The Ultimate Inferior Beings

by Roman, Mark

“I-I-I th-th-ink-k I-I’m g-go-ing t-to be-e s-si-ck-k,” he said, turning a whole shade greener.

  “Hold on tight,” warned anaX as The Night Ripple suddenly jerked into motion.

  But Henry, having nothing to hold on tight to, slid rapidly backwards across the polished floor and squelched up against the back wall. There he continued to vibrate, pressed hard against the wall.

  The vast hull of The Night Ripple trundled slowly forward, with anaX steering it in the direction Henry had indicated. She drove slowly and carefully across the hard black landscape.

  “Shall I try to contact the captain on the transceiver?” asked LEP, feeling slightly redundant since the gynaecologist seemed to know what she was doing.

  “Good idea,” said anaX, concentrating on her driving. “See if you can find out what danger they’re in.”

  “Right-ho,” said LEP.

  anaX drove on. Above the deafening racket of The Night Ripple’s phonon engines she could just make out the quivering moans of Henry behind her and the muffled sounds of LEP muttering, “Night Ripple to jixX... Night Ripple to jixX. Come in, captain. Over.”

  After a couple of minutes or so, LEP gave up. “It’s no use,” he said.

  “Can’t you contact him?”

  “No. He must have put all the aerials in.”

  Chapter 7

  jixX and sylX looked at one another in dismay.

  “One hundred and seven hours!” mouthed jixX.

  The stowaway nodded. “I think they’re trying to bore us to death,” she answered in a half-whisper.

  “We have to escape,” mouthed jixX.

  “Agreed,” she mouthed back. “But how?”

  jixX shrugged. He looked at Jeremy. “He’s doing really well,” he said out loud, hoping a little flattery would make the blob more determined to stay immobile longer and buy them more time.

  “He could be dead for all we know,” said sylX under her breath.

  But Randolph heard her. “No, no, don’t worry,” he said, stepping towards them. “There’s no danger of him dying. We slimy green blobs are immortal.” Then he added, “Apart from the ones that die, that is.”

  *

  fluX had not been taking much notice of proceedings. He had been vigorously scribbling on a piece of petromorphic ytterbium cellulose paper substitute, occasionally stopping to scratch his head. As he finished writing he looked up and his eyes widened.

  “Captain!” he called in a loud whisper before ushering jixX to the side, away from the Benjaminites. “I do not like zis, captain. Ve must escape.”

  jixX nodded, “I agree.”

  “I hov made a terrible discovery!” He glanced over at the Mamms to make sure he wasn’t being overheard. “I hov been puzzling over The Ultimate Inferior Beings, and I do not like vot I have found.”

  “Ah,” said jixX, his shoulders sagging.

  “Multiples of 26. Wherever I look I see multiples of 26. Is not good.”

  “Er, hadn’t we better be getting back?”

  “Look. If ve take ze initials of The Ultimate Inferior Beings, ve get TUIB. Ze quantum number of TUIB is 52.”

  “Good, good. Very good.”

  “No! Not good. It is bad. And zere’s more.”

  “There is?”

  “The Night Ripple. Initials: TNR. Quantum number: 52. Again!”

  “That’s... great. Well spotted.” He turned to leave, but fluX grabbed him by the sleeve.

  “And I’ve been vorking on anagrams.”

  jixX could see there was no escape now.

  fluX indicated the small sheet of paper substitute he’d been scribbling on. “Listen to zis! An anagram of ‘The Ultimate Inferior Beings’ is...” he paused as he searched for the appropriate scribble, “...‘I’m obliterating the Uniferse’.” He stared hard at jixX. “Is that not amazing? Is it not astonishing, zat it should come to say zat! Don’t you sink? ‘I’m obliterating the Uniferse’.”

  jixX took a look at the scribbles on the sheet. “Uniferse,” he read. “Universe doesn’t have an ‘f’.”

  “Ya, of course, I know zat!”

  “So, it’s not exactly an anagram, is it?”

  “Yah, that worried me a little. But zen I thought it could just be a bug.”

  “A bug?”

