My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “Oh, no you won’t.”

  “I may even win custody when they find out how you’ve been neglecting them for your twice-a-week outings.”

  “No, you won’t. Ya see, the court will let me keep them. After all, what’s an adulterous affair compared to a pedophile? They wouldn’t let you within a mile of those kids. You can’t be trusted now.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Maddie’s only sixteen.”

  “She’s seventeen.”

  “If she is, it’s just barely. But sixteen or seventeen doesn’t really make a difference in Pennsylvania. According to law, she’s still a child, and, from the looks of you, you did quite a bit of molesting. That would be considered an acute fondness for children—pedophilia.”

  “You can’t do this,” he said breathlessly. He was listening to her plans to destroy his life.

  “I can and I will. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. Actually, you can say I’ll get you one way or the other. It’ll be rather amusing watching you squirm either way. So, take your pick, Joe. Maddie—or Felicia and Oliver. Why so white, Joe? Don’t worry, I’ll let you go someday. My life hasn’t been heaven since you got me pregnant almost three years ago. When you’ve suffered as much as I have, you can go to your beloved Maddie.”

  Joe turned again, heading for the living room. He might have to remain married to her—but that didn’t mean he’d have to sleep in the same bed as her.

  “Don’t forget, Joe. That means no more weekend rendevous. One telephone call or letter even, and no more kids. So if you want your kids—stay away from that Baker bitch!”

  “Fine!” He yelled back.

  The rotten slut might think she had the upper hand now, but Joe was already making plans. Maddie would turn eighteen in less than eleven months. She would be legal, and he would go to her then. By that time Lena wouldn’t be able to prove they had been together this weekend. Maddie would be almost through her senior year, so it would be best for her also. The more he thought about it, the more he realized the only logical thing to do would be to let Lena think she had won; then, in eleven months, he could see a lawyer and start the divorce. In the meantime, he’d need proof she was still having an affair.

  CHAPTER X

  JUNE 1984

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  July 1984

  Maddie missed Lew’s birthday party; a last minute call from the store saw to that. She was alone in the store with the head clerk, a handsome young man named Rodney. His charisma helped attract attention to RJ’s, but word of its handmade goods and their excellent quality spread quickly. He was a valued employee, making large sales to some of the more frivolous female customers by flashing his charm. Maddie was just as eager to wait on the less prosperous customers (who would come in to browse and get ideas, then buy the supplies from her to make the items themselves) as she was the wealthier ones who thought nothing of spending a small fortune on a hand-sewn quilt or a hand-knit sweater. As a matter of fact, she probably spent more time with the less privileged. Her own past had left her with a respect for people who could fend for themselves.

  “Ten minutes after nine, Maddie.” Rodney entered her office with his jacket over his arm. “I closed up the front.”

  “Is it? I didn’t notice.” She looked at him over her glasses. He was a fantastic-looking man. She smiled when she remembered how lanky he had been in high school.

  “Come on, now. I thought you had a birthday party to go to.” Rodney closed her book and turned off the lamp.

  “I should, but I’m tired. I think I’ll go pick up the boys, then head home.” She followed him to the back door, putting a vinyl envelope and the book under her arm as she locked the door.

  “Over on the hill, isn’t it?” He opened the car door for her and looked at her long legs, running his hand up the silk that covered them, then laughing when he noticed her raised brow. “Sorry, couldn’t resist it. Love the feel of silk.”

  “Rod, you know you’re the only man that gets away with such things.”

  “Maddie, you have beautiful legs. I’ll tell anyone that.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “I asked if it was over on the hill. The guy with all those sons.”

  “Yes. It is.”

  “That one, he comes in here a lot. Who’s he?”

  “Wayne. I know he’s very handsome—but he’s also very straight. He can be a great friend. I’m warning you to keep it at that. Okay? Wayne is a no-no.”

  “Ah, life in a small city can be such a trial,” Rodney sighed, then reached into the window and gave her a friendly kiss on the lips. “I actually thought about falling in love with that one.”

  “Well, to save yourself a broken heart—don’t. He’s very attracted to females.”

  “Advice taken. I’ll see you Monday morning then.” He went to his own car and prepared to follow her to the bank.

  It had become customary for him to follow her and watch as she deposited the envelope in the night slot at the bank. He insisted on making sure she was safe. Maddie waved to him that all was well, then slid back into her car. As she closed the door, she saw a man partially hidden from her view. His hands were on a blonde beauty’s waist, pulling her against him. She wasn’t positive but it looked like Joe and her anger flared. Well, she shouldn’t be surprised. She understood he preferred blondes, but the pain was as sharp as it had been eight years ago.

  APRIL 1976

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  June 1976

  Bob Green had taken Maddie to the doctor’s office, asking no questions, and she offered no explanations. Two days later, he allowed her to stay at his house while she waited for the telephone call. He busied himself in the adjoining room when she talked to the doctor’s office, not intruding on her privacy. Finally she hung up. Her feelings were conflicted. Exuberant joy and pride; she was going to have a baby—Joe’s baby. And painful disappointment; he hadn’t come back home in two months—or even called.

