My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “Joe?” Sarah asked. “You’ve been down with him four weekends now—why aren’t you calling him Dad yet?”

  “Five weekends,” Jackie corrected. “I don’t know. Where’s Pap?”

  “In the room,” Sarah told him, then watched as the older boy turned and went in with his grandfather. “So—are you going to answer my question?”

  “What question was that?” Maddie asked.

  “About avoiding Joe.”

  “I didn’t know that was a question. It sounded like a statement to me. But—I’m not the one doing the avoiding anymore. If you recall, the only time I see him is when he’s up here. And even then, he gets up and leaves as soon as he sees me coming. I told you what would happen if you told him.”

  “I’ll say I’m sorry he left you, but I’m not sorry he found out. He’s going through a lot of pain right now. Once that’s over, he’ll be free to love those boys the way I know he wants to.”

  “Sometimes I swear he’s your child—not me,” Maddie sighed.

  “Why? Because I told you he’s going through a rough time of it?”

  “No.” Maddie paused, still hiding the fact that anything physical had happened that night. As far as her mother and the rest of her family knew, she and Joe had merely argued, then agreed that he should move back to his own home. “Because you neglected to say I was going through a rough time of it for eight years.”

  “Well I didn’t think I had to tell you that. You already knew it,” Sarah smiled gently.

  “I already know what he’s going through too. I haven’t been sitting at home for five weeks just thinking of what was happening to me. I know it’s hard for him now. But there’s little I can do about it if he won’t let me. And I can’t help but wonder if the only things going through his mind are his feelings.”

  “Daddy!” Robby jumped off Maddie’s lap as the door pushed open and hid Maddie from the man’s view.

  “Robby!” Joe mimicked the youngster before swinging him up into his arms.

  “Guess what! Mommy’s got a baby! Right here!” He pointed to his stomach. “It’s there—right now! Today!”

  “Does she? Well what is it? he asked in a light, joking tone.

  “A baby! I told you!”

  “Oh,” Joe laughed. “I guess you did. Where’s your brother?”

  “In the room with Pap.”

  “Well, go get him. Tell him we’re ready.” Joe put Robby on the floor and watched him run into the room before looking at Sarah. “You ready?”

  “As soon as Jackie gets out here, but until then, close the door. We’re not heating the outside, ya know.”

  He closed the door, catching sight of Maddie. She watched the mixture of emotions flow through his eyes before he masked them and turned away. The anger, the pain, and the sadness made her own eyes drop away as she looked back at her mother.

  “I think we can all fit into my car, don’t you, Joey?” Sarah asked.

  “Where’s your keys?” he asked flatly.

  “Right here.” She nodded toward the table, prompting him to grab them and turn back toward the door.

  “I’ll be waiting in the car.”

  “See,” Sarah said after the door closed behind him, “that went smoothly.”

  “Come on, boys,” Maddie sighed. “Time to go.”

  Maddie rode in the back seat of the car. She had the distinct feeling today wasn’t going to be one of her better visits with Lew and Janet. In the rearview mirror she’d catch glances Joe would send her, but whenever their eyes met, he’d glance back at the road in front of him.

  “Mommy, look!” Robby stood up on the seat beside her, pointing out the window on his brother’s side of the seat. “Is that where I’ll go to school?”

  “Yes.” She quickly pulled him back down on the seat and refastened the seat belt.

  “That’s where Jackie goes?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Is that where you went?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Daddy?”

  “Yes. And your uncles too.”

  “Uncle Lew?”

  “I don’t know. Mom, did Lew go to school there?” Maddie asked her mother.

  “For a year or two. We both did,” Sarah answered.

  “Why’d you go there?” Jackie asked. “You lived in town. Why didn’t you go to a school in town?”

  “We lived on the other side of the bridge. Once you cross that bridge, you aren’t in city limits anymore,” Sarah explained.

  “Did you walk all that way?”

  “No. A bus came around for us.”

  “Like the one Jackie rides?” Robby asked.

  “Sort of,” Sarah smiled. “Except mine was about fifty years older.”

