State of Shock

by Allison B Hanson

  “Oh, that reminds me, I have an order from one of the nurses,” Nic said as she dug around in her bag. “Give this girl a call. She’s getting married next month and she wants her bridesmaids to have the same kind of necklaces.”

  “Thank you.” She had great friends. And her sister had already bought six bracelets.

  “No problem.”

  Riley’s phone vibrated as she tucked the paper in her bag, happy for the business. “Anita is bringing Luca over now. We have about ten minutes.”

  “I’ll tell Cooper to bring Maddy out.”

  Everything was pretty much done. They blew up a few more balloons and gathered everyone together so they could sing when he walked through the gate.

  When it opened Riley gasped.

  Luca came through the gate on the top of Sam’s shoulders.

  “Happy Birthday, Luca and Maddy!” everyone cheered, making him giggle. Maddy turned into her father’s neck and refused to look. The small crowd sang to them as Sam flipped Luca over his head and set him safely on his feet. Luca’s eyes were on the bouncy castle, and he tore off in that direction before the last chorus was sung.

  To her shock, Sam walked straight to her, bent down and kissed her.

  “I missed you,” he said as he pulled her away from everyone else.

  “I—I didn’t know if you were coming.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. I freaked out, Ri. It was bad.” He rubbed his palm over his hair. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I know you didn’t sign up for this. You asked me out for dinner and a night of fun, and now here you are at my kid’s birthday party.”

  “I’m not good at this. I have a lot of issues from the war. As you’ve seen. But the thing is, I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

  “Because there’s cake?” she joked because things felt too serious. She was in danger of saying something she shouldn’t. Something she couldn’t.

  He pulled her against him and kissed her hair.

  “I love you, Sam.” Yep. That was exactly what she didn’t want to say. “Don’t freak out.”

  He didn’t say anything back, but she felt his arms tighten and pull her closer before he relaxed. It wasn’t an admission by any normal standards, but Riley knew his body. She knew what he wasn’t saying. He felt something too. It wasn’t her imagination desperate to believe a man cared for her. She knew he did.

  “Come on. Let’s go watch Luc bounce around,” he said as he released her. “He won’t stop if he has to pee, and I doubt you got flood insurance for the bounce castle.”

  He linked his fingers through hers and they walked over to watch Luca giggle every time he fell down.

  Instead of going to the outskirts of the party to hang out with the other males, Sam stayed by her side. Twice she saw him glance down at her arm and frown, pain still there in his eyes. He helped light the candles and held the door so she could carry the cake out to the table where everyone cheered.

  To the casual observer they must have looked like an ordinary family. Well, except for the obvious physical differences.

  “Did you make a wish when you helped Luca blow out the candles?” Sam asked her.

  “I did. I wished his father would sign off his rights so he never has to know him, or how horrible a father he is.”

  “He didn’t send a present?” Sam asked.

  “No.”

  After cake they helped Luca open his gifts. Not that he needed much help anymore. Somewhere between two and three he’d become a pro at ridding toys of their elaborate packaging. He even helped Maddy open her presents too.

  Luca seemed happy with the movies she’d bought him. Movies neither of them had seen yet. It was as much a gift for her as it was for him.

  As she gathered up the discarded wrapping paper she noticed Sam sneak out of the yard.

  A few minutes later he came back pushing a small blue bicycle, complete with training wheels and a bow.

  “A bike!” Luca pointed.

  “Happy Birthday,” Sam said while Luca all but pushed him out of the way to get on. “Hold on. You need to get suited up before you ride.” He pulled the helmet from the crook of his elbow and held it out, spinning it around so it was the right way. “You need to wear the helmet and pads every time you get on the bike, got it?”

  Luca nodded, the helmet making the gesture wobbly.

  With the pads Velcroed in place Sam assisted him onto the seat and helped him down the driveway.

  “I do it,” Luca told him, not wanting any help. Sam backed off, but went down to the end of the driveway to block his path out into traffic.