  “Bob. I’m done. Can I talk to you?”

  “Sure. Maybe you can tell me what’s on your mind now.” He moved into the room and sat next to her. “I think I know though, so don’t have any hesitations about telling me.”

  “You think you know.” She eyed him suspiciously.

  “The secrecy with the doctor. The secrecy with the telephone call. I’m not stupid.”

  “Now the question is—what am I going to do? I’m two months pregnant.” She didn’t understand the flash of pain that crossed his face, but she noticed that he quickly masked it. He recovered the handsome features that attracted women of a wide range of ages, although she had never seen him go out with any of them. If he did, he was very discreet about it.

  “Joe?” asked Bob.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “I—don’t know. I don’t have the right to keep it fro
m him. But—Bob, I’m not sure how he’s going to take it. He hasn’t called or anything since he was here two months ago.”

  “He’s married, Maddie,” Bob said simply.

  “I know.” She looked down at her hands.

  “He never made any promises to you, did he?”

  “No. He never came right out and said he would never leave Lena.”

  “No, of course not. He wouldn’t,” Bob said quietly, a bit sarcastically. “Not if he were in his right mind, not when he was . . . . Maddie, dammit, I’m not sure about him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s just that, before he got married, he didn’t make a secret of his constant companions. He liked his variety in women. I just wish I didn’t have the suspicion you’re just that—a variety in his women.”

  “No.” She walked away from him, keeping her eyes on him even as they filled with tears. “No. He wouldn’t do that. I told him I loved him.”

  “Oh, Maddie,” Bob sighed as he stood up and walked over to her. “Did he tell you that he loved you?” Her mind raced back to that weekend, as a matter of fact, he hadn’t. “Maddie, Joe isn’t a cruel man. He probably does care . . . .”

  “But not enough. Is that what you were going to say?”

  “Well stop and think! Remember how it was. He dated Lena in high school, then dropped her. I don’t doubt for someone else. Then when he came back from Nam he started dating her again but got tired of her and started going out with a different girl each week. And I’m positive it wasn’t just a visit to the movies. Lena’s the only one that held his interest for longer than a one-night stand, or for a weekend.”

  “Are you saying he’ll go back to Lena every time?” Her tears were falling freely though she made no sound.

  “It looks that way,” he said quietly, then smiled up at her, attempting cheerfulness. “Listen, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll be ecstatic at the news—I know I would be if you were having my baby. Why don’t ya call him up and tell him?”

  “Right now?” She wiped at her eyes.

  “Sure. He should be home from work by now. Go ahead, I’ve got his number in the book. I’ll go upstairs and get my uniform ready for work tomorrow. Go ahead, everything will turn out all right. You’ll see.” He hastily got up and left the first floor of the half-double he rented shortly after his eighteenth birthday, when the orphanage had closed.

  “Hello.” Lena’s voice came across the line, making Maddie almost hang up with fright.

  “H-hello, Lena?”

  “Yes. Who’s this?”

  “Maddie Baker. Is Joe there?” Her discomfort was overwhelming. God, she didn’t feel right doing this to another woman.

  “Maddie? Joe?” There was a pause on the line. “No, Joe’s not here. He rarely is anymore. Usually it’s during the weekends that he’s gone. He hasn’t spent a whole weekend at home in more than a year.”

  “Do you know . . . will he be coming back down home soon?”

  “No. As a matter of fact, that was one of the first things he said when he came home from his father’s funeral. He said that now that he had tied up all his loose ends down there, there was no reason to go back. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to offend John or Tom. Tell them he’d be glad to have them come up for a visit. But tell them to call first, so I know if he’ll be home or not. Uh . . .” There was another slight pause. “ . . . how about if I tell him to call you when he gets home. He’ll probably be home soon for a change of clothes, but I can’t really be sure.”

  “But I’m not at home now.”

  “Well, where are you, dear?” There was impatience in Lena’s voice.

  “I’m at Bob’s. Does he know the number?”

  “Yes. Yes, he does. I think I hear him coming now. I’ll tell him you called, but I have to go. The baby’s crying.”

  Maddie hung up the telephone and moved to sit on the edge of the couch; her legs were shaking from her uneasiness. God! She just wanted to get this done and over with. She needed to talk to Joe. She needed the reassurance Lena and Bob were stripping away. She sat silently, listening to Bob moving around on the second floor. It was taking so long. Perhaps it wasn’t Joe that Lena had heard coming in. She had almost given up hope when the telephone rang, its unexpectedness startling her.

  “Hello?” Maddie quickly grabbed the receiver.

  “You get that, Maddie?” Bob called down the stairs.

  “Yes. I got it,” she called back, then turned back to the receiver. “Hello?”

