The Ultimate Inferior Beings

by Roman, Mark

  “Aha!” said jixX triumphantly.

  “I turned him off.”

  “Now we’re getting somewhere!” he said, anticipating a full confession.

  “I cut the ship’s power to save energy. I completely forgot about LEP. Oh no! Sorry, LEP.”

  Without another word she turned and ran off into The Night Ripple with jixX staring open-mouthed after her. She burst through the dioxystable modulo-cystometric airlock, tripped over the brick she had left in the corridor and – not for the first time in this mission – went tumbling to the ground.

  *

  When Henry came round he found himself in Randolph’s arms. For a few ghastly seconds he thought Randolph was trying to strangle him. Henry started struggling to get free, so Randolph released him and patted him comfortingly.

  “I’m really sorry,” said Henry.

  Randolph nodded understandingly, feeling a twinge of guilt and pity. He feared he was personally responsible, to a significant degree, for Henry’s current psychological state.

  “Why did you think the human was going to attack us with a brick?” he asked gently, without accusation, speaking softly and reassuringly. “Was it something you suggested she do?”

  Henry started quivering.

  “Well?” pressed Randolph gently. “Was it?”

  “I’m very inferior,” said Henry, still quivering.

  Randolph looked away, feeling more and more guilty. This was his fault; all those years of insult and abuse. “I understand,” he said, sighing heavily and sadly. “You had every right to, I suppose. After the way we’ve all treated you. I think anyone would have done the same in your position.”

  But Henry didn’t understand. “What?” he asked, baffled.

  Randolph patted Henry gently on the head. “You were hitting out,” he explained. “Getting even. You wanted to get your own back. You were after revenge and retribution.”

  “No I wasn’t,” said Henry, still baffled.

  “I think you were.”

  “No.”

  “Subconsciously. Without realizing it.”

  Henry drew back from Randolph, looking thoroughly confused. He didn’t want to argue with Randolph, but Randolph seemed to be missing the point somewhere.

  Henry frowned. “I’m very inferior,” he started by way of indicating he knew his place.

  “Yes, I know,” responded Randolph automatically.

  “But...,” began Henry, a lump forming in his throat. “I... I wasn’t after revenge. Honest, Randolph.”

  Randolph looked kindly down at him. “So what was the reason?”

  “I wanted to help the human save her friends.”

  “Save them?” asked Randolph. “From what?”

  Henry cringed a bit. “Um,” he said, his voice almost going. “From you... and Jeremy.”

  “From me??” asked Randolph astonished. “What danger are they in from me?”

  “Say you prove they are The Dogs,” Henry explained. “You will kill them, won’t you.”

  Randolph thought for a bit. “Yes,” he answered slowly. “But what concern is that of yours? Why should you want to stop that?”

  “Because it would be the end of everything for me,” said Henry, a small tear appearing at the corner of one eye. He buried his head in his hands.

  It was Randolph’s turn to look completely baffled. “How?” he asked.

  Henry looked up. “When The Dogs are destroyed,” he started, “that’ll be it. That’ll be the end. It’ll be what we’ve always waited for. No more Dogs. We’ll have saved the Universe. In the Hour of The Lie. For the Good of the Species. In the Light of the Dark.” Henry paused to let out a small sob. “So there will be no need for Benjaminism any more. Our job will have been done. It’ll be the end of our religion.”

  Randolph considered this carefully. The undersized blob certainly had a point.

  “And I’d miss that,” Henry was saying, a slimy green tear trickling down his slimy green cheek. “No more religious ceremonies. No more insults. No more condemnation. No more abuse.”

  Randolph eyed him steadily. “You’d miss that?” he asked to confirm that he understood correctly.

  “Yes,” said Henry, wiping the tear away. “I’d be lost if no one insulted me anymore.”

  Randolph let go of his tender hold of Henry. “You’re telling me you still enjoy it?” he asked, his voice growing harder. “After all these years of insult and abuse, you still like it?”

  Henry nodded.

