Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1)

by Aimie Grey

  “I remember everything about that night. That was the best night of my life.”

  My heart grew cold as I suddenly remembered the redhead I saw leaving his room the morning after. I was reading too much into this encounter. He was probably just trying to cop a feel. “Yeah, I guess bedding two chicks in one night would be a memorable experience.”

  “What crazy notion is in your head this time?” he scolded.

  “The morning after…I was looking for my earring and saw a disheveled redhead leaving your room. She made it perfectly clear what the two of you had been up to.” His body went rigid behind me, and not in the good way.

  “Shit. That was one of the bridesmaids from Finn’s wedding. She came by trying to get me to fuck her, but I refused. Turns out she’d fucked my brother, Thomas, most of the night and stopped by my room on her walk of shame. You must have come by when I kicked her skanky ass out.”

  “Oh,” was all I could say. Another misunderstanding. “Did you only turn her down because she slept with your brother?”

  “No. I turned her down for many reasons. I’d told her no several times before I even met you. That morning the only thing I wanted to do was find you.” He pressed a tender kiss to my temple. “When I couldn’t find you, I was too angry to even think about anyone else.”

  “Sawyer?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I want you so badly it hurts.”

  “I want you, too, but you’re injured. That’s not what this is about. I want to take care of you, not seduce you.” His breath was husky, which gave me hope.

  “I know. The pain I can handle, but I can’t handle the need. I think I’ll die if you don’t make me come soon.”

  “We can’t have that.”

  I giggled when he stepped out of the tub and lifted me into his strong arms.

  “Be quiet. You don’t want to wake up Peyton, do you?”

  “Definitely not. Now hurry up.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Madison

  “Wake up, baby,” Sawyer breathed in my ear as he gently stroked the top of my head. This would have been one of my top ten favorite mornings of all time if I hadn’t felt like I’d been hit by an eighteen-wheeler.

  “Morning.” I couldn’t help but smile at his ridiculously handsome face and rumpled hair.

  “What time does Peyton usually get up?”

  I looked over at my alarm clock. “She’ll sleep for another hour or so.”

  “We need to talk.” The sleepiness cleared from his face, and a hard expression took its place. Nothing good ever followed that sentence, especially the morning after. I knew his stance on relationships, and the thought of rejection wasn’t pleasant.

  He reached behind him to grab something from the nightstand. “What’s this?” he asked and held up my journal.

  “It’s mine. Why do you have it?”

  “I found it when I was making Peyton a snack last night. Are you anorexic?”

  “Of course not. I don’t think it’s physically possible for a Miller to be anorexic. Why would you even ask such a thing?”

  “You are at least ten pounds lighter than when I first met you. It can’t be healthy to eat so little when you’re already so skinny. Why are you trying to lose weight?”

  “You need to stop looking through my stuff. I can’t believe I trusted you.”

  “You’re deflecting this back on me. Do you know how dangerous this is? My cousin died from anorexia.” He stopped trying to hide the fear and pain in his eyes.

  “I learned in school that the average human needs to consume at least twelve hundred calories a day to avoid starvation. I’m not counting calories to lose weight; I write down what I eat to make sure I get enough calories to stay healthy.” Don’t ask me why. Please don’t ask me why.

  “Why?”

  He wasn’t going to stop. “I have limited resources, and my top priority is for Peyton to have a full tummy. Sometimes that means I have to cut back. Once things go back to normal when Olivia comes home, I’m sure I’ll have no trouble putting the fat back on.”

  “I don’t like this.” He waved the book in the air before tossing it on the nightstand behind him. I couldn’t tell if the tension in his face was anger or concern. I wasn’t going to apologize for doing what needed to be done for Peyton.

  “Can we change the subject please? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  His expression gradually eased as he thought about my request. “What do you want to do today? I can stay all day if you want to sleep.”

  “Why, didn’t finish snooping last night?”

  “No. If you recall, I got a little distracted.”

