My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “He was all bloody, Mom. God, and he tried to wipe it on me.”

  “That was a dream.”

  “I know—but it was scary.”

  “I’ll bet it was.” She moved him until he was lying down again; then she pulled the blankets over him. “But I’ll bet if you lie down and think of nice things, you’ll only have good dreams the rest of the night.”

  “Will you stay with me?”

  “I’ll stay.” She shifted her position on the bed until she was half-lying next to him, leaning back against the headboard and holding her arms around him as she soothed him. “Now try to get some rest. You just had a hard day. You were very tired. Now you’ll dream of nice things.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  Jackie wasn’t the only one to have dark dreams that night, as Maddie found out shortly before dawn the next morning. She didn’t know exactly what it was that woke her, whether it was the light doze she had allowed herself in case Jackie were to cry out again, the tenseness of Joe’s body next to her, or their utter weariness since Lew’s death; she wasn’t sure. But as she turned to look at Joe, she saw a pain and anguish on his face that raised her on an elbow to look down at him. His voice, when he spoke, was torn and tattered.

  “Put it down. Don’t—don’t do it, Jackie. Mouse. Mom.” Joe turned slightly, seeming to relax only a second before Maddie watched him tense up again. “Put it down. Give me the gun. We’re going home, Jackie—don’t. Jackie! Don’t!”

  Maddie watched with shock as Joe sat straight up in bed, his eyes wide as he tried to gain control of his breathing. His words made little sense to her at first. Jackie didn’t have a gun, and any guns her brothers or father owned were out of his reach, if not his sight. Then she realized he wasn’t dreaming of their son at all. He was dreaming of her brother, the first Jackie. His words that were puzzling to her at first were coming together and igniting the suspicion that all wasn’t as it had seemed.

  “Joe?” she said quietly as she sat up next to him, his startled expression as he turned to look at her telling her that he didn’t know what he had said.

  “I’m sorry.” He turned away from her and reached for a cigarette as he placed his feet on the floor. “Did I wake you?”

  “Your son isn’t the only one who talks in his sleep.” She folded herself onto her knees and moved closer to him. “He isn’t the only one who has nightmares, because he saw something in real life that terrified him.”

  “I—talked in my sleep?” He watched the tip of his cigarette. “What—did I say?”

  “You said you’ve been carrying a huge secret for a long time.” She moved behind him to place her arms around his shoulders. “You said you’ve been feeling guilty about something you had no control over.”

  “What are you talking about?” He inhaled deeply on his cigarette.

  “I’m talking about my brother—Jackie.”

  “What about him? He’s dead. He got hit by a sniper.”

  “Or did that bullet come from his own gun?”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said flatly as he got to his feet and moved away. “You were only a kid—how in the hell would you know what happened—and why?”

  “Joe, you were only a kid too. Twenty-one is still only a boy, no matter what the law says.”

  “A boy? I was old enough to be shipped overseas—to watch my friends get their legs and arms blown off as if they were some kind of insects. I was old enough to watch them burn alive and not be able to do a damn thing about it.”

  “And old enough to fool the officials as well as your best friend’s family when he committed suicide,” Maddie sighed.

  “Did I say that?” he asked angrily as he turned to look at her. “He was killed! And that war killed him just the same as any of the others!”

  “Are you sure he didn’t go into that war kind of hoping he wouldn’t come out of it? Are you sure he wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger that day?”

  Joe stared at her a long moment, his eyes holding an anger and pain that made her yearn to comfort him. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “That’s the whole problem, isn’t it?” She rose and stood before him. “You haven’t wanted to talk about it for almost fifteen years now.”

  “Maddie!” He turned away from her. “You don’t know what it was about! You don’t know what it was like over there!”

  “No, I don’t. And I don’t pretend to. But I know what it’s like right here—right now. You were scared senseless when you were sleeping. You didn’t even know where you were when you woke up. I have an idea you were right back there with Jackie.”

  “Just go back to sleep.” He leaned toward an ashtray and flicked off some ash. “You need your rest.”

  “Did my brother kill himself?” Maddie stared at him. She really didn’t care if he had, one way or the other anymore. She had grieved the loss of Jonas Baker fourteen years ago. Who took his life didn’t matter anymore. What did matter was the man standing in the same room with her, the man who was still carrying the guilt of his death.

  “Go to bed,” he told her.

  “I said—did my brother kill himself?”

  “And I said go to bed.”

  “Did my brother kill himself?”

  “Go to bed, Maddie!”

  “Did Jackie kill himself?”

  “YES!! The rotten son-of-a-bitch sent me away so I couldn’t stop him! Then left a Goddamn suicide note no one would understand but me! If the bastard would’ve just shot himself and left it at that I might have been able to convince myself it really was a sniper! But he didn’t! He left a note! Just for me! Just for me to find—just like he left his half blown-away head—just for me to find! He was supposed to be older! Supposed to be smarter! Stronger! Wasn’t he the one who had the prime choice of all the girls in high school?! The star of that Goddamned football team? The damn leader?! And the bastard just blew himself away! Knowing everything would fall back on me! Knowing I’d either cover up for him—or come home and have to tell you, Mom and Jack that the golden boy tricked me into letting him kill himself! Well, I took the easy way out! I fixed everything just so I didn’t have to face two adults and an eleven-year-old girl and tell them I screwed up! I couldn’t keep the lousy son-of-a-bitch alive for two fuckin’ days to bring him home to ya!”

