Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1)

by Aimie Grey

  “Reginald for a boy, and Regina for a girl.”

  “I’m sorry, will you repeat that? I don’t think I heard you right.” He studied my face with a tilted brow.

  “The name Peyton is already taken, so I have to go with Reggie.”

  “You would seriously call our daughter Reggie?”

  “Of course, it’s an awesome name.”

  “Do you really like that name or just the gimmick of it? Would you name our kid Asshat if that was the name of your favorite athlete?” He had a valid point, damn him.

  “Got something better in mind?” It would take something really good to get me to give up on Reggie.

  “How about Ariel for a girl?”

  Maybe I should have Ethan check Sawyer’s testosterone levels. “Like the mermaid? No, thank you. We have six or seven months to figure this out.” It would likely take every single minute to come up with something we would agree on.

  Peyton wiggled in Olivia’s lap, drawing her mother’s attention. “What have you been up to?” she asked her daughter.

  “I have a new friend,” Peyton proudly announced as she pointed to Marina.

  “It’s not polite to point.” Olivia’s eyes followed Peyton’s finger as she tried to tug her arm down. “Oh. My. God.” Olivia’s jaw nearly scraped the floor. “You’re Marina Alexander!” Olivia virtually tossed Peyton into my lap and leapt to her feet. She jumped up and down for a solid minute before she winced and pressed a hand to her stomach. Olivia had told me the week before that she had developed ulcers. It must not have bothered her too much, because she enveloped Sawyer’s sister in an embrace too massive to refer to as a hug a few seconds later.

  “How did you know it was her?” Sawyer was utterly astonished that Olivia saw straight through Marina’s disguise.

  “How could anyone not tell?” The implied ‘duh’ in Olivia’s answer caused me to choke on a laugh, which I lost control of when I heard the sound of Marina trying to hold one back also. I squeezed Peyton tightly as I tried to get myself under control, so I wouldn’t come down with a nasty case of hiccups. “What’s so funny?” Olivia asked.

  “You’re going to love this one,” I said conspiratorially to Olivia as I watched Sawyer’s cheeks flush.

  “Come on, Peyton; let’s go find a new coloring book while your mom and aunts make fun of me.” Sawyer’s biceps bulged under his fitted jacket as he hefted Peyton over his broad shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I refused to read anything into the fact that he referred to Marina as Peyton’s aunt.

  *

  “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” Olivia said as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. She abruptly stopped laughing and pulled in a quick breath when the door to the facility opened across the garden. My eyes instinctively followed her line of sight.

  My heart stopped. It felt as if a vine from the towering Boston ivy near the bench had wrapped around my chest and was intent on squeezing the life out of me. I remembered how to move when the new visitor was a couple of yards away. “I need to talk to you and Sawyer,” I said to Marina. “Will you come with me for a minute, please?” I didn’t wait for an answer. I pulled Marina behind me to the activity room where Sawyer and Peyton sat coloring.

  The smile fell from Sawyer’s face when he saw me. I pulled the door closed and leaned against it. I bent over with my palms braced on my thighs and tried to slow my racing heart.

  Sawyer was the first to break through the fuzzy silence in my head. “Are you okay? I don’t think you have a drop of blood left in your face.”

  “¿Hablas Español?” I hoped at least one of them spoke Spanish, since I didn’t want Peyton to know what or, rather, who I saw.

  “Sí,” Marina affirmed.

  “A little,” Sawyer said. The fact he responded in English didn’t bode well for this conversation. I was reminded of his inability to understand a simple Spanish sentence the night we met. At least his sister would understand.

  I looked through the window to where Olivia was now sitting with a ghost. “Mi padre está con Olivia.” Hopefully that was simple enough so that Sawyer would figure out that my father was sitting with Olivia.

  Marina gave me a look of concerned understanding. She didn’t know that my father was dead—or that he was supposed to be dead, but she seemed to realize that his presence wasn’t a good thing.

  “Hey, Peyton, I’m worried the planetarium show at the children’s museum will be sold out by the time we get there. How about we go get the tickets now and then come back to finish the visit with your mom. It should only take half an hour or so.”

  I loved Marina so much in that moment. We had made plans to go to the museum after visiting hours were over, and she remembered how excited Peyton was to see the planetarium. That was probably the only thing she could have said to get Peyton to leave before visiting hours were over and forget about my weird behavior.

  “Let’s go!” Peyton grabbed Marina’s hand and dragged her toward the door. I was impressed that Sawyer was actually able to throw his keys close enough for his sister to catch.

  “What’s going on?” he said. He rested his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

  “My father. He’s sitting out there with Olivia.”

  “Are you sure he’s your father? You said he died when you were a kid.”

  “Either my father is still alive, or Ryan faked his own death and then traveled back in time from twenty-five years in the future.” Peyton’s extreme resemblance to Olivia didn’t come close to David Miller’s likeness to his only son. The older man had lines etched on his face, a dozen extra pounds, and salt and pepper hair with more salt than pepper, but otherwise they could have been twins.

