My Future Ex-Girlfriend

by Jake Gerhardt

  I would change my appearance and be a bit more physically imposing. More like my good friends Knuckles and Moose, I suppose.

  I would change my name.

  I would change my personality, just a bit, and be a little less—just a little bit less, mind you—critical of my peers and adults.

  I think if I was a little less critical of my peers and adults, dinner with the Dolans would have gone a bit better. I was not on my best behavior on Sunday. Perhaps I was simply nervous. After all, it was the first time I was meeting Sharon’s parents. Or maybe I’m simply wound a little too tight. Who could blame me after the years of negligence and downright poor parenting from Neal and Cassandra?

  At any rate, Sharon is correct in her claim that I may have been a tad rude.

  I shouldn’t have corrected her mother for using “lie” when she should have said “lay.”

  And I shouldn’t have corrected her sister’s boyfriend for saying “less” when he should have said “fewer.”

  I will, however, stand by my telling Maureen’s boyfriend that it is bloody bad form to belch at the dinner table.

  Still, I should make these changes because, as Sharon so perfectly pointed out, not everyone is like me. And not everyone is interested in using proper grammar every moment of the day. Sharon certainly knows how to use “lay” and “lie” properly, yet at the same time she very much enjoys her family patois.

  I’m actually looking forward to loosening up a little bit. It will certainly help my writing, especially my plays and screenplays. Capturing the language of the common man is essential for capturing the verisimilitude (to save you some time, Mr. Minkin, “verisimilitude” means truth) of life that is essential in all great works of literature.

  And now that I think about it, perhaps the ability to partake in some friendly conversation will help when I interview with the admissions officers at Princeton and Harvard.

  Sam Dolan

  April 21st 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you could change yourself in three ways, what would they be? How would these changes affect your past, your present, and your future? Explain.

  Hey Mr. Minkin,

  Great question! I don’t know if I can think of three things to change about myself, but I would definitely change one.

  If I could I would procrastinate much less. I swear I’ve been going home right after school every day to work on my portion of NYC Nites. But you’ll never believe what’s been happening. I get nothing, absolutely nothing, done. And boy does the time ever fly. The fastest two hours in history are those two hours that I sit at my desk to make a list of people I should try to book for the talent show. Before I know it it’s time for dinner and I have a whole lot of nothing.

  Like yesterday I got home and I had an idea for a skit about what happened last year on the seventh-grade class trip at the zoo. I’m sure you heard a version of what happened, but this is the truth:

  If you remember, every kid in the Philadelphia area was at the zoo that day. And when me and Foxxy were checking out the monkeys, some kids climbed up on the fence. That caused an alarm to go off and Foxxy started running. Of course I started running with Foxxy because when you see somebody running and he’s your best friend, you just run along with him. Next thing you know there’s a bunch of security guards chasing us through the zoo and Foxxy kept on going so I kept on going too.

  I thought they had those tranquilizer guns in case an animal gets out.

  Of course, when they got us to the security office, that’s when they looked at the surveillance and saw that it wasn’t me and it wasn’t Foxxy. But it didn’t matter at that point. Me and Foxxy were out cold from the tranquilizers.

  But geez, how do you write something like that and make it funny?

  And, oh yeah, it would also be nice if I didn’t have to go to the bathroom after every meal. That really ruined dinner at Erica’s house. I’d like to make that little change too.

  Chollie Muller

  April 21, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you could change yourself in three ways, what would they be? How would these changes affect your past, your present, and your future? Explain.

  Dear Mr. Minkin,

  You probably get a lot of really good answers to this question. But I have to tell you, my brother Billy wouldn’t like it at all. My mom is always trying to get him to change. Mostly things like waking up earlier in the morning and cleaning up after himself. He also gets a lot of parking tickets, doesn’t really have a place to live, and works as a pizza delivery guy.

  Billy always argues that we shouldn’t change. And he’s a real good arguer. He’ll say if he makes all these big changes he won’t be Billy anymore but some stranger who cleans up after himself and wakes up early and doesn’t get parking tickets. And then Billy turns it all around on my mom and makes my mom feel bad.

  Okay, I know it looks like I’ve been stalling to answer the question. I guess it’s because I’m not sure if Billy’s right about not changing. Sometimes I wonder if Miranda wants me to be more like her ex-boyfriend, this guy named Tom Nelson who goes to another school. She brings him up a lot and sometimes it makes me feel crummy.

  At least Miranda’s dad is awesome. I bet he wouldn’t want me to change.

  Miranda Mullaly

  April 21, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you could change yourself in three ways, what would they be? How would these changes affect your past, your present, and your future? Explain.

  When I’m with Charlie I often think I should change myself and try to be more relaxed. Charlie has such a wonderful way of seeing the world. He’s always optimistic and believes with certainty that things will work out at the end.

  Isn’t that wonderful? I hope he never changes.

  I, on the other hand, tend to look at the glass as half empty. And often I analyze a simple problem to the point where my solutions need solutions. But since I’ve begun to simplify my thinking, I’ve actually seen changes.