  Damn, I wish my body wasn’t so sore. I was ready to go another round courtesy of his wicked smile.

  “Back to your question.” I had to distract myself before I was too far gone. “Are you still willing to take us to see Olivia? I talked to her last night, and she made arrangements for us to visit today, since we didn’t make it yesterday.”

  “Of course, I’ll head home and get cleaned up. Text me when Peyton wakes up. I’ll pick up breakfast on my way back.”

  “You don’t have to get breakfast. Peyton has a full box of cereal.”

  “No arguments. You’re going to need to take some pain killers to survive the ride. I don’t want you to throw up again from taking them on an empty stomach. Just say thank you.”

  “Thank you. About last night….”

  “You don’t have to thank me for that,” he said with a grin.

  “Yes, I do. You scratched my itch, extremely thoroughly by the way.” He’d been a little timid at first, but once he’d gotten into the groove, there’d been no stopping him. “I wish you’d have let me try to repay the favor.” I felt guilty, but damn it’d been hot to watch him take care of himself after he’d finished taking care of me.

  He hesitated before he spoke. “Don’t worry about it. I had fun, too. I’m probably still ahead if we’re keeping score.”

  He’s keeping score? Is this all just a game to him? “I’ll be sure to control myself from now on, so the scales don’t tip in my favor.” Trying to figure him out was a waste of time.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Madison

  “Mommy!” Peyton shrieked as she ran toward Olivia as fast as her little legs would carry her. “I missed you so much!” Peyton leapt into her lap and covered her face with loud kisses. My heart melted at the beautiful sight.

  “I missed you, too, baby girl.” Olivia snuggled with her daughter for a few long moments before pulling away to take a good look at her. “You’re getting so big. At this rate, you’re not going to fit on my lap much longer. Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”

  “He isn’t my friend. He’s my teacher.” Peyton leaned in close to Olivia and whispered loudly enough for everyone to overhear, “He’s a pretty good teacher—for a boy.”

  I cleared my throat to remind Peyton of her mother’s request.

  “Mommy, this is Mr. Ramsay. Mr. Ramsay, this is Mommy.” Her manners made me proud, even if she needed a prompt every now and then.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Mr. Ramsay.” Olivia extended a hand and a warm smile.

  “Please, call me Sawyer.” He shook her hand briefly.

  “Olivia,” she responded.

  “I can’t get over how much Peyton looks like you. Are you sure she’s your daughter and not your clone?” Sawyer joked. The resemblance was uncanny. The only thing she inherited from Ryan was the hazel of her eyes.

  Olivia giggled. “She only looks like me on the outside. Ryan used to call her ‘Mini-Maddie in an Olivia wrapper’.”

  “Is that so?” he chuckled. “Maddie never mentioned it.” Of course, I wouldn’t mention it; I didn’t share Ryan with just anyone.

  “Don’t. Ryan and Dad were the only people allowed to call me that.” It pissed me off when anyone else used their nickname for me.

  “Your mom doesn’t call you Madd
ie?” he questioned.

  “My mom usually calls me Emilia, which is my middle name. She wanted us to have Spanish first names, but she lost the coin toss. She only calls me Madison when I’m in trouble.”

  “Remember how Ryan called you Mad E. Mad after Ethan proposed?” Olivia snorted, a reaction she usually reserved for videos of big guys with tattoos getting hit in the nuts. “That was hilarious.” She looked up at Sawyer. “He said it was the perfect stage name for her career as a rapper.”

  “He never let me live down that talent show performance.” I laughed at the memory of happier times.

  “I couldn’t wait to buy you stationery that said, ‘From the desk of Madison Madden’.” Her laugh trailed off on a sigh.

  “Would you ladies please excuse us for a moment?” Sawyer asked Olivia and Peyton before guiding me to a bench several yards away. I looked back at my favorite girls cuddling near the rose garden.

  “You were engaged to Ethan?” His voice was surprisingly angry. The man was so freaking confusing. I wished I knew what the fuck he wanted.

