My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  She answered with her hands as she spread the material of his shirt apart, then slid it down over his shoulders. As he took a step back from her, she looked up at him quickly with disappointment, but the expression in his eyes as he watched her gave her nothing to worry about. She smiled lazily at him as he moved back to lean against his bureau, folding his arms across his bare chest as he watched her slowly get to her feet. She kicked off her shoes, then stepped out of her denim maternity slacks, pulling off her pink panties at the same time. The buttons of her blouse came open as she stood erect and looked back at him. She felt a flow of warmth go through her as she watched how his eyes moved over her, drinking in the physical changes of her body with a curiosity and interest; an interest so different from the near repulsion Bob Green had shown during the advanced stages of her previous pregnancies. Joe moved toward her slowly, her desire for his nearness seeming to make his steps take forever. His eyes were fused with hers, but she knew, even before he reached for her, where his touch would land. Her smile held a hint of emotion-filled tears as she looked down at that hand, her own hands moving to cover it on her swollen abdomen. It was his, and he was claiming possession of it, just as he had claimed possession of her many years before.

  As she stepped back to the bed, backing up until she was again on her knees facing him, she kept her grip on his hand, pulling him along with her. She was hardly on the mattress before she felt his free hand in her hair at the back of her neck, pulling her toward his kiss. His lips were soft caresses as they moved over her face, an expression of his love and caring. His hands moved to her face, holding her as their kiss deepened and she could feel the fire inside her begin to rage. Her hands inched lower, moving over bare skin, taking in the heat that radiated from him until they met the obstacle of his jeans. She loosened the buckle, then his button and zipper, before allowing her hand the access she was searching for. Then he was lifting her, maneuvering her on the bed, as if she were weightless. He paused only seconds to join her, his bare legs telling her what had delayed him. They became lost in the touch of one another, the texture of one another, so familiar and yet so enchanting.

  “Joe,” she breathed as she reached for him.

  “Maddie, don’t leave me again.” His voice was a shaky whisper as he kissed her. “I love you too much to make it without you.”

  Her arms went around him, clinging to him as she felt him slide slowly into her. Her awareness was at a peak. Their love reduced their movements to touching one another; arms and shoulders that they felt as if for the first time; legs that slid against each other with an interest in the other’s texture that was pleasing and slowly built the arousal pounding inside of them. Finally, touching was no longer enough and they moved against one another. Their rhythms rose together as their needs became more immediate and demanding. She clung to him as his final thrusts filled her completely, then another and another before he trembled and buried his face in her tangled hair.

  “Ahh, Jesus, Maddie.”

  How long they simply lay together, their hearts and breathing slowly returning to normal as they gently kissed and spoke words of love, Maddie wasn’t sure, and she didn’t care. She was safe and secure. No one could harm her anymore; she was feeling a peace that was new and very welcome to her. As she lay with her head resting on his shoulder, her hand on his chest and one leg over his, she watched the beauty of his masculine face. She wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or not, but his closed eyes and stillness prompted her to move closer until her mouth reached his ear. Her tongue flicked inside, bringing a response immediately as his grip tightened on her hip.

  “Are you going to sleep all day?” she asked softly.

  “I wouldn’t exactly call the last half hour—sleeping.” He opened his eyes to look at her.

  “No, you were certainly energetic. And I loved the little sounds you were making.”

  “Ya did, huh?” He turned toward her, his arms going around her as a teasing smile curved his lips. “You haven’t called me Joey since you were seven years old. And then it was never said quite so—emphatically.”

  “When did I call you Joey?” she laughed as her fingers moved lightly through his hair.

  “Just a while ago.”

  “I did not,” she smiled.

  “Oh yeah—you did. Only it wasn’t quite Joey. It was more like Jo-eyyy. It went up at the end like a bird call of some kind.”

  “I did not!” She glanced toward the doorway when the telephone began ringing. “Uh-oh. I bet I know who that is. I was supposed to bring Daddy right up to Gramma’s.”

  Joe nestled tighter against Maddie. “I think Robby’s becoming a problem child.”

