My Future Ex-Girlfriend

by Jake Gerhardt

  I have it all written down in my notebook.

  “We’re going to see Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers at seven.”

  “Where?”

  “The AMC at the mall.”

  “Okay,” Billy says. “Let’s see what else we have going on at that AMC.”

  Billy looks on his phone and reads the theater schedule.

  “Oh, here it is. Perfect.” Billy looks at me with a big smile.

  “What is it?”

  “Check this out,” Billy says. “La Saison des Jonquilles at seven fifty-five. The unforgettable story of two best friends growing up in southern France during the turbulent sixties. It’s even in French with English subtitles.”

  “Do you think she’ll like the movie?”

  “Film,” Billy says. “Film. Klipspringer is a movie. But La Saison des Jonquilles is a film. And of course she’ll like it. If Miranda is the girl I think she is, she’ll fall in love all over again.”

  “Perfect. What a plan! Thanks, Billy.”

  “One more thing,” Billy says as I’m walking out the door. “Try to stay awake. Films tend to be more boring than movies.”

  10

  Date Night

  CHOLLIE

  SAM AND I GET to the movie theater at the same time Miranda and Erica get there. Miranda really looks terrific. She’s wearing a purple sweater and faded jeans and brown shoes, and her hair is pulled back, so you can see her entire beautiful face. She looks so pretty I could just stare at her for the next two hours instead of going to the movie, but of course it’s rude to stare. And it’s also really difficult to think of things to say, which is the hardest part of a relationship. Even Billy thinks it’s the most difficult part. But the good thing about seeing a movie is that you can talk about that after you see it.

  “Hi, Miranda,” I say.

  “Hello, Charlie,” she says.

  I wave Miranda a little closer to me and away from Erica and Sam and whisper, “I was thinking maybe you’d like to see La Saison des Jonquilles. Should I get two tickets for that?”

  “But we said we’d see Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers with Erica and Sam,” Miranda says.

  “I know, but I have a good feeling about La Saison des Jonquilles.” (Billy helped me practice saying this like a real French dude.) “It’s the story of three friends growing up in the south of France during the turbulent sixties. And also,” I add, “it’s got French people speaking in French.”

  “Charlie, what’s the big deal about people speaking French?” she asks.

  “Don’t you want to see a revelation in filmmaking?”

  I point to the movie poster. It sure makes France look like a beautiful country.

  And then I see the poster of Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers. It’s got a picture of a guy in a basketball uniform and a sweatband holding a basketball, and his teammates, the Lady Trailblazers (who are all girls), are behind him. It actually seems kind of funny.

  I really don’t know what to say about Klipspringer, but when I look at Miranda, she’s smiling at the picture and so am I. It’s a no-brainer. And I’m sure when I tell Billy, he’ll understand. His rule is “the lady is always right.”

  That smile of Miranda’s just does something for me. It makes me so happy. So when Miranda sees Duke and Sharon, I don’t even mind that she invites them to watch the movie with us.

  And when we all sit down and I find myself next to the aisle, I don’t care. When I look over at Miranda, she grins and I know she is having a good time.

  Even when I burn myself on the pizza afterward, even though it hurts so much I almost cry, it’s okay because Miranda gets some ice and helps with the burn.

  The cherry on top is Mr. Mullaly offering to give me a ride home. He catches me up on all the basketball play-offs scores and says he is going to cut out of work early to see one of my baseball games.

  What a night. Even Billy thinks it was a home run.

  DUKE

  Much to my chagrin, Neal and Cassandra were very excited to give Sharon and me a ride to the movie theater. Penn Valley is a typical soulless suburb, and that means we have inadequate public transportation. Therefore, I was at the mercy of my parents, though I made them swear they wouldn’t talk.

  Neal and Cassandra introduced themselves to Sharon and her parents, who were quite obviously thrilled to see their youngest daughter on a date with a chap like me.

