HIS LOVE

by KENYAN, M. O

  "There isn't much anyone can do from six feet under." Rayne could feel her heart tighten in knots. "Reno died in a car crash. He was with my dad. Soon there was just my mom and me. Danny came along and I thought that he was the best thing that happened to me. I got my high school diploma and followed the love of my life on the road. I knew I was hurting my mother leaving her alone so soon after the accident, but I wanted to find out who I was. Which is total bullshit." Antonio and Jacqueline giggled, Rayne swore that she even heard a chuckle from Kane. "Sorry, Mrs. Burke."

  "I have a hysterical daughter and a smart mouthed son; there is nothing I haven't heard," Sofia said.

  "Anyway, two years later I was back home a junkie and eight months pregnant." Rayne tried to blink the tears back, but they betrayed her. "My mother pulled me down to the kitchen floor just like this, she put chocolate cake and ice cream on one side, which was a relief at the time because I was starving. But on the other she put one of my father's bottle of whiskey and some oxy she found in my bag. Then she told me to pick."

  "You picked the cake?" Jacqueline asked a hint of hope in her tone.

  "Nope, I reached out for the booze and drugs. And when I did, I saw the look of disappointment on her face, but I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. I opened the bottle and got a couple of pills, but I didn't take them right away. I watched her watch me, then she said 'I would rather watch my little girl die now than keep wondering where she is for the rest of my life.'"

  "That's just—" Jacqueline gasped unable to finish her thought, but Rayne understood. And heavy was the appropriate word to use.

  "I dumped the booze and drugs and turned to the chocolate cake. That was when I learned my lesson, you can have everything, be anything, but once that is stripped down, all you have is your family."

  "I thought you were going to say listen to your mother." Jacqueline smiled.

  "Yep, that's important too, but at this point if you don't know who you are or what you want, you have bigger problems than you thought you did." Rayne took a bite of her chocolate cake. "Right now just stuff your face with cake and cry all you want. Then maybe your mommy can hold you and if that's not enough get another one of Alessandria's hugs they can do miracles on a broken heart."

  The room fell silent for a second. Rayne pulled her sleeves down and was just about to walk out of the room when Jacqueline asked, "Where is your mother now?"

  "She died two weeks before I came here."

  "And the baby?" this time it was Antonio who asked.

  "She was still-born." She forced a smile. "I know a thing or two about loss."

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Antonio reached out for Rayne, but Alessandria saved her from collapsing into Antonio's arms and crying her eyes out. After giving Jacqueline the flowers, Alessandria climbed into Rayne's arms.

  "My tummy feels funny," she whined.

  "That's my fault; I shouldn't have let you eat all that cake. Let's get you cleaned up." Rayne held the little girl in her arms and jogged away from the stares of sympathy. Rayne didn't believe in sympathy, everything bad that had happened to her she warranted it. Now she had to live with it.

  Rayne sat on Alessandria's bed holding a cold towel on the sleeping little girl's forehead trying to cool down her fever. She had done everything she could to avoid Antonio and after his third failed attempt at talking to her, she thought he had gotten the message, but then Alessandria's door opened and in walked Antonio.

  "How is she doing?"

  "A little better," Rayne said. Alessandria's room was massive but Antonio's presence made her feel like she was trapped in a matchbox.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

  "About Alessandria's fever?" She knew what he was asking, but Rayne wasn't sure she wanted to rehash the past, not for her sake, but his.

  "Come with me," he said and grabbed her arm.

  "I'd rather stay here." Rayne pulled her arm back.

  The tick in Antonio's jaw was back and a look of mild irritation appeared on his face. He didn't say another word. Instead he pulled Rayne to her feet and hauled her over his shoulder. "Make too much noise and she will wake up. Then you will have to explain to her what we are doing."

  The fear of having to explain to Alessandria the sexual tension between Antonio and her put enough fear in her to go without making a sound. He closed the door and set her down on her feet once they were in his room.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" Irritation was replaced by compassion.

