My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “What? I couldn’t do that to you! What kind of marriage would that be for you?”

  “One I’ve waited a long time for. And I would have waited until next year before I asked you—normally. I couldn’t see marrying you before you were even out of high school. But, as things are, we have to take things as they are given to us. Well? Will you marry me?”

  “But I’m having Joe’s baby!” She rubbed her eyes.

  “I know.” Was that some kind of arrogance she saw in his eyes? No, whatever it was, it was gone when he looked at her. “It’ll be my baby from this moment on. If you’ll let me be its father. Of course you’d better hope you’re overdue. Otherwise we’ll have to lie and say it was born prematurely. God help us if you really do deliver prematurely. There wouldn’t be any way to cover it up then. Unless . . . unless . . . that’s it. If there are any questions, and Joe says you were together eight weeks ago, you can always say you had your period a few days after you were with him. Then we got together. That’s it—if you have to. If we don’t, I think we better stick to the premature bit,” Bob went on, and Maddie could see the odd excitement in his eyes before he stopped and looked at her again. “I’m sorry. I’m not giving you the chance to answer. Do you want to? I do—I’ve just been waiting.”

  “It wouldn’t be fair to you, Bob,” she told him slowly, eying him warily.

  “Maddie. You don’t know how fair it would be. I’ve waited in line behind Joe all my life it seems. All of your life—I know. For once, don’t make me stand in line.”

  If there was any chance of her saying yes it vanished when he lowered his head and met her lips. She felt the urge to pull away as soon as she saw his head lowering, but remained still. When he tried to deepen the kiss by pressing his tongue between her lips, she couldn’t stop herself and pushed at him as she pulled away.

  “NO!” She jerked away, staring at him with revulsion.

  Never had she ever thought of Bob Green as a lover—it was perverse! Just as perverse in her mind as if she had lain with Tom or John. Bob Green had always been a brother to her. He could have been Tom’s fraternal twin as far as her perception of him was concerned, but when she saw the pain enter his eyes it tore at her. Bob wasn’t her brother. As far as anyone knew, he was a young child with a funny accent left at the orphanage in the middle of the night, dressed completely in green clothes, hence his name. (Bobby, he remembered at three years of age and told the nurses. They kept it.)

  “It’s all right.” He stood up and moved into the other room. “I can understand.”

  “No. I don’t think you can,” she said softly as she walked after him, stopping him as he was about to leave the house altogether. “I don’t think you understand at all.”

  “What is there to understand, Maddie? I’ve loved you all my life—Christ, do you know how strange that is? While Joe, Jackie, John and Tom were outside playing football, I offered to sit and play with you while Mom made supper. I was ten years old and you were three—and I loved you. When I was fourteen and started to get sexually aroused, I thought I was sick because the thought of taking advantage of a seven-year-old made me ill. But I didn’t want to be with anyone else. You filled me completely. At seventeen I finally went out with a girl and lost my virginity. Seventeen, Maddie! Around here, guys don’t usually wait that long. They all started to think I was queer because I was still a virgin. You don’t know how close you were to losing yours at that creek two summers ago when you were fifteen—but I would have stopped myself-even if Joe hadn’t. I love you. I didn’t want to make you do anything too fast. Fifteen wasn’t right for you—you couldn’t have handled it. No, there’s nothing for me to understand here—except I love you and you love Joe McNier.”

  He tried to leave again, but Maddie stopped him as she put her arms around his waist. “I love you, Bob. I’ve always loved you too. But you never let me know how you felt. Can you blame me for thinking of you as a brother. When you kissed me—I might as well have been kissing Tom or John. Please, Bob, I don’t want to hurt you. Don’t be angry because I can’t respond yet.”

  “Yet?” He tipped her head back again. “Did you say yet?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I can wait a little longer—but not much longer. I have needs too. And if our plan is to work, we better get married damn fast.”

  “How damn fast?”

  “I can apply for a license tomorrow. Tonight, I think we better call Mom and tell her we plan to get married. That you missed a period and we suspect you’re pregnant. You’ll stay here from now on.”

