The Full Experience

by Dawn Doyle

  “Good!” Ava nodded. “Nobody had the right to touch you without your permission.”

  Raven felt the sting in the corner of her eyes. That was another thing Beck had said to her in the past.

  “Oh God, I’m sorry,” Ava apologized and wrapped her arms around her. “I didn’t mean…”

  “It’s ok,” Raven whispered as she fought back her tears. “It’s just so hard, Ay. Why is it so hard?”

  Raven hadn’t been that upset when she’d broken up with her high school boyfriend who she’d been with for two years. They’d drifted apart, and she’d felt more relieved than hurt.

  “I think it’s because we didn’t see it coming, Ray. We had no idea.”

  “You got that right,” she snorted, wiping her eyes. “I’m going to go back to our dorm. I’ll see you later.”

  Raven walked away from Ava with her head down. She didn’t want anybody to see the redness of her eyes.

  She locked the door, kicked off her shoes and climbed into her bed, pulling the covers over her head as painful memories fell from her eyes.

  Raven popped her head out of the covers when her phone beeped. Reaching to her nightstand, she checked her message. It was a college notification telling her that the Dean wanted to see her.

  She ignored it and turned her phone to silent. There was no way she was going to go anywhere for the remainder of the day, and certainly not in the state she was still in.

  *****

  Four weeks had gone by, and the days hadn’t been getting easier. It was coming closer to the same amount of time that Raven had been with Beck, than she’d been without him. That thought didn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Everything that reminded her of him, hurt. Going to class, going to the hall, going to the library…they were all empty spaces to her. She was empty; hollow inside her chest where her heart used to beat for him.

  Raven no longer cried. She had turned inside herself in an attempt to block out the pain, and she no longer felt anything but the remnants of sorrow that had eaten away at her soul.

  Raven decided to at least try -after much persuasion from Ava- to attend Economics class, but she couldn’t hear anything nor see anything that was being taught. It was as though the world around her had blurred, and she couldn’t pinpoint a single thing to concentrate on.

  It was then she knew that she’d lost all motivation for college. None of it seemed to matter to her anymore, and she didn’t care either.

  Her days had been spent alone watching mindless TV shows in the rec room, trying to numb the pain that gripped her every time she thought about Beck. She tried to shut them out, but the whole campus reminded her of him, and their time together.

  The Dean had requested to see her a few times, but she never went. She didn’t want to sit in that office again after the last time she was there.

  The day Beck had left her.

  Getting back to her dorm, Raven lay in her bed and stared at the plain ceiling. She had no idea how long she’d been lying there when Ava walked in with Donnie.

  “Hi, Ray-Ray,” she said cheerfully. “How did class go today?”

  “Pretty much of the same,” Raven replied, not looking away from the small spider that was making its way across the white area.

  “So, are you doing anything later?” Donnie asked.

  “Nope.”

  “Do you want to come to the Green Bridge with us?” Ava sat next to her on her bed.

  “No thanks.”

  “Ray, come on,” Ava sighed. “It’s been weeks now. You have to get out there and start living your life again.”

  Raven took a deep breath and slowly released it. No matter what anybody said to her, everything brought Beck to her mind. Ava was right. She needed to live her life, but the only way to do that was to get away.

  A loud knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts.

  Donnie opened it and another senior student stood on the other side.

  “Hi, um, the Dean wants to see Raven. He said it’s urgent,” the girl said before walking away.

  Raven had ignored every notice that she’d gotten, but sending a student to her door… she couldn’t ignore. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Ava asked, stroking her arm. “Or, at least until we get to his office.”

  Raven nodded. “Thanks, Ay. You’ve been great these past weeks, and I’m lucky to have you as my friend,” she said, her voice catching in her throat.

  “You’re welcome, honey. I’m not going to sit by and watch that asshole tear my best friend apart from afar.”

  Raven knew who Ava was talking about. She’d stopped calling him by his name and used ‘asshole’ instead. Even Donnie and the girls did too. It made it a little easier not hearing his name. Around campus was a different matter.

  “I better go see what he wants,” she sighed and the three of them left to go to the Dean’s office.

  “Come in and close the door, please,” the Dean said as Raven walked in.

  He gestured for her to take a seat, and she sat in the brown armchair opposite him, behind his mahogany desk.

  “I’ve been sending notifications to you for a while, Raven,” he said. “I have a number on file for you, but I don’t know if you’ve changed it. Have you received any notices?”

  “Yes,” she replied flatly.

  “Then why didn’t you come to my office?” he asked, his eyebrows meeting together in a frown.

  “I didn’t want to come here.”

  “Excuse me? Given the circumstances over the past weeks, I would let the first couple slide, but it’s been almost a month, Raven. A month and you’ve not been to see me when I ask for you!”

  “My name is Ray…” she corrected him, “…and I’m here now, aren’t I?”

  The Dean looked as though he was angry, but Raven only felt impatient. She wanted to know what the hell he wanted so she could leave. Her hands began to shake with the memories of the last time she’d been there.

