My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “Ya know, maybe if you gave me that stuff, I could get it back to the store in one piece. But if we did that, I’d have to let go of you, and you might run off. But you wouldn’t do that, would ya, boys?”

  They nodded their heads then handed him the perfume and the wrench. Bob looked back toward the guard, but still the boys stood there as they had promised. Bob seemed exasperated. He leaned slightly toward the boys as he whispered to them and turned away. In an instant the boys were gone, speeding across the parking lot.

  “Green! What the hell did you let them go for?” The security guard puffed as Bob came back to meet him.

  “They got away—what can I say?” He handed the man the perfume and wrench.

  “They got away shit! You let them go!”

  “Just long enough to get that bottle back. It would have smashed on the sidewalk and then you wouldn’t have gotten it back. I went after them—they were just too fast.”

  “Bob? You ready to go to lunch?” Maddie’s call from behind them brought a grunt from the guard as he turned back to the store.

  “I’m starved. After that attack, I’m all out of energy,” he smiled at her.

  “Right. And what are you going to do if they get caught doing it again next week?” asked Maddie.

  “I don’t think they will. But if they do, I’ll let security handle it. They were getting Christmas presents for their mom and dad. Ya can’t put a little guy away for having good intentions but no money.”

  “If you ask me, Bob Green, they were lucky we planned on having lunch here today.”

  Delight filled little Jackie’s eyes when he saw Bob. As they began walking together he squirmed in his mother’s arms until Bob gave in and took him. The love Bob gave the child warmed Maddie when she’d sit and watch them play on the carpet of their living room. Jackie was Bob’s pride and joy, and she truly believed that he believed the boy really was of his own flesh and blood. It didn’t matter. Bob was Jackie’s father in every sense of the word, except one, and any animal can implant a seed. It was a true father who would watch that seed grow and nurture it.

  It bothered Maddie that Bob wouldn’t express his feelings toward her in a way she needed and missed. She had long ago put away her sisterly feelings toward him and had finally accepted him as her lover. The first week following their wedding, he didn’t touch her; always drinking himself to sleep at night on the couch. By the following weekend she knew whatever had been holding him back, couldn’t be contained any longer as he came to her in the middle of the night with a drunken sheen to his eyes and made love to her passionately. After that his lovemaking became less and less passionate, a simple act of releasing occasional sexual tensions. Without the passion, Maddie was lost. Her responses were few, and many times he would pull away, completely satisfied and ready for sleep without even raising her pulse beat. As her pregnancy progressed, he pulled away from her completely—she thought that, if it were his child inside her, things probably would have been different. And after she delivered the child, he didn’t touch her until Jackie was three months old. As it was now, things were really rolling if they made love more than three times a month. She was very used to it being as little as once a month. But, what he lacked as a lover, he made up for as a friend. She didn’t know many couples who could say their mates were their best friend.

  As they ate lunch Jackie reached for both Bob’s and Maddie’s plates, not caring which fed him, just as long as he held both parents’ attention. Maddie watched her husband with affection. She loved dining out with him, especially in such an informal atmosphere. His charisma drew every type of person to him. The younger women were drawn by his overwhelming beauty—a boyish face with a less than boyish body. She thought it was funny, the way the young women and girls flirted with him. If he was in the mood, he’d flirt back; if not, he’d simply smile and turn back to Maddie in exasperation. Oh, he knew he was a very handsome young man, but he didn’t flaunt it and didn’t like it when others did. He often said he kept his muscles toned for his job, and when he looked in the mirror all he saw was a dough-faced blond kid. She laughed and told him a lot of women would give their souls to hold that piece of dough—not telling him that, although he was a beautiful specimen of manhood, it wasn’t the type that could send her pulses racing from a single look.

  The older women would swarm to him, seeming to want to mother the little boy. And those were the ladies he would invite to sit down with him, relishing their conversation. The women in their fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties were the ones he listened to with an interest Maddie could only wonder at. During her pregnancy he told her he couldn’t send any of those women away, not knowing if one of them were his mother or grandmother.

  As Maddie’s attention went back to her son, she saw the excitement in his eyes a moment before he jumped in his highchair, sending both her and Bob’s hands to push him back in his seat; this time buckling the belt around him before pulling him closer against the restaurant table. Maddie glanced at the baby’s face when he giggled and tried to stick his tongue out. That could only mean one thing, and a smile crossed her face before she turned in the direction the child was looking.

  “What are you . . . ,” Bob started to ask the baby, but he stopped when he saw Lew standing behind a semi-wall at the entrance to the dining area; he was making faces at the little boy. “Lew.”

  Lew’s laugh came, warming Maddie as it always did. He moved from the wall with Janet at his side and approached their table. “Hey, Slobberbox! Your mother should teach you some manners, sticking out your tongue in a public place. Move over, Blue Boy,” Lew told Bob then slid into the booth next to him, picking Bob’s hot dog from its bun with bare fingers and tapping it against Jackie’s nose. The way the baby’s mouth opened and he tried to catch the food made them all smile.

