My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “You two ready?” he finally asked.

  “As soon as Tom gets down here,” Sarah told him.

  “Then he’s going with us?”

  “Mm-hmm. He can drive if you like,” Sarah told him. “Then you can sit in the back with Maddie.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Joe picked up his jacket and pulled it on, then reached for Sarah’s coat, holding it for her as she slipped her arms into the sleeves.

  “Are you two leaving now?” Sarah asked Beth.

  “We thought we’d follow you out.”

  “I’m ready.” Tom came down the steps toward them.

  “You driving?” Joe helped Maddie with her coat.

  “I can.” Tom pulled a pair of gloves out of his pockets, knowing the touch of the steering wheel would nearly burn him with its coldness.

  “What’s this?” Sarah asked Joe. “You struck with a sudden surge of manners? I can understand you helping me with my coat. I’m so fat I can’t get into it alone anymore. But Maddie? I never saw you hold her coat for her before.”

  “Mom, you look great,” Joe smiled over at Sarah as he reached a hand out and placed it on Maddie’s stomach. “Maddie was having a little trouble there too. I think size does have something to do with it in this case.”

  “Ya better watch it there, Irish.” Maddie eyed him as she pulled on her gloves. “You did this to me.”

  “Yeah, I did,” he boasted with a twinkle.

  “Put your gloves on,” she told him as she started for the door.

  The soft coughing from the front of the room indicated the minister was ready to begin his sermon. Joe caught sight of many of the people changing position in their seats, an agitated movement. He was probably as guilty as the rest. He didn’t like the idea of hearing a sermon over Lew, but as the minister began to speak Joe was surprised. He spoke of Lew’s characteristics that everyone knew existed but took for granted. He spoke of his great willingness to give when others were in need, even though financially he was a very poor man himself. He spoke of the great wealth Lew possessed in friendships, to young and old, to rich and poor. Joe glanced around the room, the tightness in his throat making it ache and the stinging in his eyes, forcing back unshed tears that had been long gathering. This funeral most certainly wasn’t restricted to the people of Lew’s age. People of all ages were there, crying for the man they held dear to their hearts. It wasn’t restricted to Lew’s economic level. He saw clothes that reflected people’s income—many near the patching point, many expensive furs, and many in-between.

  By now Joe saw Maddie wiping her eyes frequently, tears she thought she had cried out, coming on again, full force. Joe listened as the minister talked of Lew being a superb Christian, his love of life and people of all types proving he cherished the gift God had given him. He talked on and on, but somehow it wasn’t tiring. How many times did he come back to the point that Lew’s enormous heart outshone any obstacle his life might have faced. How many times did he say that Lew was loved by many—appreciated by many—needed and cherished by many? The sobbing was coming louder now, many people wiping eyes and noses—not only the women anymore.

  ‘Lew—dammit! Just what in the hell are we supposed to do now? How can we live a sane life anymore without your laughter?!’ Joe’s teeth were clenched as he held Maddie’s hand tightly. Another point the minister admired—Lew’s ability to see trouble and need in other people and make them smile and laugh. ‘Where are you now Lew. Come make me smile. Make me laugh.’ Joe winced with the emotional pain he was battling.

  The minister finally came out from behind his podium after a short prayer for Lew’s soul (making it clear though, Lew would have no problem getting beyond those blessed gates). He bent to take Janet’s hand, then moved down the line of seats and into the next row, extending his condolences to Lew’s children, his daughters-in-law, and his grandchildren. His next stop went to Sarah, but she hardly seemed to notice him, then on to the two remaining sisters and Lew’s brother. As the minister walked from the room, Joe watched the funeral director prompting the people in the other section of seats to go up to see Lew, then return to their cars for the procession to the cemetery.

  “I—I’m going out to start the car,” came Tom’s stiff voice as he quickly escaped past John and Beth, and Maddie and Joe, his eyes red and blurry and a wetness glistening on his cheeks as he went out a back door without going forward to see his mentor.