  “He’s a natural,” Anita said. Whether she meant Sam or Luca, Riley wasn’t sure.

  “He’s pretty great.”

  “Has Evan called?” Anita asked. Riley could hear the worry in the woman’s voice. Riley understood her need to believe her son hadn’t forgotten Luca’s birthday. She wanted to think Evan was a stand-up guy who would at least call.

  “No. Not yet. If he doesn’t call, I’ll call him after the party so Luca can tell him about it.”

  Anita nodded. “You’re a good girl. I raised him better than this. I don’t know where I went wrong.”

  “I know it wasn’t you. Do you think I’d let my son stay with you if I thought you were to blame for Evan?” Riley smiled so she would know it was a joke.

  “I thought it was because I was free.”

  “No. I wouldn’t sell my son’s soul to the devil for free childcare.”

  Anita patted Riley’s shoulder and went to go take pictures of her grandson on his new bike.

  Sam had his phone out as Riley walked up.

  “Are you going to give me grief for spoiling him with a big present?” he asked.

  “No.”

  Sam snapped a selfie of them while he kissed her cheek.

  “Good. Then maybe I’ll let you ride it when he’s done.”

  “It looks a little small for me. Maybe I’d like to ride something . . . bigger.”

  “Are you propositioning me for sex at your kid’s birthday party?”

  “Yep.”

  “Doesn’t sugar keep kids awake?”

  “Hmm. Yeah. I guess I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect me.”

  “You’re such a good mom.” He kissed her again. “He has to sleep sometime.” They laughed together as Luca yelled for them to watch him.

  When they got home, Sam helped carry all of Luca’s loot into the apartment. He fussed about leaving his bike on the porch, but eventually came inside to play with something else.

  With a deep breath Riley pulled out her phone and dialed.

  “Yeah?” Evan answered, sounding annoyed.

  “Hey, it’s me. I’m here with the birthday boy.”

  “Oh. Crap,” he said. “I got him something. I’m not sure where I put it during the move.”

  More excuses. She frowned at the phone and once again worried for her son. She’d wanted him to have the father she never had. Someone to love him and teach him how to be a man. Instead he had Evan.

  She took a breath and braced herself for seeing a lifetime worth of disappointment on her son’s face.

  As it turned out, Luca was too busy playing with Sam to even come to the phone. With a quick, “Hi Daddy, I hafta piss,” he was running down the hall and Riley was able to end the call.

  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  Once Luca was in bed she went to her room, eager to be with Sam.

  “We need to talk.”

  “Sam—” She could tell by his face he was planning to apologize yet again for what happened.

  “No, I don’t want you letting me off the hook. You told me how you feel about me today. If we have any chance at making this work, I need to explain.”

  “Okay.”

  He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders before he began.

  “When I got back from the service I met a girl. I was still dealing with a lot of grief and she made me
feel better. I knew I didn’t deserve to feel better, but I wanted it. I wanted her and I wanted to have a family.”

  Riley twitched at this information. He was hers. She didn’t like thinking of him with someone else.

  “We moved in together and I thought things were going to be great. But then one night I woke up from a nightmare with my hands around her neck.”

  She gasped.

  “She kicked me, the pain woke me up. As soon as I realized what was happening, I let go. When she caught her breath she started yelling. I couldn’t blame her. No one deserves that.” He shook his head.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” she said.

  “One of the neighbors must have heard the screaming and called the police. They took one look at the handprint around her neck and suggested she file a PFA.”

  “Surely she knew a protection from abuse order wasn’t going to stop a nightmare,” Riley said.

  Sam sighed.

  “I’m not sure if she was really that scared of me, or if it wasn’t working for her and this was a tidy way to get rid of me. But she did it.” He bit his lip and looked up at her. “I thought she would drop it, but she didn’t. Fortunately the judge was a vet. He ordered me to three months of court-appointed therapy.”