  “Just insistent—like his father.” She kissed him lightly then rose and closed her oversized shirt before going to the other room for the telephone. “Hello.”

  “Mommy, Tom says you’re supposed to stop kissing and come up to Gram’s so we can open our presents she got for us,” Robby told her, then, in the background, she could hear Tom.

  “Yeah, come on, Maddie! Christ! Enough is enough already!” Tom complained, bringing a smile to her. “Leave the poor guy alone!”

  “Okay. We’ll be up in about fifteen minutes.”

  “Then can we open our presents?!”

  “As soon as we get there. So, hang up and we’ll be right there.”

  “Bye, Mommy,” he said, then quickly hung up the telephone.

  “Our presence is requested.” Maddie went to the bedroom.

  “Right now?” He watched her through the smoke of his cigarette. “Couldn’t we go up later—like in about four or five hours?”

  She moaned as she looked down at him. “Don’t tempt me. But—you better get used to the life of a family man. Unless you’re having second thoughts about marrying me.”

  “I’m coming,” he moped as he slowly pushed himself up.

  It was an exhausting day for Maddie, between chasing after Robby’s trail of Christmas wrapping paper and serving dinner, then helping with the cleanup, she was more than ready for her warm tub of water that evening. Joe had left about five o’clock, his holiday vacation with Felicia and Ollie being restricted to the Johnson home because they had two new cases of strep throat.

  The wind was biting as it gushed outside. The temperature plunged down to five below, and the wind chill factor took it down to thirty below. But inside Maddie’s house, they only had small clues to the deadly weather outside—those clues coming when the wind would roar over the rooftop or send a draft through the otherwise tightly sealed door. It was dark outside, the moon glistening off the snow like millions of sparkling diamonds as Maddie stood at the windows, looking through the fern-like patterns the frost gave them, the sounds of Robby and Jackie busy at play flowing around her as they sprawled across most of the floor.

  “God! It’s cold out there!” Joe’s voice shivered as he hurried through the door.

  “So I see.” Maddie pulled her long robe more tightly around herself as he removed his thick jacket and placed it on a chair. “Were you at the Johnsons’ all this time? I was starting to worry.”

  “Were you?” He bent to kiss her, then moved to sit on the couch. “No. I left around six. I was shopping.”

  “It’s Christmas! What’s open?” Maddie said with disbelief. “Anyway, you have a hard enough time going to the grocery store.”

  “I pushed myself.” He looked down at Robby as the child played with a small electronic toy. “Good thing you stocked up on batteries.”

  “Dad stocked up on batteries. What were you shopping for?” She sat next to him.

  “Nothing much.” He reached a hand toward Robby. “Bring it here and let me see it.” Robby stood at his legs as he watched his father give it a brief try, then hand it back.

  “Nothing much? And it took you two and a half hours?” Maddie moved closer, pulling her legs up beneath her.

  “No one had what I was looking for around here. I had to drive up to Bloomsburg.”

 
“So?”

  “So—what?” He seemed totally involved in Robby’s play.

  “So did you get it?” she asked.

  “Get what?”

  “Whatever you were looking for!” Oh, he could be infuriating.

  “Oh that—yeah, I got it. Took two hours to find just the right one.”

  The quick movement of Jackie’s head turned Maddie’s attention to her oldest son. He looked oddly at Joe’s coat, then, after a moment went back to the model car he was building.

  “Well, what is it?!” Maddie asked quickly after looking back to Joe, but the movement of Jackie’s head again made her glance at her son as he looked back to the jacket.

  “It’s a surprise—that’s what it is.”

  “Well, who’s it for?” Maddie said after Jackie turned back to his car again.

  “Everybody I guess. Nobody, if that’s the way it turns out.”

  “Don’t tell me,” she moped as she leaned back against the sofa. “I don’t care.”

  “It looks it,” Joe chuckled.

  “What . . . ?” Jackie started quietly, staring at Joe’s jacket again, then shook his head as if he were confused and went back to his car. Then, after a moment, he jumped to his feet. “I wasn’t seeing things! It did move!!”

