Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

“I know. But I want to be with you, Cole. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  He nodded and looked away from me. “I’ve heard it before.” And then he turned and headed into the building as I stood on the sidewalk staring after him.

  No hug. No kiss. No comfort. But I didn’t deserve those things. I’d let Cole down one too many times, but tonight would be the last time.

  I rehearsed in my head what I wanted to say to John, but how did you end a marriage? What were the right words to say?

  “I’m leaving you.” Too blunt.

  “It’s over.” That might not be clear enough.

  “I’m fucking my boss.” Too harsh.

  I hoped the right words would just come to me when it was time, because rehearsing wasn’t doing me much good.

  The closer the car crept toward home, the harder my heart pounded in my chest. My stomach was in knots and my ears buzzed. I pulled into my space and took a few deep breaths before I got out of the car. My legs felt like jelly as I moved toward our front door, and my hands shook as I unlocked it.

  And then I was inside, and it was dark. When I got to the bedroom, I found my husband on the bed watching television with the lights off.

  “Hey,” I said, standing in the doorway.

  He flipped off the television, sending the room into complete darkness. Then he flipped on the lamp on his nightstand, and we both blinked in the brightness that filled the room.

  He sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard. “Where were you earlier?”

  “When?” I asked, dodging his underlying question. I didn’t move from the doorway.

  “I came to your office a little after seven and you weren’t at your desk. Where were you?”

  I cleared my throat and pulled in a deep breath as I tried to calm my racing heart. This was my chance, and I wasn’t going to back down this time. “I was there.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Where?”

  “In Cole’s bathroom.”

  He nodded slowly, as if he’d known all along, and then he stood. It was as if he needed the less vulnerable position of standing before asking his next question. “What’s going on between the two of you?” His voice took on a hard edge.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” he asked, his voice rising.

  I shook my head.

  “But it’s something. Right?”

  I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  I shrugged, unsure what I should say.

  “Do I want to know? I don’t want to know.”

  He was right. He didn’t want to know.

  “Whatever it is, Lucy, we’ll work through it. We’ll figure it out. It’s us, babe. We can overcome anything.”

  “Not this,” I whispered.

  “Not what?” he asked desperately.

  “I’m sorry, John,” I said, my voice hoarse as tears filled my eyes.

  He looked around the room in shock, his eyes out of focus as he pieced it all together. “No. Lucy, no. Tell me you didn’t.” His eyes slowly drifted to me. His voice lowered to a hiss and his eyes narrowed. “Are you sleeping with him?”

  Admission meant the true end of our relationship.

  And for as much as I’d convinced myself that I didn’t even like John anymore, he was still my home. He was the man I’d married, and he was all I’d known for the past five years.

  Everything was going to change.

  Everything.

  And that wasn’t really something I’d thought about when I’d given into the passion I felt for Cole. Was passion enough to build a relationship on? Was passion a solid foundation?

  I wasn’t sure it was, and I was pretty sure that starting a relationship without really being free to do so wasn’t the best place to begin, either.

  But my silence was as good as an admission of guilt, and that meant that nothing would ever be the same again.

  I looked away from him. I couldn’t lie, but I didn’t want to admit the truth, not when I knew how much it would hurt both of us.

  “Goddammit!” John yelled in anger. “You’re married, and you’re fucking your boss. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  The tears spilled over onto my cheeks.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

  He took a deep breath as anger turned into blame. “Was it my fault? Did I push you away?” He stepped closer to me and I took a step backward.

  I shook my head. Maybe I’d been feeling neglected, but sleeping with Cole had totally been on me.

  “Okay,” he said, nodding. He’d morphed into problem-solving John. “Okay. We can work through this. It’ll take time for me to trust you again, but you’re my wife.”

  “That’s not what I want,” I said, forcing courage I didn’t feel into my tone.

  He ignored me and moved closer, his lips moving toward mine.

  “John, listen to me.” I set both hands on his chest and pushed him away. “That’s not what I want. You’re not what I want. Not anymore.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, the words finally registering. “You don’t…?”

  I shook my head.

  “So that’s it. It’s over.” His voice was flat.

  A sob pushed up from my chest. “It’s over,” I whispered.

  He was quiet for a few beats, contemplating my declaration. And then I watched as the anger turned him from the man I’d married into a stranger. “Fuck your fake tears. Give me the ring back and go stay with your boyfriend.”

  I sighed. “He’s not my boyfriend. Can’t we talk about this?” My voice was meek. I didn’t want to provoke his anger further.

  “You’re fucking your boss and our marriage is over. So we’re pretty much through here.”

  His words stung, but the pain was something I had coming. I deserved every hateful word John flung at me. I deserved his worst.

  I pulled the ring box out of my purse and set it on the dresser.

  He deserved space from me, so I went into the closet and packed an overnight bag. John was no longer in the bedroom as I moved from the closet to the bathroom. I grabbed a few toiletries and then walked through the apartment I shared with my husband, not sure where I was going but sure that I was no longer welcome in my own home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  I sat in my car, staring at Cole’s phone number.