  “I don’t believe it!” exclaimed Randolph, exasperated. “And here I was thinking you’d had enough! And feeling guilty about mistreating you!”

  “No. I did it all for me.” He grinned a feeble grin.

  This made Randolph finally lose his temper. “You did it for you?” he cried. “You did it because you like insults? What sort of hopeless, pathetic, sad creature are you, Henry?? Here am I, trying to offer you sympathy and understanding, and all you want are insults! You’re warped! You’re twisted! You know that?”

  Henry nodded.

  But this only made Randolph lose his temper even more. “You’re impossible! You are pathetic.”

  Henry grinned, lapping up the insults as Randolph became angrier and angrier and more and more abusive.

  Neither of them noticed that anaX had entered the room a few moments earlier and was in a state of utter shock at Randolph’s treatment of the smaller blob.

  “You are sick!” Randolph was saying. “Sick, sick, sick!”

  Henry continued to grin foolishly. Then, after one final insult from Randolph he gave an expert cringe and slithered out from under the control panel, across the room, past anaX and out through the door.

  As Randolph watched him go, he suddenly noticed the gynaecologist observing him. His mouth dropped open and he blanched in embarrassment.

  They stared at each other open-mouthed for a short time as Randolph tried to think of something to say.

  Finally he abandoned his search for an adequate justification of his actions. “I’m sorry about all that,” he said with a shake of the head. “It’s just that... he’s so inferior.”

  *

  jixX had just closed the inspection flap after the gynaecologist’s hurried departure when, out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the now all-too-familiar scene replaying itself: slimy green blobs hurtling along a pulseway, brick wall jumping out of the ground into their path, sound of almighty squelch, pools and puddles of slime twitching and throbbing, and, finally, the reconstitution of the aforementioned slimy green blobs, a little groggy, a little dazed, but each in one piece. Two pieces in total this time.

  “Ouch!” said jixX aloud, looking away, still unable to stomach the mechanics of the Mamms’ braking system.

  When he felt it was safe to look he saw that one of the two reformed blobs was urgently beckoning him over. He recognized the blob as Chris.

  “Hello, Chris,” he said, pleased to see him.

  “Hello,” said Chris cheerfully. Then, as jixX approached, he added in a whisper, “I’ve brought reinforcements.” He indicated the other blob. “His name’s Bill.”

  “Pleased to meet you,” said jixX to Bill, trying to hide his disappointment at the numerical shortfall of said reinforcements.

  “Bill has two bricks concealed about his person,” whispered Chris. “And he’s a crack shot.”

  jixX nodded, making an effort to appear impressed and reassured by this news.

  Just then, sylX and fluX emerged from The Night Ripple, nourished and refreshed.

  Chris raised his voice so all could hear. “First the bad news. Sir Roderick can’t make it today as he’s rather busy. He sends his apologies.”

  “Oh that is a shame,” said sylX as she approached. “Perhaps some other time.”

  “Indeed,” said Chris vaguely.

  “And the good news?” asked jixX.

  “Well, my application to join the Snob Blob Club has been accepted!”

  “Congratulatio
ns,” said jixX, taking this to be the right thing to say.

  It was. “Thank you,” said Chris, smiling modestly. A number of the other Mamms by the screens, who had overheard, looked up and also offered their congratulations, apart from Jeremy, of course.

  Chris turned to sylX. “Do I get a kiss?” He stood smiling expectantly.

  sylX blinked her eyes in surprise. “Me?” she asked, turning back to Chris. “You want me... to kiss you??”

  “It would make my day.”

  sylX looked at the others, her mouth open.

  “Go on,” said jixX, hiding a slight smirk. “Make his day.”

  “Ya,” agreed fluX, nodding vigorously.

  The stowaway looked daggers at the pair of them. “Alright,” she said reluctantly, kneeling on the ground. “But just a kiss, mind.”

  Whilst Chris puckered his lips, everyone else found themselves wondering what exactly the stowaway had meant by that.

  sylX slowly inched closer and closer. Chris did not strike her as particularly kissable, and he became less so the nearer she came to him.

