The Secret Life of Daydreams

by Whitney, Lucinda

  Josh and Sofia followed her to a room on the left side and the nurse pushed the door open for them. It wasn’t locked but there was an alarm on the jamb that she must have deactivated before leaving the desk. The nurse looked pointedly at Josh but didn’t say anything.

  Sofia paused at the door. The bedroom was small with a single window and a metal bed. An unadorned cross hung on the wall directly in front, just as it had in the other hospital where Sofia had been. Mother lay on the bed staring ahead unseeing, her arms over the white sheets. She looked so different from the Mother Sofia had known. So absent.

  “Do you want me to leave?” Josh whispered in her ear.

  Sofia startled and placed her fingers over her trembling mouth. “Can you please stay right here?” She couldn’t do this alone.

  There was a wooden chair by the door. Josh nodded then gave her a side hug and kissed her forehead before sitting down. His touch was a balm to her.

  Drawing on the bravery she didn’t have, Sofia took a deep breath and put a smile on her face. “Mãe? Sou eu, a Sofia.”

  Josh stood and pulled up another chair behind her and Sofia sat close to the bed. She reached for Mother’s hand. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come earlier.”

  There was no response, no sign of recognition. The sallow undertone weighed on Mother’s skin as if she’d been there longer than the six days. How had Mother gotten to this state in less than a week? And what kind of medication was she on?

  Sofia caressed Mother’s hand and talked to her about the weather outside and the garden by the café and her work as a waitress. She filled the air with happy words and cheery smiles, but Mother didn’t reply, didn’t even look at her. With every word she said, Sofia’s heart sank deeper and deeper, the thread of hope, thinner and thinner. The tears welled inside her and she fought them stubbornly. She wouldn’t cry in front of Mother.

  The nurse knocked on the open door. “The doctor will see you now.”

  Sofia nodded and stood. Leaning heavily on the bed, she kissed Mother’s cheek. “I’ll be back for you, mãe.”

  Josh was at her side for the short walk to the office. The doctor indicated the chairs but didn’t stand. “You’re Manuela Monteiro’s daughter?”

  “I am.”

  He turned to Josh but Josh spoke before the doctor. “I’m with her.” He leaned towards Sofia and took her hand, giving her the comfort she so badly needed.

  The doctor opened a folder and read from it. “Your mother came to us following a domestic accident. Upon arrival, she was evaluated and diagnosed with severe dementia, which is a symptom of advanced Alzheimer’s. She poses a risk to herself and others and was admitted to this facility for long-term care.”

  “But why here?”

  “Excuse me?” The doctor lifted his eyes from the folder.

  “Why does she have to be here in the mental ward?” There had to be another place.

  “This is the safest place for violent patients like her.” The doctor looked back down at the papers.

  “But she’s not violent.”

  “She was when she arrived.” He shuffled through the papers. “Didn’t she attack you?”

  Sofia sighed. “I—I can’t remember.” Josh gave her hand a squeeze and she took strength from the contact. “I suffered a concussion.”

  The doctor nodded. “Right. As I said, violent patients respond well to the therapy we administer here.”

  “You mean she’s heavily medicated.” Sofia sat up and squared her shoulders.

  “Her violent behavior is under control.”

  “She’s catatonic,” she countered.

  “Which is a normal progression of the disease.”

  “Can you have her transferred to another floor?”

  He shook his head. “We’re beyond capacity.”

  “To another place?”

  “Not a government-run facility. They’re all full and the waiting list takes months, if not years.”

  “What if I choose to take her to a private facility?”

  “That is your choice, obviously. But please be advised that the transfer fees are also your responsibility.”

  Sofia nodded. “How soon can I have her transferred?”

  “With a signed authorization of admission from the facility’s director, it takes one to two days.”

  Sofia rose. “Please have the paperwork started. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  “Very well.”

  Josh stood beside her. His hand had never left hers.

