Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1)

by Aimie Grey

“In a way, yes. We signed all of the papers, so she isn’t mine legally, but she is your biological sister. Her name is—”

  “Don’t say it. I don’t want to know.” I didn’t want to risk hearing the words that would make my worst nightmare a reality. “I know for sure it’s not Olivia, and that’s all that matters.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to know? Having Marina in my life has been a huge blessing.” Sawyer’s eyes lit up at the thought of his sister.

  “There are only five or six people it could possibly be, and every single one was horrible to me growing up. I’d prefer not to know which bitch I share DNA with. Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I need to lie down, or throw up, or something.”

  *

  Sawyer crawled into bed with me almost an hour later. “You okay?” he asked as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

  “I will be. I’m going to have it out with Olivia tomorrow. She can’t do shit like this to me while I’m trying to keep her life together.” I took a shaky breath. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. She needs to come home.”

  “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known. You can do anything. You need to tell Olivia exactly how you’re feeling. Don’t leave until she understands what’s going on here—and she explains what’s going on with her.”

  “You’re right. I need to stop babying her.”

  “I’ll do whatever I can to help.” He planted a kiss on my temple. “Now, get some sleep.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Madison

  “I’m sick.” Olivia stared off in the general direction of the rec room where Sawyer and Peyton were looking for a new coloring book.

  “I know addiction is a disease, but we need to look for out-patient treatment options.” I wasn’t going to let her make excuses. Her court-ordered treatment had been over for a while, so there was no legal reason for her to stay any longer.

  “No, I mean I’m dying.”

  “That’s not funny. Now tell me the real reason you brought my father back from the grave.”

  “It’s not a joke. I don’t have a drinking problem—not a bad one anyway. I have cancer.”

  “Then why the fuck are you still in here?” The last word was out of my mouth when the impact of her statement hit me square in the stomach. Olivia was sick, and she hadn’t told me. I might lose her, too. “Was this whole rehab thing a charade?”

  “I drank quite a bit after I was diagnosed. The doctors told me the cancer was too far along to treat with traditional methods. Chemo and radiation might have bought me a little time, but I would have been miserable. I didn’t know how else to deal.” She diverted her glistening eyes. “Someone saw me hammered at the grocery store one day and called Child Services.”

  My tone softened and I took her hand in mine. “That doesn’t explain why you’re still here. If your drinking problem was under control, why didn’t you come home to your family the minute your mandatory time was up?”

  “Peyton has been doing so well lately. I thought she wouldn’t have as hard of a time with my death if she didn’t see me every day. Her life revolves around you now, so it won’t be as devastating when I’m gone if I just kind of phase myself out.”

  “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Peyton loves you more than you could possibly imagine. She asks for you every day. It’s going to be worse because she’s missed all of this time with you.”

  “It’s better this way. I don’t want to turn her life upside down when I don’t have that much time left. I don’t want her to go through the pain of watching me die”

  “How long do you have?” I asked.

  “Another three or four months, if I’m lucky.”

  “Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through while you’ve been hiding from reality? I had to take my clothes off for money. There are times we barely have enough to eat.”

  Olivia’s eyes went wide. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?”

  “Because, I didn’t want you to worry about it; I wanted you to focus on recovering.” I ran my hands through my hair. “You’re coming home right away. Peyton needs as much time with you as possible. I’ll call Ethan. He can talk to your doctors and make arrangements for you to see a specialist back home.”

  “Um, he already knows. He was there when they made the initial diagnosis.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me. He knew all this time?”

  “Don’t be mad at him. I told him not to tell, and he couldn’t because I’m his patient.”

  “Were you ever going to tell me?”

  “No.”

  “I am beyond mad.” The anger coursing through my body threatened to rip me apart. I sent Sawyer a quick text. “You need to get over this martyr shit and spend whatever time you have left with your daughter.”