  Riley let out a breath.

  “It sounds like I got off easy. But it was three months of being told I was always going to be like this, and having a family might be out of my grasp.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “I wanted to stay clear of you and Luca. I never meant to drag you into my shit. But I couldn’t help it. And after what happened I wanted to let you go so you wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. But then I showed up today with a fucking bike, like the selfish bastard I am.”

  “It’s not selfish to want good things in your life.”

  “At the cost of hurting other people?” He raised his brow.

  “You said once that you sleep so much better with me.”

  He nodded. “Feeling you next to me reminds me that I’m not alone. I know I’m safe.”

  “Then come to bed and let me hold you tight.”

  * * *

  Sam was awakened the next week by the crack of thunder. Flashes of lightning filled the bedroom and he blinked, trying to remember where he was. He was in Riley’s bed. When his hand didn’t encounter a warm body, he remembered she was working at the hotel.

  Once he was awake, he heard another sound in the darkness. On the next flash, the room lit up enough that he saw Luca coming into the room. He was dragging a blanket and his rabbit.

  “You scared, buddy?” Sam said while patting the mattress. Riley usually went into his bedroom to sleep with him, so he wouldn’t get used to sleeping in her bed. But Sam didn’t fit in the little bed.

  Instead of crawling in bed with Sam Luca bent down beside it. According to the blank alarm clock it was sometime in the middle of the night and the power was out. Which meant Luca’s nightlights weren’t fighting off evil.

  “Come here,” Luca said from under the bed.

  “Okay.” He let out a breath and got down on the floor next to Luca. “Is this better?”

  Luca nodded. “My fort.”

  “Oh. It’s nice. But I don’t think I’m going to fit.”

  “Yuh huh.” Luca scooched over making room for him. Sam couldn’t very well refuse an invite to a fort.

  He got situated, moving the bunny away from his face. He was just dozing off again, when his phone vibrated.

  “Yeah?” he said after reaching up to the nightstand to retrieve it.

  “How’s it going?” Riley asked.

  “I’m under the bed with one leg inside a tiny Buzz Lightyear sleeping bag.”

  “I forgot to warn you about the storm fort,” she said. He was sure she was laughing.

  “Your power is out.”

  “Oh hell. How long?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Don’t open the refrigerator or the freezer. It will stay colder in there if the doors aren’t opened.” Well, duh. He didn’t say that. “My shift is almost over. There was something on TV about some flooding on this side of town. I’m getting ready to head out.”

  “Be careful. Don’t go through standing water.”

  “Well, duh.” She said it out loud.

  “I’ll see you when you get here. Just so you know, there’s no more room in the fort, so you’ll have to chance it on the bed.”

  “Poor me.”

  Thirty minutes later she still wasn’t home, and he was getting worried. Before he got the chance to call back she called him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked right away.

  “No,” she said, but he could tell she wasn’t harmed as much as inconvenienced. “There’s a tree down on Sycamore, and flooding on Elm. I can’t seem to get through to the other side of town. Every way I try, it’s blocked.”

  As much as he wanted her home, having her safe was most important.

  “Can you get as far as Randall Avenue on Elm?”

  “Yeah, but that’s as far as I can go.”

  “I live on Randall. Just go to my house for the night.”

  “How am I going to get in?”

  “There’s a panel on the garage door. The code is four, four, four, four.”

  “Four fours? Really?”

  “Shh. It’s a secret. Call me once you get in.”

  “All right. Is Luca okay?”

  “Sleeping.”

  “Thanks.” They hung up and he continued to worry until she called back fifteen minutes later. Something shifted in his heart at the sound of her voice. The way he relaxed when he knew she was safe. It wasn’t something to fear, it was actually quite nice.

  * * *

  The stairs from the garage led up into his immaculate kitchen. Didn’t Sam know he was a bachelor? He was supposed to have empty beer cans and pizza boxes everywhere. Not a spotless kitchen that made her feel inadequate because she had dishes in the sink.

