The Full Experience

by Dawn Doyle

  “What is it?” Ava asked when Donnie ended his call.

  “That was the Dean,” he said, looking at his phone in disbelief. “Beck’s dad sent a car to pick him up in the early hours. He left.”

  “He’s left me,” Raven cried. The hot tears rolling down her face.

  Ava wrapped her arms around her. “I doubt that, Ray. He’s crazy about you.”

  “Yeah,” Donnie agreed. “I’ve never seen him as crazy happy as he is with you, and there’s no way he would’ve left you.”

  “Don’t you see?” Raven said, trying to catch her breath. “Look around; everything’s gone!”

  “But he’s mad about you,” Ava assured her.

  “Then where the fuck is he?” Raven shouted, sobbing louder into Ava’s shoulder as she held on to the box Beck had left behind.

  She held on to her friend as she shook with grief.

  “I’m going to call his dad’s office,” Donnie said, looking through his phone. “I don’t have it, but the number should be listed.”

  Raven held out Beck’s phone for Donnie. The numbers were in there.

  He tried Jack’s number, but it was off. He got the number to the office, then handed her back the phone.

  She turned it off and then placed it inside the box.

  “If his dad’s taken him home, I’m sure there’s an explanation,” Ava said in a soft voice. “If what Donnie told me is true, then it must’ve been something big for him to come here himself.”

  “It’s ringing,” Donnie said, interrupting them.

  Raven listened intently as Donnie spoke on the phone. She hoped that it was all just a misunderstanding and Beck hadn’t left without her. She hiccuped through her sobs as she listened to him talk.

  “Yeah, Beck Traynor; Jack’s son. He picked him up last night, and we want to know why. He didn’t tell anybody where he was going, and his girlfriend is worried sick.” There was a pause as he listened. “Why would he do that? Do you at least have a number I can call him on?” Another pause. “I don’t give a shit. You need to give me some way of getting hold of Beck.”

  Raven watched as Donnie paced, growing angrier by the second.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind? I’m his best friend! His girlfriend is sobbing her fucking heart out in his empty room, and we have no fucking idea why he’s gone. Hello? Hello?” Donnie looked furious, and it was obvious the person on the other end had hung up.

  “What did they say?” Ava asked.

  Donnie turned to Raven with a sympathetic look, mixed with disbelief and fury.

  “The receptionist said all she knows is that Jack arranged for Beck to fly to New York this morning.”

  “What?” Raven gasped, her hand over her mouth. Fresh tears flowed over her cheeks, dripping off her chin.

  “She said that they don’t have any way of reaching Jack right now because he said not to be disturbed. She said they don’t have any number for Beck and all she can do is leave a message for Jack to pass it on when he’s available.”

  “That’s ridiculous! What kind of person does that?” she asked, angrily. “What about his degree?”

  Raven had heard enough. She wasn’t sitting around waiting in Beck’s empty room to find out why he’d left. She stood and began to walk out of the door.

  “Ray, where are you going?” Ava asked, standing up.

  “I’m going to see the Dean,” she said, her voice thick. Raven turned and stormed out of the building, her eyes red and swollen from crying.

  *****

  Raven ignored the stares as she marched through the main building and stopped when she reached the Dean’s office. She didn’t care when her hand hurt as she hammered on the door with her knuckles.

  “Come in!” The Dean called out and Raven pushed the door open with force. “Miss Valiente…”

  “Why the fuck did Beck leave with his dad?” she growled, cutting him off.

  “Miss Valiente, you need to calm down,” he said with his hands up.

  “I’ll calm the fuck down when you tell me what the fuck happened.” Raven placed her palm flat on the table, and glared at the man behind the desk. Only then did she realize she still carried the box from Beck’s room.

  “We have rules, and you’re violating those rules with your attitude. Kindly refrain from using that language in my office,” he said, rising from his chair.

  “I don’t give a shit about the rules,” she spat. “Just tell me why I go to Beck’s room and find that everything is gone and he didn’t so much as say one fucking word about it.”

  Raven could feel her emotions reaching their peak. She was close to losing it and nothing would stop her from having a complete melt down right there in the office.

  Her hands shook, her legs trembled, and her pulse pounded in her ears. Still, she never took her gaze away from the Dean. He knew something; she could tell.

  “It’s confidential…”

  “Tell…me,” she ground out through gritted teeth.

  The Dean sighed. “His father called in the early hours to say he would be sending someone to pick him up.”

  “And?” she asked. “Do you think he’d leave, just like that, after all of his hard work?”

  “He called saying he’d been made aware of a ‘situation’ and demanded Beck be allowed to finish his studies off campus.” The Dean shook his head in confusion. “I’m not sure what situation he was talking about or why he wanted that, he didn’t make sense, but he wasn’t happy about something. He just said he’d received a call to pick him up.” Raven could see in his expression that he had no idea what had happened.

  “So he’s not coming back? At all?” Her lip quivered at the realization that he’d not at all felt for her the way she thought.

  That maybe he loved her.

  He never did.

  “Raven…” the Dean began, using her first name, and moving around his desk. “I’m really sorry about this.”

