State of Shock

by Allison B Hanson

  “Your therapist was an overworked bitter man who didn’t want to take the time to actually help you. It’s much easier to say this is just how it is, rather than work to fix it. Look at how much better you are now than when you first got stateside. You’re healing. You used to jump at everything.”

  “Now it’s just garbage trucks, and a car door the other day.”

  “It’s not a big deal.”

  “I’ve scared Riley. I’ve seen the way she looks when I wake her up in the middle of the night.”

  “Is she angry with you?”

  He shook his head. Just because they weren’t angry didn’t mean they shouldn’t be. “No, but I’m not ready to get my hopes up.”

  “Sure. Sure. I’m just happy to hear you’re taking someone serious.”

  “Are we onboard with this babysitting plan or not?” he asked, dismissing her insinuation that he was serious. Which he had to admit he was.

  Chapter 9

  Riley noticed Sam frown when he walked in her apartment. She’d sent him a text that said she was home. Then she’d picked up Luca and was planning to ditch on his invite to a real dinner date. Fast food would have to do.

  “I thought I told you to be ready to go out,” he said as a young girl came in behind him.

  “I am. I thought I looked good enough for Burger Barn.”

  “We’re not going to the Burger Barn. This is my niece McKenna. She’s a certified babysitter. She’s going to watch Luca while we go eat. If it works out and he likes her she can help fill in for Mrs. Fisher, so she doesn’t get burned out.”

  “Oh-kay.” She didn’t know what was happening.

  The girl stepped forward and handed her two pieces of paper stapled together.

  “Here’s a copy of my certification, along with a letter of recommendation from another family I babysit for.”

  “Very nice.” It was obvious McKenna was qualified. She’d already bent down to play with Luca and he was giggling and covering his belly. “How much do you charge an hour?” Riley asked.

  “Sam is helping me buy a car in exchange for babysitting. I’m working for him,” the girl said with a friendly, trustworthy smile.

  “Go change into something girly. We’ll talk at dinner,” Sam said, borderline bossy.

  “Yes, we will.” She didn’t like being ordered around. Even when the person doing the ordering was helping her out and smelled delicious.

  She slipped off her denim shorts and T-shirt and pulled on a sundress. She let her hair out of the ponytail, and put on some mascara and lip gloss. Good to go.

  Sam smiled as she came out to the living room.

  “Do you have some kind of fairy godmother back there or something?”

  “If I had a fairy godmother do you think I would waste her skills on my hair?”

  “No. Probably not.” Sam leaned down to talk to Luca. “Be good for McKenna, okay?” Luca nodded. “You have my number. If you need anything, call. We won’t be far.”

  “No problem,” McKenna said. “Have a nice time.”

  Sam led Riley out of the house and to his truck.

  “You don’t need to worry. She’s a great kid,” Sam assured her.

  “And she’s doing this because you’re buying her a car?”

  “I’m helping. She has money saved up. I’m going to make up the rest. Her mother didn’t want her to be given a car so we’ve come up with this solution for her to pay it back.”

  “But I’m the one who’s benefiting. What do I owe you?”

  He wiggled his eyebrows at her and then laughed.

  “I’d still be the one benefiting,” she allowed, making him laugh louder.

  They had a nice dinner at the same restaurant he took her to on their first date—before he knew she was a mother.

  “So we’re okay with McKenna helping cover the nights when I’m out of town and you’re working? I’m worried about Mrs. Fisher. She’s no spring chicken, you know.”

  “I do. Thank you, Sam. For a guy who doesn’t like responsibilities, you sure are good at them.”

  He shrugged it off. “As long as we don’t actually call them responsibilities, I might be all right.”

  She had something she needed to ask him. This might be the right time, now that he was feeling all in control of the situation.

  “I was wondering what you were doing the Saturday after next,” she said.

  “Why? What’s up?”

  “It’s Luca’s birthday. I was hoping you’d be off, and maybe you could come to his party. It’s not a big thing. It will be at Cooper and Roslyn’s because they have a big yard. Maddy’s birthday is the week before Luca’s so we’re going to celebrate them together. There will be cake.”

  “Sure. I love cake.”

  She swallowed.

  “Everyone else will be there too. Lex and Ian and their kids. Tucker and Nichole. I think Dalton is going to come too.”

  “Okay.” He tilted his head to the side, watching her. “Why would this be a problem? They know we’re seeing each other.”

  “Right. They know we’re seeing each other. But if you’re there for Luca’s birthday party, they might think this thing with us is more serious than you’d like them to think.” She was trying to give him an out. It was one thing to hang out at her house, but another to spend his Saturday at an event with a bounce castle.

  “If I spent a lot of time caring about what they think, I wouldn’t have time for anything else.”

  She relaxed slightly. It was a good answer, however it didn’t firm up his intentions with her at all. She frowned as she envisioned Luca with an album full of pictures of him with men who never stayed.

  * * *

  Sam honestly didn’t care what everyone thought of him and Riley. They all had their chance to give their opinions. Besides, they all assumed he would have moved on by now and hurt her, but he hadn’t. He wasn’t even planning on it.

  He paused at the thought. If he wasn’t planning on leaving at some point, then that meant . . .