  “For a little while, but it got to be too much pressure. Everyone constantly asked us when we were going to get married, how many kids we were going to have, where we would live…. We decided to postpone the engagement until I was done with school.” I’m not sure why I felt the need to explain.

  “Why, Sawyer, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you’re jealous. Should I order stationery that says, ‘From the desk of Madison Ramsay’?”

  Shit, apparently we hadn’t moved far enough away from Olivia and Pey, who walked over to us.

  “God, no. That would be the biggest waste of money ever,” I answered. Somewhere along the way, I’d started to like Sawyer, but he was the kind of guy you play with, not the kind you marry.

  “For sure,” Sawyer concurred. His words stung a little, even though he was agreeing with me.

  “Mommy, I have a good idea.” Peyton tugged on the sleeve of Olivia’s t-shirt. “You can marry Mr. Ramsay. Then he could be my new daddy.”

  “You want a new daddy?” Olivia asked with a mixture of worry and sadness.

  “I can’t have my real daddy.” Peyton’s lip quivered, and she looked down at her feet.

  “Sweetie, I know how badly you miss your daddy, but I’m not going to marry Mr. Ramsay. Your daddy was the only man I’ll ever marry. Besides, I think Mr. Ramsay has his eye on someone else.” Olivia, perceptive as ever, didn’t miss the way Sawyer stiffened. “Maybe Madison will marry Uncle Ethan, someday, and he can be your substitute daddy.”

  “Okay,” Peyton conceded.

  “Hey, Ethan—oops, I mean Sawyer, would you mind taking Peyton to the rec room to pick out a coloring book?” Olivia asked casually.

  He grimaced, but agreed anyway. He took Peyton’s small hand in his, and she led him to the room that was kept stocked full of toys and art supplies for when kids came to visit.

  “You just had to poke the bear, didn’t you?” I shook my head and chuckled when I was absolutely sure they were out of earshot.

  “Of course, I did. Dude has issues. Please, tell me he makes up for that attitude with his skills in the sack.” My faced warmed, and I couldn’t stop myself from looking away. “Good. At least he has that going for him.” She reached into the front pocket of her jeans and pulled out a piece of paper. “Here’s some money for the electric bill.” She handed me a folded check. “I’ll try to come up with more.”

  “This should be enough to catch up.” I did some quick mental calculations. “I might also be able to get Peyton new shoes.”

  “Were you ever going to tell me that you’re pregnant?”

  My eyes widened and snapped to meet hers. “How did you know?” I hoped it wasn’t that obvious to everyone.

  “I’ve known you forever, remember? I could tell just by looking at you that something had changed, and you just confirmed my suspicion.” She grinned. “Is he the father?” She tilted her head in Sawyer’s general direction.

  I barely nodded, not willing to admit it out loud. “Don’t say anything. I haven’t told him yet.”

  “You should tell him before you start to look like you’re shoplifting a basketball.” I caught her eye and motioned toward Sawyer and Peyton walking down the path.

  “Don’t tell anyone. The doctor at the hospital confirmed it for me when I had my bruises looked at the other night. No one knows, not even Ethan.”

  She took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Everything will turn out perfectly,” she said quietly when Sawyer and Peyton were close. I wish I shared her confidence.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Madison

  I found myself back in the hospital late Monday morning; however, this time I was happy to be there. “Hold completely still.” Dr. Parsons had a laser-like focus as she slid the second incredibly long needle into my back. The immediate relief from the pain in my chest was incredible.

  “All done,” she announced a few minutes later. “How do you feel?” she asked as she helped me sit up on the bed.

  “Amazing. It feels almost normal.” I was ready to jump up and down for joy.