  People went up to see Lew from behind Joe and Maddie. People of all ages were weeping, devastated over the loss of this man. Finally the director came to Joe’s chair, but, as he started to rise, the man spoke to him.

  “If you prefer to accompany your mother up to see her brother, you may stay behind and wait until it’s her turn.”

  Maddie’s hand on Joe’s arm told him that’s what they would do. A few more rows of Maddie’s cousins, then it was Lew’s brother’s and sisters’ turn. Joe rose, taking Maddie’s arm as he started toward Sarah. He placed himself in front of Sarah as John and Beth stayed behind. He had an idea, as he stood at the casket, that Maddie had little control over her emotions at that moment. He looked back to Sarah, stone-faced as she followed him, refusing to look at Lew yet. He glanced back at Lew’s family. The youngest girl was crying uncontrollably as one of her older brothers tried to comfort her. The next daughter sat with her boyfriend, a combination of calm and agitation on her face as she watched the people before her, her eyes avoiding her father. Twenty-one-year-old Mike was watching the floor as if it were all a dream. Wayne, twenty-three, the handsomest of the four sons and looking exactly like his father at that age, sat with clenched teeth as he stared straight ahead, his girlfriend watching him intently as a muscle occasionally jumped along his jaw line. And Lewis, only twenty days younger than Maddie, simply looked up at him and smiled reassuringly.

  Joe looked at the three people ahead of him as they stood over their brother. The two oldest bent slightly as they said farewell. The oldest sister, Marie, with her husband standing behind her, and Harry’s wife standing somewhere off to the side. Marie was crying in breathless sobs, holding and rubbing Lew’s hand. Harry tried to remain stiff as he stared at the brother eighteen years younger than himself. Lew’s youngest sister, Jane, stood to the rear of the group, an expression of anger covering her face as she stared at Lew; then quickly she stepped forward, squeezed his hand, and left.

  As Maddie and Joe stepped up to Lew, she leaned over her uncle and kissed his forehead. As she straightened, Joe heard a voice, distant, but distinct: ‘You two?! Ain’t yins married yet?!’ Then that soft chuckling. Joe might have put it off as his imagination, but Maddie’s words between her tears made him think twice.

  “No, not yet.” Her left hand lifted slightly, as if to show her uncle. “But real soon.”

  Maddie took a step back, removing Joe’s hand from her arm and pushing it toward Sarah. Joe moved back, allowing Sarah to stand at her brother’s head. Her hand was shaking as she touched him, stroked his face then bent to give him a kiss.

  “You be good,” she told her brother. She bent and kissed him again, but this time, when she tried to straighten, her legs gave way and her sobbing finally flowed out. John grabbed one arm—Joe grabbed the other. “Oh, Lew,” she cried as she stood with their assistance, then turned back for the door.

  Her crying was coming harder, her weight coming onto Joe and John more and more. Joe knew she didn’t have any idea where she was or where she was going.

  “Sit her down here.” Maddie pulled over a chair when they reached the doorway to the foyer and her legs finally gave way completely.

  “Goodbye, Lew!” The older brother’s voice cracked loudly as he stood at the casket again. From the corner of Joe’s eye, he saw the man almost collapse as Sarah had, but the man’s sons hurried quickly to him from the foyer, where they had been waiting for him.

  “Here, give her a tissue,” Beth said, her face red and tear-stained as she tried to give her mother-in-law a tissue, but
Sarah pushed her hand away.

  “I got one!” she said angrily. “I’m okay. Just leave me alone!”

  Joe looked at Maddie as she sat next to her mother. Though her crying was still coming forcefully, she looked up at him and shook her head. They were to stay where they were. Sarah didn’t know what she was saying or doing—only striking out at those most convenient for the death of her baby brother.

  It took many minutes before Sarah’s crying turned into a heavy breathing she tried to control. Harry and Marie had already returned to their cars. The only people remaining in the room were Lew’s immediate family. Wayne seemed to be torn between his father and concern for his favorite aunt as he stood looking from one to the other.