  "You don't handle loss very well." Rayne sank down on the sofa. She wasn't feeling too good and thought she had caught whatever Alessandria had.

  "And you do." It wasn't a question, but a realization. "Is that why you gave up on us so easily?"

  "There wasn't an 'us' to begin with," she whispered.

  "I love you and I know you love me." Antonio sat next to her, a pitch of desperation in his voice.

  "You love Maria and I know you would give anything to have her back."

  "Wouldn't you?" But why would she want Maria back? "Wouldn't you give anything to have your father, brother, mother, and daughter back?"

  "My father and brother were killed by a drunk driver and my mother died of cancer, there wasn't much I could do there. Besides I don't blame myself for their deaths." Rayne stood up and walked away from him. The scent of his cologne was intoxicating. She needed to get away especially since a high emotional climate always seemed to end up with them having sex.

  "What about your daughter?"

  "I know what part I played in that. I drowned her in so much booze and drugs that her little body couldn't handle it, but I accepted that and I moved on." Antonio's arms wrapped around her. That was her undoing. She turned to face him, her hands resting on his chest. "No matter how much I loved my family I can't get them back. You can't get Maria back either."

  "I know," he whispered. Her body trembled in his arms. "You made me see what no one was brave enough to force me to see. If you didn't come into our lives, Alessandria would still be frightened of me and I would still be—"

  "A jerk." Rayne finished and encircled his neck with her arms. Her fingers played with the tiny hairs at the back of his head.

  "Everything that happened to you and me happened for this reason right here," Antonio said. Rayne moaned as his lips brushed lightly against hers waiting for an invitation. “I think we just owe it to fate to be together."

  Rayne tilted her head back in shock. She had known Antonio for a bit more than two months and never had he used such words like fate. "Flowery language, are you sick?"

  "No, but I think you are." Rayne hadn't noticed his arms slipping under her t-shirt. "You feel a little warm."

  "I think I got whatever bug Alessandria has." As if to confirm what she just said, they heard Alessandria call to them.

  "Mommy."

  "What did she just say?" Rayne asked, but Antonio was already running toward his daughter's cry for help.

  "Is she delusional? Oh my God, her fever must be worse than I thought." Rayne sat on the bed on Alessandria's other side and felt her forehead, her fever was back with a vengeance and now she was seeing her dead mother.

  "Mommy."

  "I think she's referring to you," Antonio said, the shock evident in his voice.

  Rayne ignored the comment. She picked Alessandria up and wrapped her in an afghan. "We need to take her to a hospital."

  It only took five minutes from when they left the room and headed out to wait for Antonio's car to be brought around, but it seemed like an eternity to Rayne. Now she was strapped in the back seat with Antonio behind the wheel. Rayne didn't know how fast he was driving, but she knew his sports car was being pushed to the limit. She tried to remain calm even when Alessandria began shivering in her arms. Rayne tried to warm her up, but she knew there was a limit to how much she could help at that point. Once they were at the entrance of the hospital she didn't wait for Antonio to turn off the ignition, she opened the door and dashed out with the
little girl in her arms. She frowned noticing how small the hospital looked, but it was the only one in the area.

  "I need help," she called out, as the nurses rushed to her. "She has a fever and she's shivering."

  "What's her name?"

  "Alessandria Burke," Antonio responded. Rayne hadn't noticed he was next to her already.

  Usually family sat in the waiting room as the doctor worked on their loved one, but she and Antonio were ushered into the same hospital room as Alessandria.

  "We should have brought her in earlier." Rayne watched them take Alessandria's temperature.

  "We didn't know." Antonio rubbed up and down her arms.

  When Rayne saw the doctor take out a needle an all-familiar itch came to her. She turned away trying to hide how at that moment she needed something to calm her nerves. Rayne was standing in the middle of a hospital, the one place apart from bars, where she could easily find her fix. She tried to bury what she was feeling and hide it from Antonio but he saw right through her.

  "Nurse, could you get her checked out? She also has a fever."