  “Oh, Bob,” she sighed. “It’s all happening so fast.”

  “Your baby—no, I mean our baby—isn’t going to wait.”

  “No, it isn’t. Where am I going to sleep tonight?”

  “My bed. I’ll sleep down here on the couch if you want me to. I don’t want to. But if you want me to, I will.”

  “Maybe we better go out to see Mom. I’ll need some clothes and stuff anyway. She’ll take it better if we’re there. But . . . .”

  “What?” Disappointment crept over his handsome features.

  “But Dad, that’s what. You tell him—not me.”

  “Oh shit! I forgot!!” His relief at not being refused again was short-lived when she reminded him of her father.

  “Almost makes you wish you hadn’t offered, doesn’t it?” She smiled sadly.

  “Truthfully—yes. But I won’t pull out now. I’m getting what I wanted in a roundabout way. It’ll be worth it.” He took her arm and headed out to the car parked on the busy street in front of the house.

  “Bob, about the sleeping arrangements . . . .”

  “I won’t force you,” he said simply.

  “But tonight—I think we ought to start sleeping in the same bed at least. I’ll never get used to you if you sleep on the couch. It shouldn’t be too much of a shock—I mean, if circumstances called for it, like, I don’t know, being stranded somewhere with only one bed maybe. I’d sleep with Tom or John. They wouldn’t sleep on the floor if there was a bed—they’d make me sleep on the floor. But I think I’d do it—sleep with them I mean. We’d probably be clinging to the sides or shoving each other away if we got too close though,” she rambled.

  “Shut up and get in the car. I get the message.” He opened her door then moved to his side of the car, sitting behind the steering wheel. “But don’t count on me shoving you away. I can’t guarantee I won’t hold you close in my sleep.”

  Once at Maddie’s house, she started up the sloping walkway as she had done hundreds of times after a trip in Bob’s car. This time though, Bob whistled for her attention then slipped his arm around her waist before continuing.

  “We were supposed to have been intimate already, remember?” he asked through clenched teeth as he smiled at Sarah who was watching their approach from the kitchen. “Make it look good, sweetheart.”

  “What’s this?” Sarah was getting a glass of water. “You giving out hugs today, Bob?”

  “I always got one for you, Mom.” He released Maddie and went to the woman to hug her gently and kiss her cheek.

  “That wasn’t a hint, Bob,” Sarah told him dryly.

  “You don’t have to hint for a hug; there’s always one here.”

  “Bob, does the name Eddie Haskell mean anything to you? Now, what’s on your mind? I could tell something was wrong as soon as I saw your faces. What’s up?”

  Maddie and Bob looked at one another before Maddie turned her eyes back to her mother. “Mom. I’ve—I mean, we’ve got some news for you.” She paused when she saw worry cover the woman’s face. “We—think I’m pregnant.”

  Sarah took a deep breath and released it, moving to a chair as she took a Marlboro from her pack. She looked from one to the other as she lit it. “How far?”

  “A month,” Bob told her.

  Another deep breath. “Are you sure it isn’t closer to two?”

  Maddie’s heart sank as she looked quickly at Bob.

&
nbsp; “No, we’ve been keeping track. She got her period at the end of April. I tried to be careful, Mom. I didn’t want to get her pregnant before she was out of school. I guess I just wasn’t careful enough.” He glanced back at Maddie before going on. “We’re going to get married though. As soon as possible in fact. That is if we have your permission.”

  “Yes, Maddie can’t be married without my and Jack’s consent. Are you sure you want to marry her, Bob?” she asked almost sympathetically as she eyed him suspiciously.

  “Of course I’m sure. I’ve always been sure. You should know that.”

  “And what about you, Maddie? Are you absolutely positive you’re not making a mistake marrying him?”

  “Yes, she’s sure,” Bob answered for her. Maddie simply nodded. She wasn’t sure at all, and she couldn’t face lying to her mother.

  “Maddie. Do you have a tongue?”

  “I’m sure.” At that moment she hated herself.

