Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1)

by Aimie Grey

  “The strong stuff will make me sleepy, and I need to stay up with Peyton. Don’t worry; I can handle it.” She tossed the tablets into her mouth and swallowed them dry. Stubborn woman.

  “There’s no doubt that you can handle it, but you don’t have to. I’ll stay with Peyton, so you can take one of the other pills. We can start her tutoring while you sleep.” I could tell the offer tempted her for a moment, but then her face fell.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I took her hand in mine.

  “About that. I can’t afford to pay for tutoring.” Shame filled her eyes before she looked away. “Apparently the guy who attacked me also took everything I made last night.”

  “You don’t have to pay me. I was irritated that night in my classroom and acted like a jerk.” Just like always.

  “I don’t want your pity or special treatment.” The determined look was back in her eyes; I knew I would have to play my trump card. “Besides, have you slept at all in the past twenty-four hours?”

  “It’s not special treatment. Back in LA, I never charged anyone for tutoring. Peyton really needs it. Don’t be so damned proud and make her suffer the consequences. Trust me; I don’t need the money, and I got a few hours of sleep in the waiting room at the hospital.”

  She barely nodded her head in defeat. “I’ll figure out a way to pay you back for everything.”

  “No. If you can’t accept a gift, think of it as my way of trying to pay you back for all of the shitty things I’ve done to you. I don’t know if I can ever make things right between us, but I’d like to try.”

  “I’d like that, too.” She smiled for a moment before panic set in.

  “What’s wrong?” I turned around for a second to see if imminent danger lurked over my shoulder. She tried to speak, but nothing came out. Her eyes watered, and her face reddened. A thin sheen of sweat broke out across her forehead. I didn’t have enough warning to help her when she fell to her knees and hugged the commode. Clear liquid erupted from her convulsing body. She screamed in pure agony between each heave. I pulled her hair out of the line of fire.

  “Shh,” I whispered as calmly as I could. “Screaming will only make it hurt more.”

  “Mama! Mama!” Peyton hollered as she ran down the stairs. “What’s wrong with Mama?” Tears streaked the little girl’s cheeks.

  “The medicine upset her stomach, and throwing up makes her ribs hurt.” I knew exactly how helpless Peyton felt. “Will you go get her a glass of soda? That will help her tummy feel better after it’s over.” She nodded and scampered off to the kitchen.

  Madison leaned against the wall behind her, shaking but no longer in distress. She wiped her mouth with the towel I handed her. “I have a high pain tolerance, but that really hurt. I used to think giving birth would be a cake walk, but now I’m not so sure.”

  “Good thing you don’t have to worry about that anytime soon.” I didn’t like the idea of Madison having a baby. The thought of her being with someone else made me queasy. The thought of someone else’s kid growing inside her drove me to the brink of insanity. For a split second, I wished that I could be the one to give her the family she wanted.

  “You haven’t eaten yet today, have you?” I already knew the answer based on what I’d seen come out of her. She looked away. “When was the last time you ate something?”

  “Yesterday morning…I think.”

  “I’ll go pick up some lunch.”

  Peyton returned with the soda. “Can we have burgers?” She was way too excited about the possibility of fast food.

  “Only if it’s okay with Madison.” I looked to her for approval, and Peyton gave her the best pouty lip I’d ever seen.

  “Okay, okay. Put the lip away. You can have burgers as long as you get apple slices instead of fries.”

  “Does she usually eat more than one burger?” I couldn’t imagine someone as small as Peyton eating more than one kid’s meal without having a stomachache afterwards.

  “She’s a Miller. We’re famous for eating like a herd of teenage boys after football practice.” She could have fooled me since she hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours.

  “Why don’t you come with me to make sure I get the right stuff?” I ruffled Peyton’s hair. “Yay!” She handed Madison the soda and ran to put on her shoes.