  Maddie sighed deeply as she moved to a chair near her dresser and sat down. “So—he did commit suicide.” She looked up at him. “He left a note? What did it say?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.” He turned to go out the door.

  “Joe! Knock it off!” Her voice stopped him. “I’m not eleven years old anymore! What did it say?!”

  “It said ‘Looks be damned.’” He looked back at her. “Now—do you understand?”

  “No. Do you?”

  “Of course I understand—I was supposed to understand. He felt if he hadn’t been so attractive he wouldn’t have attracted Sue, and then Brenda and his baby would still be alive.”

  Sue? Brenda? Maddie had to think a moment to try to remember those names from her childhood. “You mean that cheerleader, and his girlfriend he wanted to marry? She was found hanging off the bridge. She was pregnant?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Jackie felt the cheerleader had something to do with her death?”

  “We knew it, but we couldn’t prove it.”

  “And he felt it was his attractiveness that caused it all?” Maddie said with disbelief. “That was stupid! He wasn’t so great looking. Above average—maybe—but not great.”

  “He was your brother. You wouldn’t have seen it.”

  “So, instead of trying to come back and prove someone killed his girlfriend—he shot off his face so he wouldn’t attract any more girls? That’s ridiculous!”

  “Sue was already dead. He just got a letter from Tom telling him she was killed in a car accident. Jackie almost seemed pleased she was killed under those circumstances.”
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  “What circumstances?”

  “Never mind. But I don’t think the guy put a gun to his chin in hopes of becoming unattractive. He wanted to end it.”

  “End what?!” She stood up in frustration.

  “His torment. It was eating him up—knowing that because of him, his girl and kid were dead.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  “Believe what, Maddie?! That those were his reasons?! Jesus, he told me!”

  “No. Do you believe it was his fault Brenda was killed?”

  “Sort of. But not completely. If it hadn’t been Brenda and Jackie—Sue would have done it to some other poor idiot.”

  “Did you try to explain that to Jackie?”

  “Yes. But he wouldn’t listen.”

  “Then stop trying to blame yourself for his death. It was no more your fault than it was mine. It was a sickness—a sickness that spread. Sue had it—it spread to Jackie. Don’t let it eat at you too. You’re doing the same thing Jackie did. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault Brenda died—it was Sue’s. Just like it wasn’t your fault Jackie died—it was his. The only thing you’re guilty of is trying to talk him out of it, then caring so much about us that you kept it inside for fourteen years. For all you know you might have successfully stopped him a dozen times. Like you said, it was eating at him a long time. And you also mentioned that in two days you would have been on your way home. Jackie didn’t want to come home or he’d be here now, probably married with six or seven kids. He had the choice—but he didn’t even try to make it. He didn’t see it. He didn’t look for it. He didn’t have the strength to look for it, so your leader let it all fall on your shoulders.”

  “That sounds good, Maddie,” he said slowly as he crushed out his cigarette. “but those words don’t take away the memory of him lying there by that tree.”

  “No, I don’t suppose they do,” she sighed as she went to him and rested her head against his chest and put her arms around his waist. “But don’t let that memory outweigh what you have now. You were forced to see things no one should ever have to see. I wish I could erase it from your mind and make it go away.”

  His arms went around her. “I was always so afraid you’d find out what happened. And I can’t say which frightened me more—the thought of your discovering that he didn’t die in the line of duty, but at his own hand—or the thought of your being thoroughly disappointed in me when you found out I couldn’t stop him.”

  “Well, I found out. And I’m not devastated over the news that my brother committed suicide. It’s been too long since it happened. If it were to happen now, today, it would tear me down. But I’d build myself back up with your help. I grieved his death a long time ago. I don’t feel the way he died makes any difference to me now. And I’m not disappointed in you. You were there with him. You kept him going until that day. And then, when he finally outran you, you pulled all the pieces together to protect my family. How can I be disappointed in that?”

  “I love you, Madelyn Baker.” He kissed her forehead.

  “I think I’m starting to believe that.” Maddie smiled gently up at him.

  “You are?” His eyes looked at her with adoration. “Well, it’s about time you started to let it sink in.”

  “I wouldn’t have any objections at all if you’d keep trying to convince me.”

  CHAPTER XLIII

  JANUARY 1985

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  January 1985

  As Joe stood outside the Baker house waiting for the tiny shivering puppy to go, he couldn’t help thinking about the expression on Jackie’s face when Joe had entered the house. It was clear there was something going on that he had interrupted, and he imagined it had something to do with the marriage that would take place in a little over an hour. He wasn’t positive of the time—it was too cold for him to lift his arm and look at his watch. But when he had left his house after dressing and collecting the wedding bands, he had one hour and fifteen minutes to gather up Maddie and get her to the court house in town.

