Memento Mori

by Lexi Blake

  “How many eyes do you think they have on it?” The conversation was making him uncomfortable. Was he taking River into something he couldn’t handle?

  Robert sighed. “I don’t know. I only know that we’re opening Pandora’s Box when we walk in there, and we better be ready to take care of whatever comes out. I want you to trust your instincts out there. We don’t have CCTVs in the forest. We can’t watch you. You’ll be on your own and you have to make the decision whether the mission is worth the risk or not.”

  “Don’t you want to know who you were?” Sometimes it was an ache inside his body. For now, River filled it in a way nothing ever had before, but he worried what happened if he stayed with her long term. He couldn’t avoid telling her what had happened to him forever. She would wonder why he had no family, why there was so much he didn’t know or understand. Right now she simply thought they were weird coworkers and that Tucker really was his brother. How would she feel if she found out the truth?

  And he had to wonder if there was anyone out there, anyone at all who’d loved him, who missed him.

  Robert stared at the parking lot. “I’m not sure I want to know. I can’t get my memories back. I don’t think any of us is like Theo. He doesn’t remember everything, but he knows who he is. He can remember the important stuff about his life before.”

  “I think I did something with flowers. I know a lot about them. Sometimes I get flashes of my hands in the soil, planting something.”

  A faint smile lit Robert’s face. “I get those, too. I think we all do. I think mine is from childhood. Either that or I like to hold hands with giant women. When the sun hits my face in just the right way, I can feel a hand in mine, and in my mind I look up and see a face, but she’s backlit by the sun. I can’t make out her features, but that feeling…I’m safe. I’m loved. I think she was my mother.”

  He knew some of the others had flashes. “Maybe we’ll know one day. I don’t know how I feel about that either. There’s this whole world out there and I can’t see it, but I know it could affect the world I have now in ways I can’t imagine. I don’t want Tucker to ever find out.”

  Because he was worried about what Tucker would do if he ever remembered he’d been Dr. Razor.

  “I can’t see it,” Robert admitted. “I know what that mercenary said. I know Ezra knows more than he’s saying, but how could he be so different? Sometimes I think what McDonald truly did by pulling our memories out by their roots was to strip us down to the essence of our souls. She took us down to the core essentials of ourselves. I can’t see how a man whose soul is so full of light becomes someone who tortures people.”

  But Jax could. “He goes through torture himself. He gets kicked again and again and again and he’s given nothing to hold on to. We had each other in there. That was her real mistake. She called us brothers. And some of us turned on one another. Sasha…I still struggle to deal with him.”

  Sasha had been the most brutal of them all. When they’d been forced to fight, Sasha had reveled in hurting the rest of them. While Jax had fought to survive and nothing more, Sasha had fought to win and had enjoyed standing over his opponents.

  “He’s been better since we’ve been on the outside,” Robert said. “I don’t know that we should blame anyone for what we did inside. We would all come out looking bad.”

  Would it ever end? He’d had two days of tantalizing peace, but the past was out there. The trouble was he couldn’t prepare himself for it. There was a monster waiting and he wouldn’t see it coming until it hit him in the face.

  Robert stiffened beside him. “Jax, stay calm.”

  That was when he realized he’d been so lost in conversation with Robert that he hadn’t seen the men coming up behind them. Big Tag would have his fucking hide for this. He was definitely thinking with his dick, and his dick wasn’t very security minded. In the reflection from the glass in front of him, he could vaguely see a man behind him. He could definitely feel the press of something against his spine.

  “Keep quiet and do everything I say or I’ll take you out right here and now,” a low voice growled.

  A gun pressed against him and it looked like asshole number two had Robert.

  Yep, he was going to get his ass kicked for this.

  * * * *

  River hated big box stores, but they sometimes came in handy. The Trading Post could order much of the equipment she needed, but it would take at least a week for shipping, and Ezra had made it plain that he wanted to be able to go the minute the weather cleared. He was paying for the expedition, hence the trip to the massive outdoor and sporting goods store.

