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Page 28
“Not physically?” Her face is dead serious, but I know she’s teasing me. I can’t help but smile.
“That too. Have you seen Julian?”
She laughs. “Yes, I’ve seen Julian. That’s why I asked.”
She asks me if I’m hungry, and I remember I didn’t eat yet and it’s already lunchtime. We stop at a little cafe near our house, and I get a Cuban sandwich. We chitchat about her weekend and about Cory. Things are going great, and she actually thinks he’ll be proposing soon. I’m so happy for her, and it feels great not to be focusing on me. As I listen, I realize I’ve been so caught up in my own drama lately that I haven’t been a very good friend. I make a promise to myself not to be so self-absorbed.
I walk through my front door exhausted. The last three days have been extremely tiring both physically and emotionally, and I’m looking forward to some time alone. I unpack my bag, make myself an iced tea, and park myself on the couch with the remote. My plan is to veg out for the rest of the day and night. I need to process everything that’s happened with Julian. We have gone from zero to sixty and back again in the blink of an eye, and I have mixed feelings about all of it.
I’ve been good about checking my phone all weekend and have responded to all of my calls, e-mails, and texts from everyone. Everyone except Luke, that is. Now that I’m away from Julian, I can let myself think about Luke. I miss him, and I hate that I’m being made to choose between him and Julian. I’m not sure what’s caused all this bad blood between them, but if I need to keep them separate in order to have them both in my life, then I will. I text Luke to check in and ask if he’s going to come over tonight to watch True Blood with me.
Alexa: Hey. Checking in. Are you coming over?
Luke responds in minutes.
Luke: Am I allowed?
Alexa: Seriously? Don’t start. Miss you. Plz come.
Luke: Just us?
Alexa: Nope. Sookie, Bill and Eric will be here too.
Luke: Order pizza
Alexa: k. see you later :)
It’s only two o’clock, and I’m bored. I can’t stop thinking about Julian. There’s no way I’m going to be able to sit here and do nothing. I decide my laundry isn’t going to get done by itself, so I throw a load in and do a little cleaning around the house. Marissa walks in while I’m emptying the dishwasher an hour later.
We catch up for a little bit, and she tells me she’s going to go for a run. I decide to join her. I haven’t been exercising much lately, unless you count all the sex I’ve been having as exercise. The run turns out to be exactly what I need. It’s a little on the hot side, so we decide to only run three miles. We find a steady but slowish pace, and I tell her about the parts of my weekend she wasn’t there for.
“I saw it with my own eyes, Lex. He’s totally into you. You should just tell him about Brady already. There isn’t anything you need to be hiding from him. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I nod my head and agree with her even though I really don’t agree at all. She’s saying all the same things I’ve heard from everyone for a year—that I have nothing to feel bad about and that nothing was my fault. The problem is that they aren’t entirely right. I just can’t get anyone to understand that the very fact I stayed with him says a lot about me. That’s a part of my past I’m hiding from Julian. Once I tell him about Brady, he’s going to wonder what kind of girl would stay in that kind of relationship.
“Mari, I agree with you. He was totally into me this weekend, and it was freaking awesome. But now he’s apparently going to be too busy to really see me for the next few weeks. So how do I know he’s not planning on being totally into someone else?”
“You don’t know, but you trust him and believe him when he says you guys are exclusive.”
“You haven’t seen how women act around him. They fling themselves at him every five minutes. They’re all over the hotel and all over him. And I’m talking about gorgeous women.”
She shakes her head in frustration. “Just try and trust him, Lex. I know it’s hard, but try. If everything you told me is true, he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. But I still think you need to tell him about Brady.”
“I know I should, but I can’t. Honestly, I’m kind of glad he’s going to be so busy the next few weeks. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with all the memories that are coming up right now, and it’s hard to hide them.”
I tell her about my panic attack, which is huge, because I only really discuss them with Ellen. I can tell she’s worried about me, which is exactly why I don’t tell them how frequently it’s happened lately.
“Lexie, what happens if you totally freak out about something when you’re with Julian? This is going to be a rough couple weeks for you. If you tell him now, it won’t be a big deal then.”
“I’m not going to freak out again, Mari. I’m good.” We’re rounding the corner for home, and Marissa reluctantly lets it go. Even though it was hot, the run felt good, and I’m glad I went.
I take a long, relaxing shower and blow out my hair. When I finish doing my laundry, it’s still only six o’clock. This day is dragging. I told myself earlier I wasn’t going to keep checking my phone, but I can’t help it. There are no missed calls or texts. Nothing. I can’t help but be disappointed. I haven’t stopped thinking about Julian for five consecutive minutes since I left his house, and it appears he isn’t thinking about me at all. I want him to call me first.
