by C. A. Harms
I went to the kitchen in need of a break. When I sat at the table, the first thing I saw was the most recent sonogram picture of our daughter.
Thirty-three weeks today. That’s how close we were. But I knew in my heart that the chances of Patrick being here the day Abigail came into this world were slim. It broke my heart to think of him passing without getting the chance to see her sweet face at least once.
Then I wondered if in his current state he would even want that. The thought immediately made me angry at myself. Of course he would want that. I don’t care how pissed at the world he was.
“Sawyer.” I jerked in surprise when Gage said my name. I took a deep breath and slowly turned in the chair to face him. “How’re you holding up?” he asked as he knelt before me.
I nodded, though I knew there was really no point in lying to him. He knew me, so he knew this was killing me. I tried to look away when tears pooled in my eyes.
Then he was holding me tight. I buried my face in his neck and sobbed.
“Let it out,” he urged, “just let it all go.”
I wished then that Patrick was the one holding me close in his strong arms. I missed my husband’s arms. I missed the way he’d always done everything he could to make me feel safe.
I sat in the darkness with my legs curled up in the chair, my body shielded by the large blanket wrapped around me. I’d thought of going to bed a long time ago, but instead I was listening to Pat’s breathing patterns.
This was his third night sleeping in the hospital bed in the center of our living room, and though he hated it, I knew it was easier for him to sleep on than our old worn-out couch.
Each night after he’d fallen asleep, I tried to go to bed, but I eventually found myself back in the living room, watching him and listening to his breathing. I guess I needed it for my piece of mind. Though his breaths were weak and labored, I still needed to be able to hear them. I think in some weird way it was comforting.
When he was asleep he wasn’t angry or pushing people away. He was just peaceful. I needed to see him this way, I guess, because the hard times were beginning to drown out those happy memories, and each day I found holding myself together more and more difficult.
The room was dark, save for the illumination from the light above the sink in the kitchen. The gentle hum of the refrigerator was the only other sound. I’m not sure at what point I allowed myself to fall asleep, but the sound of his voice jolted me awake.
“Sawyer.”
I sat up straight and the cover slipped from my shoulders as I leaned forward, looking him over from head to toe. My heart raced as the thought of being here alone with him when something catastrophic happened. The moment my eyes reached his, I found him staring back at me.
“Is everything okay?” He shook his head, and my heart seized. I stood and walked toward his bed, my hands shaking as I did my best to stay in control of my fears. “What hurts?”
He lifted his hand and rested it over his heart.
I stared at him in confusion.
“I’m sorry.” I could sense that whatever was on his mind was hard for him to face as his eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “Please don’t hate me.”
Suddenly it was hard to breathe.
“Why would I hate you?” I took his hand and offered a gentle squeeze. “I could never hate you, Patrick.”
“I’ve been such an ass, and knowing this, but being unable to control it breaks me.”
“You’re going through so much,” I said as I sat on the edge of his bed.
“So are you.”
I closed my eyes for only a moment when he ran his fingers through my hair that hung loose over my shoulders. “I’ve allowed the fear to consume me and gave it the power to make me forget what I have. I’m just scared.”
I opened my eyes, and his cheeks were wet from the tears he tried to control.
“I’m so scared how I’m gonna miss everything. I’m scared of not being here to protect you and Abigail.” He took a shuddering breath. “I don’t want you to be alone, Sawyer.”
“I’m not,” I said, cupping his cheek. Part of me knew he wasn’t just referring to me not having any family at my side, but I refused to sit here and talk about the possibility of finding another man. It hurt too much.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but please just listen.”
Panic raced through me, and I did my best to tame it. He needed this, so for him I’d listen.
“I need you to understand that it’s okay.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to ever feel guilty about moving on. A year, ten, it doesn’t matter, because I know you love me. I know I’ll always be a part of you.”
I nodded. He smiled at me, and the sight of the tear that ran from the corner of his eye made my chest ache. “I want you to live, Sawyer. I want you to be happy. Promise me you will.”
I couldn’t do it. Agreeing meant I was agreeing to love again and I wasn’t sure I could ever do that.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he added with a knowing grin. “Don’t forget that I know you better than anyone.”
“I can’t promise you that I’ll move on, but I promise I’ll be happy for our little girl.”
“Just so you know, Gage assured me he’d watch over my girls. So it helps knowing you’ll have him here to protect you. Because if I can’t be here to do it myself, there isn’t another person I trust more.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer. I allowed my body to fall into his, and the moment his arms wrapped around me, I gave in to my emotions. I cried for all the things we’d miss out on and all the years we were being robbed of as my body shook against his.
“I love you,” he whispered as his lips skimmed over my temple. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you that as often as I should lately. But know that no matter how angry I get, or how sad and agitated, that my love for you never fades. I’ve woken up every day we’ve been together and felt as though I’ve fallen in love with you all over again. In the short time we’ve had, I’ve been given more than most have in a lifetime, and for that I feel lucky.”