  Right then Ava entered the office.

  “Excuse me,” she said, interrupting them. “Ray-Ray, let’s go.” She put her arm around Raven’s shoulder and turned her to leave the office.

  “I don’t understand,” Raven said, her eyes filling again. “Why would he do this? To me…to us? I thought we were strong together. I thought I knew him, Ay. I thought…”

  Raven’s throat caught when she broke down in Ava’s arms. She cried her heart out right there in the doorway to the Dean’s office.

  Kerry and Leila appeared and joined in, creating a group hug.

  Raven could hear their soothing voices, but couldn’t make out their words over the sound of her heart breaking in two.

  Raven didn’t know how she got back to her dorm, but somehow she ended up in her bed with the girls surrounding her. The box from his room sat on her nightstand, but she turned her back on it. She didn’t want to look at it.

  The girls were talking, but Raven didn’t pay any attention to their conversation. She caught a few words about Beck being an asshole, a scumbag, and a piece of shit.

  Even after finding his room empty, Raven still felt the need to defend him. She swallowed it down and ducked further under her covers, her hands shielding her ears from hearing anything else.

  She couldn’t get her head around why Beck would leave her like that. Sure, his past ‘rules’ made perfect sense, but with her… he’d said he wanted her. He’d told her over and over how much he thought she was beautiful and how much he needed her. So, if that was all true, why did he have his father take him away?

  After giving it some more thought Raven had come to the conclusion that Beck had done the one thing he said he never wanted to do to her.

  He’d fucked her.

  *****

  “Ray, you need to eat, honey,” Ava said as she sat on Raven’s bed.

  She hadn’t been out of her dorm in four days.

  “I’m not hungry,” Raven replied, her voice hoarse from crying.

  “Come on, eat something. You’re going to
make yourself sick.”

  “I don’t give a shit,” Raven spat. “I’m not hungry and I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Ray-Ray, we’re worried about you. You’ve missed your classes, you’re not eating and you’ve only had a little bit of water in almost five days.”

  “Leave me alone,” Raven whispered. “I don’t want to talk, so please just go.”

  “Ok, honey, but I’ll be back after class. I’ll leave this here,” she said, the sound of a plate hitting the wood of the nightstand. “Please just try to eat even a tiny bit.”

  Raven felt Ava’s hand stroke the top of her head before she got up to leave.

  The girls had visited over the past days since Beck had left, but Raven hadn’t gotten out of bed. She didn’t want to talk about Beck leaving and she certainly didn’t want any visitors to see her in the state she was in.

  It was easier to tell everybody to stay away until she felt like getting up.

  Raven’s phone beeped in her hand, and she quickly looked to the screen to see who it was.

  Even though he’d not contacted her, or anybody else, she’d wished that Beck would just send her a text, letting her know his reasons for going. She’d even dreamt that it had been a mistake, which made it worse when she woke up to the knowledge that he was still gone.

  The beep was a text from her mom, telling her that her dad had some vacation time coming and they would love for her to spend the semester break with them. She hadn’t told them what had happened, and she wasn’t about to either. It was still a few weeks until the break, but she wasn’t ready to tell them her heart had been torn apart.

  Raven replied a quick ‘that’d be great’ reply to her mom, then turned off her phone.

  The tears began to fall, and she curled herself up as she sobbed yet again.

  “You can’t come in. Raven doesn’t want visitors,” Ava whispered to somebody at the door. “Donnie, I said no.”

  “She needs to get out of bed,” he whispered in reply. “This isn’t healthy,”

  “I can hear you,” Raven said from beneath her quilt.

  “Raven…”

  “Don’t call me that,” she snapped.

  “Sorry, Ray,” he apologized. “Look, you need to get up. That fucking asshole doesn’t deserve your tears.”

  Donnie had had his share of anger after the way Beck had left. His own best friend leaving without a single word. He’d tried to call Jack, Beck’s dad, but he couldn’t get through to him, no matter how many messages he left.

  “It’s not that simple,” Raven said, holding back another round of hot liquid that threatened to spill from her eyes.

  “You’re right,” he agreed. “But this is his doing. He’s potentially fucking up your senior year because he was too selfish to stay and sort out his own fucking head!”

  Donnie had spoken the same words that had run through her own mind.

  “I don’t care. Hey..!” Raven shrieked when her cover was pulled back off of her. She was about to lash out at Donnie, when she saw it was Ava that had done it.

  “Get up, Ray.”

  “No.”

  Ava took hold of Raven and dragged her off her bed, onto the floor.

  “Get off me, Ava. I’m not leaving!”

  “Get undressed, get in the fucking shower and then fucking eat something!” Ava yelled. Raven blinked up at her friend’s determined face, and slowly got up. “Good, now go.”

  Ava pointed to the bathroom, and Raven went. She spent a few minutes cleaning herself and then bathed her puffy eyes in cold water. By the time she was done, she found that Ava had stripped and changed her bed.

  “Eat,” she said, pushing the blueberry muffin in front of her.

