My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “You didn’t tell me Joe was here.” Maddie smiled up at Bob. “Is he staying for dinner?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t ask yet.”

  “Some host. Would you like to stay for dinner, Joe? There’s more than enough.”

  He turned swiftly to stare at her with flaming eyes. How could she? For nine months he’d been living in hell. He hadn’t touched another woman; hadn’t even wanted to look at another woman! And she ups and gets Goddamn married! She stood at the end of the bar to go through the mail neatly laid out for her. Her smile, as she glanced up at him before continuing with the mail, sent jolts through him. His eyes moved down over her until the bar hid most of her body from his view. There was something different. Her chest! Her chest was bigger! How in the hell . . . .

  “Well, Joe? Are you going to answer me or just stand there? You’re always welcome.” Maddie put down the mail and walked toward the kitchen, the sight of her ballooned figure coming into view as she passed him.

  “You’re pregnant!” This time it was Joe who released a breathless exclamation.

  “I am?” Maddie said with mock surprise as she pulled a pack of hamburg from the refrigerator and put it on the counter next to the stove, then reached for some tomato sauce on a top shelf in the cupboard. “Could you get that down, Bob? I knew something was wrong. Now we know, don’t we? I’m pregnant.”

  “How far?” Joe stared across the kitchen at them.

  “Eight months.” Bob spoke up instantly.

  His mind calculated quickly, but each time he came up with his answer, he tried again. “You don’t look it. You look too big for eight months.”

  “Well thank you very much! What a flatterer!” She didn’t look at him as she went about starting dinner. “I know. Everyone tells me that. I wish I were nine months already. He’s getting kind of heavy on the spine back there. Did you finish with the crib, Bob?”

  “Almost. Joe came when I was pounding it into place. All these years, I think it warped a little.”

  “I wouldn’t doubt it. Maybe Joe could give you a hand while I make supper.” She turned to him and smiled gently.

  Goddamn, he wanted out of this place. Now he knew why Lena had gone through with the divorce. Now he knew why she had sent him here. The ignorant slut knew all along!

  “Well? Want to give me a hand?” asked Bob.

  Joe looked at him—he wanted to give him a hand all right. Right in the Goddamn mouth! But when he looked back at Maddie’s soft smile, and his heart felt like it was being ripped apart, he simply nodded then turned and started for the stairs.

  “I’ll help. But I won’t be eating here.”

  Joe worked with Bob in silence most of the time. He recognized the crib. It had been Maddie’s. He used to sneak upstairs and get her out of it in the mornings before he went to school with the other boys. But now, instead of holding Maddie, it would hold her baby.

  “Are you sure she’s only eight months pregnant?” Joe tried to sound casual as he questioned Bob, but it must not have worked, because Bob jerked his head toward him quickly, a strange emotion in his eyes.

  “I’m positive. I ought to know. She got pregnant almost right away.”

  “She couldn’t have been pregnant before you were with her?”

  “No.” Bob stood up with the hammer and placed it on the dresser then bent to pick up the mattress and put it inside the crib’s frame. “I remember because it was funny actually. The first time we went out and I got a little more serious than usual—hell, it was only a few days after you went back north. I guess it was the time you were down for your dad’s funeral. Anyway, I brought her back here; we stared making out on the couch and she got her period. She was so embarrassed that I knew she almost cried. She didn’t come prepared and I had to go to the store for her while she washed and dried her clothes. I don’t know why she got so embarrassed. God, it’s part of being a woman.”

  Joe listened silently, then started out of the nursery, but stopped and looked back. “Do you mind if I speak with her a moment—alone?”

  “No, go ahead. I have to put these tools away.”

  When Joe stepped off the stairs, he looked toward the kitchen and saw that the meal was nearly finished. What it was, he didn’t take the time to notice, for Maddie wasn’t there, and she was what he was searching for. Looking in the other direction, he found her standing with her back to him as she leaned down to finish some math problems on a piece of paper. He came up to stand behind her, watching in silence as she sucked on a lollipop that made her cheek bulge. She only made matters worse, looking like that. She wasn’t even eighteen, only a child. A child with a belly full of baby. Bob’s baby—Goddamn him! Bob knew how young she was. Couldn’t he have been more careful?! Couldn’t he have just left her the hell alone?! Everything would be fine now—Goddamn Bob!

  Turning quickly to return to the kitchen, she bumped into him with a force that sent him back a step.

  “Jesus Christ, Bob, if you don’t stop sneaking up behind me . . . .” she scolded in a whisper, before recognizing Joe. “Oh. It’s you.”

  “I’m sorry.” Joe grasped her upper arms to steady her. “Did I hurt you?”

  “Besides almost knocking my lollipop down my throat and giving junior the ride of his life—no, not much.”

  “Junior? You’re sure it’s a boy?”

  “No. But Mom said it’s a boy. I’m carrying high—that’s how it was with her, and I craved a lot of sweet stuff.”

  “Like that lollipop?”