  Sawyer and Peyton came back from the rec room. He approached slowly, trying to read my expression. “Hey, Pey, Sawyer and I need to run an errand,” I said as calmly as I could. “Will you stay here and keep your mother company?”

  “Sure!”

  “Great, we’ll be back in about an hour or so.” Hopefully an hour would be enough time to work the anger out of my system.

  I took Sawyer’s hand and dragged him to the parking lot.

  “What are you doing?” he asked when I climbed into the back of his SUV.

  “Get your ass back here.” I pulled off my clothes as quickly as I could. “I need you to fuck me.”

  “You’re really upset; do you think that’s the best idea?”

  “I realize I’m not very attractive right now, but I’m going to explode unless I relieve some of this frustration. Get back here and help me, or I’ll have to do it on my own.”

  “Thank God for tinted windows,” he said before climbing on top of me.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  Madison

  “I can’t believe you kept this from me!” I yelled at Ethan. I’d gone to the hospital to confront him on Sunday morning while Peyton was at church with Nana.

  “You know my hands were tied,” he said, too calmly for my liking. He took my hand and led me into an empty on-call room. “It killed me that I couldn’t tell you.”

  “You lied to me!” I held on to my stomach to keep the pain from bursting through.

  “If I lied, it was a lie of omission. I never intentionally told you anything that wasn’t technically true.” He pulled me into his arms. I pounded my fists on his chest and tried to wrench my body away from him. He only held me tighter as I attempted to break free.

  “I know you’re angry, scared, and confused,” he said just loud enough for me to hear over my sobs. “Life has dealt you a shitty hand lately. You’ve been lashing out at everyone instead of dealing with your pain. That’s not like you, Mads.”

  I tried to pull away again with no success. “How dare you! You have no idea what I’ve been going through,” I snarled.

  “I know you were blindsided by both Olivia and your father. You feel betrayed and unloved. The Madison I grew up with wouldn’t be angry with them; she would forgive Olivia and be ecstatic to have her father back.” He was right; I had changed. I used to see the light in every situation, but now all I saw were the shadows. “I think you are using anger as a shield. You’ve taken one too many blows to the heart, and it’s easier to be angry than to feel so much pain.”

  I began to calm. “How do I forgive the man who abandoned me?” I asked.

  “You told me he did it to keep you safe. I think you should believe him.” He shifted me in his arms, so he could look into my eyes. “Put yourself in his shoes. Think about the sacrifice he made for you—how much pain he must have endured.”

  I hadn’t thought about it that way. If I had to leave Peyton to keep her safe, I would in a heartbeat, even though it would kill me. The anger I’d carried with me into the small room was eating away at my soul.

  Ethan was following the law by not telling me about Olivia. Would I want to be friends with someone who would
commit such a huge ethical violation?

  Olivia had done what she thought was best for Peyton. Even though she was misguided, I could understand her not wanting to inflict pain on her daughter.

  “What if Olivia doesn’t make it?” It was the first time I’d allowed myself to seriously consider the possibility. Would I be enough for Peyton?

  Ethan let me move away when I took a step back. “I’ll do anything in my power to help you,” he said. “I will never walk away from you again.”

  “I know.” I believed him with every fiber of my being. “I think you missed your true calling. You should have gone into psychiatry.”

  He smiled and pulled me into his body once more; this time, I didn’t resist. “Are you coming over this afternoon?” I asked.

  “No, interesting thing happened yesterday—Charlie asked me out.” He fought to keep his face neutral for my benefit. “We’re going to take Brianna to the zoo after work today.”

  “That’s exciting news,” I said, grateful to have something positive to think about. “It’s okay for you to be happy, even though I’m a mess. I am really happy for you.”

  He let a small smile slip past his defenses. “Call if you need me, and I’ll come running.”