  They finished their meal and got home in time to give Luca his bath and put him to bed. Sam gave McKenna a ride home while Riley read the fire engine book a second time.

  “So you don’t mind doing this?” he asked McKenna.

  “He’s a great kid. I don’t mind at all.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Riley seems nice,” she mentioned, clearly trying to be offhand.

  “She is.”

  “Is she going to be my aunt someday?” Her lips were pressed together as she tried to hold back a smirky grin.

  “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

  “Yes, but I want to know myself.”

  “Do you remember that time when I first came to live with you and you jumped out from behind the sofa?” Without thinking, he’d grabbed her and flipped her on her back, knocking the wind out of her.

  “Oh, yes.” She laughed. It had scared her at first, but then she had asked him to flip her over the sofa again, but not as hard.

  “I’m messed up. And besides, eventually, you did ask me to stop flipping you over the sofa.”

  “I think you’re a pretty nice guy,” she said.

  “That’s only because I’m going to help buy you a car.”

  She laughed at that, but let it go.

  When he got back, Riley was sleeping in Luca’s bed. He picked her up and carried her to her own bed, wondering if he could ever be good enough for her.

  “Thank you for tonight,” she whispered as she cuddled up next to him.

  “Anytime. Anything.”

  The next morning he dropped his bag by the front door and went to the kitchen to say his goodbyes to Riley. He was heading out for a week, but he’d be back in time for Luca’s party.

  He didn’t want to leave them. Not for a week.

  Not ever.

  * * *

  Sam was leaning against the counter with a glass of milk, unenthusiastic about leaving for his trip. Seeing his reluctance warmed her
heart in a selfish way. She understood he had a job to do, but knowing he’d rather be with her made her feel wanted.

  It was at that peaceful moment when Luca came running into the kitchen brandishing his selected toy of the day. The way he chose his toys baffled her. Some neglected toy from the bottom of his toy box would resurface to be the next best thing if only for a few hours.

  Today the toy of choice was a machine gun, complete with the annoying sound effects and an orange rim at the end of the barrel to inform his potential victim that the tiny weapon wasn’t real. To her, it was no more than bothersome. But Sam reacted in a much different way.

  Sam didn’t have the luxury of seeing the orange rim, and Riley wasn’t sure it would have mattered. His back was turned to Luca as he pulled the trigger causing an irritating rat-tat-tat-tat sound to fill the kitchen.

  The glass in his hand fell to the floor, sending shattered glass and milk everywhere. She didn’t have a chance to say anything before Sam had grabbed her forearm and forced her down to the floor in front of him.

  Fire and pain shot through her hand when she landed in the glass.

  Sam reeled around on Luca, releasing his painful grasp on her arm. He ripped the toy out of Luca’s hands and threw it across the room.

  “What are you doing?” he yelled at her son. “You can’t do that!”

  Luca burst into tears, wailing for her. She had blood dripping from her hand, and trickling down her milk-covered leg. Bits of black plastic littered the floor along with the broken glass.

  Sam’s face changed in an instant. He was no longer angry, he looked terrified as he picked up Luca before he could reach her so he didn’t get cut by the glass.

  Luca screamed, and Sam handed him over to her with pain in his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  In a matter of seconds her moment of peace had been transformed into some kind of nightmare.

  Sam continued to apologize as he cleaned up the mess and helped put a bandage on her arm.

  “I’m sorry about your toy, okay, Luc?” He frowned at Luca who was still curled up in her lap, little sobs shaking his body. “I’ll get you a new one.”

  She wanted to tell him he wasn’t upset about the toy, but she was pretty sure he already knew that.

  “You need to go,” she said. The look of panic he gave her made her blood turn cold. She pointed to the clock on the microwave. “You’ll miss your flight.”

  “Oh.” He relaxed and she did too. It was only then she realized what she’d said.

  “Sam, it’s okay.”

  “It’s definitely not okay. Look at your hand and your arm.” He ran his hand over his chin in distress as she glanced down at her ripped up hand and the blooming bruises on her arm. “I did that.”

  “You weren’t trying to hurt me. I know that.”

  “But I did hurt you.” This was said as the undeniable fact it was. Riley’s heart hurt for him.

  He let out a breath and looked over at the clock again.

  “Go on your trip. We’ll talk when you get back. Luca is going to be fine,” she said to reassure him.

  He nodded and bent down in front of her so he could be eye-to-eye with Luca.

  “I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to yell.” He paused and looked up at her, his normally happy eyes were filled with misery. “I don’t know how to explain this to him so he knows I didn’t mean it.”

  She didn’t know either.

  “Luca, Sam needs to get on an airplane. Let’s give him a hug good-bye.” With Luca in her arms she reached up and wrapped her arms around Sam. To her relief, Luca did the same thing.

  Sam squeezed them close for an instant and then quickly released them and went to the door where his bag was waiting.

  “I’ll see you later,” he said without looking back, and she thought she heard tears in his voice.

  * * *

  “Oh, hell,” he muttered to himself as he drove to the airport.