  “No. Bob said if I’d quit smoking, he’d supply the substitutes.” Her hands moved to her stomach, a smile coming to her eyes as she looked down at it. “He’s either telling me to bump into you again or that he didn’t like the ride. He’s kicking up a storm in there. Maybe he’ll grow up to be a high school football star like his . . . uncles.”

  Joe couldn’t say exactly what made him move his hands to her swollen abdomen. He hadn’t taken all that much interest in Lena’s two pregnancies, so he couldn’t understand the strange feeling that came over him, urging him to feel the baby’s movements. Well, it certainly was healthy, he thought, as a smile touched his lips and he stared down at their two pairs of hands. But the sight of the golden band around her long, delicate fingers made him pull away in a rush. Goddamn it—that should have been his child she was carrying and it made him sick that it wasn’t.

  “Why, Maddie?” His question was very quiet as she narrowed her eyes slightly and stared at him.

  “Why? Why what?” She took a step back from him. “Why did I get pregnant? You’re a big boy now, Joe, I think you know the facts of life.”

  “Knock it off! You know what I mean.” He looked back to her face then moved closer to her, ever so slowly. “You said you loved me.”

  He backed her against the wall before his mouth came down on hers in a kiss that was demanding what he knew she could give. His tongue pressed across her lips to meet clenched teeth, but at his persistence they parted, allowing him the freedom to roam and taste her mouth. God, she was so warm and so sweet, and even now with her belly full of another man’s child, she was making him swell as her tongue met his. But it ended quickly when she ripped away from him, her hand coming up in a full swing that he didn’t see until it was too late. He felt the first flow of warmth drip from his brow, and after reaching up he saw the blood on his fingertips. He didn’t know how, but she had managed to cut him, and cut him deeply.

  “You bastard! You ever touch me again and I won’t just scrape you with my ring!”

  “What’s this?” he asked angrily. “Another scar from Maddie Baker?! How would that Goddamn husband of yours like to see some scars you left from the last time? My back has eight small white signatures from when I broke your . . . .”

  “No, Joe. I have no interest in your scars.” Bob’s voice came from the bottom of the stairs where he was calmly leaning against the wall, sending Maddie to him in an instant. He put his arms around her and pulled her gently
against him. “And it’s Maddie Green now, not Maddie Baker. Go get him something to clean that up, Maddie.”

  “Don’t bother,” Joe said through clenched teeth, but Maddie was already on her way to the kitchen. “I said don’t bother!”

  “She heard you. But you’ll stay anyway and let her patch you up. After all, it was her engagement ring that’s making your eye swell and that blood drip onto my carpet.” Bob walked over to him, inspecting the injury briefly. “If you went up to the hospital they’d put two or three stitches in it for you and charge you forty-five bucks. Or you can let Maddie make you an ice pack and put a tight bandage on it and we won’t charge a cent. If you decide for the hospital I’d have to take you anyway, because you wouldn’t be able to drive like that.”

  Maddie returned with the ice pack and a bandage, handing them to Bob. “I’ve got supper to finish. You do it.”

  “Sit down, Joe. It won’t take long. Maddie, bring in his coat. I don’t think he feels like staying after I finish this.” Bob moved with Joe to the sofa in the living room.

  The coat was thrown into the room, landing on the floor before the sound of stomping feet went back in the other direction. Bob looked at the coat and smiled slightly.

  “Now ya got her mad,” he teased, making Joe wonder how he could take it so lightly after what he had seen.

  “It’s not the first time,” Joe muttered as Bob pressed some tissues to the wound.

  “No. She’s got a temper all right.” He pulled away the tissues and bent to look at it again, then put it back and pulled Joe’s hand up to it. “Hold this a while.”

  “Have you faced it yet?” Joe asked as Bob was removing a bandage from the paper and peeling back the tape.

  “Her temper? Me? Sure. A lot when we were kids—not so much now. Just little stuff, like parking my car. Move the tissue.” He spread the bandage on so it would hold the wound closed tightly, then handed Joe the ice pack. “Now, all done. But before you leave I want to tell you this. Maddie’s not the only one with a temper, and we’re not kids anymore, Joe. I’ve got a good twenty-five-thirty pounds on ya. If I ever see you touching my wife again, you don’t know how sorry you’ll be. Maybe I better rephrase that. I don’t mind the touching. I saw you with your hands on her stomach. That I don’t mind. She lets anyone who wants to feel the baby move touch her stomach. So, I don’t mind the touching. It’s what came after that. That’s what just about had you thrown through the front door—literally. And in this weather its too cold for the baby with the front door busted out. Now get this part straight—because it’s important. You are welcome into my home anytime you like. I think it’ll take a while before Maddie gets over this hot spell. But I can understand such things—I don’t like what you did—but it’s over. And I don’t think it will be repeated. Just remember—you can always come back. I’ll have a son soon, I’ll want to show him off.”

  “Bob, who in the hell are you kidding?” Joe held the ice to his face as he grabbed his coat. “I’ll never be back and you know it.”

