My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  He pushed himself to his feet. He had wasted enough time today, and he still hadn’t gone up to get the rest of his belongings. He might as well do it now and get it over with.

  Joe was about to pull up Maddie’s driveway when he saw his sons walking down the pathway from their grandparents’ home. He let the truck idle on the blacktop while he watched them. Jackie with his tall seven and a half-year-old body held in a superior position as he walked with his hands shoved into his jacket pockets. He played the role of big brother well. Robby on the other hand stopped frequently, holding his head back with opened mouth to taste the falling snowflakes, then running to catch up with his brother. Joe watched as Robby called something to the older boy, making him stop to watch. Jackie’s smile showed Joe that he loved his brother as much as one boy was capable of loving another. His eyes actually seemed to sparkle as he watched Robby try to catch the flakes, then join in trying himself. But after only a few tries he tired of the game and turned back for his home, calling something over his shoulder that made the younger boy run up to join him.

  Joe drove up the driveway unnoticed, pulling up to the house as the door closed behind the boys. As he walked to the door, he paused, plainly hearing the conversation from inside.

  “What happened?!” Jackie spoke with stern surprise.

  “Nothing. Why don’t you go start your homework?” Maddie answered.

  “Who banged up the safe? And the wall? And look at your files! They look like someone pulled them all out and then dumped them back in the drawers any old way!” Jackie rushed over to the safe to see that the lock had been broken as Joe quietly opened the door, watching them. “My birth certificate! And Robby’s! Who did it?! Did he do it?! Does he know? Did you tell him?!”

  “If you mean did I do it,” Joe closed the door, bringing Maddie’s and Jackie’s gaze to him immediately, “then yes, I did. And yes, I know. And no, she didn’t tell me.”

  “You had no right to do this! This is my mother’s! You had no right to ruin it!” Jackie blurted at his father.

  “Well you’re mine! And your mother had no right to ruin you either—but it was done!” Joe returned harshly.

  “Jackie, maybe you’d better go to your room now.” Maddie got up from her knees in front of the couch where she had been sorting through her files, using the couch as a long table, the coffee table behind her was already covered with documents.

  “And maybe he better not,” Joe said stubbornly, noticing she had covered a good portion of her bruised face with make-up and keeping the lights dim to cover the rest.

  “He has his homework to finish.”

  “He’ll finish it down at my place.”

  “No I won’t! I ain’t going to your place!” Jackie said.

  Joe’s eyes moved slowly until he was staring at the boy with an intensity that matched his son’s. “I take it from your previous remarks that you know fully well I’m your father, and have known for some time. It’s clear to me you get your corrupted manner from your mother. She’s had seven and a half years to turn you into what you are now—grant me a few hours tonight and the weekends coming up to try to change what she’s done to you.”

  “You go to hell, ya rotten bastard!” Jackie tried to stomp past him, but Joe caught him by the arm and stopped him.

  “Wrong. I was conceived and born when my parents were married. You on the other hand . . .”

  “Joe! Knock it off!” Maddie rushed toward them and pulled Jackie from his grasp. “Don’t you touch him!”

  “Daddy!” Robby rushed from the hall leading to the bedroom and bathroom, jumping up into Joe’s arms as he reached him. “Did you see? It’s snowing! Can we go out and build a snowman today?”

  Joe was turned from Maddie and Jackie as he held Robby in his arms and was very glad of it; never had he felt so betrayed in his life. God, they were trying to annihilate him, and yet here was his only ray of light; his youngest son that he held in his arms. He walked with him back to the privacy of Maddie’s bedroom, his eyes burning with unshed tears. His arms were around the boy, his head bent to touch his; the strong hug delighting the boy and giving Joe the only thing left he could find to hold onto.

  “Do you want to go down to my place tonight?” Joe finally asked.

  “Can we visit Gram?”

  “Sure we can.” Joe tried to smile at him.

  “Is Mommy coming along too? She doesn’t usually sleep down there. Is she gonna sleep down there tonight?”

  Joe sat on the end of the bed and held him on his lap. “No. She won’t be coming down. And I won’t be coming up here to sleep anymore.”

  “Why not? Don’t you like us anymore?”

  “I love you and your brother more than I thought was possible. Robby,” He turned him on his lap until he was facing him completely. “I’ve got something important to tell you and a few questions to ask. First—I—you’re—Robby, do you remember being told that a man named Bob Green was you father?”

  “Uh-huh. His name was the same as mine.”

  “Almost. His name was Robert Green too, but he didn’t have a middle name like you do. Do you know what your middle name is?” Joe received a negative shake of his head. “It’s Daniel. Just like mine. And just like my father’s.”

  “Your name’s Joe,” Robby told him doubtfully.

