State of Shock

by Allison B Hanson

  A little blond boy darted around the wall and stopped still. His chubby feet made sticky, slapping sounds on the hardwood floor.

  “What the—?” Sam started.

  “Shh,” the boy said. “S-S-Sam is sleeping.”

  Despite the fact that Sam was frozen in place, staring at a child who was the spitting image of the woman in the kitchen, he managed to look up to see her face.

  She was frowning.

  It was such a huge difference from the way she’d looked the night before, he hardly recognized her.

  “Come have breakfast,” Riley ordered. Sam wasn’t sure who she was speaking to, but he followed the little boy into the kitchen and took his seat. It could have been the lure of the bacon, but he was pretty sure it was blatant curiosity.

  Maybe he’d woken up in an alternate universe or something.

  He’d spent hours talking to Riley the night before, and she’d never once mentioned having a kid, and yet here one sat. Holding his pancake like a cookie and staring at Sam.

  Chapter 3

  “Drink your juice,” Riley told her son to distract him from staring rudely at their guest.

  She was so angry she thought her head might explode all over their breakfast. But she worked very hard not to let it show. It wasn’t Luca’s fault and it wasn’t Sam’s. She had never intended for the two to meet, and now her worst worry was playing out over bacon and chocolate chip pancakes.

  “So, who are you?” Sam asked, looking only at Luca.

  “Luca Fisher.” He ran his name together making it sound like one word.

  “And this is your mommy?” Sam pointed at her and Luca nodded. “Funny, I don’t seem to remember you mentioning him last night.” Sam’s voice was flat but not accusatory.

  “Luca was supposed to be at his dad’s until this evening.”

  “I cried,” Luca said.

  She reached down to brush his fine hair with her fingers. “I just wanted to go out and have a nice time. Thank you.”

  “So I’m free to finish my breakfast and leave with no strings attached?”

  She almost laughed at his expression. She pictured him being chained to her bed as her prisoner. “Of course.” She picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite, chewing harder than necessary. Freakin’ Evan.

  While she loved to see her son and have his little arms around her neck in a choke hold, she would have been just as happy to have that later in the evening—as planned. But according to Evan, he had an appointment. At least that was what he’d told Riley when he dropped off a sleeping Luca at six in the morning.

  Who had appointments that early on a Sunday morning?

  “S-S-Sam,” Luca said. “Snake.”

  Sam looked down at his bare chest, which was covered in tattoos, none of which was a snake.

  “This is a dragon. Not a snake,” Sam told Luca.

  “That’s not what he’s talking about.” Riley shook her head.

  Without a word Luca hopped down from his chair and ran out of the kitchen. He came back a few seconds later with a book and Hops, the stuffed white bunny he’d gotten from his grandmother at Easter. Riley had hoped many times Hops would be abandoned. It was nearly impossible to keep a white rabbit clean when it was owned by a toddler.

  Luca put both items on the floor by Sam’s feet and flipped through the book to find the appropriate page. It might have been easier if he knew the alphabet so he could have flipped right to it, but eventually he found the page he wanted and held the book up awkwardly.

  Sam helped.

  “S-S-Sam the snake,” Luca repeated while pointing.

  “Huh.” Sam nodded. “Look Riley, I’m a snake.” He flipped the book back around and pointed. “Who is this?”

  “T-T-Tommy the turtle.”

  “Ulysses the unicorn?” Sam said and gave Riley a look of disbelief. “Unicorns aren’t real. You know that, right?”

  Luca nodded and held up the bunny. “Hops,” he introduced Sam to his stuffed friend.

  “Hmm. Very manly.”

  “Luca, I think Hops is sleepy, why don’t you go tuck him in your bed so he can take a nap?” Riley suggested.

  “Okay.” She waited until she heard Luca in his room and turned her attention to Sam. “I’m sorry if you feel like I lied to you.”

  “You did lie to me.”

  “Yes. I guess I did. I’m sorry about that. But can you honestly say you would have followed through on the date if you’d known I had a kid?”