  "Come with me," the nurse said.

  "Where?" Rayne asked.

  "We are going to get you checked out." The nurse didn't wait for a response, she ushered Rayne into another hospital room.

  "But I'm totally fine."

  "When the owner of the hospital says 'get her checked out', you get checked out." She fell silent then mumbled. "After what happened to his wife, I'm not taking any chances."

  Rayne swallowed her surprise. This was where Maria died. She knew it had taken Antonio a lot to return to the scene of the tragedy. She sat down and didn't attempt to walk away; this was her way of humoring him and not getting the nurse into any trouble. When the nurse took out the needle she wanted to bolt out of the door. She needed to get away from the reminder of her past indulgence before she gave in.

  "Are you afraid of a little needle?" the nurse asked, amused.

  "Totally the opposite of that." She pushed back her sleeves for the second time that day. "I'm an addict. I mean I was an addict."

  "I'm not here to judge you, only to take your blood," the nurse said sympathetically. "We have all been down that road in some shape or form."

  Rayne looked away, but couldn't help the comforting feeling that came over her as the needle sank into her skin. Although nothing was going in, it still gave her a nostalgic feeling. When she opened her eyes she wished she could take the afternoon back. She met Antonio's eyes and his expression was sturdy and apprehensive. When did he get here? He was watching her as she almost cheered at the feeling of a needle pricking her. He didn't say a word when the nurse took her temperature and blood pressure. He just watched. One black brow arched when they were left alone. Rayne knew what that expression meant and what it was asking. She could read him like a book and apparently he could do the same for her.

  "How is Alessandria?"

  "We'll know more in a while." He made a simple exclamation that drained all the tension in his body. He moved toward Rayne and traced his fingers along the track marks on her arms. "How long have you been clean?"

  "Four years."

  "I saw the expression on your face when she pricked you."

  "I'm not using anymore." Rayne became defensive.

  "I didn't say you were, but I never see you attending meetings."

  Words of anger sat on her tongue, but the concern in Antonio's voice and the way he looked at her made her crumble. "This is a small community and I didn't want you to find out before I was ready to tell you."

  "Don't you see that you need to talk to someone?"

  "I just need to stay away from you, especially when you are drinking." She could almost taste the whiskey on his lips from the last time they made love. "That night you were drowning yourself in your sorrows—"

  "I kissed you," he gasped in shock. "I didn't—wasn't thinking."

  "You didn't know. I could taste the alcohol on your lips and your tongue and since it poured on the carpet I could smell it. I won't lie, it felt good. I thought I was going into a frenzy." She shook her head trying to shake the memory out of her head.

  "Why didn't you say something?" he scowled.

  "Because, at that moment you needed me much more than my addiction did." She watched him as he stiffened, then combed his fingers through his shaggy hair. He looked guilty. "We all have some demon we are fighting against. I'm winning my fight, and you seemed to have won yours. But it's all a process."

  "Let me guess, life is a marathon not a sprint." He chuckled.

  "I guess."

  Antonio clasped her upper arms and their mouths locked in an erotic sparring dance. The taste of him was Rayne's new addiction, but she fought against the warning bells telling her that he was just using her to forget. She desperately wanted to believe his profession of love, but she needed to be careful—for Alessandria's sake. Her body arched toward his when his hands snaked under her t-shirt and caressed her back. When she felt his desire press against her thigh, she knew it was time to break it off.

  Her attempt of withdrawing was met by a discouraging moan, and Antonio only held her tighter. His mouth started along her neck, his lips caressing the pulse point in her throat, gently brushing her exposed skin.

  "We are not going to have sex in a hospital."

  "I own the hospital." His lips slanted in a devilish grin.

  "I heard."

  "Mr. Burke—" A wide eyed nurse stared at them.

  "What is it?" Antonio's gruff voice filled the air.

  "Alessandria is awake and she's asking for her mother. I didn't know what to say to her..." her voice faltered over the obvious.