  “Ray, you’re an adult, and you should behave as such,” he began, his jaw working in agitation. “From what I hear, you haven’t been attending your classes and you’ve been fighting.”

  “That was self defense. Kato grabbed me when I told him to go away.”

  “So what did Linzi do?” he asked, folding his arms, waiting for her to explain that one.

  Raven let her head fall back, and she closed her eyes.

  Shit.

  “Hey Ray,” a female voice said as Raven walked to the main hall with Ava.

  Raven turned to see Linzi, another senior, walking in the same direction. Her brown hair flowed down her back in waves and her denim cut off shorts with tight pink tank top left little to the imagination.

  “Hey,” Raven replied without stopping.

  “Where’s Beck?” Linzi snorted.

  That made Raven stop and take notice. Nobody had asked her that question.

  “What?” she asked, adrenaline pouring through her veins.

  Raven knew that a lot of girls were jealous of her relationship with Beck, but they’d never let it bother them. Their being together was only their business.

  “Your fuck buddy,” Linzi smirked. “Where is he? Has he gotten bored already?”

  “Ray!” Ava shrieked as Raven launched herself at Linzi.

  Her fists flew and connected with various body parts, fingers grasped brown strands, and palms stung from a multitude of slaps landing on bare skin.

  Ava pulled Raven back, but she continued to lash out. “Ray, stop!” she cried.

  Raven stopped, fighting for her breath as fury still erupted from every pore in her body.

  “You fucking psycho!” Linzi screamed from the floor as she held her face with one hand and her side with the other.

  Raven looked around and saw that a crowd had gathered to watch. Ava held her shoulders and turned her away, directing her back to their dorm.

  Nobody said anything else to her afte
r that, which was good, but Raven felt embarrassed at her own behavior and the words that had triggered her to lose control.

  ‘Has he gotten bored already?’

  It was another knife added to the already crowded block in her chest.

  “So?” The Dean asked, getting her attention. “I only heard about that this morning, Ray. That kind of behavior cannot continue on this campus. You’re lucky that Linzi isn’t pressing charges.”

  “I didn’t break anything,” Raven replied.

  “That’s beside the point!” he raised his voice. “You beat up that poor girl for nothing!”

  “Nothing? Nothing?” Raven shouted. “Is it nothing when somebody laughs at you and then proceeds to imply that the person you saw yourself with had left because they’d gotten bored of you? Is it nothing when people are staring at you and whispering things about you? Is it also nothing when all you want is to be left the fuck alone?” Raven was standing with her fists tight, tears streaming down her face, and her legs close to buckling beneath her.

  She felt as though she was back in the same emotional state as the last time she was there, and that day flooded through her in waves.

  Raven’s chest hurt, and she put her hand over the empty space as she fought to control herself.

  “I think you need some time to think about what you want to do with your time here, Ray. I would advise you see somebody about your anger.” The Dean put up his hands when Raven opened her mouth to retaliate. “I understand your reasons; I do, but believe me when I say you’re getting off lightly with this. Anybody else would have been dismissed from this college in the first instance.”

  “There’s no need to do that,” she said, her voice cold. “Don’t do me any fucking favors.”

  Raven turned towards the door.

  “I haven’t finished,” the Dean called out.

  “I have.” Raven reached for the handle of the door with trembling fingers and pulled it open. Ava’s wide eyes and open mouth told her she’d heard everything. “Let’s go.”

  Chapter 10

  Six months later.

  “I still can’t believe it’s all over,” Ava laughed as she sat in Donnie’s lap. “We’re finally free!”

  “Free to start paying back student loans,” Raven chuckled.

  “Yes. Thank you Ray,” Ava said, playfully nudging Raven with her elbow.

  “Anytime, Ay. Anytime,” she winked as she took a sip from her beer bottle.

  Their group, and a lot of other students, had gone to the bar just out of the city to celebrate their graduation the day before. It wasn’t long after they’d arrived that the beers began to pop and bottles of wine had been poured.

  They sat in groups around the tables and shuffled around so they could talk easily among themselves.

  Raven turned to look towards the bar at ‘Big Mike’ as the customers called him, and he gave her a warm smile. The owner of the bar, he wasn’t somebody to be messed with, but to Raven he was a cuddly bear.

  He was a tall guy, at least six feet four with wide shoulders and arms to match. His black hair and green eyes, similar to hers, got him a lot of female attention. Especially when he threw his signature smile at them.

  Mike served another customer further up the long bar that stretched from near the door to the back of the building. It curved around and stopped near the bathrooms on the opposite side.

  There was a small area for people who wanted to dance, but the majority of the dark blue flooring was taken up with round wooden tables and chairs. Some of the chairs were soft fabric, and Raven was sat in one of them.

  She sat back against the green cushioned material, facing away from the entrance, and had her feet tucked under herself.

  “Whose round is it?” Donnie asked, lifting his empty bottle.

  “Yours!” More than a couple of voices shouted.