  He was staying at a hotel somewhere in LA. That was all I knew about his residence.

  In fact, now that the deed was officially done and my relationship with Cole was out in the open, I realized for the first time how little I actually knew about him. I knew how I felt about him, and I knew how he made me feel. I also knew he could be a royal douchebag and he was moody and unpredictable.

  Would he even want me to come over? Was I even sure I wanted to see him?

  I supposed I could go to my sister’s house, but she was an hour away and it was already late. And I wasn’t ready to tell my parents about what happened, so I couldn’t call them.

  I had a few friends I could stay with, but none I felt comfortable calling after eleven at night.

  Besides, calling any of my friends would be admitting I’d failed at marriage. I wasn’t ready for that to go public, not yet. This was all too fresh.

  So really, my only option was Cole. I could go to a hotel, I supposed, but I needed someone. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

  I pressed the call button with shaking hands.

  It rang six times and then went to voicemail.

  I thought maybe he was still at the office, so I started driving in that direction. I wasn’t exactly sure why. My car just sort of led me that way.

  I thought I was invincible. I thought I could do whatever I wanted and wouldn’t have to face the consequences. I broke wedding vows like they were meaningless. I slept with one man after I’d committed my life to another. In the process, I acted selfishly, doing what felt good instead of wha
t was moral.

  I wasn’t raised that way. We think of cheaters as horrendous people with tons of issues, but I wasn’t like that. I’d simply fallen out of love with one man while I fell in love with another.

  Love?

  Was I in love with Cole?

  It was hard to say, and if I really thought about it, I surmised that it wasn’t really love at all.

  I was in lust with Cole. I wanted Cole near me all the time. I wanted him inside of me, pumping in and out of me as his strong body hovered over me. I wanted my cheek pressed against the cold wood of his desk while he fucked me from behind.

  But did I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Did I want to have children with him? Did I see us growing old together?

  They were questions I didn’t have the answers to. Not yet, anyway.

  But now that John knew the truth, we were free to pursue whatever kind of relationship we wanted.

  There might be talk around the office. People might think I was sleeping with the boss to get a raise or the Assistant of the Year bonus. People might presume that it was Cole’s fault that my marriage ended. But did I really care what they thought? Did it matter?

  As I pulled into my parking spot, I looked around for Cole’s car. The gorgeous Audi S8 Sedan sat in the very first spot in the lot.

  I got out of the car, my emotions totally mixed as I made my way toward the building. I was drained and tired. I was hurting over the loss of my marriage. Yet I felt this spring of excitement welling up inside of me. Cole and I had real possibilities ahead of us.

  There would be no more hiding. No more secrets. No more lies.

  I opened the front door. Each step that brought me closer to Cole gave me more and more hope for my future with him. It was scary, to be sure, but he would hold my hand as we took that leap together.

  I rode the elevator up, tingles of anticipation dancing down my spine as butterflies took hold of my stomach. Nerves piled on top of my already mixed emotions, and then a sense of giddiness kicked in when the elevator bell rang for our floor.

  I stepped off the elevator and headed toward my desk that sat right outside Cole’s office. For as much as I’d just lost everything, I housed a whole lot of hope in my heart for my future with Cole.

  I walked past my desk to Cole’s door, ready to walk in and surprise him. Ready to tell him with excitement that John and I were through, that we could explore whatever this was between us.

  When I peered through the door that was wide open for the world to see, my first thought was that my eyes were betraying me—that someone else had gone into Cole’s office to have sex in his desk chair. A big joke, screwing someone in the boss’s office.

  It couldn’t be Cole. He wouldn’t do that to me. He couldn’t be sitting in his chair with his hands cupping the ass of a woman with long blonde hair as she bounced naked on his lap.

  It couldn’t possibly be Cole in that chair.

  But when the woman who straddled the man’s lap threw her head back in pleasure and I was able to get a good, clean view of the man in the chair, I could no longer deny it.

  Cole Benson was fucking another woman in his office.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  “No,” I whispered. “No, no, no.” My instinct was to run, and so I ran.

  “Fuck!” I vaguely heard Cole behind me as he realized he’d been caught.

  Karma was such a mother fucking bitch.

  The agony of what I’d just witnessed ripped my heart clean open, but even through the pain, I could still see very coherently that I got exactly what I deserved.

  I’d done the exact same thing to John. What made me think that Cole was some stand-up guy who wasn’t just using me? I’d known all along what a dick he was, and he’d played on my vulnerability.

  The question was why he’d done that.

  Why had he given me false hope? Why had he preyed on me? Why had he allowed me to ruin my marriage with his lies?

  Why was he having sex with some blonde woman in his office?

  I was a complete and utter fool.

  I ran down the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me, blinded by the tears that poured out of my eyes. A guttural sob rose out of my chest, and I was incapable of stopping it.

  I was acting purely on instinct now.

  I got into my car and started it. I was in no condition to drive, and I had no idea where I was going, but I had to get the hell away from the man who I had allowed to ruin my life.