  “My name’s Joseph Daniel McNier. Your name is Robert Daniel Green. Robby, what I’m trying to tell you, and not doing such a hot job of it, is that I’m your father—not Bob Green.”

  “Oh,” Robby told him simply. “So, now I can live with you, because you’re my father.”

  “Yes,” Joe sighed, finding the boy’s acceptance a relief, then deciding he should have expected as much. At nearly four years of age, proper titles mattered little. The boy had decided months ago he wanted Joe as his father, so it was nothing new to him. “And about living with me—do you want to live down at my house?”

  “Is Mommy going to live there with us?”

  “No. She wouldn’t be coming down, but you could visit her as much as you wanted.”

  “She wouldn’t live with us?” Robby’s lips began to quiver. “Then who would come chase away the monsters when they come at night?”

  Joe sighed heavily, then squeezed the child against his chest. “Okay, how about if you just spend the weekends with me? I promise, if there are any monsters down there—all you have to do is call out. How does that sound? Do you want to go down to the house with me now?”

  “Is Jackie coming?”

  “Yes. He goes whether he wants to or not. He’s at an age where he needs his father’s guidance—or at least his father’s attempt at guidance,” Joe told him, then smiled softly when he saw that the boy didn’t understand. “Never mind. Now for my last question. How would you like your name to be Robby McNier, instead of Robby Green? I want to give you my last name.”

  “Then what will your last name be?”

  Joe chuckled softly as he hugged the boy again, then stood up and moved to the bureau where he kept his clothes.

  “It’ll still be McNier. We’ll share it. You, me, Ollie, Felicia and Jackie. How about that? How does that sound?”

  “Okay.”

  Joe opened a drawer, then another and another before going to the closet to find them all empty. He took Robby’s hand and went back to the living room where Maddie was kneeling on the floor again while Jackie stood near the door with his jacket on and his books and extra sets of clothing in his hands. Jackie looked up at him with an anger that seethed; Maddie only glanced at him before putting the paper she was holding on the proper pile.

  “Where are all my things?” Joe asked.

  “Right there by the door,” said Maddie without looking at him.

  “They aren’t my suitcases,” he said stiffly.

  “You may borrow them. Just as you may borrow my sons for the evening.”

  “Right,” he said irritably. “I see you wasted no time packing me up.”

  “Not afte
r last night. Anyway, you told me you were leaving. I saw no need to prolong the inevitable.”

  He turned to look at Robby. “Go get your coat and some pajamas.”

  “His coat is right there. His pajamas are in one of the cases.” Maddie got to her feet and walked to her sons, helping her youngest put on his jacket.

  “Guess what, Mommy. Daddy’s giving me his name. He said he’d share it with me and Jackie.”

  “What name?!” Jackie asked.

  “McNier,” Robby beamed at him.

  “I don’t want it,” Jackie said flatly. “And I don’t want Green either. If you have to change my name, why can’t it be Baker?”

  “You’d like that wouldn’t ya? Then you’d only have my first name. Ya might as well forget it, kid—I’m your father and there’s no way out of it. You’ve got my blood running through your veins, no matter how much you don’t want it.”

  “Do you plan on taking him down to your house to bully him like this?” Maddie interrupted, an anger lighting her dark eyes as she stood opposite him. “You can stop taking it out on him right now. He didn’t have anything to do with it, and he only found out himself last month. So just lay off of him or you can forget your intentions to transform him from the evilness you evidently think I’ve put into him. He won’t be going down at all.”

  “Don’t count on it. He’s mine now—if only for the weekends.” Joe picked up the cases and started toward the door. “Out to the truck, you two.”

  “Joe!” Maddie was angry, an anger she unsuccessfully tried to conceal. “Jackie and Robby—go out to the truck a while. And Jackie, you remember what I told you!” She stepped in front of Joe. “You can wait a minute longer though.”

  Joe watched his sons leave the house, then looked down at the stubborn, proud figure standing before him. If he didn’t have his hands full, he wasn’t sure what he would have done to her at that moment. Standing before him as she was, dressed in jeans and an oversized flannel shirt opened at the throat, she was the picture of the woman he was in love with—the woman he loved to touch and hold. But knowing that created an anger at himself. So, he really wasn’t positive of what his actions would be—take her in his arms, or throttle her.

  “You wanted something?” he finally asked.

  “I mean it, Joe! Don’t take Jackie down there just to punish him for being your son! You did your share of punishing last night! I won’t have you abusing that child—either physically or emotionally! And believe me when I tell you I’ll be well informed after he comes home!”

  “Come off it, Maddie!! What do ya think I’m gonna do?! Take him down there and beat the hell outta him?!”

  “I don’t know! Not after last night!”