  I helped Madison to her feet and made sure she was settled on the couch before we left. Peyton pulled me from the house with surprising strength. Once outside, she quietly asked, “Can we get milkshakes, too?”

  “We’ll bring one back for Madison, but you’ll need to finish yours in the car.” I winked and tapped the end of her cute little nose. I was beginning to understand Madison’s obsession with this kid. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do to see that crooked smile light up her face.

  *

  Madison drank her entire milkshake, but ate only half of one burger. She put the other half in the fridge along with the three other sandwiches I’d brought back for her. I hadn’t expected her to eat them all, but I thought she’d be hungry enough to eat at least two.

  “You need to eat more.” She was way too thin. Peyton was half her size and had eaten two huge burgers, the equivalent of two apples, and a large milkshake.

  “Maybe later.” She dismissed my concern. “I’m going to take a pill and sleep for a little while. Wake me up when you’re ready to leave. Thank you for staying with Peyton.”

  “No problem. Sweet dreams.” I watched as she hobbled up the stairs to her room before turning my full attention to Peyton.

  Peyton and I worked on math for an hour before we took a break. “Is Uncle Ethan coming over tonight?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure. Does he come over a lot?”

  “Yeah, he likes spending time with his two favorite girls.” She beamed with a toothless grin. “He used to be Mama’s boyfriend, but then he made her cry, so they don’t hug and kiss anymore,” she informed me. “He wants to be her boyfriend again.” Did all second graders gossip this much, or had I hit the information jackpot?

  “Is that what you want?” I was afraid of her answer, knowing Madison would do anything to make her happy.

  “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Can I have a snack?”

  “Sure, what do you want?”

  “I have a burger left over from earlier.”

  “Sounds good. Why don’t you find something to watch on TV, and I’ll go warm it up?”

  I wrapped the sandwich in a paper towel and started the low-wattage microwave. I wandered around the large kitchen while I waited. The old house had a lot of character. I wished I would have moved to this side of the railroad tracks; my house was new and looked just like all the others on the block.

  A small red book sitting on the counter caught my eye, and I flipped through the pages as I waited for the microwave to ding. There was a date at the top of each page with a list of food beneath. It took me a minute to realize I was looking at a food diary. Every day for a couple of months, Madison had barely eaten more than twelve hundred calories. She was starving herself.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Madison

  “Wake up, Madison,” Sawyer whispered in my ear.

  “What time is it?” My mouth tasted like ass.

  “It’s almost eight.”

  “Crap, I need to get Peyton ready for bed.” I flung off the covers and got to my feet, bracing myself on the wall until the room stopped spinning. “I’m sorry I slept so long; I know you have better things to do.” I didn’t want to upset Sawyer. I secretly enjoyed the way he took care of me and wasn’t ready for it to end.

  “I don’t mind at all; you needed the rest. Peyton and I had fun.” His smile verified the sincerity of his words.

  Grabbing my cell from the bedside table, I typed in the passcode. “Fuck,” I said a little too loudly. I foolishly whipped my head around to make sure Peyton hadn’t followed Sawyer into the room. I had missed a dozen calls from Olivia while I slept.

  “What’s wrong?
” Sawyer was now at my side with concern radiating from his large, muscular body. My eyes closed as I remembered the show he’d given me at the hospital earlier in the day. Seriously, I needed to stop thinking about sex.

  “Peyton and I go visit her mother every Saturday. I completely forgot with all of the chaos today.” I fell back onto the bed and regretted it upon impact. “I’m surprised she didn’t mention it.”

  “I’ll take you tomorrow,” he offered as if it wasn’t a big deal to spend his entire weekend with us.

  “It’s sweet of you to offer, but she’s only allowed to have visitors on Saturdays. I’ll call her and explain what happened before Pey goes to bed.” I hoped she would understand. The same watered-down version of events I’d told Peyton would have to do. She didn’t need to worry about me, and I couldn’t risk Peyton overhearing.