  He was almost in a full scale panic by the time he boarded the plane to head out for his next job near Houston. How had he let this happen? Sure he knew he was getting closer to them than was safe, even serious as his sister had pointed out, but up until now he thought he was still in control.

  He was sure he could walk away at any minute. Now he wasn’t so sure.

  “Are you nervous about flying?” the older woman next to him asked.

  “No. I’m nervous about something else.”

  “Something else” being how comfortable he was in this relationship with a single mother and a little boy. There was no more denying what it was. And how much it would hurt when she asked him to leave.

  But again that was his choice. No one had forced him into this. He knew all along it could end. But it had been so easy to think he could handle things and be part of their lives. Even the party; it was a simple invite. Cake.

  Ever since the incident with Jessica he’d always played it safe. Kept his distance so no one would find out how messed up he was.

  But he’d let his guard down and Riley and Luca had worked themselves into his life. He had no exit strategy.

  He was in too deep. It was time for an evasive maneuver before it was too late. He didn’t want them to have to deal with his problems. The only way to save them from the demons that haunted him was to get out.

  With that decided, he settled into his seat on the plane and relaxed.

  He was going to focus on this job and let the rest work itself out.

  It was a good plan, but two days later he found himself reading a text from Riley and smiling. Dammit. He wasn’t good for someone like her, and she sure as hell wasn’t good for someone like him.

  Someone who couldn’t get attached.

  His phone beeped with another text. This one was a picture of Luca wearing a pair of sneakers Sam had left at her place. He looked like he had clown feet. Surely something he’d learned out of his cute kid playbook. They had already forgiven him for his episode. But he hadn’t.

  Sam put his phone away and didn’t answer. He needed to do the right thing.

  For the entire trip, his nerves were frazzled from worry. He hardly slept, and when he did his dreams were filled with all the normal ghosts.

  He even found himself face-down in the Texas dust at the sound of a nail gun the next morning at the jobsite. After dusting himself off and making sure no one had noticed, he made his decision.

  There was no way of getting out now without causing everyone pain. But that didn’t mean it didn’t have to be done. It was time.

  He stayed on the job longer than was necessary, wanting to give himself more time to get his head on straight. He couldn’t do this anymore. His friends had been right all along. He was going to bail or worse, and Riley and Luca would end up hurt.

  And so would he.

  * * *

  When Riley stepped in her sister’s kitchen to help with the party, Roz froze with a pile of tractor plates in her hand.

  “What happened to your arm?” she pointed at the yellowing bruises. Five distinct marks left by Sam’s long fingers.

  “It’s not what you think. Sam got surprised by Luca’s toy, and he grabbed my arm to pull me to safety.” She held up her bandaged hand. “Safety was actually a pile of broken glass.”

  Roslyn frowned.

  “He didn’t mean it. It was a reaction. He can’t help it,” she explained, wondering if the woman across the street who lived with the abusive boyfriend said the same kinds of things.

  “Where is Sam?” Roslyn asked.

  Luca was at his grandmother’s. She was going to bring him over later so everyone could yell “surprise.” Cooper and Roslyn had rented a bouncy castle which was already filled with the Montgomery children.

  “I’m not sure if he’s coming,” Riley answered. She hadn’t heard a peep out of Sam since he left. She knew he was probably still upset about the incident. She’d tried her best to convince him that everything was fine, but she couldn’t stop
him if he continued to punish himself.

  “What do you mean he’s not coming? Is he still out of town?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t really know. I thought he was supposed to be back on Wednesday, but it’s Saturday and I haven’t heard from him.”

  “Did you call him?”

  “Yeah.” Once, but it still counted. She wasn’t going to keep calling him like some kind of crazy person, begging him to come to her child’s birthday party. If he didn’t want to be here, then screw him.

  “What did he say?” Roz asked, not knowing when to stop pushing.

  “He didn’t say anything. I got his voicemail. I left a message and he didn’t call back. I think you can figure out the rest from that information.”

  “I’m sorry.” Again, Roz glanced down at her battered arm.

  “Don’t worry about it. It happens. We had a good run. I knew he wasn’t stick-around material.”

  “I don’t know why you can’t meet a nice guy. Why do you always end up getting screwed over?” Roz asked as Nichole walked up.

  “Oh, no. Sam?”

  “Not coming,” Roz told her.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. Do we hate him?” Nichole asked, ready to come to Riley’s defense like the good friend she was. “What the hell happened to your arm?” She slipped into doctor mode, examining the bruises and then checking the cuts under the bandage.

  “We don’t hate Sam. It was an accident. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “He’s really not coming today?” Nic asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Riley replied.

  “He could have at least called.” Roslyn frowned.

  “Okay. That would have been nice,” Riley agreed as Lexi came in.

  “What happened to your arm?” Lexi pointed while Riley wished they all would have been in the kitchen at the same time. Once again she explained the issue. Everyone seemed appeased with her answer—which was good since it was the truth.

  “Ian has your website ready to go,” Lex said as she crunched on a carrot.

  “Did you finally set up a website for your jewelry?” Roz asked excitedly.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s about time. I’ve been telling you to do that for years!”

  It was true. Roz had encouraged her to start her own business last year. But necessity had been a better motivator than her big sister.