  He gave a noncommittal shrug.

  “I haven’t been out with a guy in a while. I haven’t had sex in a very long time. So yes, I used you to have some fun. Sue me. It’s not like this was going to turn into anything anyway. You were going to come out here this morning, eat your breakfast, and come up with some stupid plan to get out of having to deal with me ever again. I’ve actually made it easy for you. You can just finish your bacon and leave knowing I’m not going to call you names when I never hear from you again.”

  “How long has it been since you had sex? Like years?” he asked.

  “Really? That’s all you heard?”

  “No. I heard the rest. I get it.” His brow furrowed. “If you’re okay with how this ends, then I’m okay too.”

  “I am perfectly fine with how this is going to end.” With him walking out the door and never coming back. “I don’t want to expose Luca to a bunch of men who come and go in his life. I grew up with that and it was difficult. Every time I thought someone was going to stick around and be my dad, they left while I was at school and my mother never spoke about him ever again. I don’t want that for him.”

  “I can respect that.”

  “Thank you.” She relaxed and ate another piece of bacon. Anger made her hungry. “Yes, it’s been years.”

  “Maybe the next time you have a free weekend, you can give me a call?” he suggested easily.

  She thought about it for a second and then shook her head. “As much as I don’t want Luca to become attached to men who are unavailable, I don’t want that for myself either.”

  “Got ya.” Sam stood up and took his plate to the sink. “I’ll get the rest of my stuff and head out.”

  She let out a sigh as she watched him walk down the hall. Though she was playing it cool, she had to admit—if only to herself—that she liked Sam for more than sex. She’d had fun with him at dinner the night before. But she’d known what she was signing up for and it wasn’t fair to ask him for more at this stage.

  As far as dates went it didn’t end as neatly as she’d hoped, but last night had been perfect and well worth any discomfort now.

  * * *

  Sam pulled on his shirt and buttoned it while walking out of the room. Luca was standing in the hall with the white bunny looking upset.

  “Um-ere,” he said while taking Sam’s hand and tugging him across the hall. Sam translated his words to mean come here.

  Once inside the boy’s room Luca pointed to the wall.

  “A bug,” he said, clutching his rabbit closer.

  There on the wall, fit as you please, was a smug-ass looking spider.

  Without much thought, Sam slipped off his shoe and smashed the son of a bitch. The dead body fell to the floor, and Sam put his shoe back on while Luca watched.

  “Bug dead,” Luca said while staring at the corpse.

  “Yep. He’s dead. It’s safe now.” Before Sam had a chance to stand back up, Luca wrapped his arms around his neck and squeezed. It was only a second and then he ran over to tuck the rabbit in his tiny bed.

  He was a cute kid. Sam had missed McKenna at this age, so he wasn’t sure how to relate. Not that he needed to. He’d gotten a free pass from Riley.

  He still would have felt better if she would have agreed to go out with him again the next time the kid was at his dad’s, but he understood. Besides, single mothers came with baggage, and he couldn’t handle anymore baggage. He carried around enough of his own.

  When he went out to the living room, Ril
ey shifted her weight to her other foot and ran her hand through her hair. Somehow she was transformed back to the sexy girl he’d been with the night before.

  “Thank you for dinner, and for . . . well . . . you know.”

  “The orgasms?” He couldn’t help himself. He grinned at her and she laughed.

  “Yes. Those were quite nice.”

  “I still can’t believe you’ve gone years. No wonder it was so easy to flip your switch.” He shook his head in disbelief.

  “I’m glad this amuses you.” She rolled her eyes in a playful way, not in the smart ass way his niece and his sister did it.

  “Take care.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. He remembered the first time he’d seen her, how he thought her cheek would be soft. It twisted his gut now to realize how right he was about that.

  “You, too.” She shut the door behind him and he walked to his truck feeling both incredibly relieved and deeply disappointed. He didn’t know why.

  He glanced back at her place and saw the little boy and the rabbit at the window. Luca was waving at him.