  “Okay, I’ll take you guys next Saturday.” It was a statement of fact more than an offer this time. “My brothers are going to drop off your car on Tuesday. Don’t even think about getting behind the wheel until the doctor says you’re allowed to drive.”

  “When did you become my father?” I snapped. I knew he was trying to help, but I was perfectly capable of making responsible decisions.

  “Someone needs to look out for you. Ethan would let you play in traffic if it would make you happy.” He was probably right, but I rolled my eyes anyway. He hesitated before continuing, “I want to stay here tonight.”

  “Why would you want to do that? You’re not going to get lucky, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “What if the guy that hurt you decides to finish the job?”

  Did he think he was my father and my bodyguard? “That happened in the city. How would he know where I live?”

  “What if he wasn’t a stranger? It could have been anyone.” Sawyer was on the verge of yelling. “I almost hope he shows up, so I can kill the motherfucker.”

  “Watch your language. Peyton might hear.” I took a drink of the water that had magically appeared on my nightstand earlier in the day. “You need to calm down. I’ll be fine.”

  “If you won’t let me kill him, at least, let me stay. I won’t be able to sleep unless I know you’re safe.”

  I decided it was easier to give in than to keep arguing. “Leave now and come back in a couple of hours to give Peyton time to fall asleep. You’ll have to leave in the morning before she wakes up.” There was no way I’d be able to explain to Peyton why her teacher spent the night at our house.

  “I’ll be back in two hours.” He stepped out of my room and left the door cracked open behind him.

  I heard him say, “Night, Peyton. Madison will be out soon.” A minute later I heard the front door close.

  I got out of bed, still wearing the sweat suit Sawyer had gotten for me at the hospital. I asked Peyton to take a bath and then made my way down the stairs and sat carefully on the couch.

  I focused my attention on my phone and dialed. After pleading with an operator, three orderlies, and the charge nurse, my after-hours call was finally transferred to Olivia’s room. “Hello,” she answered, nearly breathless.

  “Hey, Olivia, it’s me,” I said. I was relieved when I realized that my head wasn’t nearly as foggy as before, even though it wasn’t all the way better.

  “Oh, thank God. I thought something terrible had happened.” The exhaled pent-up tension from her body was audible over the phone.

  “I’m so sorry. I fell down last night and busted up my face. During all the chaos, I totally forgot it was Saturday. I was asleep when you called.”

  “Are you okay? Did you get checked out?” Her concern touched my heart. She had so much going wrong in her world, yet she was worried about me. Maybe she was ready to come home.

  “I’ll be fine. Peyton’s in the tub; she should be done in a few minutes. I know she will want to say good night to you.”

  “I miss her so much. I’m glad you called. I talked to the day nurse when visiting hours ended. She said you can visit tomorrow at the usual time, since you weren’t able to come today.”

  “I’m not allowed to drive, and Ethan has to work in the ER tomorrow. I ran into Peyton’s teacher this morning, and he’s been helping out today. I can ask him to bring us if you don’t mind a stranger tagging along.” I didn’t want to ask him for such a large favor, especially since Peyton and Olivia would be so vulnerable, but I had to do something. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would volunteer for something he didn’t want to do.

  “That would be great, actually. It’s about time I met my daughter’s teacher and the man who has my sister’s panties tied up in knots.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I feebly protested. I’d barely even mentioned him to her.

  “Sure, whatever. Even after all this time apart, I still know you better than you know yourself. You can’t keep secrets from me.” If only she knew just how much I’d kept from her these past few months.

  “How are you feeling? Any word on when they’ll let you come home?” I needed her. Peyton needed her. She was missing out on too many important events. She wasn’t there for Peyton’s seventh birthday, her first day of school, and two visits from the tooth fairy just to name a few. She was quiet a little too long. “What is it, Olivia?”

  “I, uh, haven’t made as much progress as they’d like. I’ll probably have to stay a few more months. Please, don’t be mad at me.”

