Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  “What was that about, Alexa?” His question is direct, and I know he isn’t going to let me talk my way around this. I try anyway.

  “Nothing, Julian. Everything is good. But I was thinking, it’s probably a good idea for me to drive myself here next time I come over, so you don’t have to take me home. It’s totally inconvenient when you need to go to work.”

  He shakes his head at me, sits up, and turns so he’s directly in front of me. “You asked me not to let you screw this up, so I’m going to ignore that comment, and you’re going to tell me why, after the amazing night of love making we shared, you’re recoiling from my touch. I must have missed something here, because last night I couldn’t touch you enough.”

  Yeah okay. I’m not getting out of this unless I want to start a big fight with Julian. Maybe if I acknowledge it and apologize, he’ll let it go. I reach over and grab his hand. “I’m sorry, Julian. Of course I want you to touch me.”

  Julian’s eyes turn dark, and he pulls his hand away. “Damn it, Alexa, are you going to tell me why you just had a panic attack, or let me assume something about being with me freaks you out so badly you need to run away? And don’t bother denying it. I felt your hand and saw the panicked look in your eyes.”

  Damn it is right. Note to self: add annoyingly perceptive to my list of Julian’s strengths. I’m embarrassed and feel like an idiot, so of course my response is sarcastic and defensive.

  “Fine. I have panic attacks. If you want to take credit for that last one, go ahead, but in reality they just come and go as they please.”

  “Really, Alexa? Is that how it works for you? Because when I used to get them, it usually happened because of a trigger.”

  He doesn’t sound sarcastic, but I know he’s being facetious. Why am I not surprised we have something else in common?

  “Okay, Julian, you win. I’m not surprised you figured it all out. I don’t seem to be able to get anything past you.” I try to lighten the mood by changing my tone. It obviously doesn’t work because when Julian responds, he’s still totally serious and looks a little hurt.

  “Why do you feel the need to get anything past me? I thought we decided we were trying to make this happen.”

  Geez. This is way too heavy of a conversation for me this morning, but he isn’t letting it go. I continue to deflect and try to make my tone sound flirty. “A girl has to have her secrets, Julian.”

  Uh-oh. My deflection is an epic fail, and now Julian’s empathetic look has been replaced by a pissed one. “Is that how you really feel, Alexa? That secrets are okay? Because if you do, this relationship stops right here, right now.”

  He’s glaring at me, and I know he’s serious. Apparently Julian has some nonnegotiables as far as relationships go. I need to carefully word my response, because while I agree with him that secrets aren’t a healthy part of a relationship, I know I’m hiding a whole lot of stuff from him, and if I totally agree with him here, I’m going to be a big hypocrite.

  “Julian, we’ve known each other for like five minutes, and I’ve been very upfront about my trust and intimacy issues. There are a lot of things you don’t know about me yet, good and bad. I’m sure that’s the case with you too. I want you to know me, but I’d prefer it be the good stuff first. The panic attacks are not the good stuff. I’m embarrassed you saw any of it, and I needed to get away before you saw all of it. But in answer to your question, your touch isn’t a trigger. I mean it triggers my body in all kinds of delicious ways but not in any bad ones.”

  Julian just sits there for a minute with his head down. He finally looks back up and takes my hands in his. “Alexa, do you think you and I are at a place where we should be sharing serious things, you know, important things about our pasts? This isn’t a trick question with a right or wrong answer, but I would appreciate you at least telling me the truth about that.”

  I wonder what he thinks I’m lying to him about, but I decide not to ask. I’m still in defensive and protective mode, and I need to be very smart with my answers.

  “Before I answer that, can you tell me why you’re even asking me the question?”

  Julian looks at me with a sincerity that melts my heart. “I’m not saying this to hurt or offend you, Alexa, but you seem to just not really know where you want this relationship with us to go. One minute you’re pulling me close, and the next you’re pushing me away. I can see how you feel when I look in your eyes, and I can feel you care when I touch you, but you don’t tell me anything about yourself. And because you don’t tell me anything, I’m not sure what it is you want to hear from me.”

  “Well, Julian. I guess you’re just better at this relationship stuff than I am.” I’m half joking, half serious with a heaping dose of sarcastic thrown in. I’m feeling a little bit backed into a corner, and I don’t like it. He hasn’t shared much either, so I’m not sure why I’m on the hot seat here.

  He snorts. “Better at it? I bet if we ever did have that talk—you know, the one where we ‘share’ relationship histories—we’d find out you’d be the one with more relationship experience.”

  He’s totally trying to make a point about my inability or unwillingness to share information about my past. What Julian doesn’t understand is why I don’t ask him a lot of questions. Yes, I’m scared to hear the answers because of my insecurities and trust issues. But it’s more than that. I don’t ask because then I feel obligated to reciprocate and share something about me. I’m not good with the quid pro quo method.