  Once we were all in the car, I immediately steered the conversation to Sharon and me. I didn’t want Sharon to find out, at least so soon, how weird my parents are.

  “That’s a lovely dress,” I said. “It practically matches my bow tie.”

  “Thank you,” Sharon replied.

  “Did you have a nice day at school?” I asked.

  “It was okay. And you?”

  “Rather tedious, I’m afraid. Most of the subject matter covered in class I have already mastered. I’m sure you feel the same way.”

  “Well, actually, I really enjoyed the conversation in English class. We had quite a discussion of The Giver. Mrs. Mikulski positively loves the book and her energy is infectious. The whole class was involved. She’s a great teacher.”

  I scoffed. “I had Mrs. Mikulski last year. I would say she’s an average teacher at best. She barely challenged us. And The Giver,” I added, shaking my head sadly, “is hardly great literature.”

  Sharon was silent, most certainly contemplating whether or not Mrs. Mikulski was a good teacher. We drove the rest of the way without speaking until we pulled into the parking lot.

  “Ah, La Saison des Jonquilles, here we come,” I said with great aplomb.

  And then I don’t know what happened. We ran into Miranda Mullaly and Erica Dickerson, and they started talking to Sharon. The three have become rather chummy, working together on NYC Nights. The next thing I knew, I was buying tickets for Joe Klipspringer and the Lady Trailblazers.

  In the theater I found myself stuck between Sam Dolan and Chollie Muller, both munching so loudly on the popcorn that for a minute I thought it was part of the film, or more accurately, movie. Sharon was trapped between Miranda and Erica, and when I looked over toward her, she put on a brave face, smiling and waving to me. But of course she was heartbroken, so far away from me.

  Without earplugs to block out the sound of Sam laughing and Chollie chewing, I had no choice but to try to make some sense of the movie. From what I could make out, it seemed as if the protagonist, a ne’er-do-well named, you guessed it, Joe Klipspringer, sues his college, the fictional (one hopes!) Eastern Pennsylvania University (I weep for our poor Commonwealth23) to play on the women’s basketball team. The university decides to allow the young man to play, figuring they would lose the lawsuit and they’ll be able to make Klipspringer academically ineligible. Hilarity ensues, but someone forgot to tell the actors, the director, and the writer(s). The jokes are stale and predictable and there is hardly anything funny about disrupting the proceedings of a university. What kind of a person writes this tripe?

  The only saving grace of the movie is that it came to an end quickly. I looked over at Sharon and she was actually clapping and smiling as the credits rolled and they showed outtakes.

  “Okay, let’s go,” I said to Chollie, who was blocking our exit to the aisle.

  “Hang on, Duke. I heard these outtakes are brilliant,” Sam said.

  So I had to watch three minutes of Klipspringer missing layups, falling down stairs, riding through a campus on a bicycle resembling a candy cane, and generally disgracing higher education.

  “Oh, wow, look at that, Eric Heimberger was the key grip,” I said sarcastically. “I didn’t know Coventry Catering took care of food services. And Robin Lencheski was the scouting director. She did a great job.”

  “If you didn’t like the movie, Duke,” Sam said, “then something i
s wrong with you. That’s the best movie you’ll see all year.”

  I argued for coffee after we left the theater, but Chollie and Sam had their hearts set on pizza. Sharon, who in all fairness was probably excited to be out not only with me but also Erica and Miranda, wanted to join them for pizza. After all, it’s only natural for a seventh-grader to look up to the eighth-graders. So my pleas to go to the coffee shop fell on deaf ears, and we took a large table at Lorenzo’s.

  Chollie and Sam ordered two pizzas, and I directed the conversation to the film, I mean movie. Though there was little to actually discuss, I thought it was at least of some interest that a man would play women’s basketball. In fact, perhaps the only redeeming quality of the movie is that the women on the basketball team were serious about their academic endeavors.