Chapter 18
“What exactly are we doing?” I asked as Luann and Willow led me to a table in the back of the church Willow attended. They’d shown up at my house bright and early to whisk me off for a day of pampering.
Now here I was three hours later with my hair and makeup done and wearing a new dress, but I still didn’t know what the point of all this was.
That was until I stepped into the large room and found not only my foster mother Rachel, but every other woman Patrick and I knew. The men were still back at my house.
“Surprise,” they shouted in unison, and I covered my mouth in surprise, though it couldn’t hide my joy.
The room was decorated in pink and purple along with balloons that said Girl on them, and presents were piled on and around a table off to the left. Tons of food was spread out on two tables near the back.
“This is a party to celebrate my niece,” Willow said with a huge smile. “It was Patrick’s idea and we did the rest.”
I closed my eyes and could almost picture the look Patrick had had on his face when I entered the living room to find his mother and sister waiting for me. That alone should’ve told me he had a hand in this.
After crying with him for nearly an hour the other night, I saw what I could only refer to as relief in him. He still got angry and agitated at times, but the smile I had missed was back too. Throughout his discomfort and pain, he’d still found it important to do this for me, and for our daughter. That alone confirmed he was the greatest man I knew.
My day was filled with silly games, laughter, and presents. Pink everything would soon grace our home.
When the party ended and most of the guest had gone, I sat next to the woman who had shown me late in my life what a mother’s love felt like. Rachel did her best with me, but by the time I reached her home, I was tainted with the idea that I was unlovable. That came from years of bein
g tossed around from one home to another without being given a chance to find my place. But she didn’t give up. Even when I’d hide away and ignore her efforts, she just kept pushing.
“Thank you,” I said without looking over at her. If I had, I wouldn’t be able to get the words I needed to say out. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you that, and I should’ve. You took a rotten, scorned teenage girl who believed the world was filled with nothing but hate and sadness and showed her there was more to life than that.”
“I knew there was love hidden inside you, Sawyer. I just had to help you find it.”
We fell silent, I think because we were both lost in memories of me fighting her, and her continuing to love me even though I tried to convince her I didn’t want it.
“You know I’m here for you, right?”
I nodded, still staring ahead as Willow and Luann loaded the smallest of the gifts on a cart—the bottles, lotions, and gift bags full of assorted items.
“No matter what it is, Sawyer, all you have to do is call.” She placed her arm over my shoulders and hugged me closer. “Even if it’s just to listen while you blame God and everyone else for the hand you’ve been dealt, I’m here always.”
The knot I was oh so familiar with had formed in my throat once again. “Thank you,” I whispered, trying to hide how raw I felt.
I looked up as a large man stepped behind Willow and found Gage standing there. He said something to Luann before he hugged her close. Then he looked my way and offered me a smile too, followed by a wink.
Gage had always been a part of our lives, the person who brought silliness and lightheartedness to every gathering and who could find the good in anything bad. But lately he’d become a rock for all of us. He offered to be the one we could all turn to when we needed to break, not just me but Luann, Miles, and even Willow.
He wasn’t just our funny friend anymore. Now he felt like a soldier protecting people in the middle of a battle.
I also knew someday soon we would need to reverse roles and support him. The loss of the man he’d grown up with would hit him hard.
“That’s the last one.” I turned just as Gage set the last bag of gifts on the nursery floor.
He straightened up, placing his hands on each side of his waist as he looked around the room. “He wanted a nursery that looked like it came from one of those home-decorating magazines, and he got it.”
The walls were pink from the floor to about waist height, and white the rest of the way up to the ceiling. A pink-flowered border broke up the two colors. A large arch led to the window seat that was large enough to hold at least four people. Pink, white, and yellow pillows filled the space, making it the perfect little cubbyhole for reading, naps, or really whatever I wanted it to be. The bedding for the crib was an assortment of beautiful purples, pinks, and yellows that pulled it all together.
“It is perfect,” I agreed as I also scanned over the room. “Thank you for helping him make this a reality,” I finally added as I refocused on Gage. “There was so much he wanted to get done, and I know without you here to help, he wouldn’t have been able to make all that happen. That gave him peace, Gage—you gave him peace.”
He nodded and his throat bobbed with his attempt to stay strong. “You plan on putting all of this together tonight?”
“As much as I can.” I shrugged. “I wanna make sure he sees it finished.”
With Gage I didn’t have to express how important that need was. He already knew.
He knelt on the floor near the bags and placed each item into piles before him. When he looked up and saw me watching him, he arched a brow. “You gonna move, woman, or do I gotta do it all by myself?”
I laughed at his words, and it felt good. “Okay, Mr. Sassy.” I tossed the wadded-up packaging I’d removed the baby monitors from at his shoulder.