  “This one is super easy to set up,” the salesman was saying. “It’s a pop-up tent, but it’s quite roomy.”

  Heather frowned. “It’s also super easy to fall apart. I don’t like that company. They cut corners.”

  Andy nodded. “Heather’s right. I recently read an article about that particular company outsourcing a bunch of its manufacturing work to third world countries. They’re using sweatshops and child labor. Nell Flanders was protesting them a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure how she thought protesting them at the Trading Post would do much, but the woman is serious about protesting. She had signs and everything. Did you know she carries an emergency bullhorn with her?”

  River shook her head at the salesman. He was only doing his job and that was to push whatever they had the most of. There was also the fact that she was a woman looking for camping equipment. All male salesmen seemed to think they could quickly get rid of her. “We’re going to look for a little while. Thank you. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to get serious.”

  The salesman sighed and strode away. And River resigned herself to being here for a while. She’d hoped they could get out of here quickly. She wanted to get back home. The rain would stop in a day or two and they would have to get to work. She’d grown to crave the quiet time she had with Jax. They’d spent the last two days cuddled up on her couch with Buster, watching movies he’d never seen. The man worked in the entertainment industry, but he’d never seen some of her favorites like Titanic. He’d teased her terribly when he’d gotten all emotional and pretended like he didn’t know the whole ship went down.

  She had fun with him.

  Tomorrow she was going to ask him if he would help her pack up her father’s things so they could redo the master bedroom and move into it. It was time. She still felt numb when she thought about her father, but Jax was slowly defrosting her.

  She resented the fact that she had to spend one of her precious days with him shopping for equipment in a massive store where she wasn’t even sure where he was because they’d split duties and she hadn’t ended up with him.

  Not that it made sense he would go with her to make the big decisions. He didn’t know a lot about camping. He was better with a list of the incidentals they would need.

  “All the really good stuff has to be ordered,” Andy said, flipping through one of the numerous catalogs the store offered. “Are you sure we can’t put this off a couple of days? If we pay the rush fee on these, we can probably be ready by next weekend. I would feel better going out with the best, and after what these dudes are paying us, we should be able to buy the Cadillac of tents.”

  “I don’t think they want to wait and that’s one of the reasons they paid so well,” Heather commented.

  Andy shut the catalog and turned to her. “Have we thought about this?”

  She’d thought about it a lot. She definitely wanted at least one larger tent. Jax couldn’t fit into some tiny thing. He would need some room. And they couldn’t make love in a single person tent. He was inventive and liked to try new positions. She wasn’t about to inhibit his creativity by shoving them in a tiny tent where he couldn’t maneuver that big, sexy body of his.

  Yep, she was getting hot right here in the middle of the store. The night before he’d drawn her up on her hands and knees and taken her rough and hard. She’d simply ridden the tidal wave
he created every single time he got his hands on her.

  “I’ve thought about it. We can get serviceable equipment here and still have money to buy some excellent stuff later on. We can always sell this equipment as long as we take good care of it.”

  Andy’s eyes came up. “I wasn’t talking about the stuff. I was talking about the job itself,” he said, leaning in. “Do we want to get involved with something like this? This is the freaking CIA we’re talking about.”

  She wasn’t sure they weren’t going on a wild-goose chase. It was another thing she’d thought long and hard about over the last few days. “I think maybe these guys are putting too much stock in rumors. The Internet is full of them. The world seems to run on conspiracy theories these days. If you ask me, I would bet we’re going out there and we’ll find some abandoned ranger post from the forties or a shelter someone built. Those aerial photos don’t show much more than what looks like a metallic roof.”