  “Oh, Maddie. You aren’t even finished with school.” Sarah’s disappointment was evident; suddenly she seemed very tired, but after a moment she looked up at them and forced a smile. “All right. If you’re both sure this is what you want to do. Do you want me to tell Jack or do you want to tell him? I think he’d appreciate it more if you told him.”

  “Don’t you think he’ll get mad?” Maddie asked with astonishment.

  “I wouldn’t doubt it one bit. You’re his little girl, no matter how much he yells at you. Don’t be surprised if Bob gets his head bit off.”

  This time, Bob took a deep breath. “Well, I better get it done and over with then.”

  Maddie followed him into the room where Jack was reading the paper. She couldn’t stop the mad shaking of her knees. She had faced (and run away from) Jack Baker’s anger more than a few times in her young life.

  “Jack, can I talk to you?”

  “You got a mouth?” Jack looked at the young man strangely and put down the paper.

  “Maddie will be staying in town with me from now on.”

  Maddie cringed under that remark. What a way to start.

  “She’s got a bed upstairs,” Jack told him.

  “We’re getting married,” said Bob.

  “Why? You can see her as often as you like when you come out here.”

  “She’s pregnant, Jack.”

  Jack remained silent a moment as he eyed Bob. His expression was unreadable. “Is that why you want to marry her?”

  “I love her.”

  “Hmph. Well, Sarah and I have been married for twenty-eight years now. She was pregnant too.” He went back to his paper.

  “Jack, will you give her away?”

  Maddie’s eyes widened. Just what kind of a wedding was Bob planning? She thought they’d face a judge or JP, not in a church in front of a crowd of people.

  “You got her.” Jack continued with his paper.

  “I mean at the wedding. Will you give her away?”

  The paper came down again and Maddie watched her father’s eyes. The combination of anger and disappointment was beginning to show.

  “Sarah and I got married by a judge. John got married in a big church the first time—I didn’t go. The second time he got married by a preacher in Montana—I wasn’t there. The third time, he faced a JP and again I wasn’t there. No. I won’t be there whether you get married in the same big church John got married in, or if you stand in front of a JP. I only went to one wedding in my life—the only one I’ll ever go to.”

  “Are you angry about this?”

  “Me? No. You want to marry my daughter. She’s going to give me a grandchild. I couldn’t be angry over receiving a grandchild. She’s only seventeen Goddamn years old—what the hell have I got to be angry about?” He put his paper back in front of his face, then calmed down slightly. “I-I just won’t be there.”

  “It’s okay, Dad. I understand,” Maddie said quietly.

  “Then who’s going to give you away? John?” Bob asked her quickly.

  “No, not John. He passed out at his own wedding once he saw everyone watching him.”

  “Tom?”

  “Tom would turn and run. If someone has to give me away and Dad can’t do it—then I know who I’ll ask.”

  Maddie didn’t like this at all. She never in her wildest dreams, even as a child, imagined she would have a big church wedding. It embarrassed her to be taking her vows in front of a crowd. It was such a performance. But, she thought with regret, this was something she had to leave up to Bob. One of the few choices he had left.

  “Yeah.” Jack looked back at his paper, already knowing whom she was going to ask. “Ask Lew. He’ll do it for you.”

  By the end of June Maddie was dressed in a full-length ivory gown. The heels she wore made up some of the difference in height separating the top of her head from Bob’s. It was odd that she felt no sign of bridal nerves as her mother helped her dress, only a deep dread of the performance she was about to make in front of nearly one hundred people.

  During the past two weeks Bob had made no attempt even to kiss her again as he slept in the same bed with her. And, as she had suspected, she clung to her side of the bed, but halfway through the night she would wake up holding Bob desperately. In her sleepy state it wasn’t Bob’s body she clung to though. The difference in Bob’s and Joe’s body made little difference when she slept. Bob’s build was bulkier than Joe’s from the constant weight-lifting he did every evening. Joe’s body was somewhat leaner, providing muscles in all the right places. It was during her wakeful hours that she would long to hold the leaner body; a longing she fought against. She didn’t want to want Joe. She wanted more than anything to be in love with Bob Green, but her heart had a will of its own.