  Somehow she made it down to the foyer. Josh had her wait on a bench while he got the car and then came for her. The numbness inside her spread to her limbs and Sofia shivered, cold as she was. He drove to a corner of the parking lot and parked.

  “Come here.” Josh undid their seat belts, scooted to edge of his seat, and wrapped his arms around her. The car was too small for his large frame, and the space cramped and awkward with the parking brake and gears between their seats. But the hug was wonderful and wanted, and Josh held her to him until his warmth promised to thaw the hopelessness in her heart.

  When they arrived at her apartment, Josh walked Sofia to her bedroom, sat her at the edge of the bed, and removed her shoes. He returned a few moments later with a glass of water and her medicine and coaxed her to take them. Then he leaned back against the headboard and brought her next to him, to the circle of his arms. She was safe with Josh and at last the tears broke free. In the shelter of his embrace, Sofia cried until spent.

  “I failed her.” She hiccupped. “I failed her and I failed Father.”

  He caressed her hair. “You’ve been doing the best you can, Sofia.”

  No, she could’ve tried harder. “Father asked me before he died.” Josh reached for the tissues on the bedside table and gave her one. Sofia mopped her eyes. “He asked me to watch her, to keep her in my care until she passed. In the comfort of her bedroom, with her favorite things.”

  “You did keep her with you.”

  Not as long as Mother needed. At the memory of the cold, stark room where Mother was, Sofia cried again. “I need to find a better place for her, with better care.” She would break the other promise to Father, but she could start over. No matter the cost involved, Mother deserved a sunny place where they’d care for her now that Sofia couldn’t. As soon as possible.

  Sofia tried to rise but Josh held her. “I’ll help you find a place and I’ll drive you anywhere you want, but you need to rest first.”

  “No, I can’t.” How could she rest with Mother in that awful place?

  “Just a short nap before lunch. Then we’ll go right after. I promise.” His voice was gentle and his words tender.

  Josh reached for her pillow and helped her lie down. Sofia didn’t have the strength to fight him, tired and dizzy and with a broken heart.

  The feeling of his fingers in her hair calmed her and she closed her eyes. After a few minutes, Josh dropped a kiss on her forehead and moved to rise, but Sofia grabbed his forearm. “Please stay until I fall asleep,” she said in a small voice.

  He nodded and scooted down on the bed, over the cover. Then he raised his arm and Sofia laid down in the crook of his arm.

  *

  When Sofia woke up from her nap, her head was lighter, even if the ache in her heart wasn’t. She padded to the living room where Josh sat with his smartphone, and she took the place beside him. He kissed her temple and she stifled a sigh. What was she going to do when Josh left? She’d come to rely on him and his presence, like she had feared she would.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “A little better.”

  “I’ve been doing some research while you slept.” He reached for a pad of paper with some notes.

  Sofia took it and read, trying to understand the names and addresses with directions. “What is this?”

  “It’s a list of private long-term facilities for patients like your mother.”

  Sofia sat up and looked at Josh. “How did you find them?”

&n
bsp; “I started searching online and calling around until I had a few leads and from those I made a list of three potential ones, but you can look at some of the others as well.” He turned the page to another list.

  “Tell me about your short list,” Sofia said. “What made them stand out from the rest?”

  “I crossed out the ones farther away than twenty to thirty minutes by car, and the ones that appeared institutionalized.” He stopped to look at her. “I know I didn’t talk to any of the patients or their families, but these are the three that come highly recommended and where the level of care and patient philosophy best meet your criteria.”

  A tinge of hope rose in Sofia’s chest. “Go on.”

  Josh set his phone in her hands and scrolled through some pictures. “I think you’ll like this one. The bedroom suites are large and sunny with private patios; they encourage personal furniture and belongings, there’s a full medical staff, they tailor the menu to each patient’s needs and likes, there’s a small chapel and a priest on site, and there are activities every day and opportunities for social interaction.” His eyes shone with enthusiasm. “And—get this—therapy dogs and cats.”