  “I think River’s right,” Heather chimed in. “We’re going to spend a bunch of days hiking through the wilderness, and I bet we find some guy’s illegal hunting cabin and all we’ll get from it is stale chips and warm beer and a warrant for the dude’s arrest. I’m not worried about it at all. Now let’s talk about something way more fun. Your new puppy is so cute. He’s going to be big. He’ll do well out here. Someone knew what they were doing when they picked out that dog.”

  Yeah, that sounded suspicious. She’d wondered if Jax had some help. He’d managed to walk into town and somehow know exactly where to go. “First off, Buster belongs to Jax, not me.” Although she was rethinking that. Jax was on the road a lot. How would he take care of a massive dog? She couldn’t stand the thought of Buster in a crate somewhere or boarded at a vet’s office. Maybe she should offer to keep him and when Jax had time, he could perhaps come into Bliss and visit. But she wasn’t going to admit that yet. “Did you go to Noah’s and ask for the biggest walking pile of fluff he could find?”

  Noah Bennett was the county’s vet. He was also known for being able to pair strays with their perfect pet companions, and yes, he put it like that. He firmly believed people were the ones who needed pets, not necessarily the other way around.

  Heather had the good grace to at least blush before she admitted guilt. “I might have asked Noah to start looking for you. I know you wanted time, but it can take time to find the right match. Buster had come in a couple of days before and I was trying to figure out how to broach the subject with you. When Jax asked me how he could properly apologize, I took the chance. I think you should seriously consider keeping him. Jax, I mean. I know you’re going to cave and keep Buster.”

  Andy crossed his arms over his chest, his irritation obvious. “Could we get back to the situation at hand? Am I the only one who wants to know more about these people before we waltz out into the woods with them? How about we run a background check? Do you think it’s a good idea to let Heather or yourself go out there alone with these guys? I think I should go with you if you insist on going at all.”

  She’d made this decision days ago. They would hike out together, find a rough base camp and then leave Ezra and Big Tag and the others there. She would take Jax and Tucker with her. Robert and Owen would be with Heather. Ty would stay at base camp and Andy was going to run the office while she was gone.

  Andy didn’t agree with the plan. He thought the women needed protection from the dangerous film crew. So far the only danger she’d detected was that Tucker whined when he was hungry and Big Tag could lay the sarcasm on pretty thick. Though she did worry about Dante and Sasha a bit, but she wouldn’t be alone with them. As long as she gave Jax enough kisses and Tucker enough food, she would be okay.

  “Somehow I think if Jax was going to attack her, he would have already done it,” Heather pointed out. “And I’m comfortable with Robert and Owen. I do think I’m going to hike out early and they can meet up with me. Robert knows what he’s doing. I talked to him last night and he’s obviously spent some time camping. I want to scout the area before I bring them out there.”

  Jax had admitted he didn’t know a lot or she might do the same thing. “You think Robert can find his way to you?”

  “I’ll give him the coordinates. There’s a known wolf pack in the space we’re exploring. I want to get in there and make sure we’re not tromping all over their territory. They can get aggressive if we go into the wrong places,” she said.

  “Another reason to take me along,” Andy pointed out.

  She shook her head. “I need you to answer the phones.”

  “Let Heather do that,” he shot back.

  Heather’s shoulders squared, her eyes flaring. “You misogynist. Are you too good to answer the phones, or is it that your penis makes you better in the field than me?”

  He winced but didn’t back down. “I don’t want you to get hurt by men we don’t know. That’s all I’m saying.”

  They were giving her a headache. She kind of wished Andy had been with them on the night of her big bar fight. He might not question Heather if he knew how good she was at getting other human beings in headlocks. “Heather’s been in that part of the woods. She took those biologists out there when they were tagging the wolves. You’ve never been there. It makes no sense to have you do it and we need Ty at base camp in case something goes wrong. You can either answer the phones, or not and we’ll shut down for the time we’re out in the field.”

  “Good,” he said. “I’ll go with you.”