  “Are you about ready, brat?” Lew entered the room provided at the back of the church as she pulled the traditional garter up over her pale stockings.

  Any other man would have turned and left the room when he saw the leg exposed clear to her thigh. Not Lew; he barely noticed as he lit one of his Winstons and sat uncomfortably in his black suit with a tie that made him look as if he were being hanged. Maddie knew that to dear Lew’s eyes, her long shapely limbs were still the short stubbly legs that would carry her down the dirt road to his porch, most of the time with banged up knees resembling hamburg.

  “Is it time?” Maddie’s heart sank. Damn, she didn’t like the idea of doing this.

  “I guess so. They told me to come back and get ya.” He looked at her with his sparkling eyes. “Next time your cop decides to buy us all new clothes, tell him to get me a pair of work-pants and a sports shirt. This is damn uncomfortable.”

  “This isn’t much better,” Maddie sighed as she straightened then turned to look in the mirror. The reflection was surprising.

  “Did your old man give you guys the bathroom speech? You know, you don’t love each other until you’ve shared a bathroom with each other?”

  “Yeah. A few days after we told him we were getting married.” She moved to a neighboring chair and sat down. Folding the satin gown between her legs, she crossed an ankle over a knee and leaned back, picking up one of Lew’s cigarettes and lighting it.

  “Ah yes—that’s the Maddie we all know and adore,” Lew laughed.

  “I don’t care. In a few minutes I have to be all dainty and feminine. I would just love to put on my cut-off jeans and T-shirt and run out, turn around and yell surprise! But . . . .”

  “But Bob wants dainty and feminine.” Lew finished for her.

  “He deserves to get what he wants.” Maddie drew back on the cigarette. “Lew—I’m starting—to feel—sick.”

  “Just don’t puke on my new suit. You better go in the bathroom quick. Stick your finger down your throat if you have to. The organ’s going to start any minute.”

  Her last look in the mirror showed a beautiful stranger. As she hurried past this time, she couldn’t help be a little more satisfied with the green-tinged teenager she saw. She held a towel against her dress as
she leaned over the toilet, going through her newly acquired ritual. Goddamn Joe! How she wished he’d have to kneel to the throne day after day to york his guts out. “Well, so much for breakfast,” she thought as she cleaned up her face. She still felt like a limp rag when she came back to the room with Lew. Within seconds the organ music drifted back to them. Her stomach twinged again in response. God, she hoped she wouldn’t throw up out there.

  She took a deep breath, then walked to the door with Lew. He would be forty-one in a few days, and he was still the huge gentle giant she adored. As they started out the door, he pulled her back.

  “WHAT?!” She almost barked as she glanced up at him nervously.

  His eyes laughed down at her, then he pulled her veil to the front of her face. “Now they can’t see how green you are.”

  In another moment they were on their way. Her eyes scanned the crowd. On one side were cousins and friends from school, on the other, a lot of policemen she barely knew. There was Mom and Beth in the front row with Janet and four of Lew’s children; his other two wouldn’t fit, so they were sitting in the second row. Her two bridesmaids were dressed in pale yellow, holding violets. Damn, they looked completely at ease in their gowns. They were her best friends from school. They should be wanting to jump into a pair of jeans and T-shirt as much as she wanted to. On the other side stood Tom, looking like his greatest wish was to pluck a cigarette from his pocket. And John—she almost laughed at his red face. Anyone would think he was the one getting married again.

  And there was Bob. He looked great. What she would give to be sitting on the groom’s side, watching some lovely girl approach him, ready and willing to give herself to him completely and give him the life he deserved. But she was the one walking up to take his hand, giving her bouquet of violets mingled with baby’s breath to the girl on her left.

  The ceremony, thankfully, was short and they were on their way to a Victorian-style hotel across town after a kiss that was neither casual nor heated and pictures taken by the local photographer. It bothered her that Bob had spent all this money on their wedding, but he had insisted it was what he wanted. He insisted that, since he planned to get married only once, he wanted to go all the way. Funny how she thought her parents went all the way when they stood in front of a courthouse judge with the maid and janitor as their only witnesses.