  Maddie glanced over at Joe, seeing the sparkle in his eyes as he looked at Jackie.

  “What are you talking about?” Maddie got to her feet and went to the coat, but, as she was about to lift it—it did move—and she jumped back with a scream. “Oh, you son-of-a-bitch Joe!! What is it?!!”

  Joe only laughed at her as Jackie ran to the jacket, seeing something she had missed. His eyes opened wide as his hands reached for the large pocket.

  “It’s a puppy! A real puppy!” Jackie pulled the tiny animal into his arms, laughing when it stretched its neck to lick his face. Its tail wagged a mile a minute as it tried again and again to lick the boy.

  “Let me see!” Robby snatched the animal from Jackie. “It’s a puppy! For me?”

  “What are you going to name it?” Joe asked his son.

  “I don’t know. It’s so pretty!” Robby flopped down on the floor, holding the animal as the puppy switched its affection to the younger boy.

  “It took you two hours to look for that?” Maddie turned back to Joe. She sensed that Jackie had already lost interest in the pup; he had gone back to his model car.

  “Why? Don’t you like it?”

  “I think it’s adorable.” She sat next to him as she watched the tiny brown dog jumping up at Robby. “It looks like it has some Beagle in it—and Terrier.”

  “That’s some of it.” Joe pulled her back against him.

  “It’s brown—like Gram’s cocoa.” Robby stroked the dog’s back, then stood up and went to his brother. “Jackie, should we call it Cocoa?”

  “I don’t care what you call it. Don’t break my model.” Jackie started putting the plastic pieces away that his Uncle Tom had bought for him.

  “Now how am I going to get them to bed?” Maddie turned to look at Joe as she held onto the arm he had around her and rested across her stomach.

  “Put it in with them. They’ll go to bed if that’s where the dog goes.”

  “Cocoa, Daddy, his name is Cocoa.” Robby carried the puppy over to his father.

  “And what about the mess in the morning?” She pulled a face at him. “I’m not going to clean it.”

  “Simple—we take it out before we go to bed.”

  “In this weather?! It’d freeze!” She objected as she took the animal from Robby and watched as it crawled over her lap to the end of the couch, then came back and circled her legs three times before curling up against her stomach.

  “Looks like it’s decided who it’s going to sleep with.” Joe’s fingers stroked its head.

  “Sorry little fella—but there isn’t enough room for you.” Maddie held her hand out to Robby as he climbed up on the couch next to them.

  “He can sleep with me! I don’t mind!” Robby told them eagerly

  “Somehow I didn’t think you would.” Maddie looked at him, then scrambled to her feet, handing the puppy to Robby as he slid up against his father. “Here—you take him and I’ll get some water. Did you buy him any food?”

  “In the other pocket.” Joe dodged the puppy’s tongue as it jumped up on his chest and made a quick dash for his face. “That should be enough to last a day or two.”

  “I’m going to bed, Mom.” Jackie started toward the rear of the living room after putting his model back under the Christmas tree.

  “All right,” she said slowly as she watched him from the sink where she was filling a small bowl with some water. “Don’t you feel well?”

  Jackie paused as he leaned against the doorway to the kitchen, watching her. “Mom? Where did they bury Lew?”

  “Up the road a ways. Not far from here.” She walked back toward him with two bowls. It was the first he had spoken of Lew since the viewing, three nights ago.

  “That way?” He pointed in the opposite direction than his grandparent’s house.

  “Mm-hmm. Why?”

  “I wish he wouldn’t have died. I liked Lew. I liked talking to him.”

  “Come on.” Maddie picked up a newspaper as she started back to the boys’ bedroom. “You can help me with this before you go to bed.”

  “Do you miss him, Mom?” Jackie entered his bedroom and went directly to his bureau, pulling out a set of long thermal underwear to sleep in.

  “Yes. I do.” She spread the newspaper across part of the floor and set the bowls on one end of them as Jackie removed his clothes. “Especially today, since I think he would have come out to be with us, like he did on Thanksgiving.”