  “Here, Janet, you can sit across from Bob, I’ll stay here to feed Jackie.” Maddie got up and let her aunt slide across the booth seat.

  “You feeding him whole foods now?” Lew asked as he watched Jackie trying to grab the hot dog.

  “Not that big, we aren’t,” said Bob, staring at the food Lew was snatching off his plate to play with Jackie. He was glad he had ordered three hot dogs, and he had already eaten two of them. “What are you doing off work?”

  “Sick day.” Lew pulled something from his jacket pocket and held it out to Jackie. “How about if I keep the hot dog and you keep this?”

  When he saw the rubber dinosaur Jackie squealed with delight. He reached out and pulled it to his mouth, chewing with his few tiny teeth then pulling it back and inspecting it carefully. Lew beamed his appreciation for the little one. Of all Lew’s nieces and nephews he had chosen Jackie to spend his hard-earned cash on, including rubber dinosaurs that now totaled close to a dozen. Jackie preferred the ugly creatures over his cuddly teddy bears.

  “You sick?” Maddie asked Lew.

  “He was this morning. We were out picking up antacid when we saw your car,” Janet explained.

  “Acid?” Maddie asked.

  “Gas,” said Lew. “Too much cabbage or beans, that’s all.”

  “Neither. We had fish for dinner last night,” Janet corrected her husband.

  “Well, Gert, you about ready? We better get home before someone sees me and it gets back to the boss that I’m out playing hookie,” Lew told Janet, then reached down to stick his finger in Jackie’s ear, bringing another squeal as the child squirmed away. “We’ll see ya later.”

  Lew’s chuckle could be heard as he and his wife walked toward the front of the restaurant. Maddie smiled as she watched them depart, then went back to feeding her son, although he preferred the new dinosaur over his food now.

  It was shortly after Bob returned home from work that afternoon that her brother John called to tell her Lew was in the hospital. He had suffered a mild heart attack that afternoon, but he was doing well, even though he was in intensive care. Maddie went to the hospital immediately, not satisfied until she sa
w him lying in bed with his familiar smile as he teased the nurses. Janet’s smile wasn’t so quick. Sarah was soon to come, looking pale and frightened until she had the reassurance of her baby brother’s laugh.

  JULY 1984

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  21

  22

  23

  24

  25

  26

  27

  28

  29

  30

  31

  July 1984

  “Mom! Robby’s splashing!” yelled Jackie as Maddie was emptying the glass from the broken frame into the garbage can outside the back door.

  “Robby! Stop splashing!” she yelled back, then came inside again to put the dustpan and broom away. A knock from the front of the house sidetracked her to that door where she found Joe standing with a cigarette in hand. Her greeting was dry as they stared at one another. “What do you want?”

  Jackie’s wail from the bathroom put an end to whatever Joe was about to say.

  “Mom! Robby’s gonna fall if he don’t knock it off! I told him to stop it, but he won’t listen!” There was a pause then a heavy splash. “I told you to knock it off. God! Will you get away from me! MOM!”

  Robby’s laughter poured out of the bathroom, bringing an exasperated sigh from Maddie as she turned back to her sons. “Come in, Joe. I don’t have time to just stand here right this minute. I’m in the middle of a small catastrophe. ROBERT! PUT THAT DOWN!”

  When Maddie got to the bathroom doorway she found the floor covered with water and shaving cream. Robby was completely bare, dripping water, and trying unsuccessfully to spray the foam onto his brother. At the sight of his mother he dropped the can and ran back to the tub, jumping in and sending another tidal wave over the sides.

  “I told ya he wasn’t listening,” said Jackie.

  Maddie looked around the room in disbelief. She had been gone barely three minutes, and in that time the bathroom was a shambles. Jackie took a step in her direction but his foot landed in a mound of the foam, sending him on a slide across the floor. When he got up Robby was laughing hysterically at him, and he had foam from the bottom of his bare foot to the top of his brown hair.

  “Did you see that?” Robby laughed. “He went zoom!” He repeated his brother’s slide with his hand.

  “Mom!” Jackie managed to get to his feet. Although the floor was extremely slippery he very slowly got to the door where he took his first sure step, a step that would have landed him on the floor again if Joe hadn’t grabbed his arm and pulled him out onto the carpet. “I hope your going to hit him for this! I really hope you give him a beating!” Jackie ranted as he stomped across the hall to his bedroom, then went on muttering to himself. “If he was my kid—I’d beat him for it. I really think he deserves it this time.”

  Maddie only stared at Robby, his laughter having ended at Jackie’s mention of a beating. Now he stared pitifully back at his mother.

  “And just what do you intend to do about all this?” Maddie gestured toward the room.

  “Clean it up?” He smiled from the tub.

  “You better believe it. Out of the tub! Move!” She stepped inside, taking his hand so he wouldn’t fall as he marched his bare little bottom across the floor and out the door. “You know where the mop is—go get it.”

  She moved back inside, and got some towels and spread them across the floor, then moved back to the toilet and put down the lid. She sat down and pushed her hair back with her wrist because her hand had foam on it. When she looked back at Joe, she saw him leaning against the doorframe, laughter in his eyes as he watched her. Well, at least he didn’t have the slightly drunken haze that he had when she had opened the door for him. Her kids were enough to sober anyone up.