Luke isn’t coming over for a few more hours, so I need to occupy my time. Planning my outfits for work ahead of time saves me time in the mornings, so I do that for the rest of the week. While I’m in my closet, I try to organize my shoes into a better system. The only thing I dislike about this house is my closet because it’s too small. When I give up trying to figure out what to do with all my shoes, I straighten up the rest of my room. As I move around it, I think about how much better I like it than Julian’s. He has the view, which is magnificent, but the rest of his room is boring and impersonal. Mine is covered with photos, colorful artwork, and candles. My comforter is white with a huge, orange poppy on it, and I have tons of fun accent pillows. My bed looks comfortable and welcoming. I find myself thinking about what I would do to Julian’s place if I had the chance but force myself to stop. The future isn’t a place I need to be spending any time in right now. I’m having a hard enough time dealing with the present and the past.
I start to change my sheets, but when I smell Julian’s scent on them, I stop. Instead I lie in my bed and surround myself with the memories of him being here. When that makes me feel worse, not better, I get up and strip the bed. How in the world can I miss him this much already? I hate the feelings I’m having. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get emotionally attached to anyone.
After I make my bed, I head back into the living room with my laptop. I’m going to shop for shoes because that always makes me feel better. An hour later, I’ve bought a pair of sexy, black Charles David pumps with wide straps that crisscross at the top and a pair of bone-colored Ralph Lauren espadrilles that tie around the ankle and have raffia on the heel. I’m three hundred dollars poorer but a bit happier.
When Luke walks in the door at seven forty-five, he picks me up and gives me a huge bear hug. It feels so different than when I’m in Julian’s arms, but the familiarity and warmth are comforting and welcome.
He puts me back down on the couch and sits next to me. “Have you ordered food yet? I’m starving.”
I admit I haven’t and grab my phone to make the call. There are still no messages from Julian, and although it’s bumming me out, I’m determined not to let it ruin my night. I order our usual large, half-pepperoni, half-mushroom pizza and large Caesar salad. Marissa is in her room, and Shannon went to Cory’s, so we’re alone.
“So how are you, Hooka?” Luke is smiling, and I can tell he’s in a good mood. Hopefully he stays that way. Luk
e generally is one of the most easy-going people I know, but lately he’s been moody and impatient. The last thing I need is any drama, so I steer clear of anything Julian related.
“I’m good. How about you? What’s new?”
“Nothing’s new. I went to see my parents today. That’s always fun.” I hear the sarcasm in his voice.
“Really? That surprises me. You’re in a good mood.” I’m referring to the fact that he usually isn’t after he sees his parents. He goes through the same routine as I do with my parents. The difference is he’s an only child, so they’re always on his case about something.
“Oh yes. Cecile and Clark were their usual pushy, condescending selves, but I’m here with you now, so even though my day was torture, at least it will end on a good note.”
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek when he says this. I’m happy he wants to be around me. We haven’t been close lately, and it makes me sad. I’ve missed him. We keep the conversation light, and Luke tells me stories about people at Orion. He’s a great storyteller, and pretty soon I’m laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I needed this so bad. The food shows up, and Luke pays even though it’s my turn. I let him because I just spent three hundred dollars I didn’t really have on shoes. We bring the food into the living room and sit on the floor around the coffee table. True Blood will be on in about thirty minutes, and we talk about last week’s episode. After a few minutes, Luke finally brings up Julian.
“So how was your weekend? Were you with Julian the whole time?”
I finish my bite before I answer him. “Do you really want to talk about this? I don’t want to fight with you.”
He nods. “I wouldn’t have asked. I’ve been worried about you since Friday night, but I didn’t want to interrupt anything.”
“I had a nice weekend, and yes, I was with Julian for most of it. Please don’t worry about me, Luke. I’m happy.”
He shrugs his shoulders and looks unconvinced. “Really? Because you didn’t look happy on Friday. What happened?”
I get up to get us something to drink and reply over my shoulder, “I still don’t want to talk about it.”
He waits to answer until I walk back in the room and sit down. “You know you can tell me anything, Lex. Did it have anything to do with two other women?”
Seriously? Now what does he know? “Why do you ask that, Luke?”
He looks me dead in the eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes. I ask because two women came looking for Julian right after you two left. They stayed by my bar for a while, and I listened to their conversation. One of them, the one with black hair, was talking about, um, her “relations” with Julian and how she’d like to resume them. She couldn’t seem to understand why he wasn’t into her anymore, and she told her friend she was going to change his mind this week. They were talking about some photo shoot and some other event that was going on at the hotel Memorial Day weekend.”
I feel sick to my stomach and put my pizza down. This was the last thing I needed to hear tonight. I don’t have the strength to deny that this was exactly what upset me on Friday.
“Yes, I had the pleasure of seeing those two with their hands all over Julian. I didn’t like it, and I didn’t like the way he handled it. We talked about it, and everything is okay now.” My voice is shaking a little, and Luke recognizes this was a big deal to me.
“Lex, I didn’t tell you to hurt you. I really am trying to stop you from getting hurt. I’m not saying Julian did anything to encourage them, but when I tell you I watch women throw themselves at him all the time, I’m not exaggerating. I just don’t know how you’re going to be able to deal with that.”
I don’t want Luke to see how much his words have hit home, so I lie. “I can handle it because we’ve decided we aren’t going to see anyone else, and I trust him.”