  “Look!” Robby was on his feet again, pointing out Maddie’s window this time. “That’s the vets! I know ‘cause I went with John when he picked up Jenna’s cat. It got fixed.”

  “That’s nice.” Maddie put him back in his seat again. “Now sit down.”

  “You don’t even know what fixed means,” Jackie said to his brother.

  “Yes I do. John told me.”

  “Then what does it mean?”

  “He can’t have no more babies. They fixed him,” Robby told him smartly.

  “It’s a her. So how’d they fix her? Bet ya don’t now that,” Jackie taunted him.

  “Do so,” Robby told him smartly. “I saw the scar. They cut off his boobs. Now he can’t have no more babies.”

  “They didn’t cut off his boobs.” Jackie laughed at his brother. “I mean her boobs. You boob.”

  “If they cut off your boobs, Mommy, will that mean you won’t be able to have any more babies?” Robby turned to look at Maddie, making Jackie laugh harder.

  “I think you have your facts mixed up a little,” Maddie told him. “I’ll explain it to you when we get home.”

  “Can’t go home. Remember? We have to go down with Daddy tonight.”

  “Then he’ll explain it to you,” she told him.

  “Mommy, can we stop for an . . . ,” Robby started quickly upon sight of the ice cream stand that had been closed for two and a half months, since Labor Day, but his comment slowed down as his father drove past it, “ . . . ice cream?”

  “They won’t be open again until next spring,” Maddie told him. “Not until almost summer.”

  “Why? Don’t people eat ice cream in the winter?”

  “Not as much as they do in the summer. So they close down until the busy season,” Maddie explained.

  “I eat it in the winter,” he moped, but his face brightened when he spied the large building coming up on Maddie’s side. His hands released the buckle to the seat belt as he scrambled to his feet, taking a step over her that sent his knee roughly against her stomach and bringing a soft groan from her. “What’s that?!”

  “ROBERT! SIT DOWN! NOW!” Joe’s loud command put the boy in his seat faster than Maddie’s hands had been able to during the entire trip. “Now buckle it! And keep it that way until we’re at Lew’s!”

  “All right,” Robby said irritably, then turned and looked at his brother who was hiding his laughter behind his hand. “You shut up!”

  “I didn’t say anything.” Jackie’s laughter became too much for him to successfully contain.

  “You’re laughing!”

  “Well it’s not every day you get yelled at. You should have seen your eyes! They bulged!” Jackie tried hard to keep his laughter inside.

  “Like this?” Robby’s fingers moved to his eyes, forcing them open as he leaned toward his brother and joined his laughter.

  Maddie turned in her seat, not daring to look up front. She knew she was the cause for Robby being scolded—or the baby she was carrying, anyway. She sat silently watching her sons teasing one another, knowing the boy had done no real damage, just a moment’s discomfort. They would be at Lew’s soon, so she remained seated as she was, with her head leaning against the back of the seat, letting her sons’ comments
amuse her.

  Joe parked the car next to the house, getting out and leaving his door open for Jackie and Robby to hop out behind him and chase one another down the dirt road. He then strode to the passenger’s side of the car where Sarah’s door was just opening. Maddie watched as he held his hand out to her mother, helping her from the car. As she pushed the seat forward and started to get out herself, she stopped immediately, shocked to see Joe’s hand before her. He was waiting for her to take it and be assisted as her mother had been. She wasn’t sure how long she sat staring at that hand, but when she finally looked up at him, his expression told her she was taking far too long to decide. Her hand went to his quickly, grasping at its strength and allowing it to pull her from the awkward position in the back seat. But once she was standing outside on the muddy surface, he turned away and walked behind Sarah until she was safely inside the house. Maddie entered behind Joe as Lew made his way from the living room to the kitchen with a calm concentration, careful of his footing with the crutches.

  “Can you make it?” Sarah stood close to his chair, holding it steady as he sat down.

  “Yeah. I made it. Christ, you and me are about ready for the nursing home, Sarah.”

  “Maybe me. But you? I wish I were as old as you. You’re still a baby, not even fifty yet.”