  “In ze English language.”

  jixX considered this for a moment. “You’re saying we’ve been misspelling the word ‘Universe’ for hundreds of years? It should have been ‘Uniferse’ all along?”

  “Could be. Maybe. You never know.”

  “Hmm.”

  fluX threw up his hands in exasperation. “Vell, it’s ze best can I do? I hov no computer to help me! I hov to do it all myself, without even so much as a desk on zis bonkers planet.”

  “Oh, look. Is that the time?” said jixX, finally escaping.

  *

  Just as fluX and jixX returned to sylX and the group of Mamms, there came the sound of a distant rumbling that sounded like an approaching thunderstorm. All eyes except Jeremy’s turned to see what it was.

  There, far off on the horizon was the glistening hull of The Night Ripple. It was gradually increasing in size, and it soon became clear that it was heading in their direction.

  “What’s that?” asked Randolph.

  “That’s our spaceship,” answered jixX, a huge smile breaking out on his face. He stretched out an arm and waved to the distant craft. The other two humans copied him.

  “Bit noisy, isn’t it?” remarked Randolph as The Night Ripple rumbled slowly and heavily across the black landscape towards them.

  “No more than usual,” said jixX who had never imagined he’d be quite so pleased at the sight and sound of The Night Ripple as he was then.

  *

  In the main control room of the aforementioned spaceship, LEP, informative as ever, cleared his throat and announced, “A group of ten Mamms, three humans and a large pile of bricks at twelve o’clock, madam. Distance 600 metres and decreasing.”

  “I can see that!” said anaX as she started to brake gently.

  The ship decelerated, causing Henry to slide forward from the back of the room until he ended up under a control panel at the front of the room.

  “Hey, where are you going?” asked anaX as he shot past her and out of sight. She leaned out of the command couch to look where he had gone. “Are you sure my ‘friends’ are in danger?” she asked him. “They seem to be standing and waving and smiling.”

  “D-dre-dread-d-ful-l d-dan-ger-r,” said Henry from underneath the control panel.

  The Night Ripple was now within fifty feet of the group so anaX gradually brought it to a halt, switched off the engines and cut the ship’s power to conserve energy. The lights in the control room and, in fact, throughout the whole ship, dimmed and the ship’s vibration became a gentle hum. LEP’s loudspeakers fell curiously silent, although anaX failed to notice.

  She again peered underneath the control panel where Henry was quivering. “What are you doing under there?”

  “Sh-shak-ing w-with-th f-fear-r,” came the answer.

  “What are you scared of?”

  “I have betrayed my friends,” explained Henry. “I am afraid of what they might do to me.”

  “Well I’m going outside,” said anaX. “I’ll try to put in a good word for you.”

  “But aren’t you going to attack them?”

  “I’m not armed.”

  “There’s a brick on the table over there,” said Henry, pointing. “Next to that green plant thingie.”

  anaX turned to where Henry was indicating and remembered the stowaway showing her the brick previously. She picked it up and read the note that was tied to it. ‘Landing permission granted’.

  “Just conceal the brick about your person,” Henry was saying, “and attack them the moment you get out.”

  “I’m a bit outnumbered.”

  “Ah, but you’ll have the element of surprise on your side.”

  anaX laughed. “I think they spo
tted us about a mile back.”

  “Maybe so. But they still won’t be expecting you to attack them.”

  “Good point,” said anaX, getting to her feet. “If I’m not back in half an hour it means I like it out there.”

  “And beware of Jeremy,” said Henry, with a shaky voice. “Watch his every move.”

  anaX waved farewell with the brick and left the main control room. On her way to the airlock she left the brick on the floor in the corridor.

  *

  Jeremy still stood still, as still as he could, as still as he had ever stood, as still as he would ever stand. And he was hating every second of it.

  What was worse, the unexpected arrival of The Dogs’ ship was of great concern to him. It looked very much like they might be planning to escape.

  Inside he fumed with anger and frustration. If only his voice hadn’t deserted him so inconveniently! The moment it returned he would be able to rescue the situation. But, in the meantime, he would play it by Randolph’s rules. He would defeat The Dogs in this contest and watch them be destroyed. He would keep standing still as long as absolutely necessary, for The Good of the Species, in the Light of the Dark.