  “What do you want to do? Do you want to leave?” Sawyer rubbed my upper arms and studied my expression.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” I said. Sawyer found a wastebasket and brought it to me. I took a few deep breaths and was able to settle my stomach before I lost my lunch. “Let’s go deal with this before Peyton comes back.”

  He took my hand and held it tightly as we walked to where my distant past was about to collide with my present.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked the man I’d buried over a decade ago.

  “Maddie? Is that really you, sweetheart?” He searched my face for confirmation. Recognition lit his eyes when they met mine. “You have your mother’s eyes.”

  I took a step back and ran into Sawyer. He wrapped his arms tightly around me from behind; his forearms crossed protectively over my chest. I’d never felt safer in my life.

  “Don’t call me Maddie. Answer my question.”

  “It’s my fault. Please, don’t be upset,” Olivia interrupted. “I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately, so I did some research online. Ryan never told me about the circumstances surrounding your father’s death, and I was curious. I found David last week.” I would have to talk to the staff about her computer privileges.

  I turned to my best friend. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come. Where’s Peyton?”

  “She’s with Marina. They’ll be back as soon as he leaves.” I nodded toward my father.

  “I want her to meet her grandfather. She doesn’t have a lot of family.” Olivia kept her eyes firmly locked onto mine.

  “I need some time to process this, and I sure as hell need an explanation. I know you’re her mother, but I’m her legal guardian until you come home. Springing this on her when I haven’t had a chance to figure it out for myself doesn’t seem to be a good idea.”

  “Please, give me a chance to explain what happened.” His voice was still familiar after all the years that had passed. “I’ll understand if you never want to see me again, but I would like to tell you the truth about why I left. You deserve to know.”

  I tilted my head toward Sawyer; I was pressed so tightly against him I could see only his jaw and ear. “What do you think?” I whispered.


  He took a moment to think. “I think you should hear him out, but it’s your decision, and I will fully support whatever choice you make.” How did he know exactly what I needed to hear?

  “All right, I’ll listen. If you leave now, you can come to the house Friday night at seven.” Peyton would be at Nana’s house, and I would have a week to process the events of the past few minutes.

  “Thank you.” He stood and stared at me as if he was committing my face to memory. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.” He walked away without another word. I wondered if I was dreaming.

  “Did he tell you what happened?” I asked, sitting next to Olivia on the bench.

  “No, he said the story belonged to you. He seems desperate to reconnect, and I really want Peyton to have as much family as possible.”

  “You’re not worried about him walking away from her?” I tried to figure out what Ryan would have wanted. He would have felt abandoned and betrayed if he’d known our father was still alive.

  “It’s a risk I’m willing to take. She’s resilient, like you.”

  Being resilient wouldn’t make it hurt any less. “I’ll keep that in mind. If I choose to keep him away from her, I need you to respect that. You can make your own decision once you come home.”

  “I understand.” Her expression brightened when Peyton and Marina came strolling back in.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  Madison

  Friday morning snuck up on me. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about my father, and he would be coming over in a few short hours. I went to work, hoping it would be slow, so I could try to figure out how I felt.

  “You’re being reassigned to intensive care for the day,” Ethan informed me when I walked in the emergency room door. “They’re short-staffed, and the ER is practically empty.”

  “No problem. Usual time for lunch?” I wanted to talk to him about the situation with my father. He knew me better than I knew myself and would be able to give me good advice.

  “Sorry, I can’t today.” That was a first.

  “Okay, see you later,” I said with a mock pout.

  Charlie was standing at the nurses’ station typing in a patient’s chart when I stepped through the sliding glass doors to the ICU. “Hey, Dr. Morgan,” I said to one of my best friends. I’d never worked with Charlie before, so I decided it was best to be professional until I got a feel for the dynamic of the unit.

  “I heard you were being exiled to the ICU today.” My worries faded a little when he grinned at me. “We’re glad to have you. Your timing is impeccable; I was just getting ready to make rounds.”

  I spent most of the morning taking vital signs and passing out medication. I was absolutely starving by noon. I didn’t have to think twice when Charlie invited me to lunch in the cafeteria.

  “Everything going okay with Ramsay?”

  “Yeah, things are going great.” I remembered Sawyer’s assumption about my relationship with Charlie. “That day we went to the grocery store, and I helped you make an ex jealous…” I took a bite of my tuna salad sandwich to give him a minute to squirm. “Who exactly was the mystery ex?”

  “Oh, uh, I guess he told you about that.” Charlie ran his fingertip along the inside of his shirt collar and loosened his tie a little. “I thought you were an idiot for giving up on a relationship that obviously meant a lot to you, and he was an idiot for walking away so easily. I thought if he got jealous he would try to get you back.”

  “You didn’t even know why we broke up. Are you sure there isn’t another reason you wanted us to get back together?” I remembered he seemed a little down when Ethan asked me to give our relationship another try.

  “I honestly want to see you happy, but I must admit I did have an ulterior motive.”

  “This I have to hear.”

  “Okay, but please don’t tell anyone. I’m not comfortable with other people knowing this, at least not yet.”