  “Me? I’m sure you’d have me beat hands down, Julian.” I quickly run through a mental checklist of my past relationships: Tony in junior high, Adam in high school, Ryan and Scott each for a few months in college, and Brady. It all totals up to about five years’ worth of committed (if you really want to call it that) relationship time in my twenty-five years of life. I’m hardly an expert.

  “Not that you’re asking, Alexa, but since the age of eighteen, I’ve been in one relationship. One. Until now.”

  The last part of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat. I can’t help but smile, but my walls are still up, and my sarcasm is still flowing. “One, Julian? Seriously? I doubt you’ve spent more than a few weeks tops alone, ever.”

  “Seriously?” Okay, I’m not the only one feeling defensive. “I haven’t spent much time by myself, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been alone. I know you know the difference, right?”

  Unfortunately, I do.

  “I’m great at dating, Alexa, and I think I’m pretty good at fucking. I can show a girl a great time. I know where to take her, what to buy her, how to make her come. And I’m not gonna lie. I’ve done a lot of that. But relationships? I haven’t been in one for eight years.”

  I just sit there looking at him. Of course I want to know why he’s been single so long. I’ve wanted to know since the day I met him, because I’ve never understood why he wasn’t already married. But I never asked because I’m sure it will ruin me when he tells me about the one girl that broke his heart and got away. I don’t want to hear that he has never quite gotten over her. I’m feeling so many emotions for the first time with Julian, and I don’t want to know he’s already experienced this kind of connection with another woman before. Nope, staying quiet here. After a few minutes of my silence, he sighs and asks again.

  “Do you know what you want from me, Alexa? Last night I was sure you did, but right now I’m convinced you have no idea.”

  Well that makes two of us, I think to myself. Half of the time I want him to take me in his arms and tell me he’ll love me forever, and the other half of the time I cringe when anything emotional comes out of his mouth. I’m a mess.

  I choose my words very carefully. “I’m sorry you don’t think I know what I want from you, Julian, because I do. I want to keep moving forward, and I want us to keep getting to know each other.”

  I know that Julian is really referring
to the emotional part of our relationship, but I throw in a comment about our physical connection to change the course of the conversation a little bit. “And as far as our physical relationship goes, I think things have progressed rather quickly. You definitely know my body very well.” I say these words with a lightness that I’m not really feeling.

  Julian smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile, and I know he knows I’m avoiding his question. He’s still holding my hand and rubbing his thumb gently back and forth over it. He slowly shakes his head in a sign of frustration.

  “I do know your body, Alexa, and I don’t want to make that seem like it’s unimportant. You’re an amazing lover and make me feel things I haven’t felt in maybe forever. And when I’m inside of you, I feel so close to you. It’s part of the reason I can’t stop making love to you.”

  Wow. That was honest, and it makes me feel great. I bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from saying anything sarcastic about sex.

  “I feel very close to you when we have sex too, Julian.” For some reason, I’m having a hard time saying the words make love. He keeps using them too. He either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore my word choice. When he does respond, his tone is desperate.

  “Can you please tell me what you want to hear from me, Alexa? Do you want to know me? I mean the real me. Because I can keep giving you the public me that almost everyone else gets. I’m very good at not letting people get close to me. They think they are, but they really aren’t. I’m very good at being who everyone else needs and wants me to be, and to be honest, it’s how I feel most comfortable. For some reason, I feel myself wanting to let you in though. But if you’re not ready for that or don’t want it, please be honest with me.”

  I’m pretty sure my mouth drops open as Julian is saying those words. Those are my words, as in I could say the exact same thing to him. I had no idea Julian was holding himself back from me on purpose, or at all. Holy shit, if this is Julian holding back, I’m in serious trouble when he really tells me how he feels about me. I better find my life preserver.

  “Are you always going to be honest with me, Julian? Because it’s very hard for me to open up to anyone I don’t trust 100 percent.”

  “I’ll always be honest with you, Alexa. It’s the only way I do things. It can make a situation brutal. I can be brutal, but I promise you’ll always get the truth from me. I told you earlier. No secrets and no lies.”

  How did he know those were exactly the words I needed to hear? I’ve been lied to so many times. If it wasn’t someone lying to me directly, it was them lying to me about the nature of their feelings for me or about what they wanted in way of a future. Brady lied to me about everything. I’ve always had some trust issues, but the events that happened with Brady took things to a whole new level. My faith in my own judgment and everything I knew about myself was shattered in the last few months of Brady’s and my relationship, and deep in my core I have a hard believing I’ll ever be able to fully trust a man again. But, for the first time in a very long time, I want to, and Julian has helped me realize that.

  “Then yes, Julian, I really want to know you.” As I say the words, I know I mean them. The problem is that I don’t know if I want Julian to really know me.