  I could never be mad at her, even when she deserved it. She’d made my brother extremely happy until the day he died. She brought Peyton into this world. She was my best friend and the only person over the age of eight who would never abandon me.

  “The good news is I heard from my lawyer,” she continued. “The asshole that hit Ryan finally settled the lawsuit. The money from that will pay for the extra time I have to spend in here.”

  My heart still hurt when I heard Ryan’s name. “Is there any chance you can spare some of it? The electric bill is coming due, and things are a little tight this month.”

  “Of course,” she replied.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise I’ll call if something comes up.” Peyton ran down the stairs in her favorite unicorn pajamas. She bounced up and down as she held her hands out for the phone. “There’s an adorable little munchkin here that wants to talk to her mommy.” The excitement on Peyton’s face warmed my heart.

  “Hi, Mommy! I miss you!”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Madison

  Sawyer returned exactly two hours later carrying a small duffle bag. His hair was damp, which reminded me I hadn’t showered since before work the night before. I was sure I smelled like one of Ryan’s old sweat socks after practice on a hot summer day.

  “You can set up camp on the couch. I’m going to take a shower and then turn in for the night. You know where the bathroom and kitchen are; help yourself to anything you want.” I wished he would’ve stayed home. My stench wouldn’t have been as apparent if he hadn’t come over smelling like a damned pine tree—in winter—on a tall mountain—in Aspen.

  “The water from the shower will hurt like a bitch when it hits your ribs. It’s also going to be difficult to wash your hair and back with your injured shoulder. What if you lose your balance and fall?”

  “What do you suggest I do, go around smelling like a dirty jock strap for the rest of the week?”

  “Let me take a look at your shower. Maybe I can figure out a way to make it easier and safer for you.”

  I was too tired to argue. “Follow me.” I slowly led him up the stairs and tried to ignore the pain that flared with each step. I moved to the side when we reached the landing at the top. I pointed to the bathroom door at the end of the hallway. “Have at it,” I said with a gesture to let him know I wouldn’t be going with him. I tried really hard not to stare at the way his jeans hugged his firm ass as he walked to the bathroom.

  The sound of running water filled the air less than a minute later. I made my way toward t
he source of the noise, only to collide with an invisible brick wall as soon as I crossed the threshold to the bathroom. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and I sure as hell didn’t want to blink. All I could do was stare at the fine specimen of naked man bending over my tub to check the water temperature.

  All of the sudden I didn’t give a shit about my injuries. I didn’t feel anything except an ache between my legs. Damned pregnancy hormones. “What are you doing?” I was horrified that my words came out sounding like a croak.

  “I came up with the perfect solution.” His proud smile fanned the flames in my lower belly. “You can take a bath, so the water won’t beat down on you and you won’t have to worry about falling.”

  “Why are you naked if I’m the one taking the bath?” Not that I was complaining.

  “I’m going to help you wash the parts you have trouble reaching. Don’t worry; I won’t have any trouble controlling myself.”

  Oh yeah, I’d nearly forgotten how ugly I was with all the swelling and bruises. I wouldn’t be surprised if his dick retreated all the way into his body at the sight of me. I’d just have to try to take care of myself later.

  He shut off the water and helped me undress slowly. I almost came standing up when his fingers lightly brushed across my breasts. We stood face to face for what seemed like several long minutes, both completely naked.

  He was the first to move. He stepped into the tub and reached a strong hand out to help me follow. He sat down and guided me to rest between his muscular thighs that glistened under the surface of the clear water. His arms wrapped around me as he lathered a washcloth with my favorite almond scented soap. His chest rose behind me as he took in a deep breath.

  “This is one of my favorite scents. This is what you smelled like the night we met at the hotel.” He gently ran the cloth across my chest.

  “You remember that?” I was nearly panting with desire as he continued to wash me. He touched me as if I were fragile, maybe even cherished.