  “Of course.”

  “It’s Ethan. I kind of have a thing for him.”

  My eyes popped out of my head. “Really?” I asked. I was stunned. I had no idea Charlie was into men.

  “Yeah. Don’t worry, though. I won’t pursue it if you aren’t okay with it.”

  “Of course, I’m okay with it. This is great news.” Charlie and Ethan would be perfect together. Hopefully a relationship with Charlie would help Ethan realize that he didn’t really want me anymore.

  “You aren’t upset? The two of you were together for a really long time.”

  “Not at all. I think you should ask him out.”

  “Are you absolutely sure?”

  “I’m positive. I think the two of you will be great together.”

  “Code Blue, ICU. Code Blue, ICU.” The voice over the intercom was accompanied by the tone of our pagers. We abandoned our lunches and took off running to our floor.

  Charlie and his team worked tirelessly for nearly an hour to resuscitate the eleven-year-old boy who’d been in a coma for three days following a horrific car accident. I’d never seen anyone so determined for a miracle. I broke down in tears when Charlie said the words no one wanted to hear, “Time of death: 1:28 p.m.”

  *

  The doorbell rang promptly at seven. I watched as the man I’d mourned for years took a seat in the living room he used to call his own. I thought about the little boy we couldn’t save today. His family was mourning a life cut way too short, while I was sitting there looking at a man who was supposed to be dead.

  I wanted to run into my daddy’s arms as if nothing had ever happened, but how could I forgive the man who had abandoned his family? How could I forgive all of the pain he’d caused?

  My father patted the cushion next to him on the couch where I used to sit when we watched TV after dinner. I chose to sit on the loveseat with Sawyer instead.

  “Tell me why you’re not dead,” I demanded. Sawyer had helped me manage my stress in the bedroom as soon as we got back from dropping off Peyton at Nana’s. Unfortunately, the relief was only temporary.

  He flinched at my words. “I didn’t really go back to war,” he said with his eyes focused on me. “I got out of the service before you were born. When I got home, I was recruited by the government to work for a top-secret agency. I’d never even heard of it before.” He squirmed in his seat. “I’m not even supposed to tell you that much.”

  “I find that a little hard to believe.”

  “Please try. I promise I won’t lie to you.”

  “The last fifteen years of my life have been one big lie.”

  “I didn’t want to leave you. I had no other choice.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he continued. “I was deep undercover investigating what we thought was an Irish organized crime syndicate, but it turned out to be a domestic terror cell. My cover was blown, and I was shot in the chest.”

  “But you’re still alive.”

  “I barely survived. The government gave me a new identity and moved me across the country. If I had come home, it would have led the terrorists directly to you. I couldn’t risk them finding out that the three of you existed.”

  “You could have taken us with you. If we had gone, Ryan would still be alive.” I fought the tears that threatened to form in my eyes.

  “That’s one possibility, but there’s no way to know for sure. It could have just been his time, no matter where he was.” I could feel his sadness. “Leaving you and Ryan was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but you need to think about all the good things that happened because you stayed. Peyton and your unborn child wouldn’t exist. You never would have met Sawyer.”

  “So, you thought we’d be better off without a father, and that Mami would be better off as a single mother? Do you realize how devastated we were when you died?”

  “I’m so sorry, Maddie—Madison. I did what I had to do to protect you.”

  “Why are you here now? How did Olivia manage to find you?” Sawyer asked.

  “Ronald McLaughlin—the bas
tard who shot me—was killed in prison a few months ago. He was last person who posed a threat to me, so I was allowed to leave witness protection. I wanted to come back, but had no idea how. I was grateful when I got a message from Olivia.”

  “Did Mami know about this farce?”

  “No, any contact would have put her in danger.” He paused for a moment. “Olivia said she moved back to Spain?”

  “Yeah, and now she’s stuck over there, thanks to you.”

  “How is that my fault?”

  “She never would have left if you hadn’t died, and, even if she did, she would be able to afford to come home.” I had never been so angry in my life. I stood to leave the room.

  “Maddie, wait.”

  “Don’t call me that!”

  “I’m sorry. Madison, there’s something else I need to tell you.”

  “What the fuck else could there possibly be?”

  “Your mom didn’t want to tell you, but I think you deserve to know. Please, hear me out. This might be my last chance to tell you if you decide you never want to speak to me again.”

  I looked to Sawyer. He nodded and hugged me tightly to his chest when I sat back down. “Go ahead,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “When we moved back to Indiana after I left the service, I caught up with Steve—my best friend from high school. He and I picked up right where we left off, and your mother became really close with his wife.” He studied his clasped hands. “One evening, they invited us over for dinner. Ryan was about two at the time and fell asleep on their couch after we finished eating. We got to talking, and they told us that they weren’t able to have kids.”

  “What does this have to do with me?” I asked impatiently.

  “They asked your mother and me to help them out. It turned out that the wife was healthy, but my friend wasn’t able to father a child. Your mother and I discussed it, and we decided that I would make a donation to help them out.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “They ended up having a daughter.”

  “Are you saying I have a sister?”