  *

  “I can’t believe how much stuff you brought with you,” I said to Olivia as we loaded the last of her suitcases into the back of the SUV the following Monday afternoon. “It’s a good thing Sawyer lent me his truck.” I admired the top-of-the-line vehicle as I shut the hatch. I had no idea how he could afford the payments on it, which made me nervous. How he spent his money wasn’t my business, but I would need him to help out with expenses for the baby—at least until I could get a nursing job.

  “I wasn’t sure what I would need, so I just brought everything.”

  “Say goodbye.” I nodded across the parking lot to her home for the past four months. “Even if you live to be one hundred, you’re never coming back to this place.”

  “Trust me, I won’t miss it. I’m ready to go home.”

  We climbed into the tall SUV and settled in for the hour-long ride home. “We need to talk about Peyton,” I said as I started the car. “You need to tell her the truth.”

  “How do I do it without breaking her heart?” Olivia studied her fingernails as she spoke. She seemed smaller than she had a few moments ago.

  I didn’t want to do it any more than my sister-in-law did. We’d made it a couple of miles away from the rehab center when I was struck with an idea. “Peyton has really bonded with Mrs. Paul, the guidance counselor at her school. Maybe she can help us figure out the best way to break the news to Pey.”

  “That’s a great idea.” Olivia’s body straightened. “Will you be there when I tell her? I think she’ll need you there for comfort in case she hates me for lying to her.”

  “Of course, I will. I’ll call Mrs. Paul when we get home, and hopefully we can meet with her tomorrow to come up with the best strategy.” I took my sister’s hand. “You need to promise me that you’ll make the most of the time you have left with Peyton.”

  “I promise.”

  *

  Olivia and I found Sawyer and Peyton in our little girl’s bedroom when we got home from the city. We stood quietly in the doorway and watched their interaction. “Do you want a biscuit with your tea?” Peyton asked Sawyer in a robotic voice.

  “Why, yes, I would. Thank you, milady,” he responded in a terrible British accent. She handed him a plastic cookie.

  “Since when do you like tea parties?” Olivia asked her daughter with curious delight. “I got you that kitchen stuff over a year ago, and this is the first time I’ve seen it out of the box.”

  “I don’t like it.” Peyton’s cheeks turned an adorable shade of pink. “Some of the other girls at school play with this stuff. Mr. Ramsay is helping me practice, so I’ll fit in better.”

  “That is the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.” I gave Sawyer a look to let him know he would be rewarded later.

  Peyton’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Mommy!” she screamed, having just realized what it meant for her mommy to be standing there. She ran to Olivia and jumped into her arms. Olivia winced slightly, but squeezed her daughter as tightly as she could. “I’m so happy you’re home!” Quiet tears streaked Peyton’s smiling cheeks.

  “I’m so happy to see you, baby girl. I missed you so much.” Olivia carried Peyton into the center of the room and set her down next to the tea set. “I’m pretty thirsty; may I, please, have some tea?” Peyton nodded with delight. It seemed that Olivia was the only person that could bring out the little girl in her daughter.

  Sawyer walked over to my side and wrapped a strong arm around my waist. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I whispered as I watched mother and child in their own little world.

  He looked deeply into my eyes. “It’s the second most beautiful thing I’ve seen.”

  “What was the first?” I asked.

  His reply was beautifully concise. “You.” He all too briefly pressed his lips to mine.

  We were pulled out of our bubble of happiness by Peyton’s voice. I had completely forgotten we were still standing in the doorway of her room. “Are you and Mr. Ramsay having another sleepover tonight?” she asked as if it weren’t a big deal. I felt my face ignite.

  “No, Mr. Ramsay will be going home tonight,” Olivia said. I could hear the poorly suppressed anger in her voice.

  “Let’s go order a pizza—or four,” Sawyer suggested. He took my hand and led me down the stairs, leaving Olivia to reconnect with her daughter. Hopefully she would cool off by the time the pizza arrived.