  Joe glanced over at the large thermometer on Jack’s tool shed. It read fifteen below zero. The extreme stinging numbness of his cheeks told him the wind was taking it down to at least thirty below. The darkened glasses guarded his eyes from the harsh iciness of the wind as the Arctic blast beat down upon them. As he gazed at the small animal barely keeping his head above the fresh snowfall from the previous night, he pitied him completely. He certainly wouldn’t trade places with him.

  “Come on, little guy.” Joe picked up the pup and immediately turned back toward the front door with him. “It’s about time you finished.”

  “Not one more word!” Maddie’s voice came to him as he walked across the porch toward the kitchen door.

  “Then I’m moving up here with Gram and Pap!” Jackie argued back.

  “No you’re not. You’re living where we say you live. You’ve got ten more years until you do what you want—until then you’re under my thumb.”

  “That’s not fair!”

  “It’s fair to me. And that’s what counts.”

  “Why?!”

  “Because I’m the mother—and you’re the son—and that’s the way those things work. I tell you what to do—and you’re supposed to do it.”

  “Rob, here. Take the dog in the room and warm it up.” Joe entered the kitchen and handed the puppy to his youngest child. “Is something wrong?”

  “Nothing out of the ordinary,” Maddie said tightly as she fitted a thick pair of gloves to match her insulated jacket that she had pulled down over her stomach and half of her bottom, and the wool hat that was pulled down over her hair.

  “Where are you two going?” Sarah asked sleepily as she came from her bedroom.

  “Court house,” Maddie told her while keeping a strict eye on her son.

  “You’re getting married dressed like that?!” Sarah was cupping an arthritic hand as she stared wide-eyed at Maddie.

  “What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?” Maddie looked down at her denim maternity pants and thick insulated boots. “You should see what I got on under the coat.”

  “What’s under the coat? You look like you’re tromping out of an army camp.”

  “Flannel shirt and thermal underwear. I have on insulated socks too,” Maddie smiled at her.

  “There’s been warnings on the news for two days to stay inside.” Jack entered the kitchen with an empty coffee mug. “Even telling you to get your pets in the house so they don’t freeze. So you two have to pick today to get married.”

  “We should be okay as long as we don’t stay out in it. Drive to town, go in the court house, come out and drive home. How simple is that?” Joe told the older man.

  “We’ll be fine,” Maddie agreed.

  “Lets get started then. The truck’s running.” Joe opened the door for her, letting her go ahead of him, but when Jackie watched her go, he burst into tears and ran for the stairs. Joe looked helplessly at Sarah.

  “Just go. He’ll get over it,” Sarah assured him.

  With a heavy sigh, Joe went out the door, but the great gust of wind that met Maddie as she opened the porch door turned her to quickly face him as she hunched her shoulders against the cold.

  “You’re sure about this?” he smiled at her.

  She moaned as the wind died down long enough for her to turn back outside and made another attempt to brave the weather. “I’m sure.”

&n
bsp; What usually was a fifteen minute drive to town took more than half an hour because of the icy roads and the wind that seemed to be pushing the truck back with every gust. The ceremony was as simple as could be, a few words, a few signatures on the appropriate paperwork and all was done. The ride back home was a cold one, even with the heater running full blast—they were nearly three quarters of the way home before massive shivers stopped shaking their bodies. Joe watched with amusement as Maddie removed her gloves, then reached to take off his left glove, inspecting the matching bands again and again with satisfaction shining from her eyes.

  “It looks like Tom brought the boys down. Do you want to stop here or go up to Mom’s first?” Joe said, seeing light in Maddie’s living room window.

  “We might as well go home.”

  He looked doubtfully at her driveway—it was so damned steep—he just hoped those ashes and cinders he had spread that morning took hold. Even with his studded tires, they slid twice before they were finally parked in front of the house and she was moving to get out of the truck. Joe joined her and helped her up the salted steps, the wind blowing so hard that it ripped the storm door out of her hands and broke the hydraulic closure and chain, slamming it against the side of the house.

  “So much for a surprise entrance.” Maddie opened the door and quickly passed into the warmth of her living room.

  “Are you sure?!” Tom’s voice insisted as Joe pulled a reluctant storm door closed, then the inner door, before he turned to see the almost frantic state of Tom’s stare as he looked at Maddie and spoke into the telephone. “All right, then I think you’d better get up here fast. I’m at Maddie’s. Yes, they just came in. No, I didn’t have the chance to tell them yet. Bye.”

  “Tell us what?” Maddie asked hesitantly as she pulled off her hat and scarf.

  Tom looked at Joe, a white tinge to his face as he swallowed with difficulty. “It’s Jackie. We’ve looked through all four houses—and even called his friends down the road—the Kerstetters. We can’t find him. The last we saw him was about forty-five minutes ago.”

  “Forty-five . . . ?! God! If he’s out in this . . . !” Joe stopped, looking over at Maddie as she started back through the house, quickly checking all the rooms before returning to the living room and grabbing her hat and scarf again.