  “Forty-nine and a half.” He leaned an arm on the handgrip of his crutches, then looked up at Maddie and Joe. “You two? Ain’t yins married yet?”

  “Never live to see it,” Joe mumbled as he walked past the man to the living room where he lit a cigarette and sat in the chair Lew had vacated.

  “No. Probably won’t. Not at the rate you two are going anyway,” Lew said over his shoulder. “What’s the matter with him?”

  “Same thing,” Sarah said as she sat in a chair between Lew and Janet.

  “Lew! What happened?! Did you break your leg?” Robby ran from outside, stopping quickly to gaze at the crutches his great-uncle was holding.

  “No. I broke my foot. I broke it right off. See?” He pointed to the half of a foot that was left on the end of his leg, still wrapped in Ace bandage.

  “Did you?” Robby asked breathlessly as he gazed up at him through huge eyes.

  “No, he didn’t,” Jackie laughed, moving to stand next to Lew.

  “What happened? Mommy, look! His one foot’s shorter than his other one!”

  “Ya know that dragon I said I keep out under the porch?” Lew asked seriously.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, Janet forgot to feed him while I was in the hospital last summer. I came home and he bit my foot right off. I was lucky though—he gave half of it back to me.”

  “Did he? Come on, Jackie! Let’s go look for him!!” Robby grabbed his older brother’s hand and started to run for the door.

  “No,” Jackie laughed again.

  “But, Jackie . . .”

  “Robby, you didn’t tell Lew about the visitor you’re getting in a few months,” Sarah told her grandson, stopping him as he looked up at her through confused eyes.

  “What visitor?” he asked.

  “The baby,” Sarah reminded him.

  “But she’s gonna live with us. She isn’t going to be a visitor,” he told her, then went back to Lew. “Guess what?”

  “Your mom’s gonna have a baby boy,” Lew smiled down at him.

  “Is she?!” Robby’s eyes grew again, bringing laughter to his uncle.

  “I don’t know. You said she was gonna have a girl—so I thought I’d even the odds a bit.”

  “She’s got a baby in her belly.”

  “Well, how did she do that?” Lew looked at the child as if totally confused.

  Robby’s smile faded as he looked back at his uncle. “I—I don’t know. Mommy, how’d you put it in there?”

  “Thanks, Lew,” Maddie breathed.

  “Maybe I can tell ya,” Lew laughed. “Your dad put it in there.”

  “Why?”

  “Why?” Lew’s laughter rolled. “Because he didn’t have any place else to put it.”

  “But how’d he do it? How’d he put a baby in her belly?”

  “Simple. He pulled up her shirt and spit it in her bellybutton.”

  “Ewww! Daddy! Daddy!” Robby ran into the room with Joe. “Did you?!”

  “Did I what?” Joe picked the boy up and sat him on his lap.

  “Did you spit in Mommy’s bellybutton?!”

  “I think Lew’s spinning another one of his tales again.” Joe put out his cigarette then came back to the kitchen with the boy in his arms. “What are you telling my kids, Lew?”

  “The same thing I told you—only you were ten years old—and you still believed it. Maddie says it took another seventeen years before she finally taught ya that it wasn’t spit that ya go around sticking in bellybuttons.”

  “Don’t worry, Joe,” Janet spoke up. “It wasn’t until after our fourth baby that he finally realized what kept making me pregnant.”

  “Yeah, and once I found out, I decided to try it out two more times just to be sure she was right,” Lew agreed.

  “What are you doing here, Meatball?” That fourth baby they had just mentioned came from the living room and stood in the doorway behind Joe.

  “He came in to see the dragon under the porch,” Lew told his fourth son, who was now twenty-one years old with a physique that was outstanding.

  “You can’t see it unless it comes out to eat,” The young man explained to Robby. “I know—lets take your mom out and let it have her for supper.”

  “Mike,” Maddie told him. “why don’t you go out and let it chew on you a while?”

  “Nope. I’m staying out here with my company now.” His hands were, as always, much quicker than Maddie’s eyes as they grabbed a leg and he started back across the kitchen with her. Maddie had little choice but to follow, awkwardly hopping on one foot as he continued his walk toward Joe.