  Sam waved back and then drove home to his quiet apartment.

  * * *

  It was easy for Riley to fall back into her normal routine. She offered to work Sunday night at the hotel. And then it was back to the jewelry store on Monday morning.

  Luca was going to stay with Grammy Fisher overnight, and Riley’s mother-in-law frowned when Riley told her what happened with Evan.

  “One day he’s going to wake up and see the mess he’s made of his life and it’s going to be too late for him to do anything about it. If he thinks I’m going to feel bad for him, he’s wrong. He’s my son and I love him, but he’s an idiot.”

  Riley went into the living room to give Luca a kiss goodbye. She ran her fingers through her son’s white-blond hair. “Baby, please don’t grow up to be an idiot, okay?”

  Luca nodded his head as if he understood exactly what she was saying.

  With a kiss and a hug she went off to work.

  Anita never charged Riley to watch Luca, so Riley was fortunate not to have to worry about paying for childcare. But last year Riley’s old car had died. Ian helped find her a reliable little SUV. It was used, but in good shape. It also meant she had a car payment on top of rent, groceries, and utilities. She had enough to cover everything. She tried to put some money away each week to cover the unexpected things life had to offer, but so far her nest egg wasn’t much.

  Thanks to Riley’s brother-in-law and his legal wrangling, she was still getting regular child support payments. After Riley told Evan she wouldn’t stop the garnishment, he’d petitioned the court and was turned down. Again.

  At nine that night, her phone rang. It was Luca calling to say goodnight.

  “I love you, baby.”

  “And Hops?” he asked.

  “Of course. I love Hops, too.”

  “And S-S-Sam?”

  Oh shit. She didn’t want her son to be confused about any man in her life. She also didn’t want her ex-mother-in-law to know she’d had a date. “I love T-T-Tommy the turtle.”

  “Unicorns aren’t real,” Luca announced as if the idea was preposterous.

  “That’s right. Sleep tight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Night Momma. Love you.”

  “He sure does love that book doesn’t he?” Anita said when she got on the phone. Riley let out a sigh of relief.

  “Yes. I hope he never asks for a snake for a pet. That’s just not going to happen.”

  “I hope you have a nice shift, dear. I’m sorry you have to work so much. You’re a good mother.”

  “Thanks, Anita.” It was nice to hear every once in a while. Especially on nights like this one, when she felt like a bad mother who wasn’t there to tuck her son in.

  As she sat behind the hotel desk, bored out of her mind but getting paid, she thought of how things would have been different if Evan hadn’t had an affair, knocked up some other woman, and left Riley shocked and alone with a three-month-old baby.

  She would have finished school and gotten a good job. She would have only had to work one job, so she would have been home to put Luca to bed every night.

  Somewhere in her thoughts, she began picturing Sam as her husband instead of Evan. Most likely it was because Sam was so much better in bed than Evan ever thought to be. She laughed out loud at herself, knowing that would never happen. Sam was not husband or father material. She had a better chance of going back in time and stopping Evan from turning out to be an asshole than she did of making Sam into a relationship kind of guy.

  * * *

  Sam shifted uncomfortably in the stuffy auditorium. He hated being at things like this. People automatically assumed he was Georgie’s husband instead of her brother. As if the thought of being someone’s husband didn’t already twist his gut. He and Georgie looked nothing alike so it was an easy mistake to make, but no less disgusting.

  “There she is.” Georgie smacked his leg and pointed.

  “Where?” Sam looked down in to a sea of moving graduates.

  “The tall one in the white gown.”

  All of the girls were wearing white gowns. More than a few of them were tall. Then he saw McKenna turn and wave up at them. His chest tightened. How many times had this girl made him feel grounded when his head was swimming with bad thoughts? So many he couldn’t count. It was hard to feel sorry for himself when a preteen was painting his fingernails pink and telling him about her day.

  “I can’t believe she’s an adult,” Sam found himself saying. He knew he sounded like an old person, but he couldn’t help it.