  Then, summoning all her resolve, she gave him a quick peck on the green, slimy lips. She pulled back, surprised. It had been no worse than kissing a big wet jelly, but no better, either.

  “Thank you,” said Chris, giving a little tremble. “That was wonderful!”

  jixX exchanged amused glances with fluX. “How was that for you?” he asked the stowaway.

  She shot him a killer look.

  Chris turned to the two men. “Now it’s your turn,” he said to them.

  The smiles dropped from their faces.

  “You can’t be serious,” said jixX.

  “I am,” said Chris.

  “But we’re men!”

  “It’s all the same to me,” said Chris, puckering his lips again. “Now come on, give us a kiss.”

  The two men turned to sylX for support, but she was the last person on the planet likely to give any.

  “Go on,” she said simply, crossing her arms and smiling mockingly. “Make his day.”

  Chapter 9

  anaX was, once again, alone in the main control. She switched the ship’s power back on and blinked as the lights flickered back to full brightness. Control panels here and there sprang into action, some silently and some noisily. Display screens showed scrolling messages as they rebooted. The hum of the phonon engines became louder.

  LEP’s circuitry took a little longer to warm up. anaX tapped her foot as she waited for any signs of life from him. Then, finally, LEP spoke. Unfortunately, his opening line was so lacking in wit that it cannot be reproduced here.

  *

  Randolph emerged from The Night Ripple just in time to catch sight of jixX and fluX giving Chris a kiss. He found the sight slightly disturbing and gave a shudder, but said nothing.

  “Thank you,” Chris was saying. “I shan’t wash my face for a week.”

  The two humans looked distinctly unamused as they wiped the slime off their lips.

  Randolph gave a cough to announce his arrival, and Chris turned towards him. “I’ve been elected a member of The Club,” he explained proudly.

  “Not the Snob Blob Club!”

  “The very same.”

  “No!”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s fantastic. Congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” said Chris. He toyed with the idea of asking Randolph for a kiss, but decided against it.

  “Can’t be many non-members left now, can there,” said Randolph shaking Chris’s slimy green limb.

  “There aren’t,” said Chris. “I was the last. Apart from you lot, of course.”

  sylX looked down at Chris thoughtfully. “You mean every slimy green blob on this planet is a member of the club apart from the Benjaminites?” she asked.

  “Correct,” said Chris, still beaming his contented beam.

  “Not a very exclusive club then, is it.”

  “It excludes the Benjaminites,” said Chris with flawless logic.

  *

  Meanwhile, Jeremy, behind the screens, was continuing to stand perfectly still, bored out of his mind. What was worse were the continual itches, here, there and everywhere, that were plaguing him. Once this was all over, the first thing he was going to do was to have a good, long scratch. But at least he knew he was doing the right thing. For the Good of the Species. In the Light of the Dark.

  And then... all of a sudden... he moved! Not intentionally, but because of an involuntary twitch; a twitch that would normally go unremarked.

  But the six Mamms watching the screens certainly remarked on it.

  “You moved!!” they yelled simultaneously.

  Jeremy looked at them in disbelief, wanting to protest, but completely unable to.

  Randolph came over. “Okay, Jeremy,” he said. “Not a bad time. Good try.”

  Jeremy stayed where he was, protesting silently.

  “Come on out, or else I’ll have to disqualify you.”

  Jeremy reluctantly walked out from behind the screens, mentally muttering to himself about the way he was being victimized.

  Randolph turned to jixX. “Your turn now,” he said.

  jixX gave a weak smile. This, he realized, was it. Not only was he representing the crew of The Night Ripple, but also the whole of the Human Race. He stepped nervously between the knee-high screens and stood in a puddle of Jeremy’s slime. He realized that, because of the height of the screens, he only really needed to keep his legs still. Unfortunately, his legs were the part of him that trembled most.

  “Ready?” asked Randolph.

  “Yes,” said jixX bravely, with the look of a martyr, trying to control the shaking in his legs.