  Here’s a perfect example. Last year, last month in fact, if I had been told we weren’t going to have a class trip I would’ve spent more time and energy making complaints to the school board, the principal, and the PTA. And guess what? It wouldn’t have made a difference.

  But now that Charlie is in my life and now that I’m viewing the world with a glass-half-full outlook, when we were told we wouldn’t have a class trip I simply suggested an alternative. If we can’t go to New York, we’ll bring New York to us. Glass half full!

  Erica Dickerson

  April 21, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you could change yourself in three ways, what would they be? How would these changes affect your past, your present, and your future? Explain.

  This is a really odd question to ask teenagers, Mr. Minkin. Don’t you know us well enough to know that we’re always thinking about making changes to ourselves? I bet if you asked every girl with brown hair what color she’d like her hair to be, she would say blonde. And every blue-eyed girl would say she wants brown eyes.

  But, since you asked the question, here’s my answer:

  I really would change the way I look so I could be as pretty as Rosie or Jane. Yes, I’d like to have Rosie’s blonde hair or Jane’s curly hair, anything but my straight brown hair. So there are two changes, right there.

  And these changes would definitely have an effect on me. I’d be irresistible, like Jane and Rosie. I wouldn’t be Erica, the girl next door that all the guys treat like their funny friend. Maybe then Sam would really notice me and want to be with me (you know, hold my hand or kiss me) instead of just hang with me. There is a
difference.

  9

  The Best Laid Plans

  SAM

  I’M NOT LYING when I say I’ve been waiting to see Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers since I first saw the trailer last year. This was before Foxxy and Holly Culver started going out and Foxxy and I went to watch a movie and we saw the trailer for this one. I don’t want to sound like I’m crazy or anything, but if a movie preview can change your life, this one can. Foxxy and I laughed so hard during the two-minute trailer we were practically on the floor. And now there are thirty-second commercials for it on TV and they crack me up every time.

  What is really awesome is that I just know Erica is going to love it. It’s totally her type of humor. Really solid jokes and good physical comedy. And even though Rotten Tomatoes isn’t giving it a good score, I’m certain we’re going to love it.

  But the crazy thing is, even though I know she’s going to love it, I’m nervous about asking her. Isn’t that weird? Things are just a touch off since I had dinner at her house. I’m not sure if it’s because I grossed her out or if her dad said something. I just don’t know.

  So on Monday I really want to ask her out. But of course I’m hardly ever alone with her and when we are I get too nervous to ask her.

  I have no choice but to ask Foxxy about it. I guess that’s the only upside of his new friendship with Erica.

  “Is Erica mad at me?” I ask.

  “Nope,” he says. “Everything’s okey dokey.”

  Crap. That’s the last thing I want to hear. Foxxy says things like “okey dokey” before he fails a test. And he said things were “okey dokey” with Holly Culver while Holly Culver was saying she never wanted to see him again.

  Since Erica is so busy at school, and since Foxxy is always with us, I have to ask her to the movie by calling her. If I had a cell phone like a normal kid, I could text her, but God forbid my mother return it, even though I haven’t been in trouble all year.

  Here’s the conversation when I ask my mother for my cell phone back:

  Me: Hey, Mom, can I get my cell phone back?

  Mom: No.

  Me: But I haven’t been in trouble since you took it away.

  Mom: No.

  Me: It’s not fair.

  Mom: No.

  Me: What if there’s an emergency?

  Mom: No.

  Me: What’s for dinner?

  Mom: No.

  So that’s my life. I feel just like one of the dork kids from The Goldbergs when I finally call Erica after dinner. We don’t even have a cordless phone, so I have to drag the stupid thing from the hall into my room.

  I sit on the floor, and I have an index card with some stuff I want to say.

  Okay, not hard, right? I take a deep breath.

  “Hello, Erica,” I say when the phone is picked up.

  “Is this Dolan?” It’s Mr. Dickerson.

  As soon as he says “Dolan,” I hear the dogs growling. What’s with those beasts?

  “Yeah,” I say. “I mean, yes, sir. I thought this was Erica’s phone.”

  “It is,” he says. “What do you want?”

  “I’d like to speak to Erica, if she’s not busy.”

  “Just a minute.”

  It sounds like the phone drops.

  “Hello.”

  “Oh, Erica, thank God it’s you. How are you?”

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  “No reason. Just being polite. Small talk, you know.”

  “Okay . . .” she says.

  “Listen, Erica,” I say, jumping right in. “Do you want to see Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers with me Saturday night?”

  “Sure,” she says. “Sounds like fun.”

  “Oh, it’s going to be awesome. I mean, the trailer is just about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Have you seen the commercials?”

  “Is that the one about the guy who wants to play girls’ basketball?”

  “Exactly,” I say. “That’s the one. It’s supposed to be hilarious.”

  “Uh-huh,” she says, and I can tell she’s not convinced it’s going to be funny. “Why does he want to play girls’ basketball?”