  “So,” I said. “What did we think about the movie?”

  “I loved it,” Sam said eagerly. “I thought it was the best ever.”

  “Yes, I’m sure you did,” I replied. “I found it profound that the protagonist couldn’t pay his tuition without getting that scholarship. It also gave a very realistic, and sad, portrayal of how a person, no matter how stupid, how daft, how incorrigible, can still get his or her five minutes of fame. As a society, we seem to be drawn to people like this character Klipspringer, who is really nothing more than an idiot. The epitome of someone taking up space at college.”

  I looked at Miranda, who seemed dumbfounded. I can’t believe I once had a crush on her.

  Erica, well, she’s going out with Sam Dolan. What else is there to say?

  Chollie was watching the kitchen make the pizzas and probably didn’t hear what I said.

  Sam was fidgeting, looking like he needed to use the bathroom.

  Then I looked to Sharon. It was obvious she had absorbed and contemplated what I said. She took a deep breath and jumped in.

  “I don’t think it really needs that type of analysis. It was fun. It was harmless. We laughed and had a good time. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

  I quickly changed the subject.

  “So,” I said, “what’s your favorite Sherlock Holmes story?”

  Sharon looked at me oddly. “I’ve never read a Sherlock Holmes story.”

  “But remember when you quoted Sherlock Holmes? You said you see and you observe.”

  Sharon laughed. “I thought I was quoting you because you were always saying it during rehearsals.”

  I was too shocked to reply. Fortunately, the pizzas arrived and the conversation turned to the burn Chollie sustained from the cheese.

  SAM

  I’ve never been on a double date before, so this is all really new and it’s like I’m seeing the movie theater for the first time. It sounds crazy, but I’ve never noticed how clean the theater is, or how much it smells like buttered popcorn. Or even how the workers have real uniforms. But I notice tonight because we’re on a date, a real, serious date. The guy who takes our tickets actually calls me “sir.”

  I must be growing up or something because even when Sharon and Duke (can you believe those two are still going out?) decide to watch Klipspringer with us, I don’t care. I’m just not going to let anything get in the way of a terrific night with Erica.

  We choose our seats and I jump over Chollie and Duke so I can sit next to Erica. As soon as the movie starts, we (Erica and me) laugh from the beginning to the end. It might be the best movie ever made, I mean, it’s that good. I’m even thinking of going to college, that’s how much the movie may have changed my life.

  I’m still laughing when they’re showing the outtakes. I mean, I just can’t take my eyes off it. Everyone’s talking about what to do after, which makes me happy because now that the movie is over, I’m happy to get rid of Sharon and Duke. You can’t be very romantic with your little sister tagging along.

  I’m still smiling when the lights come back on. “Why don’t we all go out for pizza?” Erica says.

  Then Sharon says, “That’s a great idea.”

  We all get up to go, and guess who we run into in the lobby? Foxxy. By himself. Who goes to the movies alone? I want to ask.

  Before I know what’s happening, Foxxy and Sharon and Duke decide to join us for pizza. All I want to do is hold Erica’s hand and just be alone and this is what happens. So there I am sitting at a table for five with seven squeezed in. It’s no surprise I spill soda and pizza on myself. It’s the only nice shirt I own, and now it’s going to have stains on it like all my other clothes.

  Everyone at the table is suddenly an expert on getting out stains. Foxxy jumps up to join me in the bathroom, but I glare at him and tell him to sit down.

  As I’m washing out my shirt, I hear the toilet flush and who of all people comes out but Mr. Lichtensteiner. Of all the pizza joints in all the malls in all the world, why does he have to choose Lorenzo’s?

  “Hey, Dolan,” he says.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask. And I really mean it, especially since he’s always asking me what I’m doing when we’re in school.

  “Dinner and a movie with Mrs. Lichtensteiner,” he says as he washes his hands. “We saw some French movie, though I wanted to see Klipspringer.”