  *

  anaX stepped out onto the flat, black ground for the first time and walked towards the group of Mamms and humans, wrinkling her nose at the unpleasant smell in the air.

  jixX was the first off the mark to greet her. “Thanks for coming,” he said in a whisper, shaking her hand. “You’ve probably saved our lives.”

  “That’s nice,” said the gynaecologist. A warm glow filled her and helped alleviate her slight, lingering feelings of guilt over the neutrino bomb.

  jixX briefly and succinctly explained the contest they were engaged in and how Jeremy was going first in the first of three sports.

  “Ah, Jeremy,” said the gynaecologist, raising an eyebrow. “Henry told me I should watch his every move.”

  “You’re more than welcome to do that!” said jixX, glancing over at Jeremy.

  “Henry?” asked Randolph, overhearing and turning towards her. “Do you mean our Henry? The inferior one?”

  anaX nodded. “He’s in The Night Ripple.” She nodded towards the ship’s glistening hull.

  “What’s he doing there??” asked Randolph, amazed.

  “Shaking with fear.”

  “Ah, that figures.”

  *

  Meanwhile, fluX had spotted something which had suddenly put him into a state of deep, deep thought and puzzlement. He stared at the cause of his consternation for a long time trying to fathom its significance. He knew it was important, but couldn’t work out why. Most fundamentally, he was sure it had some bearing on his work proving the existence of God. It was trying to tell him something, but he couldn’t see what. He wracked and wracked his brains for an explanation. But none was forthcoming. He would need to sit somewhere quietly and think this through.

  For fluX had noticed some writing on one of the screens surrounding Jeremy, in the bottom right hand corner of the frame. It was in English, and it consisted of just three words: ‘Made in China’.

  *

  “I think I’d better have a word with Henry,” said Randolph. “Would you mind taking me to him?”

  “Certainly,” said jixX. And then a thought occurred to him. Here was their chance to escape. “Do you mind if my crew come aboard for a little food and to freshen up?”

  “By all means,” said Randolph. “It might be a long wait for Jeremy to finish.”

  jixX looked excitedly at the others, trying to signal his idea to them with his eyes. This is too easy, he thought, so long as nothing goes wrong.

  “I’ll wait out here,” said anaX.

  Something had gone wrong. “No, no,” said jixX, signalling more urgently with his eyes, hand movements and facial contortions. “Come inside and have some food with us.”

  “I’m not hungry,” replied the gynaecologist and walked off to look at Jeremy and all the paraphernalia surrounding him.

  “Shall we go?” said Randolph slightly impatiently.

  “Yes, yes,” said jixX, exasperated by the gynaecologist ruining his escape plan. He watched her for a while, wondering how he might get her into the ship, but then shrugged. “Er, walk this way,” he said, turning and leading the way into The Night Ripple.

  *

  Left on her own outside, anaX soon got bored watching Jeremy, unlike the Mamms who seemed absolutely transfixed.

  She turned away and idly wandered back to the glistening hull of The Night Ripple surveying its exterior. She spotted a small inspection flap in the side of the hull and went to open it. Inside was a mass of complex circuitry.

  anaX glanced about her to check no one was watching and then started examining the circuitry in more detail. She took a small screwdriver from behind her ear and started making little adjustments here and there.

  *

  As jixX, fluX and sylX entered The Night Ripple with Randolph, they were puzzled at how dim it was inside. The corridors were unlit, and it was eerily cool and silent. jixX and sylX exchanged puzzled glances, but neither said anything.

  jixX showed Randolph the way to the main control room before returning to the others.

  “What’s with the lights?” he pondered aloud.

  The other two shrugged.

  “LEP,” said jixX in a whisper.

  No answer.

  “LEP,” he repeated, slightly louder; still no reply.

  “LEP, this is serious,” he said in an annoyed tone. “We’re in danger here and we need your help. And what’s wrong with the lights?”

  But still there was no reply.

  “Vot can ze matter be?” asked fluX, turning his scientific brain to the mystery.