  She shook the rain off at the rug, not wanting to drip on his clean floors.

  Clean floors? Seriously?

  She kicked off her shoes and pulled out her phone to call him back while she looked around.

  “Is there power there?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “You can turn the air conditioning on if it’s hot. The thermostat is at the top of the stairs.” The apartment was a little muggy and the air smelled stale from being closed up, but clean.

  “I’ll be fine.” She walked down the hall. The bathroom was to the right and then the bedroom. “Holy cow!”

  “What?”

  “Your bed is huge! Why don’t we sleep over here?”

  “Because there is only one room and there wouldn’t be anywhere for Luca to sleep.” She smiled at his answer. The way he accepted Luca as part of the deal, without complaint, warmed her heart.

  “Aww. Are these your parents?” she asked as she picked up a photo next to his bed. The other picture was of two children. Most likely Sam with his older sister.

  “If it’s next to the bed, yes.”

  “They look happy.”

  “They were, I guess. I don’t know.” Right, his father died when he was a child.

  “Hmm. Someone was kind of pudgy when he was a kid.”

  “I was husky, not pudgy. I was between growth spurts,” he defended.

  “Okay, okay. Don’t get a complex. You turned out fine.” More than fine. He was sexy and muscular with nothing that resembled pudge. “I’m going to sleep in your bed nude.”

  “I don’t need to hear the details. Just make yourself comfortable.”

  “Actually, can I borrow this Braves T-shirt?” she asked.

  “Damn.”

  “What?”

  “Well, I don’t know which is worse. Picturing you in my bed nude or in my Braves T-shirt.”

  “Hmm. Maybe next time McKenna comes to babysit, we’ll come over here and find out.” She waited for a smart response, but there was nothi
ng. Maybe he fell asleep? “Sam?” she whispered so not to disturb him.

  “I’m here.” There was some tone to his voice she didn’t recognize. It gave her a chill.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Again, she could tell something wasn’t quite right.

  “Just tell me. If you want me to sleep on the sofa, I can.”

  “No.” She could hear a breath. “This probably isn’t the right way to do this. Over the phone with you across town, but I just need to say it.”

  “Say what?” Her heart was in her throat. Surely he wouldn’t break up with her in the middle of the night during a storm.

  “I love you, Ri.”

  She covered her mouth and felt it pull up into a smile.

  “Ri?”

  “Yeah. I heard you. Are you okay? I know that wasn’t the plan.”

  She could hear a soft laugh from his end.

  “I don’t see any way of getting out of it if I’m not okay with it,” he admitted.

  “Best just to go with it then, huh?”

  “I guess so.”

  “It’s not so bad. I’ve been in love with you for a little while now, and I’m still here to tell about it,” she teased him.

  “But you don’t have—I’m just sorry I’m not—better.” The words sounded as if they were ripped from his soul. He honestly thought he was too damaged to be part of a loving relationship. And why wouldn’t he? The last girl hadn’t cared enough to stick it out. Sure it wasn’t easy being woken up by night terrors or pulled to the ground at loud noises. But Sam was worth all of that. She wasn’t delusional. She understood what she was signing up for. But she was willing to stick it out for the person he was when he was awake. And he loved her.

  “Sam, you’re an amazing man. We’ll work out the rest. It’s going to be okay,” she assured him the best she could from miles away.

  “I guess what I’m saying is . . .” He paused and she waited. “You can use my toothbrush if you want.”

  Chapter 10

  They only had time for a quick kiss when Riley got home the next morning. Sam was relieved they didn’t have to go through the details of his revelation from the wee hours of the morning. It wasn’t that he didn’t mean it. He’d been honest about his feelings. He knew he loved her. He just wasn’t sure what to say next. He’d never gone this far before and he didn’t want to mess it up. He’d spent years worrying about how he would handle another person being this important and integral to his life. But now that it was here, he felt content.