  “Hi.” It was Joe. The sound of his voice sent tremors through her. She was so glad to hear him. But why had it taken so long for him to get back to her. “Why are you at Bob’s this time of night? Is everything okay at home?”

  “Yes. Yes, I’m just visiting with him.”

  “Why so late?”

  “I was waiting for you to call back.”

  “Oh.” There was a hesitation on the line and his voice sounded strange—strained. “Lena told me you called. I don’t think it’s a very good idea to call me here anymore.”

  “What?” Her voice was very quiet, very disbelieving.

  “I’ve—been busy lately. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back to you.”

  “Will you be coming home soon?” God, where did she get the strength to ask that question? She didn’t feel any strength at the moment.

  “No. I don’t think so. I doubt I’ll be down all summer. Maybe sometime next spring—I don’t know yet.”

  “But Joe. What about . . . .”

  “Listen, Maddie,” he broke in. “I-I’m really sorry about what happened. I really am. I think it’d be best if we didn’t see one another for a while, okay?”

  “Not see each other?” Her voice was barely audible.

  “I—I gotta go now, Maddie.”

  “You have to go now?” she repeated dully.

  “And, Maddie, go home. I don’t want you staying at Bob’s so late. I gotta go now.”

  Maddie listened to the click of the telephone, then slowly replaced the receiver. She made her way to the couch although she couldn’t feel her legs or feet. So many things running through her mind. She was a mass of confusion. “I’m really sorry about what happened.” “I don’t think it’s a very good idea to call me here anymore.” “I’ve been busy lately.” “Think it’d be best if we didn’t see one another for a while.” “I’m really sorry . . . .” Oh God! She felt used . . . dirty . . . so confused. The pain she felt was unbearable. He didn’t want anything to do with her. Their weekend together had been no different than any of the other weekends he’d been having this past year, except maybe this time it had come a little easier. What a fool she’d been to believe he could ever be interested in her longer than the time it would take to use her. His interest in her at fifteen and sixteen had merely been an interest in something he couldn’t have. Didn’t he almost take her at that football game then stop and remind her that she was too young—jail bait? And then two months ago, hadn’t he said he needed only one kind of help that night—anyone would have done. Hadn’t he told her that morning that nothing lasts forever. When she told him she loved him—God! When she told him she loved him he hadn’t answered; only said her name to shut her up. He didn’t want her love that weekend, and he didn’t want it now. He had gone straight home, leaving with Bob so she couldn’t even come down to see him before he left. God, how he must have laughed at her, and probably still is laughing.

  She felt lost and alone as she clutched a cushion on her lap and rocked back and forth. She was barely seventeen and would pass eleventh grade in a few weeks. What kind of job could she get to support herself and her baby? Her baby! She had to find a way to keep her pregnancy from him. He would never know he had fathered her child. And her child would never know what kind of a father it had. She had to find a way—even if it meant giving it to John and Beth to raise as their own. But the thought of living her life as her child’s aunt tore at her, and she didn’t know if she could trust her fa
mily not to tell Joe either. She had to find a way to keep her baby without Joe ever finding out.

  “Maddie?” Bob came from the stairs. “Maddie? What’s wrong?”

  She looked at him with tears she had been trying desperately to hide. “Bobby.”

  “Oh, Maddie.” He sat next to her and pulled her against him, rocking her against his chest as his arms held her tightly. “What’s wrong? What did he say?”

  “He said he was sorry it happened. He said I wasn’t supposed to call him anymore. He said he didn’t have time for me—he was busy. Oh, Bobby, I don’t know what to do. I love him and he just used me. He won’t come back. He said he won’t. Bobby, I don’t know what to do.” Her tears fell against his shirt.

  “Oh, Maddie. I was afraid of this. I hoped it wouldn’t happen. I really did. I wanted you to be happy. You don’t know how much I wanted you to be happy.”

  “It won’t happen. He doesn’t care about me.”

  “We all grew up together. He cares about you, but . . . .”

  “No! You, me and Tom grew up together. Jackie, John and Joe went off to war. He doesn’t care. If he did, he doesn’t care anymore. He told me two months ago—nothing lasts forever.”

  “Some things do, Maddie.” Bob’s voice was tender as he tipped her chin back until she was looking at him. “My feelings for you have never changed.”

  “I know, Bob. You’ve never treated me badly. You’ve always been here for me,” she said absently.

  “What are you going to do, Maddie? Now that he doesn’t want the baby?”

  “I didn’t tell him. I didn’t even have the chance. He didn’t want to talk to me. He couldn’t have made it any plainer. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him ever to know.”

  “He doesn’t know?” Maddie saw something click in Bob’s expression. “Well, you’re only about eight weeks pregnant. It would be easy enough to get rid of it.”

  “No!” She sat up and stared at him. “I won’t! It’s mine! I can’t! And I won’t!”

  “Then I can see only one other solution. If you want it and you don’t want Joe to know he’s the father, I think we better get married—and fast.”