  He didn’t understand a thing. “No. You’ll look for another job. I can’t run this place like a democracy. I need someone to answer the phones and keep the office open. If you can’t do that, I’ll have to hire someone else.”

  His face went red and he turned on his heels. “I think I’ll go see if Ty needs help. I’m obviously not wanted here.”

  “Damn it. Andy, please wait.” She couldn’t afford to lose anyone, and he’d been helpful.

  He stopped but didn’t turn around.

  Heather huffed, but it was a conciliatory sound. “I’ll go see if Ty and the others need help. River, I’ll watch the phones if I need to. Andy, I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to watch out for us, but I truly feel I’m the best person to take them out there. I’ve become an expert over the last couple of months. I spend a lot of time in the forest. And I’m quite good at self-defense. River is, too. We’ll both have rifles and several people know where we’ll be and who we’ll be with. I don’t know how to be safer than that.”

  She walked back toward the sleeping bags where they’d left Ty going through the selections.

  “I’m not trying to be difficult,” Andy said, finally turning around. “I just think we’re going into this blind. I think waiting a few days and maybe doing a background check into these guys could be helpful.”

  “We sort of go into everything blind if you think about it,” she replied. “We don’t background check our clients. They can always lie to us.”

  “But the client is usually a family or a bunch of dorky thrill seekers,” Andy pointed out.

  He was missing a couple of salient points. “And those thrill seekers can be dangerous. They don’t listen to us. Do you remember the guys who said they were only going out for a pleasant bachelor weekend and they ended up taking a shit ton of peyote and we found one of them talking to a tree he thought was a Smurf?”

  Andy chuckled. “Yeah, I do. It was like herding cats getting those assholes back to Bliss. And then there’s the damn Squatchers.”

  Squatchers were a special brand of nature enthusiast. They firmly believed Bigfoot lived in the national forests and the government was hiding an entire species for some reason. Like any group they could be a ton of fun to work with or a massive pain in the ass. “It’s like that, except this time we have the sheriff and the mayor and Henry backing them up. I trust Henry.”

  His jaw went tight. “I don’t know if we should. I’ve heard so many rumors about him. Someone told me he used to be CIA and he
faked his own death.”

  It was the single most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. Henry was a pacifist vegan who worshipped his wife. He’d been a history professor at one point. He certainly hadn’t been some killer spy. “I’ve lived here all my life. This whole place thrives on crazy rumors. Mel believes his girlfriend’s sons are half alien. You can’t listen to rumors around here. Or you should listen to them because some are funny as hell. You can’t take them seriously, though.”

  “But don’t you think it’s odd that there’s a rumor about Henry Flanders being a former CIA operative and then we get a group of men who come in here looking for a CIA base?”

  “In the middle of national forest land.” This was precisely why she was worried about what the producers would do when they couldn’t find what they were looking for. Luckily, she’d had Gemma go over the contract and they couldn’t get their money back. She wasn’t responsible for their delusion. “The CIA doesn’t work on American soil. Jax and the guys are chasing a story but that doesn’t mean the story is real.”

  Not that she’d said anything to Jax. The last thing she wanted to do was argue with him. He’d been so serious, she couldn’t burst that bubble until she had to. She’d already thought about how to handle his disappointment. She would be as good a girlfriend as she could.

  God, was she thinking of herself as his girlfriend? She was setting herself up for some serious heartbreak, but she couldn’t seem to stop.

  Andy’s mouth was a flat line as he seemed to think about his next method of attack. “Did you notice that Taggart person had a gun?”

  It did not surprise her in any way. “He’s from Texas. I’m pretty sure they all have guns.”

  “Fain was carrying, too.”

  She hadn’t seen any evidence of guns, but it also wasn’t illegal. “I understand if you don’t want to work with them. But I trust the sheriff and Henry Flanders. I absolutely trust Nell. If she honestly thought someone was in danger, she would be protesting in the streets. She’s not. She’s been making breakfast for the guys.”