  “I thought as much. But just so you understand that it isn’t me that’s making it this way.”

  “Whatever you say. You’ve won, Bob. Congratulations.”

  Joe left quickly, getting in his car and driving back north where he rented a room in a motel for the night. He had his job there. His wife could drop dead for all he cared. She had won also, managed to take his kids and his life away in a single day. He’d find an apartment to house himself and, occasionally, his kids. They were the only reasons to go back to that town now.

  CHAPTER XII

  JULY 1984

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  July 1984

  Maddie took Robby into the bathroom first, telling him to strip while she did the same in her bedroom across the hall, then wrapped a robe around herself as she came back and filled the tub for him. He reluctantly climbed in, insisting he was still good for another day or two without a bath. She insisted otherwise. She gave him the soap and washcloth as she removed her makeup and then the pins from her hair, brushing out the thick waves that traveled past her shoulders.

  The crash from the boys’ bedroom turned her glance to Robby before she moved to the bedroom to find Jackie standing over Bob’s picture. The glass in the frame was broken and on the floor. She looked at the small red ball that he had bounced against the far wall; its ricochet had struck the picture and knocked it down.

  “Jackie, get back. I’ll clean it. Go get me the broom and dustpan.”

  “I didn’t mean to break it. I just missed the ball.” Jackie started out of the room.

  “You shouldn’t be throwing the ball in here in the first place,” she called after him, then took the broom from him when he came back. “Go in the bathroom with Robby, I’ll be in as soon as I’m done here.”

  “Is it okay? The picture I mean.”

  “Yes. Just a little scratch. Now go on. I don’t want him slipping in the tub.”

  Maddie looked down at the photograph to see Bob in his uniform. She remembered taking the picture. Jackie had been about a week old, and Bob looked every bit the proud father as he held the newborn in his arms. He took on the role of father enthusiastically over the following months. Maddie knew her son would never want for affection.

  NOVEMBER 1977

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  November 1977

  “How would you like to be arrested and put in jail for the next ten years? When you get out you’ll be almost as old as I am,” Bob Green said to the two boys he held by the scuff of the neck as Maddie watched from her car.

  She had planned to meet him for lunch that day. His arrival at the shopping plaza had coincided with the two youngsters being chased from one of the stores by a security guard. She smiled as she watched Bob with the boys; she knew what he was doing.

  As she picked up her nine-month-old son, she remembered how worried Bob had been about her that night of Joe’s visit. How she had managed to maintain control and even smile at Joe as if everything was completely normal during that last visit, she still wondered about. When he grabbed her hand, she knew who it was immediately. She didn’t even have to look, but her eyes searched for his face. His face had made her tremble and yearn to reach out and touch it. Instead, she pulled away. Pride made her want to hurt him as fiercely as he had hurt her. But then when he stood with her, holding their baby, feeling him kick, she knew she was still very much under his spell; still very much in love with him. When he kissed her she almost went to him, his power over her so overwhelming, until she realized he only meant to humiliate her. He would never know how glad she was when Bob had told her to go to the kitchen where she tried to gain control of herself; then after bringing Bob the bandage and ice, how she lost control and the tears fell. Joe would never know how Bob had held her that night to try to calm her, trying to give her the love Joe would dangle in front of her
and then deny her.

  Then two weeks later she had gone into labor, Bob’s anxiety was palpable until the baby finally arrived and he got a good look at it. He said throughout the pregnancy that he wanted a daughter with black hair and brown eyes—just like its mother. She knew he didn’t want it to look like its father. But she would never forget the way he floated into her room the next day, a relieved smile covering his face when he told her his baby boy looked just like her brother John—brown hair and brown eyes, with a face very similar to the baby pictures of her brother.

  When it came time for filling out the birth certificate, Bob was at her side. Because the child looked so much like John, they took his first name—and, since John looked so much like Jack Baker, they decided to nickname the baby Jackie. It would save on any confusion between the two Johns. Bob insisted the middle name be Joseph, but, when Maddie refused, he smiled and said it would only be natural to name his son after one of his friends; the next one could be named after himself. His desire to have Joe named as the father on the birth certificate really upset Maddie. But again, he soothed her, telling her that he had grown up an orphan, not knowing what kind of diseases might have been handed down to him from his mother or father. So, for the sake of medical history, if needed, the information would be available to the child. They couldn’t tell the future, and there might come a day when neither Maddie nor Bob would be there to give the child the information he might need.

  Her eyes came back to the parking lot where Bob was still holding the two boys.

  “ . . . Or how about just being taken away from your parents and put in a foster home?” Bob scolded them, glancing back at the overweight security guard who was still puffing across the parking lot to intercept them. Bob turned back to the boys, and the stricken look on their faces showed the horror they would feel at being separated from their parents, or even having their parents find out what they had been up to. “What did ya take anyway?”

  The smaller boy held out a bottle of perfume and the older one a wrench—bringing a smile to Bob’s face that he covered up as he tried to remain strict. It was evident the boys had been stealing gifts for Christmas, which was only a few weeks away.