  We’ve been sitting separately and across from each other this whole time. When I tell him I really want to know him, he reaches over and pulls me into his lap and holds me in a tight embrace. It’s as if he’s thanking me for making that decision. I rest my head against his chest and let myself feel okay with these new revelations. We sit like that for a while, and I wonder if we’re done talking for now or if this is just a break. I’m kind of hoping for the former, and I don’t ask another question even though I have a million. I’m dying to know about the whole “no girlfriend in eight years” thing, but I’m not feeling any desire to talk about my exes right now. So after all of that, I’m not sure we actually learned anything about each other except that we want to learn more about each other.

  When he finally speaks, it’s to tell me he needs to shower and get into work. Oh yeah. I’m being dismissed for the afternoon. He kisses me gently as we stand up, but there’s definitely a different vibe between us. There’s a distance that was not there before, and deep down I know Julian isn’t okay with the way I handled this morning’s discussions. When he heads to the bathroom, I text Marissa and Shannon right away.

  Alexa: Can either of you come and pick me up from Julian’s? Like now?

  Shannon: Yes. Are you ok?

  Alexa: Yes. He has to go into work and it’s easier if you get me.

  Shannon: Leaving now. I’ll be there ASAP.

  Marissa: Does he know you asked for a ride.

  I told her what happened yesterday when I texted her for a ride and Julian found out and got pissed.

  Alexa: He will when he gets out of the shower.

  Marissa: Lex

  Alexa: See you soon.

  I sit there thinking about the right way to tell Julian I’m getting picked up by Shannon. Marissa is right. He’s going to get mad, and I know it, but it really is a better idea. He’ll lose an hour if he drives me home. I convince myself I’m doing him a favor and walk into the bedroom to tell him. I find Julian sitting on his bed putting his shoes on. He’s wearing a coral-colored, button-down linen shirt, jeans, and brown Mephisto loafers. I smile inside because, first, I know what brand he’s wearing and, second, I see he really does like nice shoes like me. The difference is he really can afford them. He looks so handsome, and I can’t help but smile at him. He returns my smile.

  “I’m almost ready.”

  “Julian, please don’t get mad, but Shannon is coming to pick me up. It’s so out of your way to take me home when you need to get into work. I swear I’m just trying to save you time.”

  I skip the part where I want to avoid a big good-bye scene. I’m feeling a little raw this morning and sad that this weekend is over. The very, very, very last thing I want is for me to have another emotional breakdown. One or two in a day is my limit. This way we can have a quick good-bye.

  He starts to argue but then stops. “Okay. But you’re not an inconvenience to me, Alexa.”

  He walks over and takes me in his arms. He holds me for a minute, and I feel his heart beating rapidly against my chest. I find it odd. He seems a little nervous, and I feel the distance growing even though I’m in his arms. I pull back and look up at him.

  “Are we okay, Julian?”

  “You tell me, Alexa. Are we?”

  Damn. We took a million steps forward this weekend, and I’ve managed to put us back near the start. I press my lips to his, trying to bridge the gap that developed since my freak-out. His lips feel warm and soft on mine, and what was supposed to be a peck turns into more. I can’t help but slip my tongue into his mouth to deepen the kiss. Julian is hesitant at first, but our bodies take control, and in moments we’re kissing passionately. I feel the distance ebb a little. I whisper into his mouth.

  “We’re all good, Julian. Thank you for an incredible weekend. I had such a great time with you.”

  “That sounds like a good-bye, Alexa.” He sounds sad, and I know I’m not imagining it.

  “It is a good-bye, Julian. Good-bye for right now. I’m going home, and you’re going to work.” How did we go from me feeling all insecure to him feeling that way too? Shit. What a mess.

  I hear a beep on my phone, and I figure it’s Shannon texting me she’s here. I’m right, and I text back that I’m on my way down. Julian insists on walking down with me. Shannon is waiting in front of the building, and Julian greets her and thanks her for coming to get me. We stand outside the car to say our good-byes. He takes me in his arms and squeezes me tightly. Tears spring to my eyes because we’re saying good-bye, and it hurts my heart. I don’t want to look at him, but he forces me to by tilting my head up.

  “I’ll call you later.” No mention
of when we’ll be seeing each other again, but at least he’s going to call. How in the world did we get here where I’m even questioning that?

  I kiss him softly on the lips. “Okay. I’ll talk to you later then.” I slip out of his arms and into Shannon’s car. I tell her to go, and I don’t look back. If I did, I would have seen Julian watching me drive away.

  Shannon sees the look on my face and knows something is up. “How was your weekend? Mari said last night was a blast.”

  I turn up the radio a little. I’d rather not talk, but I don’t want to be rude because she did just come and get me. “Good. Kind of crazy. Emotionally draining.”