  I pulled onto the road, tears still blinding me. I knew it was dumb, but I wasn’t lucid enough to stop. I didn’t want Cole to run after me and to find me. I couldn’t face him, not now and maybe not ever.

  Because it was so late, the roads were essentially empty. I pulled into the parking lot of a local bar that looked like it was still open. I gulped in a few deep breaths, and then I got out of the car, headed into the bar, and ordered a shot of tequila. I took it, the liquid burning my throat, and I ordered another one. I took that one and ordered another. By the time the third one slid down my throat, it didn’t burn quite as badly.

  It was just another poor decision in a long string of them.

  I waited for the alcohol to permeate my system. I needed the numbing magic that only tequila could give me. I needed to think about something other than John and Cole and…just men.

  Some asshole tried to hit on me. “I’d love to buy your fourth,” he said.

  I glared at him and didn’t bother with pleasantries. “I’m not interested.”

  I was pretty sure he called me a name under his breath, but I was beyond caring. He was right. I was a bitch.

  John deserved better than me.

  But you know what? I deserved better than Cole.

  I’d lost count of how many shots I’d taken, but eventually numbness settled over me. I had no idea how I was going to get home.

  Actually, I couldn’t go home.

  I started giggling.

  I couldn’t even go to my own damn home. John didn’t want me there, and he deserved some space from me after what he’d found out. I was homeless and drunk and single.

  I’d have to deal with a whole bunch of shit in the morning, but tonight…

  Tonight, I was going to dwell in the numbness. I was going to allow myself this one night to forget about everything.

  The bartender shot me a strange look as I giggled by myself on a barstool, but I didn’t care. Drunken Lucy found the whole situation highly funny.

  I saw some bills hit the counter in front of me, appearing as if raining down from the heavens. As I looked up toward the sky to find the source of the raining money, someone grabbed me roughly around the waist and hauled me off the barstool. The scent of Cole Benson assaulted my senses with a vengeance.

  “What the hell do you want?” I slurred.

  “You’re drunk.” Cole gazed at me in surprise. We were moving, but I didn’t feel my legs walking.

  “What the fuck did you expect?”

  I heard someone protest, “Leave her alone!”

  “She’s with me,” Cole said over his shoulder, and then the warm California air hit my face.

  “Where are you taking me?” I asked.

  Cole didn’t answer as he dragged me toward his car. He pushed me into the passenger seat and leaned around me to fasten my seatbelt. I accidentally breathed in his scent as he passed in front of me, and even through the haze of tequila, I felt the pang of heartbreak.

  That scent represented lust and possibilities, and both were shot to hell forever where Cole Benson was concerned. He was playing some game, and I couldn’t be a pawn anymore.

  He walked in front of the car and then got into the driver’s seat. He fired up the engine, and every movement seemed to be happening with a blurred shadow following it. I watched in silence as he drove, pushing out the painful memories of the last time we’d been in his car together.

  “Who was she?” I spat out bitterly.

  “Is this really a conversation you want to
have when you’re drunk?”

  I pursed my lips and looked out the window. Asshole.

  I may have muttered the insult aloud. He didn’t bother with denial; instead, he remained silent as we drove on toward some unknown destination.

  The urge to break the seal, so to speak, suddenly overwhelmed me at about the same time my stomach started to turn on me.

  “I have to pee. Or puke.”

  “If you do either of those things in my car, you’ll be cleaning it in the morning.”

  “Fuck you, Cole Benson.”

  He smirked. “Can you wait three minutes? We’re almost there.”

  I exhaled noisily in frustration. I couldn’t stop my knee from bouncing up and down as I did my best to hold it.

  “Where?”

  “My hotel.”

  “Cole, I don’t want to go to your hotel.”

  “Too bad.”

  “I don’t even want to be in the same room as you.”

  “Too bad.”

  “I hate you.”

  “I don’t doubt it. You’ll get over it.”

  “God, you’re an asshole.”

  “An asshole who’s taking care of your drunk ass, Ms. Cleary. An asshole who’s presenting you with a ten thousand dollar check tomorrow, so you may want to drink some water so you’re not sporting an epic hangover in the morning.”

  “A ten thousand dollar check?” I looked over at Cole. “I won?”

  “Congratulations, Assistant of the Year.” He glanced in my direction with a wry smile.

  “Are you serious right now?”

  “I am,” he said.

  Holy shit. I hoped to God I remembered this conversation in the morning.

  “And I just want to reiterate that you winning this award has nothing to do with the fact that we’ve been sleeping together.”

  I glared at him, unable to think up a witty response. I was certain one would come to me much later. It always did after the fact.

  We pulled up in front of the Ritz-Carlton.

  “Fucking Ritz,” I muttered petulantly. Cole could’ve stayed anywhere he wanted, and of course he chose a five-star hotel for his extended stay before he settled into a new home. Of course he could afford such a luxury while his now homeless assistant was desperate for the huge bonus offered by the Assistant of the Year award. He probably spent the same amount in a week at the Ritz while I clipped coupons for Greek yogurt and frozen pizza.