  “Mike!” His speedy retreat was making her lose her balance as she neared Joe, finally taking her foot so high it was impossible to remain standing. She grabbed onto the closest thing that could hold her weight—Joe’s waist. “You little prick! Let me go!”

  “Little?! I’m six inches taller than you,” Mike corrected her.

  “And eighty pounds fatter.” Her hands slipped until they held onto the waistband of Joe’s pants.

  “That’s not fat. That’s muscle.”

  “All right, Mike. That’s enough. She’s pregnant, ya know,” Lew said sternly.

  “Pregnant?” Mike looked quickly up at Joe, and upon seeing his slight nod of head, gently put his cousin on the floor.

  “Mommy! Go get him!” Robby said from where he clutched Joe around the neck.

  “No. Mommy’s going to go sit down a while,” Joe said flatly, inconspicuously moving to stand between Maddie and Mike.

  “Well, I’ll get him!” Robby threw a punch at the young man behind him. Mike saw it coming and stepped aside.

  “Watch it, punk! I’ll take ya in the room and beat the crap outta ya!” Mike teased the boy as he held up his fists.

  “You leave Mommy alone!”

  “Yeah?! You gonna make me?!”

  “Yes.” He threw another punch before Joe stood him on the floor.

  “Go get him, Tiger.” Joe looked down to where Maddie was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with her legs drawn up Indian-style. She was busy watching both her sons chase Mike in the room where they started wrestling with him; then she glanced up to see the odd way Joe was looking at her. She looked down at the area he was staring at so, seeing the smallest of bulges sticking out from beneath her blouse. Since her small gain of weight, she had been unable to fit into her usual pants. The bulge was evident the way she was sitting, pressing the new form against the stretchy material at the front of her maternity pants.

  “You going to sit there all day?” He finally said as he extended his hand to her. “Or get up and sit at the table and pretend you’re a somewhat normal pers
on.”

  She slapped his hand aside, getting up without the use of her own hands or his. “When your little mistake here gets too big for me to get up by myself—I’ll let you know.”

  She shouldn’t have said that. Mistake or not, she wanted this baby. She loved babies, loved having them; never considering them mistakes anymore, but gifts. It was a reflex comment brought on by what he had said, knowing it wasn’t her actions there today he was referring to. And the truth was, she no sooner had the words out, than her brief spark of anger had passed. But from the way he forced a smile and tilted his head toward her, she knew it hadn’t passed quite so quickly for him.

  “Whatever you say.”

  “Jackie!” Lew called over his shoulder to the boy as Mike tossed him onto the couch in the living room. “How about a game of checkers?”

  “All right.” The boy jumped off the couch.

  “Tell Mike to get the game for ya and bring it out here.” Lew looked up at Maddie and Joe. “If you want a seat, brat, ya better grab it before Jackie comes out. You can hold him on your lap—that is if you still have a lap left.”

  “I’m not that big yet.” Maddie turned from Joe and smiled at Lew, then moved between the table and wall to take a seat. “C’mon, Jackie. Let’s see if you can beat Uncle Lew.”

  Maddie sat silently through the rest of the visit, only speaking when called upon to do so. Her mind didn’t stay long with the games, her eyes straying to the man either leaning against the wall or kneeling near the sink. So much had happened over the past five weeks—and so little.

  That first night the boys had spent with Joe, he had put each of them into a single bed, Jackie in Ollie’s and Robby in Felicia’s. By morning though, Robby was snuggled against Joe in his bedroom. Robby had explained it to Maddie by telling her of the nine-foot-long eel coiled beneath Felicia’s bed.

  By the following weekend Joe had installed a set of bunk beds in Ollie’s room, along with the single bed. Now all four children could sleep comfortably. Felicia and Ollie took the news of their brothers well, but then Maddie suspected that Felicia had known it all along. It was Ollie she wasn’t sure about, but, by the time they returned from their second weekend with their father, Jackie told Maddie that Ollie enjoyed having someone in his room to talk to at night. All the years he had spent at his grandparents’ home he had slept alone.