  “Maybe someone’s switched LEP off,” suggested the stowaway.

  “Why would anyone do that?” asked jixX. “Apart from all the obvious reasons, of course,” he added.

  “Hmm,” said sylX thoughtfully. “Could be sabotage...” She frowned.

  “Sabotage?” asked the other two together.

  sylX nodded. “Statistics show that over 90% of Top Secret Space Missions have a saboteur on board.”

  “Really?” said jixX pointedly.

  “Don’t look at me,” said the stowaway defensively. “It’s my job to spot them and stop them!” She frowned even more deeply. “I may have missed one here.” She looked at fluX.

  “Iz not me!” said the latter.

  “Hmm,” mused jixX. “That leaves us with two chief suspects. twaX and anaX.”

  “Not the carpenter,” said the stowaway, shaking her head. “He’s too genuine. No one could put on such a convincing act. He’s a nutter, through and through.”

  “What about the gynaecologist?” asked jixX.

  “Yes, could be,” said the stowaway. “She’s been behaving very strangely.”

  “Ya, I agree,” said the behavioural chemist nodding vigorously.

  jixX nodded too. “That’s what I was thinking. All right, I’ll go back out and challenge her. You two get something to eat and... whatever else you need to do.”

  Chapter 8

  “Ah, there you are, you dog,” said Randolph on locating Henry under a control panel in the main control room.

  Henry jumped back, startled. “Aahh!” he cried in surprise and fear.

  “What do you think you’re up to? Eh?” demanded Randolph.

  “I-I-I’m t-t-terr-rribly s-s-sorry, oh Master,” stuttered Henry, cowering away from him. “But I only m-m-meant t-t-to...”

  Randolph sighed. “Meant to... what?”

  “I-I-I...” Henry was shaking so much that he seemed unable to speak.

  “All right, take it easy,” said Randolph soothingly. “Calm down and tell me what’s bothering you?”

  “Did...?” started Henry, struggling over every word. “Did the h-human... did she...?”

  “Go on,” urged Randolph.

  “Did... did... did...,” started Henry again, almost
in tears now. “Did... did... did she come out... and...”

  “And what?”

  “And... attack you?”

  Randolph looked puzzled. “Attack me?”

  “Th-throw a b-b-brick at you,” said Henry, shrinking further away and beginning to shake more violently. “Or any of th-the others?”

  Randolph looked even more puzzled. “No, she didn’t. She didn’t even have a brick. Was she planning to attack us?”

  Henry’s shaking suddenly escalated, becoming more and more pronounced. He closed his eyes, gave a dramatic tremble, and dropped down, unconscious.

  *

  As she made various minor adjustments to the wiring, anaX kept shaking her head at the appalling workmanship of the electronic circuitry behind the inspection flap. The layout was a mess and there were blobs of solder everywhere.

  Suddenly she heard a cough behind her. Guiltily she swung round and found herself face to face with jixX.

  “Doing anything important?” asked jixX, his voice heavy with suspicion and accusation.

  “No, just checking some circuits,” answered anaX with a guilty little laugh. A shudder ran through her on seeing no change in his serious and suspicious expression. What did jixX know? What had he discovered back in The Night Ripple? Had LEP told him anything?

  “Checking some circuits?” echoed jixX tonelessly, fixing her with a curious gaze. “You’re a gynaecologist.”

  anaX laughed her guilty laugh again. “Yes, this is just a hobby,” she said, indicating the inspection flap behind her. She gave a smile and a shrug.

  “Does your hobby have anything to do with the ship’s lights being off?” asked jixX accusingly. “Or with LEP being uncharacteristically quiet in there?”

  “LEP?” asked the gynaecologist. “Has something happened to LEP?”

  “You tell me,” said jixX. “He didn’t utter a single word while I was in there. No quips, no wisecracks – and not a single practical joke.”

  anaX looked shocked. “I didn’t do anything to him, I swear.”

  jixX cast a telling glance at the open inspection panel behind her. “Well, something, or someone, must have done.”

  “I’m innocent,” said anaX as tiny beads of perspiration broke out on her brow. And then, she had a thought. “Ah, wait. It was me!”