“Oh, I see how you are.” He shook his head and went back to removing the items. “Throwing things at the help,” he mumbled, giving me a sideways glance. I could still see the smile on his face as I spun around and moved toward the dresser.
For the next couple of hours, we placed every item where we thought it fit best. It warmed my heart when I sat in the center of the finished room with my legs crossed before me as I looked around. But what made me weaken with an overwhelming love was when Gage stepped into the room supporting Pat with an arm around his waist.
Watching his eyes fill with emotion as he scanned the nursery was amazing. Then acceptance filled them, as if this was another thing he needed to see before he let go.
Offering me a wink, Pat gave Gage a weak nod, and Gage led him back to the living room, where he slowly drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 19
“All over now.” Patrick’s deep husky voice no longer sounded like him. It sounded like a weakened older man’s, hoarse and barely above a whisper. “Still can’t believe you gave her the house and everything in it.”
“What the hell do I need it all for?” Gage said with humor. “It was all shit she picked out anyway, and you know I hated her taste.”
I should have felt bad for eavesdropping, but hearing them cutting up reminded me of better times. I would miss watching them hassle one another, and I was sure Gage would miss it too.
“She did have shit taste,” Patrick said, followed by a cough. “Look who she married.”
“Hey,” Gage gasped, placing his hand against his chest while gaping in mock offense, “what are you talking about, man? I’m a prize.”
They chuckled.
“You are a good man, Gage,” Patrick said after a few seconds, “the best. I know I’ve asked a lot of you lately, but—”
Another pause followed and I leaned even closer to the doorway.
“I think it’s getting close.” I swear in that moment my heart stood still. “I can feel it, Gage, and I don’t want to scare her, but I know it’s coming. Everything is getting harder. Breathing, sleeping, all of it is nothing but a struggle. I’ve seen the fear in her eyes, that all-consuming panic. She doesn’t sleep, she barely eats, and I know it’s because of the stress this is all putting on her. She won’t admit it’s all too much, but it is.”
“What do you need from me?”
“I need you to be here when I tell her I want to go back to the hospital, and I’ll need you to comfort her, because I know I won’t be able to.” His voice was filled with sadness and disappointment. “I thought I wanted to be here when I died, but I can’t do that to her. I don’t want her to walk into our home and instantly be filled with that memory. I want her to remember me in all the good times, because this is our home.”
Silence followed again, and as I rested my head against the doorframe, someone began sobbing.
“I just need a minute.” It was Gage this time, and I felt his pain. “If you need me to be strong then, right now,” he said hoarsely, “I just need a minute.”
I wanted to go to them, but I understood this was a time they needed to share. In some way, I felt as if this was their acceptance of what would happen and maybe their goodbye. That idea broke me a little more.
“She’s gonna need you to hold her up,” Patrick whispered. “She’ll fight you, we both already know that, but don’t let her push you away, Gage. Please just take care of them for me after I’m gone.” Them meaning our baby and me. I placed my hand against my stomach. “Protect them and make sure they have what they need.”
“I will.” Gage’s voice was barely recognizable. “No one will ever hurt them.” The conviction in it sent chills throughout my body.
“That helps,” Patrick said, and I slid along the doorframe, lowering my body to the floor, feeling defeated.
“It’s time,” he said in his own defeated whisper and I had never in my life felt so empty. “I’m ready to say goodbye. I can’t do it anymore.”
I think we’d all thought we’d be saying goodbye to Patrick in our home, surrounding him and holding him in any way we could. But it was his choice to return to the hospital. P
art of me was grateful that the home we’d planned to raise our family in wouldn’t be tainted by the memory of his death. Instead, I could remember all that was good, all that was happy.
Such fierce pain shot through me that it made me grip the chair arm and hold my breath. I couldn’t hold back the yelp that fell from my lips as I let out a deep breath. Everyone rushed across the waiting area and knelt before me with concern etched on their faces.
We’d been at the hospital for close to twelve hours now, all on edge from Patrick’s worsening condition. After Gage had regained his composure, he found me slumped on the kitchen floor sobbing and knew I’d heard everything they’d said.
After he helped me from the floor, he held me close as I tried to regain the strength I needed, only to fail. I rushed to the living room and spent the following ten minutes crying as I leaned over the side of Patrick’s bed. Feeling his fingers comb through my hair as he did his best to soothe me even though he was weak and worn, only broke me further.
Now all the family gathered in the waiting area as the nurses settled Pat into a room. I’d thought I’d be okay now that the finality of it all had settled in my mind and I knew I couldn’t do anything to prevent the inevitable. But with each passing minute, my mind raced with thoughts of everything I wished we would’ve done. All the things I should have said, those things I should have focused on. But no matter what, it never would have been enough time, because forever with Patrick still wouldn’t have been good enough.
“Sawyer.” Gage’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. Taking in a slow, steady breath, I lifted my head to find him staring back at me. “Are you okay?” He was kneeling before me, his eyes widened with worry.