  The others wished him luck.

  “Steady?” continued Randolph.

  jixX took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

  “Stop!”

  He froze, hardly daring to breathe.

  A second passed. Then two.

  “You moved!!” screamed all six of the watching Mamms.

  jixX looked round at them in surprise, but realized that they were probably right. He felt very disappointed with himself. “Not too good, huh,” he said to Randolph.

  “Not really,” muttered Randolph. “Perhaps you’d like another go. After all, you are an alien.”

  “No,” said jixX knowing there was no point. “The better contestant won.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fair enough,” said Randolph. “One-nil to Jeremy.”

  On hearing this, Jeremy started wildly jumping up and down with joy. No sound came out of him apart from a loud, periodic squelching sound at each jump. They all watched the squelching victor for a while.

  “It’s not over yet, Jeremy,” Randolph reminded him. “Next contest.”

  *

  The next contest involved another small platform on the ground, this one shinier. jixX let Jeremy go first again.

  “Okay,” announced Randolph when Jeremy was in place. “Ready... Steady... Go!”

  The three humans watched Jeremy but, once again, he didn’t seem to be doing anything.

  “It’s not the keeping-perfectly-still sport again, is it?” asked jixX uneasily, looking at his watch.

  “No, no,” Randolph assured him. “This is Sliding, another ancient game requiring great skill and concentration. If you look closely you’ll see that one edge of the platform is slowly rising. The idea is to stay on as long as possible. The angle at which you slide off is measured.”

  “Ah, I see,” said jixX nodding. And indeed he could see that the platform was now inclined. Very exciting, he said to himself. But, no sooner had he concluded that this sport, too, would be of a lengthy duration than Jeremy slid off.

  “He’s off!!” cried all the Mamms.

  Jeremy fumed, unable to protest or make excuses.

  “That’s pathetic, Jeremy,” said Randolph in disgust, as one of the other Mamms stepped forward to meas
ure the angle of the platform.

  Jeremy gesticulated wildly for a bit, but then gave up. No one was taking any notice of him. He went off to sulk some distance away.

  Meanwhile, the platform had been lowered back to the ground and two of the Mamms had set to wiping it clean of Jeremy’s green slime, but succeeded only in covering it with their own.

  “Your turn,” said Randolph to jixX.

  jixX stepped onto the platform. Before he could ready himself, Randolph said, “Go!” and the platform started to rise. jixX felt the soles of his shoes slipping in the slime on the platform, so he shifted his feet to find a drier part.

  Higher and higher the platform rose, tilting further and further. After about a minute the platform was at quite a steep angle – much steeper than Jeremy had managed. jixX looked down at it. “Can I get off now?” he asked Randolph. “I think I’ve won, haven’t I?”

  “Don’t you want to try for the world record?” asked Randolph.

  “Perhaps some other time.”

  “Alright then. Good effort!” Then he added, “The score’s one-all.”

  jixX stepped off the platform and was patted on the back by fluX and sylX. Chris merely said, “Good show, old chap.” Jeremy, on the other hand, seemed to be silently fuming and mouthing words of disgust to himself.

  “Final contest coming up: the decider,” announced Randolph. “Walk this way.”

  *

  The equipment for the third contest looked like a drainpipe lying on the ground. It was a hollow tube, about ten metres in length, and about six inches in diameter.

  “This one’s a race, pure and simple” explained Randolph when all had gathered around.

  jixX perked up. “Ah, a race,” he said. “That’s more like it!” Without even realizing it, he found himself limbering up in preparation.

  “The winner is the one who can get from this end of the tube to the other in the shortest time.”

  jixX continued limbering up, shaking his hands and lifting his knees, and looked at Jeremy, wondering just how fast a Mamm could move. Then a thought occurred to him: if he went second the pipe would be slippery from Jeremy’s slime.

  “Can I go first this time?” he asked.

  Randolph looked at Jeremy, but Jeremy’s wild, non-verbal response was too difficult to interpret. “Sure,” said Randolph.