  “Shit, I shouldn’t have opened my mouth,” he grumbled, but he was joking. He lifted Ava up off his lap and kissed her before he walked over to the bar to order the next lot of drinks.

  “How’ve you been, Ray?” Wynn asked, as he held on to Kerry’s hand.

  They’d hit it off since the Green Bridge bar, and were now a couple. It was nice to see Kerry happy in a stable relationship. Leila, however, remained as single as ever.

  “I’ve been doing ok, thanks,” Raven replied. “Better.”

  It had taken a while, but Raven had begun to come out of her funk and had started to smile again. She was ok as long as he wasn’t mentioned. There were a few other reminders that she couldn’t let go of, no matter how much she tried.

  “What’s been happening around these parts?” Leila asked, accepting her new glass of wine from Donnie as he returned.

  Ava stood and resumed her position on his knee.

  “Not much, just the same as usual,” Raven answered. “Mike’s been great and there’s not been much for me to think about here.”

  “Any cute guys come in here?” she asked, and Raven snorted a laugh.

  “I think you’re asking the wrong woman, Leila,” she said, turning back to glance at Mike. He winked, and she smiled in return.

  “Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask.” Leila lifted her glass to her lips and sipped the red liquid.

  Raven took a drink of her beer then swung the bottle by the neck between her fingers. She watched her friends’ happy smiles, getting kisses from their boyfriends, and chatting excitedly about things to come. She felt the familiar flare of sadness churn in her stomach but held it back.

  Get over it, Ray, you were together for a month. It wasn’t anywhere near long enough to feel like this.

  Only the voice in her head was wrong. She felt like that then, and she still felt like that seven months later. Even though time had healed some of her pain, the rest was just laying dormant, occasionally attempting to rise to the surface. Luckily, she had Mike to take her mind off it with plenty of things to do.

  The conversations carried on around her and Raven sat quietly as she listened to them talking. They were laughing about things that had happened over the past few months. Things she wasn’t aware of. Leila had gone to the bar and brought back a chipotle grapefruit margarita in an extra large pitcher.

  “Oh my God, it’s huge!” squeaked Kerry as she watched Leila place it on the table.

  “That’s what she said!” One of the guys said; earning him laughs from the others.

  That was one of the worst lines Raven had ever heard.

  “Fucking amateurs,” she mumbled more to herself.

  In an instant, she was angry with herself. Not from what she’d said, but because of the immediate thoughts at the innuendo.

  The thoughts of what he would say in response.

  “Amateurs?” Wynn asked. “That line’s a classic. It can be used with almost anything,” he chuckled.

  “There’s no originality there,” she countered. “It’s pretty lame, even for school kids.”

  “Have you got anything better?” Another guy asked.

  Yes I do.

  Raven shifted in her seat when eyes turned to her.

  “Actually yes,” she said, before telling them. “You could say, ‘thanks, it’s not even hard’.”

  “Oooh!” The group chorused, high-fiving each other. “Or, you could say ‘wait ’til you see the other half’.”

  “Where did you hear those?” Wynn asked, laughing loudly.

  “I have a tonne of that shit stored away,” she replied. The hurt from the memories of the years past digging their hooks into her.

  Raven felt Ava rubbing her shoulder. She turned and gave her friend a reassuring smile.

  “Beck.” Donnie said, freezing in his seat.

  “Donnie, what the fuck?” Ava chastised him.

  “Beck,” he repeated, his eyes wide as he pointed towards the doorway where a man in an expensive black suit and tie walked in.

  “This looks like a cozy party.” The low rumble of his voice rolled through Raven, and she closed her eye
s.

  Slowly, she stood from her seat and turned in the direction of the voice.

  “Beck,” she whispered in disbelief as she took in the figure that had approached them.

  *****

  Raven’s inside were churning as she fought to believe that Beck was actually standing in front of her. He was even more handsome than she remembered, and he looked professional in his suit and his styled hair. Her pulse throbbed, and she willed the tremors away that he was causing to run through her. Although she hated him for what he’d done, he still had that power over her body with just his presence.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” Donnie growled in anger.

  “Me? Shouldn’t you be asking her that question after what she did?” Beck asked looking pointedly to Raven.

  Raven stood glued to the spot, staring at Beck who was looking at her with hate filled eyes. She had no idea why he would look at her that way, when he was the one who left.

  “What I did?” she asked in shock. “Don’t you mean what you did?”

  Raven could feel the lump forming in her throat, but she fought it back. She wasn’t going to cry. Especially in front of the person that had caused her so much pain.

  “You played me,” he snarled at her. “That was your plan all along, wasn’t it? String me along just to report me anyway. Were you trying to teach me a lesson?”

  Raven was confused. She had no clue what he meant.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” she asked, her eyebrows pinching in question. “Why would I do that to you?”

  “I could’ve gotten kicked out of college and caused problems for my dad if it got out,” he said, ignoring her. “He got the Dean to allow me to finish my studies at home.”

  “What? I never said anything!”