  Lichtensteiner looks at my shirt.

  “Did you get any pizza in your mouth, Dolan?”

  Lichtensteiner leaves, and my shirt is soaking wet. I wait for a second, figuring Lutz has got to be coming next because that’s what kind of night it is, but he doesn’t, so I return to the table.

  Now I realize I have a clear view of Lichtensteiner, who is eating like a total pig but doesn’t get any food on his shirt. And Foxxy doesn’t either, for once. Life sure is unfair sometimes.

  When we finish up our pizza, all the couples go their separate ways. In case you’re wondering, Foxxy stays with Erica and me. We (the three of us) wait for Mr. Dickerson to pick her up. Erica offers to give me and Foxxy a ride home.

  “No,” I say, “we’ll walk.”

  I wave good-bye to Erica when she gets in the car.

  “Blow her a kiss,” Foxxy says.

  “What?”

  “Blow her a kiss,” he says again. “What kind of boyfriend are you anyway?”

  I’m thinking of telling Foxxy I’m the kind of boyfriend who never gets a moment alone with his girlfriend, but I don’t.

  “Go on. Now!” Foxxy urges me.

  So I blow Erica a kiss.

  The only problem is that Erica turns away at that exact moment. The exact moment, by the way, that Mr. Dickerson looks at me.

  ERICA

  To: Miranda

  From: Erica

  Date: April 30, 2016 10:22 PM

  Subject: What just happened?

  M,

  Well that was interesting, right?! See what I mean about Sam acting weird? Did you notice that he wouldn’t even hold my hand? I really don’t know if it’s working out with him . . .

  At least the movie was hilarious. Doesn’t college seem like fun?

  I’m glad Sharon and Foxxy could join us. They almost distracted me from how bad this date went. What Sharon sees in Duke, though, I’ll never know.

  Up for the mall tomorrow?

  E

  MIRANDA

  To: Erica

  From: Miranda

  Date: April 30, 2016 10:27 PM

  Subject: What just happened?

  E,

  Sam, weird? Sorry I didn’t notice because Charlie didn’t seem like himself. I’m not sure why he wanted to go see the French movie. Now that was weird. Why didn’t he sit next to me?

  And did you ever see anyone burn himself with pizza? Do you think he orders meat lovers pizza on purpose? For all the bad things about Tom, at least he always made an effort to respect my choices.

  Anyway, isn’t Sharon nice? I don’t know what she sees in Duke but my grandmother says there’s a lid for every pot.
From what she told me when Duke wasn’t hovering, though, she isn’t so sure Duke is her lid. She said she used to find his personality a fun challenge, but now it’s just exhausting. Can you blame her?

  Mall tomorrow for sure.

  M

  11

  Under Pressure

  SAM

  THE MOVIE DATE didn’t work out like I wanted. But when we’re in school, Erica always has a smile on her face (although she laughs at too many of Foxxy’s jokes) and she is really looking forward to NYC Nites.

  Even with all that, I feel we’re drifting apart, though. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see things aren’t going the way they should with Erica. If I could go back in time, I would not have suggested to Foxxy to join the art committee. But how was I to know Erica would start working with them, too?

  Anyway, today I figure it’s time to get Foxxy back with Holly Culver. After running into Holly, it’s obvious she’s not taking Foxxy back. She and Curt Goodwin are quite the couple these days.

  So I’m desperate, just absolutely desperate, to get some advice and figure out a way to make things just a little bit smoother with Erica. But the only people I know who are in real relationships are Maureen and my parents.

  I hate to do it, but I think I have little choice.

  After school I spy on Maureen and Lutz. There’s little to report:

  Maureen: What do you want to watch?

  Lutz: (grunts)

  Maureen: Oh, this is supposed to be good.

  Lutz: What is it?

  Maureen: It’s the movie with Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams and that guy who’s in every movie. You know him.

  Lutz: Robert Downey Jr.?