  “Amazing,” she said, unable to keep the admiration from her voice.

  He went on, listing the characteristics of the other two facilities, but Sofia lingered on the pictures of the first one. Sunny and personal.

  “Where is this one?”

  “In Guimarães.” Josh turned to his phone again. “The second one is in Famalicão and the third just outside Braga, to the north. I made appointments for the first two today and the other for tomorrow morning.”

  Sofia paused and raised her eyes from the phone. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, the rise of emotion in her chest for what Josh had done for her. He’d spent two hours making her life easier and she couldn’t get the words past her lips.

  “This is a lot of work,” she said.

  Josh shrugged. “I know how anxious you are to get your mother out of that place. I figured I could save you some time and do some leg work while you rested.

  She nodded. “You’re a great listener.” He knew exactly what she was looking for, what she wanted for Mother. And now she could jump right in and take it from there.

  Sofia rose. “Let me go change.” She swayed, overcome with dizziness, and sat back down, closing her eyes.

  “Hey, not so fast.” Josh touched her arm. “I know you want to have your mother transferred as soon as possible, but you need to take it easy.”

  She was tired of taking it easy. But risking a fall wasn’t worth her impatience. Deep breath. “Can we stop at the bank first?” It was time to transfer her savings.

  In the end, Josh’s first choice was Sofia’s favorite. Despite the hefty price, the building was what she would have picked herself and the friendliness of the staff appealed to her. After all the medical and financial paperwork was done and signed, Sofia hired a private ambulance to have Mother transferred the next morning.

  With Josh’s help, she moved Mother’s favorite chair and belongings, making it as personal and familiar as possible. The few books she favored, her rosary, Father’s favorite slippers that she still wore, a photo of Sofia on the day she took communion for the first time. These and other little things that would make her new world less foreign.

  When she hung her parents’ wedding day picture on the wall in front of the bed, Sofia’s heart beat lighter. The decision was bittersweet but she was willing to sign away her savings for Mother’s benefit. She could start over with graduate school or even try something completely different.

  Midmorning the next day, Josh drove Sofia to the new care center in Guimarães. Mother’s new doctor had asked Sofia to come after Mother was settled in, to minimize the distractions. Sofia found her sitting by the patio door that opened to the shared courtyard garden. The sun rays fell on the rug. The difference in ambiance and setting stood out to Sofia, more so in Mother’s countenance. Her expression was relaxed and more aware of her surroundings, and to Sofia that was worth any cost, any sacrifice.

  Josh stood in Paulo’s kitchen, by the sliding doors to the balcony. To the west, the sun began its descent, painting streaks of color in the sky and across the building tops. Behind him, Margarida fed the baby and Paulo put the finishing touches on a salad. When the timer beeped, Josh turned inside and Paulo grabbed the pot holders and slid two square glass pans from the oven, one at a time.

  “So you think Sofia’s feeling better, then?” Margarida glanced at Josh, keeping her eyes on her daughter as the baby smeared the high chair tray between them. Little Amélia was going to need a bath when done with her dinner.

  Josh pulled up a chair from the table and sat down. “She is feeling better but I think she could have stayed home a couple more days. She was so anxious to go back to work.”

  Margarida winced. “This has been hard for her, Josh. She’s used to being independent and caring for her mother.” She fed the baby another spoonful. “Now her mother is away and being well cared for and Sofia is ready to do something more than staying at home. Besides, she didn’t get paid while she was recovering and her mother’s care is expensive. I don’t know how she’s going to afford it.”

  Josh raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t her mother have some sort of pension or something?”

  Paulo opened a drawer and took out a roll of aluminum paper. “Whatever she has is not enough to cover the costs at that facility.”

  “Are you sure? On the day she signed the paperwork, Sofia had me take her to the bank and said she needed to have some transfers done. She had the deposit and the first three months paid and then set up the electronic fund transfer for the monthly payments.”