  “He would have made today fun. He would have listened to me.” Jackie pulled on the tight-fitting insulated pants.

  “I’m sure he would have, Sailor. But we’re here to listen to you too.” Maddie stood up and moved to the bed where Jackie was trying to pull on the top, then with Maddie’s help, pulled it over his head and arms.

  “I miss Lew though.”

  “I know. Come on, hop in.” She pulled back the blankets and held them up until he was beneath them, then tucked him in. “But he’s not far. If you really want to talk to him, he’s within hearing distance.”

  “Is he?” Jackie yawned.

  “I’m positive.” Maddie smiled down at him, then kissed his forehead, somewhat surprised when his arms came up around her neck and hugged her tightly.

  “I love you, Mom.” He released her and nestled back against his pillow.

  “I love you too, Sailor. I always will.”

  The loud screaming woke Maddie from a sound sleep, jerking her into a sitting position as she gazed around the room. She was blinded by the sudden burst of light as she heard Joe flick on the switch and hurry toward the boys’ bedroom.

  “NO! Blood! It broke in half! Blood!” Jackie’s voice drew his parents into his room.

  “Jackie! Jackie, wake up!” Joe was next to him on the bed as Maddie entered.

  “No!” Jackie cried. “Daddy . . . blood . . . all over me . . . and Daddy . . .”

  Maddie felt so helpless as she watched Joe trying to wake their son from his nightmare. The nightmare had the boy sobbing as Robby sat on his bed staring at them, with the tiny puppy standing anxiously at the end of the mattress.

  “Jackie. Wake up now—it’s only a dream.” Joe was lifting the boy to a sitting position.

  “No. Dad’s bleeding—all over me.” Jackie was slowly coming out of it. “It broke in half and he’s bleeding all over me.”

  “No one’s bleeding, Jackie.” Joe stroked his hair, bringing him forward with his caress until he was lying in his father’s arms, his sobbing slowly subsiding until he lay staring sightlessly at the wall, then suddenly he pulled back and jerked away from Joe.

  “No! Blood! You’re trying to bleed on me!”

  “Jackie, I’m not bleeding,” Joe said with frustration.r />
  “You are! I broke it in half, so you’re trying to bleed on me!” He moved farther to the other side of the bed as he stared at Joe with a mixture of disgust and fear in his eyes.

  “Right,” Joe breathed as he stood up and slowly turned toward Robby’s bed and Maddie. It was clear the boy wanted nothing to do with him and would listen to nothing Joe had to offer him. “You take care of it, Maddie. Robby, back to sleep now, he only had a bad dream.”

  Maddie watched as he went back toward their bedroom; then she sat on the bed next to Jackie. His eagerness to go into her arms hurt her more than if he had rejected her too.

  “Are you all right now? Do you realize it was only a dream? Only your imagination that was so frightening?” She stroked the thickness of his hair, changing now from the light brown of summer to a darker brown.

  “Yes. It was just a dream,” he told her weakly, “but this time he was in it.”

  “Who was in it, Jackie?” Maddie pulled back slightly to look down at him, confused now at the name he was calling out.

  “Joe. Joe was in it. And he was mad at me. He hates me.”

  “Joe? But you called out . . .” She left the rest of her words unsaid. He had called out Dad and Daddy. She thought he was referring to Bob as he always had before—but it was clear to her now he was calling out for his real father. She decided it would be better not to talk about it. It was a very distinct growth in his relationship with Joe, and she wasn’t going to interfere with it by commenting on it. “Your father doesn’t hate you, Jackie. You’re his son. He loves you very much.”

  “No, he doesn’t. He’s mad at me! I broke him in half so he tried to bleed all over me! He hates me!”

  “Jackie, you were dreaming. Your dad isn’t broken. He’s just tired. He tried to wake you from your nightmare, didn’t he?”

  “Yes,” Jackie said hesitantly as he looked up at her.

  “And he was the first one in to you, wasn’t he?”

  “Y-yes. I guess so.”

  “Well, I know so. So doesn’t that prove he isn’t mad at you, and he doesn’t hate you?”