  “I guess we’ll find out,” I say.

  Then there is an awkward pause.

  “Are you still there?” Erica asks.

  “Oh, yeah, okay, so we’re on, you and me, for Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers this weekend.”

  “Great,” says Erica. “And I’ll see if Miranda and Chollie would like to join us.”

  “Oh, sure,” I say. There’s another pause. “So I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

  “You sure will.”

  I look down at my index cards. “So,” I say, “what did you have for dinner tonight?” Agh, what a stupid question. Then I hear her phone click.

  “What?”

  “Oh, nothing,” I say.

  “That’s Foxxy, Sam,” she says. “I gotta go.”

  “Oh.”

  DUKE

  The French auteurs21 are among my favorites artists. They know how to make a film. They know how to move a camera, how to tell a story, how to meld music perfectly with a scene. One of my favorites is Les Parapluies de Cherbourg,22 so when I read a review comparing Jean des Garrenes’s debut film, La Saison des Jonquilles, to Jacques Demy’s classic, I looked immediately for when it was premiering in Penn Valley, if it was to play here at all.

  So you can imagine how I felt when I read in the Sunday paper that it would indeed be playing in my hometown. I immediately resolved to take Sharon to the film this weekend. I doubt it will be playing past that, for the brain-dead denizens of Penn Valley are not known to support the arts.

  Over Sunday dinner, as Neal and Cassandra droned on about troubles in the Middle East, I thought of the weekend to come. It struck me over dessert that it might be fun to build a little suspense before I asked her. So after dinner I devised a plan that would be both intriguing and mysterious. Sharon would have a blast trying to figure out what was to be.

  After our tea I sat and began to work on how to make the night special. La Saison des Jonquilles translates to The Season of the Daffodils. So of course I should start off with a note quoting a famous poem about daffodils. And where better to begin than with William Wordsworth.

  Sharon,

  “For oft, when on my couch I lie

  In vacant or in pensive mood,

  They flash upon that inward eye

  Which is the bliss of solitude;

  And then my heart with pleasure fills

  And dances with the daffodils.”

  William Wordsworth

  Looking forward to the weekend!!

  DVS

  After I wrote the above, I felt satisfied. And though I didn’t know exactly what was next, I was confident I would come up with something. After all, I spent most of the time deciding on how many exclamation points to use. Wordsworth just popped into my head.

  But the best laid plans often go awry, and Sharon, who would come across the note in the morning, was rather confused by the missive. We spoke about it after school.

  “I don’t understand the note,” she said.

  “It’s the final stanza of William Wordsworth’s ‘I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud,’” I informed her.

  “Yes, I can see that. But I don’t understand what it has to do with the weekend,” she said.

  I panicked. I thought maybe she might have plans for the weekend. And no doubt that snake in the grass Ralph Waldo was up to no good. So I scrapped my plans for a pseudo courtship for the movie and came right out and asked her.

  “The note was just my way of asking you to see La Saison des Jonquilles with me this weekend.”

  “What is La Saison whatever-it’s-called?”

  I fought off the urge to cr
inge. “La Saison des Jonquilles is a debut film from a promising French director. It won accolades at the Toronto Film Festival.”

  “But Toronto is in Canada,” she said. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to be funny. Although Sharon is a tremendous dramatic actor, she is lacking, for the present, the necessary skills in the field of humor.

  “And besides,” she added, “I was hoping to see Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers. I’m sure it hasn’t won any prizes, but it looks pretty funny.”

  “La Saison des Jonquilles might not play past this weekend,” I said.

  “In that case,” Sharon said, “we’d better run off and see it immediately.”

  I laughed and we went our separate ways. I was a bit disappointed my lavish plan did not come to full fruition. But, guess what? It worked. La Saison des Jonquilles, here we come!

  CHOLLIE

  “I don’t like it,” Billy says when I tell him about the plan for Saturday night.

  “Why not?” I ask him.

  Billy scratches his chin. “I can’t help but wonder why she wants to go on a double date. I mean, it’s like hanging out in a group. You’re all just buddies and it gets all mixed up. Before you know it, your lady is sitting and chatting with her friend and you’re sitting beside the other dude, holding hands and sharing popcorn, while Miranda is sharing Milk Duds with her best pal. Next thing you know, she’s thinking, ‘Who needs Chollie Muller?’”

  This hits me right in the gut. It knocks the wind out of me.

  When Miranda asked me to go to the movies with her and Erica and Sam, I felt great. It’s perfect, I thought, double-dating at the movies. I don’t want to sound corny, but it just seemed really grown-up and mature and super fun. It sort of seemed like the thing Billy would do, if he had a girlfriend.

  But now Billy’s got me worried about it. Now I’m wishing I was going over to Miranda’s house and chilling and watching basketball with her dad instead of going to the movies.

  “What am I going to do now, Billy?”

  “Fortunately, there are a couple of things we can do to solve the problem. When you get to the theater, suggest you two, just you and Miranda, go to another movie. What’s the plan now?”