  “Mommy—I can’t find the mop,” Robby whined from the hall closet.

  “LOOK FOR IT!” She barked at him, then looked back at Joe. “And you think I could dump these two off on just anyone!”

  His laughter erupted as he took a step toward her, but once his shoe hit the water, he started on a slide, making her jump up to assist him. They both landed on the floor.

  “Are you all right?” he laughed at her.

  “I’ll survive.” She got to her feet and shoved a towel closer so he could secure a step. “But I’ll be completely gray by the time I’m thirty.”

  “I found it.” Robby ran back to them, pulling the mop behind him. “Mommy, you’re all wet. So are you,” he said, looking at Joe with wide eyes.

  “Go to it,” Maddie told the boy. She watched as he made a gallant effort to clean up the floor, but she knew it was too much for him to handle at his age. She waited until he made his fifth trip to the toilet to wring out the mop, then took it from him.

  “Is it done right, now?” he asked solemnly as he looked up at her.

  “Good enough for now. Get in the tub so I can rinse you off. Jackie, come here,” she called her other son and motioned for him to strip then get in the tub with his brother as she handed each a washcloth. “Cover your eyes and stand under the shower.”

  She let a stream of warm water flow over them, then turned off the faucet and opened the drain as she wrapped them in huge soft towels, helping Jackie out first, then lifting Robby and starting for the door. But Joe stepped in her way.

  “How about if I take care of him and you finish in here?”

  “I think that’s the best offer I’ve had all day,” she sighed, then turned her attention to Robby. “No cartoons tomorrow morning—and break out the cash for a new can of shaving cream tomorrow afternoon.”

  “All—right.” His hand came up to his head as he leaned his elbow on Joe’s shoulder. “She gets awful mean sometimes.”

  “Oh, she does, does she? You didn’t do anything to deserve your punishment though, did you?” Joe asked as they went across the hall.

  Maddie listened to them as she sopped up the water with the towels then tossed them into the tub. Most of the water was cleaned up by the time she finished with the last towel, so she got to her feet to get the mop, but she found Joe already there, mopping that end of the bathroom.

  “You do this very well—maybe I’ll hire you,” Maddie smiled at him.

  “Full time?” He continued with the chore until he worked her into the corner.

  “Nope. Can’t afford the benefits.” She took the mop and finished the small area where she was standing, then turned off the light and went to put the mop back in the closet. “I hope the lack of noise from in there is telling me they are both dry, in their pajamas and in bed.”

  “That’s where they went. I couldn’t tell ya if they stayed there or not.”

  Maddie put her finger to her lips, then quietly walked back toward the boys’ door.

  “Ah-hah! You can’t watch cartoons tomorrow!” Jackie teased his brother.

  “Well neither can you.”

  “I’ll go up to Gram’s and watch them. Boy, are you dumb. Didn’t I tell you not to spray that stuff at me? You never listen. Now you have to buy her a new can—with your own money.” There was a sound of something hitting the wall, then Jackie’s chuckle. “Sore head!”

  When Maddie pushed the door open, she saw Robby standing at the head of his bed and a teddy bear against the wall on Jackie’s side of the room. Robby’s tongue was sticking out as he grabbed another stuffed toy to sail at Jackie.

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. With your luck you’ll knock over a lamp and your bank will be left empty,” Maddie warned.

  Robby turned to look at her, then dove under the sheet. “Is he paying for the frame?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll t
hink about it.”

  “That’s not fair. That was an accident!” Jackie spoke up.

  “You weren’t supposed to be throwing the ball in the house in the first place. Now both of you—get to sleep.” She pulled the door nearly closed, then waited for what she knew would follow.

  “Nice going! You’re so dumb!” Jackie whispered at his brother, then the other toy landed against the wall.

  “One more sound—just one more sound and no TV at all for a week for either of you,” Maddie said sternly, then walked away, expecting the chaos to settle down. She went back toward the kitchen, going to the refrigerator and pouring herself a small glass of orange juice. “You want some?”

  “Juice? No, I don’t want juice.” His hidden message was clear in his tone, but she refused to acknowledge it.

  She turned around and looked at him as she drank from her glass. She wished he would go home. It was all right when the children were with them, but now she didn’t know what to say to him. He was looking at her that way again, and she wanted to climb into the hall closet and hide. How could he look at her like that when he was seeing her at her worst? Her hair was wet in the back, and by now it was probably tangled as well. Her robe was wet and the only bits of makeup were traces of mascara she hadn’t had time to remove.

  “Well, I’ve got those towels to get in the washer before they mildew.” She put down the glass and walked around him, going to the bathroom for the towels and taking them back through the kitchen to the washing machine.

  She took her time about setting up the washer. If she waited long enough, perhaps he would leave by the time she finished. But, when she went back through the house, she found him standing at the boys’ bedroom door, silently leaning against the doorframe as he looked at them. When she approached to see if they were still awake, he pulled her against him, his arms going around her as his hands lay across her stomach.