  Donnie and Ava sat and watched Raven take small pieces of the muffin and put them into her mouth. Her throat burned as she swallowed, but she was grateful of the food. Her stomach growled in appreciation too.

  “That’s good, Ray,” Ava said, smoothing her hand over Raven’s wet hair. “Now we need to get you out of this room.”

  Raven’s eyes snapped to hers. She didn’t feel anywhere near ready to go out.

  “Come on, Ray,” Donnie smiled sympathetically. “Even if it’s only for a little while, ok?”

  Reluctantly, Raven nodded her head.

  Ava took her hand and led her out of their dorm room, and down the hallways to the entrance doors.

  Raven saw that college was going on all around her like nothing had even happened. Everywhere looked the same, but she knew it wasn’t, and would never, be the same again.

  Taking a deep breath, she walked through the door to the outside.

  “Hey, Raven.” Some students walked past and greeted her, but her skin crawled at her name. Most people called her Ray. Only Beck had ever used her full name.

  It didn’t matter that they didn’t know that, it hurt just as much as if they did.

  They walked further outside until they reached the main hall where students were gathering for lunch. Raven kept looking towards the floor until they reached their usual table.

  “Oh my God, Ray!” Kerry said, standing quickly to hug her.

  “It’s good to see you out,” Leila said, joining in the hug.

  “Let’s sit down. We don’t want to attract any more attention,” Ava whispered.

  Raven sat in her usual spot, and automatically looked up to the spot where Beck used to sit before they were together. The other guys were there, but his seat was empty. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and blinked away the tears. She felt Ava’s arm around her shoulders, and the other girls took hold of her hands. The guys turned and looked to Raven and smiled awkwardly before turning back to their conversations.

  “I need to go,” Raven mumbled, standing up from her seat. “I don’t want to be here.”

  Before any of the girls could stop her, Raven hurried to the door and headed back to her dorm.

  *****

  “Raven, it’s nice to see you,” The professor of Economics greeted her as she walked through the door.

  It had been over a week since she’d last been to class, and it was only through Ava’s support that she felt strong enough to go to the class that she and Beck had shared.

  She nodded her acknowledgement, then went and took her seat. The one next to her feeling cold in it’s emptiness.

  Other students entered and sat at their own seats. Raven looked up and saw that Kato was smiling smugly in her direction.

  Her stomach knotted up with anger. He was clearly glad that Beck was no longer around.

  He continued to stare, making Raven feel uncomfortable, but she didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing that.

  She tried to concentrate, hearing the words, but nothing was going in. She couldn’t pay attention to anything the professor was teaching and by the end of the lecture Raven saw that she hadn’t taken a single note on her paper.

  All she could think about was how Beck would tell her to concentrate, to pay attention, to listen to the professor.

  She scrubbed her hands over face and then left the room.

  It wasn’t long until she heard Kato sniggering behind her.

  “I see you’ve finally surfaced again, Ray,” he said, amusement in his tone.

  “Leave me alone, Kato,” she said, sounding bored and walking faster to get away from him.

  “I never expected Beck to leave, but it’s a good thing he’s gone,” he added, ignoring her. Something in his tone made it sound like he thought it was amusing that Beck had left. “He wasn’t good enough for you.”

  That caught her attention, and she turned quickly.

  “Really?” she snapped. “And who is, huh? You?” she laughed coldly.

  “I could be, Raven.”

  Raven’s temperature rose. Kato was talking to her in the tone that Beck used with her. Instead of it arousing her, she felt nauseated by it.

  “Leave. Me. Alone,” she ground out between her teeth.

  “Don’t you see I just
want a chance, Ray? I’ve only ever asked for a chance; that’s all.”

  Kato stepped towards her, and reached out to grip her forearm.

  “I don’t want to, Kato. I’ve told you before. Why won’t you listen?”

  “One date is all I ask for, Raven. Why can’t you give me just that?” Kato’s tone had taken an angry turn. “Just one.” His grip tightened on her arm as she tried to pull free.

  “My dad’s a cop,” she said, surprising him.

  “So?”

  “So do you think he never taught me to protect myself?”

  “What?” he growled, gripping her other arm.

  Raven acted quickly. She wasn’t going to let Kato try to intimidate her into going out with him, and she certainly wasn’t going to let him hurt her.

  Instead of struggling, she pulled her arms downwards, causing Kato to lean forwards towards her. She brought her forehead into his face, head-butting his nose. His grip loosened, and she brought her leg up between his with the ‘ol faithful knee to the nuts, and watched as he fell to the floor groaning in agony.

  “Don’t touch me, and don’t fucking speak to me ever again, or I swear I will fucking cut you!” she shouted.

  Raven walked away, panting for breath; her hammering pulse drowning out all other noise.

  “What the hell?” Ava asked in disbelief when Raven told her what had happened. “Who the fuck does he think he is?”

  The questions reminded Raven of the times Beck would get to her, and Ava would listen to the details. Except she’d never said just how much his words had turned her on. Kato’s; on the other hand, angered her and had her blood boiling in her veins.

  “I lost it, Ay. As soon as he grabbed me, I knew I was going to hurt him.”