  "My daughter is referring to this lady here." Antonio pointed and Rayne noticed he was more at ease with the term.

  "I doubt that's what she meant, but I'll go to her." Rayne pulled her t-shirt down. She shot Antonio a look of awe when she realized her bra was unhooked. "You are very talented and skillful, quick too."

  "Well, you don't get to be in a position like mine without talent and skill." His smile widened into a grin that crinkled the skin around his eyes. "I could help you with that."

  "No thanks." Rayne chuckled as she hooked herself up. She stepped out of the hospital room and noticed the familiar men in black littered around the hospital. "I didn't know they were here."

  "I need to protect the people I love." He pulled her to his side. "I have no doubt that the nurse has told everyone she caught us kissing. People know that you are more than my daughter's nanny and Alessandria calling you mommy just affirmed it."

  "I doubt I need the men in black to tail me everywhere." Rayne chuckled, doubtful that anyone would want to kidnap her. What for?

  Antonio stopped her, his hands resting on her shoulders he said, "Don't go anywhere without them."

  He didn't elaborate, but pulled her into his daughter's room. Alessandria smiled and reached out for Rayne, calling her mommy once again. She exchanged a confused look with Antonio.

  "Why are you calling me mommy, sweetheart?"

  "Because you are," she said before slipping back to sleep.

  "Are you comfortable with this?" Rayne asked. She didn't think Antonio wanted another woman to usurp Maria's role in his daughter's life.

  "I am if you are." He gazed at her. "I understand if you are uncomfortable."

  Rayne's heart felt raw about being called mommy. Her hands flirted above her belly. She always felt the phantom kicks and movements. Her little girl would have been the same age as Alessandria. A strange eddy of fear and excitement rocked her, but she was afraid of what would happen to Alessandria if her relationship with Antonio didn't work out.

  It was about half an hour before a full work-up on both her and Alessandria came back. The doctor pulled Rayne aside and gave her the results, but there was nothing normal about them. What was it that my mother used to say? "Be careful what you say. The wind will carry your words and take them to someone who will make them come true."


  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Antonio watched Rayne out of the corner of his eye as they drove home. She was silent and any attempt to make her share the doctor's report fell on deaf ears. But there was nothing that happened in his domain that he didn't know about. Rayne was pregnant, two months along and he was sure the baby was his. He wanted to tell her that he knew, but he couldn't risk her thinking that he was invading her privacy. He decided to wait for her to come to him. Antonio was done forcing people to succumb to his will; although Rayne never did, but he was still willing to wait.

  "Do you want something to eat?" he asked once they were back at the house.

  "No," she whispered. "I don't think Alessandria will wake up in the middle of the night, but could you check on her if she did."

  "Sure, where are you going?" he asked, tormented by the struggle he saw in her eyes. She wanted to tell him, he could see that. But she wrestled with the decision. Who could fault her? After the way he acted with Alessandria he didn't blame her if she wanted to save herself and her child, their child. Because of that he would make sure that she didn't leave the house alone.

  "I'm going to go sleep at my place tonight."

  "Do you want me to walk you; I promise not to maul you." He lifted his hands above his head and smiled at her.

  She smiled back. "I might just want you to, but I need some room to think, especially with Alessandria calling me mommy."

  "Are you shocked? I'm not." He had wanted to make Rayne Alessandria's mother and his wife for the longest time. But Rayne's rule for him to keep his emotions to himself had stopped him...but now he had a window.

  "It's just settling in. Are you sure it doesn't bother you?" she asked, doubt evident in her eyes.

  "I don't mind. Don't you want any kids?" He was fishing, but maybe she would bite.

  "Yes, I feel like I am getting a second chance at motherhood."

  Antonio didn't know if she was referring to Alessandria or their new baby, but he hoped it was both.

  ***

  Rayne stared at the woman looking back at her in the mirror. She didn’t know what she was going to do, with Alessandria, Antonio or the new arrival. They had been so lost in each other’s arms that no one thought about protection. But what was she supposed to do now?