  *

  I was straddling Sawyer on the couch a few minutes after Peyton fell asleep. There was something to be said about making out like horny teenagers. I was so worked up I knew it wouldn’t be very long before I dragged him up to my room.

  “I would prefer it if you didn’t fool around when Peyton is home.” I hadn’t heard Olivia come down the stairs.

  “Sorry about that; we’ll take it upstairs,” I replied.

  “I don’t want you doing it anywhere in the house. It’s not appropriate.” She stood a few yards away from us with her arms folded tightly across her chest. I’d never seen her look so angry before.

  “Are you saying you and Ryan never had sex when she was in the house?” I raised an eyebrow at her. I knew bringing up Ryan was a low blow and regretted it almost instantly.

  “We were always quiet. Besides, it’s natural for a married couple to make love. She doesn’t need to hear her teacher screwing her aunt’s brains out. It’s not appropriate for him to sleep over.”

  Even though I’d decided to forgive Olivia the day before, I wasn’t immune to her sudden bitchiness. “Sawyer,” I said through gritted teeth. My need for him had shifted from pure lust to a desperate need for emotional release. He immediately understood.

  “Let’s go to my place,” he said. I realized he had never invited me over before. The only reason I knew where he lived was because Peyton and I had stumbled upon it by accident. I wondered if he was opening up to me or if it was a matter of convenience.

  “You’re going to leave me alone with Peyton?” Olivia asked. Panic now laced the anger in her voice.

  “You’re her mother, and she’s asleep,” I said. I was done babying Olivia for the moment.

  “I’m not ready for that yet.” Her face turned ghostly white.

  “You’ll be fine. You’re still healthy enough to take care of her, and I’ll be back before she wakes up.”

  “But—”

  “You’re the one making us leave.” I had wanted to yell, but controlled myself, so I wouldn’t wake up Peyton. “If you don’t stop talking, I’m going to fuck him right here in front of you.”

  “Fine, go, but don’t take the car.” She squinted her eyes in challenge.

  “You are impossible.” Sick or not, I wasn’t going to let her win this time. “You know what? Fuck this. Come on, Sawye
r. Let’s go upstairs.”

  “This is my house!” Olivia nearly screamed.

  “This is not your house. It is my mother’s house, and I will fuck whomever I want in it.”

  *

  Sawyer held me in his arms after relieving my tension in a way no one else could. I had almost fallen asleep when he spoke quietly in my ear.

  “I’m going to quit my job,” he said.

  All traces of sleepiness vanished from my body. I broke free of his embrace and pushed up on one elbow. “Do you think that’s a good idea with the baby coming?” I searched his face for any indication of what he might be thinking. “Besides, don’t you have a contract?” And a mortgage, and a car payment.

  “I think it’s a great idea because of the baby. I’m tired of people throwing my position as Peyton’s teacher in my face.” He rested his hand on my flat belly. “It’s only going to get worse when everyone in town finds out that we’re pregnant.” I loved that he said ‘we’re pregnant’ instead of ‘you’re pregnant’. His choice of words made me hopeful that I wouldn’t be in this alone. “There are a lot of qualified people out there to replace me, so it shouldn’t be a problem to break the contract.”

  “Are you going to get another job? Work is hard to find right now. Maybe you could just switch classes with another teacher?” How could he even consider quitting now?

  “So, you’re worried about money?” he asked with a sharp edge in his tone.

  “I’m worried about feeding my children. I won’t be able to work for at least six weeks after the baby’s born, and I don’t have any savings.” I refused to acquire debt that I knew I wouldn’t be able to repay just because he didn’t want to work.

  His voice quieted. “Don’t worry. I would never let our children go hungry.” I wondered if he even realized he’d said ‘our children’, as if it were a given he would always be there for Peyton as well as the baby.

  “It’s hard not to worry when I don’t know where my next meal will come from, or if I’ll be able to keep the lights on another month,” I said quietly. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could handle the burden on my own. I needed to make sure he understood just how dire my situation was.