  Georgie chuckled through her tears. “I wish Isaac could have been here to see this.”

  “Me too.” Isaac was Georgie’s husband and McKenna’s father. He had been in the army. Sam never saw him in Afghanistan despite the fact they were both there at the same time. It was a big country and there were a lot of people there.

  Isaac made it home from the war only to be killed in a car accident down the street from their home. No doubt both Isaac and Georgie thought the worst was over when he arrived home. They thought they had their whole lives ahead of them.

  Sam had been honest when he said he wished Isaac could have been there to see McKenna graduate. He should have been there instead of Sam.

  Sam knew the signs of survivor’s guilt. He’d been told all about it as he recovered in the hospital in Germany. Anytime something big happened in McKenna’s life, he felt the guilt tugging at him.

  But it was nothing compared to the guilt he felt when he thought of the men—his men—that were lost on that hill. They’d all been shot, taken over by insurgents, but while Sam woke up with no more than a scar, the other men never did.

  “Are you okay?” He heard his sister ask. She sounded so far away, even though she sat next to him.

  He swallowed down the pain and nodded. “It’s so hot in here.”

  “It’s June in Virginia,” she told him flatly. As if he didn’t know. They were inside because a storm had been moving in before the ceremony. Sam hoped it would hit soon to relieve the pressure and humidity.

  It felt like hours later before the group of students tossed their hats in the air and started merging toward the exits. Sam waited patiently in the lobby beside a wall of glass as the storm hit. Large drops of rain came down speckling the concrete before picking up momentum.

  “Ready to go?” his sister asked.

  Just as Georgie and McKenna stepped out of the auditorium, it became a full-out deluge.

  Along with the survivor’s guilt came the knowledge that everything in life came down to timing. Sometimes a matter of seconds meant the difference between life and death. And sometimes it just meant you were going to get wet.

  At the restaurant, after dessert, Sam presented McKenna with the charm bracelet. Of course he wanted her to like it, but when she actually burst into tears, he wished she hadn’t liked it quite so much. There wasn’t much a man hated m
ore than a female in tears.

  “I love it!” McKenna said.

  “The girl who made it said you’d be able to add other charms if you wanted. For other events in your life.” Thinking about Riley made his heart squeeze a little. He shook it off and asked the waitress for more napkins since Georgie was crying now too. God help me.

  * * *

  Riley was still smiling the next week at work which caused Pauline to frown at her.

  “What is going on with you?” the owner of Valley Jewelers asked.

  “What do you mean?” There was no way she was going into sexual details with a sixty-seven-year-old woman who spent most of her free time with three cats named after the Stooges.

  “You’re smiling.” Pauline pointed, although Riley knew she was still grinning.

  “Can’t a person smile when they’re happy in their work?”

  Pauline’s only answer was an unladylike snort of disbelief.

  Riley didn’t blame her. It surely wasn’t that Riley was happy in her work. It was still that night with Sam.

  It had been the perfect date. From the way he’d helped her into his truck, to the three major orgasms, right up to the kiss on her cheek when he’d said good-bye and walked out of her life.

  She’d gotten exactly what she’d wanted out of the relationship. Sure, it only lasted for roughly fourteen hours, but she was calling it a success. She went out on a date, like a grown woman and she’d had sex . . . like a real grown-up woman.

  When her shift was over she stopped by her sister’s house before going to pick up Luca. Roslyn tilted her head to one side and then said, “Ooh, what’s got you smiling like that?”

  “I told you I had a date last week,” she reminded her sister. Roz knew what was best, and most days Riley stayed quiet as if that were true.

  “Last week? And you’re still glowing like that? It must have been good.” Roslyn cut Maddy’s hotdogs into perfect semi-circles and put them on the tray in the high-chair. Maddy picked them up one by one with her delicate fingers and looked at them before putting them in her mouth and chewing slowly.

  Riley shook her head and the difference between her niece and her son who would have hogged down all the pieces in one giant bite.