  “The local anesthetic will wear off in a couple of hours, and some of the pain will come back for a few days until the injected anesthetic takes full effect. Although the medication is safe for the baby, I didn’t give you as much as I normally would. I’m hopeful the pain relief will last two or three weeks. By then your ribs should heal enough for the pain to be manageable with over-the-counter medication.” She paused to make a few notes in my chart. “You need to take it easy. No heavy lifting, no driving, and no rigorous activity for the next twenty-four hours. You can start driving again tomorrow afternoon if you feel up to it.”

  “Thank you so much. I can’t begin to tell you what this means to me.”

  “I want you to rest as much as possible this week to give your body time to heal. I’ll sign a release for you to come back to work in the ER next week as long as you promise to avoid heavy lifting until your shoulder is completely healed.”

  “No problem, thanks again.” I would have to think of a way to repay her. I’d have to figure out a way to properly thank Ethan also.

  Ethan had come to my rescue once again. He called Dr. Parsons, the hospital’s pain management specialist, first thing Monday morning and told her my story. She was only too happy to donate her time, claiming to need to practice a new technique. As soon as the hospital’s administration offices opened, he went to the director of the foundation and got them to agree to cover all of the other expenses.

  I left the procedure room and found Ethan waiting patiently for me in the hallway.

  “How did it go? Are you okay?” He was always so worried about me.

  “Dr. Parsons said everything went perfectly.” I repeated her instructions to Ethan, who hung on every word I said.

  “I’m so glad everything worked out. I’ve got an hour before I have to be on duty. Let’s grab lunch and then drop you off at home.” He laced his fingers through mine and started the long walk toward the front of the building.

  “Did Ramsay tell you I came by to check on you Saturday evening?” Ethan had to chew the words to get them out.

  “No, he didn’t mention it.”

  “Why was he alone with Peyton at your house?” he hissed.

  “He stayed after he brought us home. He watched her, so I could take a nap.”

  “I don’t like it. It’s my job to take care of you two, not his.”

  “It’s my job to take care of Peyton and me, not yours. I’ll decide who helps and who doesn’t.”

  “Fine, just don’t expect me to come around when he’s there.” I expected nothing less from him. “Why didn’t you tell me you have health insurance?” he asked. Talk about a non sequitur.

  “Um, because I don’t. You know that.”

  “The billing department got a fax while you were being prepped for the procedure. Apparently you have insurance with the highest rated company in
the nation. You also have the best policy they offer. Peyton does, too.”

  “There has to be a mistake.” I couldn’t afford the lowest level of insurance even if it was on clearance.

  “I called them myself. Someone prepaid the premiums for an entire year. They wouldn’t tell me who.” His teeth were grinding. Even though it should have been good news, he was not happy about it.

  “I don’t know who did it or why.” I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I had more pressing things in my life to worry about.

  “I’m glad Dr. Parsons and the hospital will get paid for helping me. You’re still my hero, no matter what. I wouldn’t have even known about the procedure if not for you.” I lifted myself up on my toes and leaned in to plant a kiss on his cheek. He turned his head at the last minute, causing me to miss my intended target and hit his lips instead. Ethan seemed to think he was battling Sawyer for my affections. He didn’t realize that Sawyer probably wouldn’t put up much resistance. He also didn’t realize he’d already lost anyway.

  *

  “Pizza time!” Peyton called out as soon as she walked through the door. She loved pizza, and it was an extremely rare treat due to our budget constraints.

  I walked to the front room and took the two huge boxes from Sawyer. “Thank you so much. You didn’t have to do this.”

  He leaned in and placed a peck on my cheek like a husband coming home to his wife after a long day at the office. “You need to take it easy. Besides, Peyton told me that Pizza King makes the best pizza in the whole wide world.” He did a cute imitation of Peyton’s excitement as he spoke. “She even wrote a poem titled ‘Ode to the King’ for language arts today. I find it hard to believe that the best pizza in the whole wide world comes from Indiana, so I needed to try it for myself.”

  The tantalizing aroma was more than I could bear. “Peyton, will you please go implement the PK configuration?”

  “Yay! Kitchen or dining room?” she asked. It was a very important variable in the table setup process.