  “You ready, Mom?” Maddie asked softly, making the woman turn in her seat and look at her as if she were unaware of her presence.

  “Yeah,” she gasped softly, then took a final look back toward Lew, but his family was standing around him, blocking her view. “I’m ready.”

  Joe and John each took a side of her as Maddie and Beth helped her with her coat then hurried ahead to open the doors. They placed her in her car next to Tom as he sat behind the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. Joe helped Maddie in, then watched as John and Beth moved back to their car. Being only a nephew, John’s car was four vehicles back; whereas, the car Joe was riding in was that of a sister and was directly behind the family car. As Joe watched Janet being escorted out to the limousine he could see she was sedated heavily.

  How long did it take for the hearse to finally drive out of the funeral home’s driveway to lead the long procession? Joe didn’t know, but it seemed an hour. He realized though, that it was really no longer than ten minutes. Sarah’s weeping was subsiding, she seemed to be gaining the control she had lost inside. Maddie was sitting next to him, leaning against him as he braced his arm around her, her crying turning to soft hiccoughs.

  “Now who’s going to teach our baby about laughter, Joe?” Maddie asked quietly through tears that started up again as Tom pulled onto the street, then out the highway toward the cemetery.

  “I don’t know,” he said softly as he gently kissed her forehead.

  They followed the hearse to a large cemetery that was only a few miles from the Baker house. His grave was at the very top of the cemetery, overlooking farms and forests. It was beautiful there. It was the veterans’ section of the cemetery. They watched as bearers carried his coffin from the hearse to the grave. Joe helped Sarah to her feet, then looked back at Maddie.

  Miraculously, the wind had died down and let the sun shine brightly. They all stood around the grave and the minister began his remarks, much the same as what he had said back at the funeral home, then ending with another short prayer. Maddie moved to stand to one side of her mother as Beth stood on the other, but it was her daughter’s hand that Sarah took, her daughter’s support that was not rejected. As John and Tom moved up to stand next to Joe, he heard a loud gasp. He turned to John, seeing his best friend’s final straw break as John moved quickly out of the group of people and back to his car where he stood facing the opposite direction. After a moment, Beth went to his side, allowing Joe to replace her position near Sarah. It wasn’t long before Tom moved away, going to Sarah’s car, where he stood with his back to the crowd, his shoulders heaving as he tried, just as unsuccessfully as his brother, to hide the sorrow he was feeling.

  All the crying and sobbing had returned, but, throughout the ceremony, the wind remained still, creating a warmth that was comforting. Finally the group began to disperse. Joe and Maddie walked Sarah back to her car, but they were stopped by her oldest sister.

  “Sarah.” Marie seemed to be trying not to cry, but, as she reached Sarah, everything broke loose and she wrapped her arms around her sister. “We lost our baby.”

  Sarah took a deep breath as she held one hand to her older sister’s back, patting it as if she were consoling a child. “Yes. We lost our baby. We lost our beautiful, black-haired, brown-eyed, baby boy.”

  Joe couldn’t take much more. He turned to the car, resting his hands on the roof as he stared off into the view stretching out before them. Maddie moved next to him, softly stroking his back as their tears began to fall again. Shaking his head briskly, he wiped his eyes, then turned to help Sarah into the car. Harry came to the car then, his tears flowing as easily as Marie’s.

  “Oh, Sarah. Why Lew? Why couldn’t it have been me? Why let me go on and take Lew when he was so young?!”

  “Because,” Sarah told him firmly. “Because Lew had the heart and soul of a little boy. He loved as a child loves—wholly and unselfishly. He wasn’t meant to grow old. He was a gift to us. He was a boy, now he’ll be forever young. He just—wasn’t—meant to grow old.”

  Harry’s wife helped him back to his car. Joe sighed as he helped Maddie inside, then moved to the other side of the car and slid in behind Tom. Pulling Maddie against him, he hugged her tightly, watching Lew’s flower-draped coffin as they pulled away. ‘Goodbye Lew. Goodbye Friend.’ He looked away as he drew in a shaky breath. ‘Dammit Lew, why’d ya have to go and leave me all alone?’