  He stared at her a long moment. “I won’t touch the boy.” He tried to go for the door again, but she side-stepped in front of him. “Was there something else?”

  “I want to know what Robby was talking about. Do you intend to take legal action to adopt them and change their names?”

  “I want them, and I sure as hell don’t want them with Bob’s name. The rotten son-of-a-bitch may have thought he had the last laugh, but I’m getting them back, and they’re going to carry as much of my name as they can. Since I’ve already been denied the luxury of a Junior I’ll have to make the best of it.”

  “What did you expect? Name him Joseph Daniel Junior, when I was married to a man named Robert? That wouldn’t exactly have been appropriate.”

  “It would have been truthful!” he yelled at her, then clenched his teeth as he looked at her and tried to pass her again. “But then that’s a subject you seem to need lessons in.” As he reached for the doorknob, she stood in front of him again. “Now what?!”

  “I just wanted to make something clear to you.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like what happened last night. I’ll only say this once and you better listen, because it’ll never be said again. Right now, I’m taking it for granted it will never happen again. But—if it does—one more time and you’ll never hear me speak to you again, and you’ll land in jail.”

  He watched her speak, her head held defiantly as her dark eyes stared at him.

  “I’m not in the habit of behaving as I did yesterday,” he said so stiffly that his jaws ached.

  “I know that. I also know you’ve got a hot temper. You can usually keep it under control. And I can understand you were taken to the limit yesterday. But, as I said, I’ll have no more of it.”

  “Tell Tom to be down for the boys before I leave for work.”

  This time he made it through the doorway as she stepped aside. He knew she had to say what she just did, but still it bothered him. She was supposed to know him. She was supposed to love him and trust him. His belief in any such things was massacred these past two days. So, she said it—he listened—it was done and over with, and he had left without responding. But then he doubted that she expected a response.

  He sat in his truck and glanced over at the two boys. His chest seemed to swell as he watched them. They certainly were handsome boys—and they were his. Intelligent, funny, and headstrong. Every bit their parents’ children, he thought with a smile that faded even before it settled on his lips.

  What the hell was he doing? He didn’t have this in mind when he came up to Maddie’s house. He had only come up for his clothes and belongings. Well, they certainly were his belongings. But still, he didn’t even have his home prepared for them. He didn’t know where they would sleep. Both had shared a bedroom; he didn’t think they would like sleeping in separate rooms, but there were only single beds in each of his other children’s bedrooms. He knew his impulsive decision was only another jab to hurt Maddie. He sighed deeply as he started the truck and turned it around, heading back toward his house. Well, he’d think of something. They’d have proper sleeping arrangements that night; he’d see to it.

  CHAPTER XXXIII

  NOVEMBER 1984

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  November 1984

  “Jackie, keep that coat on.” Maddie followed Robby through her mother’s front door.

  “But it’s hot, and we’re going inside anyway.”

  “We’re not staying long. Gram wants to go over to Lew’s. You know that.”

  “Gram! You ready? I am! We’re going over to see Uncle Lew!” Robby ran up to the older woman waiting at the kitchen table.

  “I know,” Sarah laughed as she gathered the boy into her arms for his welcoming kiss. “You seem excited about it.”

  “I had to practically lock them in the house when they found out they were going to Lew’s with you. They could barely wait until I got ready.” Maddie watched as Jackie moved to stand behind Sarah and rest his arms over her shoulders in a loose hug.

  “Well, we’ll be leaving as soon as Joe gets here,” Sarah told her.

  “Joe?” Maddie asked stiffly. “What does he have to do with it?”

  “He’s taking us.”

  “Does he know it?”

  “He knows Jackie and Robby are going, but he doesn’t know about you yet. There’s no getting out of it now, Maddie. You’ve avoided each other like the plague for the last month. If you plan on sharing this baby with him—you better get used to spending time with him again. The baby won’t be as easy to ship back and forth as these two.”

  “You know about the baby?” Robby beamed up at his grandmother. “Mommy told us all about it today. It’s little—and in h
er belly—right now—today!”

  “Is it? Well, how about that. What are you going to do about it?” Sarah went along with his enthusiasm.

  “I don’t know,” he answered in confusion, then looked back to Maddie. “Am I supposed to do something?”

  Maddie laughed as she picked him up and moved to a neighboring chair. “No. Not really. Just be patient and wait.”

  “Yeah, gotta wait because it isn’t done yet. It’ll take a while ‘fore it comes out for me.”

  “How about you, Jackie? Are you anxious?” Sarah looked over her shoulder at him.

  “I don’t know. I guess. Mom says I can hold it if I sit on the couch. Feed it too.” He rested his head on her shoulder as he watched his mother. “Is its name going to be McNier as soon as it’s born? Or will Joe change it like he’s going to with me and Robby?”