  Margarida stopped and looked at him. “Oh no.”

  Josh held his hands up. “I wasn’t trying to pry but I was there with Sofia the whole time and couldn’t help overhear it.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” She shook her head. “Sofia had a whole year of savings set aside for her doctorate degree. She’s supposed to start classes at the end of September and she needed the first six months of tuition up front.”

  “And you think she used that money to pay for her mother’s care at the new center,” Josh said.

  She nodded. “I know she doesn’t have any other money. That had to be it.”

  “Wow.” Josh blinked. Sofia hadn’t said a word to him, hadn’t complained once. She’d just signed everything over without any hesitation, happy that her mother was in a better facility.

  “She’s incredible, isn’t she?” Margarida stood and set the bowl and spoon in the sink. “She worked for over three years to get accepted into the literature program, she put money aside for even longer than that, and now she gave it all away for her mother.”

  Josh had no words. Her selflessness tugged at something inside him, and the love he had for her filled his chest. How lucky he was to know her, to be her friend, and how sorry he was that he could never claim anything more than friendship.

  He swallowed hard. “What happens if she doesn’t pay the tuition?”

  Paulo came to the high chair and released the baby and Margarida sat at the opposite end of the table. “She’ll lose her spot.”

  Not if he could help it.

  Paulo wrapped the lasagna in foil and added half the salad to a plastic container, then placed them in a bag. “Here’s dinner. I’m guessing you’re sharing with Sofia?” He winked.

  Josh stood and took the bag. “I convinced her to let me give her a ride to and from work for the rest of the week before she starts driving by herself.”

  Margarida smiled. “Good for you.” She and Paulo followed Josh to the foyer. “Please don’t comment on the money situation. You know how independent she is.”

  “Oh, I know. She’s stubborn too.”

  On the way to pick Sofia up from work, Josh couldn’t stop thinking about what Margarida had said. Tomorrow he’d visit the financial office at the university. There had to be some
thing he could do.

  Sofia stood at the corner of the above-ground parking lot when Josh pulled up to find a spot to park. Indeed she was stubborn.

  Josh reached across the passenger seat and opened the door to her. “Sofia, I’d prefer if you waited for me at the café so I can walk with you to the car. You didn’t have to walk this far by yourself.”

  “Relax already. I was careful.” She took a deep breath and looked the other way. “Besides, ones of these days you’ll leave and I’ll go back to my regular life and won’t have any walking companions.” She glanced at him, the unasked question in her eyes.

  He was leaving soon. No, he didn’t know when yet. Maybe if he could extend the visa one more time, he’d be able to stay a little longer.

  But Josh didn’t have the courage to reply to her. Like the coward he was, he said nothing and kept on driving.

  Sofia sighed and looked out the window. In good conscience, Josh couldn’t resent her disappointment, could he?

  When they arrived at her apartment, they worked together to plate dinner. Sofia set the table and Josh placed the containers at the center and pulled back the foil and lids.

  “So is Margarida feeling better then?” she asked as she sat down.

  Josh smiled. “She asked me the same exact thing about you.”

  Her lips curled in a small smile. “That’s funny.”

  After Sofia offered the blessing on the food, Josh replied to her. “I think she’s doing a little better but aren’t evenings usually easier to tolerate?”

  “Are they?”

  Josh took the fork into his lasagna slice. “I seem to remember my sisters talking about it.”

  “That’s right; you have older sisters.”

  “Five of them.”

  She stopped and set her fork back down. “You have five older sisters?”

  Josh chuckled. He’d seen a lot of that same reaction when he was a missionary. Most families in Portugal didn’t have more than a couple of children, three at the most. “Laureanne, Kimberly, Heather, Tiffany, and Ashley.”

  “Are all of them married?”

  “All married and with children.” And he was the only one divorced. Jaded as he was about relationships, at least his sisters had married well and were happy.