  CHAPTER XLII

  DECEMBER 1984

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  Christmas 1984

  The early-morning wind blew the new-fallen snow into the air, spraying Maddie’s face with an icy mist as she stiffly made her way from her car to Joe’s front door. Her gloved fingers were stiff, too stiff to manage the lock, making her take off the protective wool to grasp the frozen steel of the key. The more the wind cut into her frozen fingers, the more difficult her task became until finally the knob turned, allowing her entry. Her breathing was coming in cloudy puffs before she could hurriedly close the door and lean back against it, letting her eyes adjust from the brightness of the morning sun to the dimness of Joe’s living room. She let a lazy smile curve her lips as she saw Joe sprawled on his couch, still deep in sleep. As she removed her coat and long maroon scarf, she let her eyes wander about the room. A few empty beer bottles, the butt-filled ashtrays, the empty potato chip bags, the three empty bowls with traces of ice cream—spoons left in them—and the tool box, all told her about Joe’s Christmas Eve. He had spent Christmas Eve with John and Tom, dutifully assembling toys for the Baker grandchildren.

  Slowly she knelt next to the couch, then, after a moment of impish thought, slipped her icy hand inside Joe’s opened shirt. At first contact, his eyes popped open and he shoved her hands away, and Maddie laughed at him.

  “What the . . . What are you . . . You’re freezing!!” Joe exclaimed as he lifted himself on his elbows.

  “Merry Christmas to you too,” Maddie smiled.

  “Christmas,” Joe muttered as he dropped back down, then moved his gaze to her. “Never again. Next year, we’re leaving toy assembly to the women.”

  “We’d probably get it done faster. But, if we took over that job, that means the cooking and kids would be left to you guys. So, I think we’ll leave the assembling of toys to the men.”

  “I’ll remember you for that.”

  “Ahh.” She leaned forward and touched her lips to his. “Poor baby. I pity you.”

  “You should.” His hands came up around her shoulders and over her back until he lifted her onto the couch on top of him. “I’m in a helluva shape.”

  “A little worn around the edges,” she smiled softly as she looked down at him. “but other than that,
you look fine.”

  His eyes smiled up at her. “I’m feeling better, second by second.”

  “Oh, ya are?” Her finger traced his whisker-stubbled upper lip. “I wouldn’t be too egotistical to think my presence has anything to do with it, would I?”

  He smiled mischievously as he turned with her, but her warning for him to stop came too late; he landed on the floor, looking up at her as she leaned over the edge of the cushions, laughing down at him.

  “One of us is getting fat,” he commented.

  “I tried to tell you we wouldn’t fit anymore,” she smiled down at him. “There’s three now, instead of only two.”

  “That I realize. What I didn’t realize was that you’re getting so big.” He slowly rose to his feet, then bent to lift her off the couch, grunting slightly at the effort. “And so heavy.”

  “Heavy?! It couldn’t be that you’re getting old—could it?” Her arms went around his neck as he carried her toward his bedroom.

  He glanced down at her briefly before lowering her onto his bed. “Do you wanna see just how old I’m getting?” he threatened in a low tone, but, when she smiled at him and clambered to her knees before him, nodding her head eagerly, his smile lit his eyes.

  “Yes! Show me!” She grabbed his opened shirt and gazed up at him with her head tilted slightly. “Do you know how you look with your hair messed and your clothes all rumpled?”

  His hand brushed over his hair in a nervous, almost shy, gesture that charmed Maddie. “Like hell I imagine.”

  “Uh-uh.” Her eyes went over his face, his stubble that held traces of gray in a few spots, his deep brown eyes, the scar at his left eyebrow, the lips she knew so well and longed to feel on her again. She could feel her pulse stirring uncontrollably as she looked at the muscles of his chest, his arms, his flat stomach above his jeans. “No, definitely not like hell.”

  “So.” His fingers stroked her neck in the thickness of her hair. “You like me, huh?”