Luke actually snorts when I say the last part. “Cmon, Lexie. It’s me you’re talking to. You don’t trust anyone. Are you telling me that after a few weeks you think someone with his history is just going to become a one-woman kind of guy? I mean, I hope for your sake it’s true, but I think you’re being pretty naïve.” Hello, obnoxious Luke is back.
“Thanks for the ego boost, Luke. Apparently you don’t think I’m good enough for someone to want to just be with me.” I’m hurt by his comments and insinuations, and I’m pissed that what was a great night is now taking a turn for the worse.
“Lex, you know how I feel about you. You’re awesome, and I never said you weren’t girlfriend material. It’s not really about you. I don’t think Julian is boyfriend material. I’ve heard he hasn’t been in a relationship for like ten years.”
“It’s been eight years, not ten, and I’m not sure what criteria you’re using to judge because you haven’t had any serious girlfriends since I’ve known you either.” I’m trying really hard not to sound pissed, but he’s throwing salt on a wound right now.
“Exactly, and I’m not great boyfriend material either. I will be when the time is right though.”
I look at Luke and say the words softly, hoping he will agree with me. “Maybe the time is right for Julian.” It isn’t really a statement but more a question. He senses he’s crossed a line and pulls back.
“Maybe, Lex. If that’s what you really want, then I hope he has changed.”
Luke squeezes my hand and looks toward the TV. The conversation is over, which is fine by me. True Blood is coming on, and the room is filled with the “Bad Things” theme song. It’s fitting, as my mood just turned bad. I can’t help but hear Julian’s voice in my head asking me to question Luke’s motives. Luke doesn’t really know Julian but is acting like he does. And while I believe Luke is concerned about me getting hurt, he’s really acting a little over the top.
We don’t talk about anything other than the show while it’s on, and when it’s over, I tell Luke I’m tired and that I want to go to sleep early tonight. He looks disappointed but doesn’t question me and gets up to leave. It’s true; I’m exhausted. But I also don’t want to talk about Julian anymore. Unfortunately, Luke isn’t done with the sensitive topics yet.
“Have you made plans for Memorial Day weekend, Lex? I’m sure Julian is going to be slammed at the hotel, and I’m not sure if you want to be alone or not.” Luke sounds genuinely concerned. He was with me for most of that weekend last year and knows this is a rough time for me.
“My plan is to cross that bridge when I come to it,” I say with a matter of fact tone that lets him know I have no desire to continue talking about it.
He’s standing outside on my porch now. “Okay, but I’m here for you if you need me. I’m on to work the whole weekend, but I can change my schedule if you need me to.”
“Thanks, Luke, I’ll be fine.” That’s actually the biggest lie I’ve told yet. Judging by my panic attack this morning, I’m not fine, and I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better.
Luke gives me a small smile and leans into hug me. I hug him back, and as we’re pulling apart, he kisses me on the lips. It’s soft and tender and not at all just “friendly.” What the hell. Why did he just do that? I don’t ask because I don’t want to know. I just continue to pull out of the embrace.
“Night, Luke.”
He looks like he wants to say something more, but he doesn’t. He just tells me goodnight and walks to his car as I shut the door. This is so not good.
I throw the dinner trash away and get ready for bed. I’m so done with this day. I feel like an emotional wreck, and my stomach is in knots from all the stuff Luke said, as well as from the kiss he just gave me. I really want to hear Julian’s voice. I need to hear it. I pick up my phone and dial his number. It goes straight to voicemail. I’m not sure where he is or what he’s doing on a Sunday at ten o’clock, but I know he isn’t with me. I don’t leave a message and opt for a text instead.
Alexa: Just wanted to say goodnight.
“Hey, Julian.” My voice comes out in a whisper as I try to hide my excitement.
“Well hello, Alexa. It’s about time you called me.” His tone is teasing, but I hear the seriousness underneath.
I can tease too. “Is there something wrong with your phone, Julian?”
“No, corazón, it works fine. I was just letting you miss me. It took too long. I was about to cave and call you.”
My smile couldn’t be any bigger. He was waiting for me to call him.
“Well if I would have known that, I would’ve called you from your apartment before I left today because that was when I started missing you.”
There’s silence on the other end, and I’m not sure how Julian feels about what I just said. He doesn’t tell me either, which unnerves me a little. He just asks about my day and what I did tonight.
“It was certainly not as entertaining as the rest of my weekend, for sure. I cleaned a little, did laundry, changed my sheets, went for a run, and bought some new shoes. But not in that order.” I omit the whole Luke part of my day.
I hear him laugh softly. “I’m hurt you changed your sheets. I didn’t. Mine smell like you.”
Seriously? Are we really so alike? “I had to change them. I lied down in them, and it made me sad. It made me miss you more.”
I know the tone of my voice changed when I said those words. I do miss him, and I was sad. I don’t feel like playing games and hiding behind snarky comments.
“I miss you too, corazón. I thought about you all day today, and the only thing that made me feel better was when I got into bed a little while ago, and I could smell you on my sheets. It didn’t make me sad though. It made me hard.”
I laugh at his comment, but it comes out sounding as phony as it is. I’m not in that kind of mood at all. I stay quiet. I don’t know what I need to hear him say to make me feel better, but he isn’t saying it.