The Secret Life of Daydreams

by Whitney, Lucinda

  “I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister or a brother,” Sofia said in a wistful tone.

  “It means you’re never alone.” He took another bite, then continued. “I can’t imagine not having any sisters. It was crazy and fun. But mostly crazy.” Maybe it was time to see his family again. It had been too long. He’d have to read Laureanne’s email again for the details to Grandpa Conrad’s birthday party.

  Sofia rested her chin on her hand. “And I can’t imagine such a house full of kids.”

  Josh set down his fork and leaned back in his chair. “Don’t you like large families?”

  “I have no idea if I do or not. There’s no frame of reference. But the social and cultural situations in Portugal are different, even for members of the church. Not to mention the economic burden of having a large family.”

  It would never be a burden, he wanted to say. Whatever size family she wanted, she could have. With him.

  Josh nodded and took a large bite of his food to keep his mouth full and from saying something he shouldn’t.

  When Sofia was done, Josh carried the plates to the sink and started washing. She pulled a clean dishtowel from a drawer and dried and put away the clean dishes.

  “Do you have plans to go visit your mother this week?”

  “Tomorrow or the day after.” She stacked the plates in the cupboard. “I need to fill the gas tank first.”

  Why couldn’t she just ask for his help?

  “You know, I actually have a job in Guimarães.” As of now he did. “Would you ride along with me?”

  Sofia reached for a glass and rubbed it with the cloth. “Won’t that set you back?”

  “I’m not on a schedule for this one. I can drop you off and then you call me when you’re ready.” He could find something to photograph there and he’d wait, no matter how long she needed.

  “If you’re sure.”

  Josh finished the washing and wiped his hands. “Absolutely sure.”

  “Okay, I’ll ride with you. Thank you.”

  She turned back to the cupboard and busied herself straightening the glasses, lifting them and putting them back in the exact same places as before.

  A stalling technique. Maybe she wanted him to stay a little longer as much as he did. All they needed was an excuse.

  Josh cleared his throat. “Did you see my latest images for the travel series?”

  “No, I didn’t.” Even facing away from him, the smile in her voice was evident. She closed the cupboard.

  “I have them on my laptop.”

  “Okay, show me.” She walked ahead of him to the living room and sat down on the couch.

  Josh grabbed his laptop and sat next to her. He wouldn’t stay too long; he wanted her to rest after all. But he missed those days after she came home from the hospital when he’d stayed over. He missed the closeness between them.

  When the computer turned on, a series of notifications pinged.

  “Looks like you have some messages,” Sofia said.

  Over twenty notifications on instant message. “That’s odd. I don’t remember seeing anything on my phone.” He reached in his pocket and drew it out. Dead. “I forgot to charge it.”

  “Are you going to see what it is?” Sofia asked. “It could be important.” She got up and walked down the hallway.

  He logged on to his account and immediately Heather came on. Of all his sisters, she was the most laid back. A tinge of worry passed through him. Heather always sent him emails, not instant messages.

  Josh, where have you been? We’ve been trying to reach you.

  Forgot to charge my phone.

  And you don’t have access to email either?

  I’ve been busy. Are you going to tell me why you need to reach me?

  You don’t need to get all prickly about it. We were all worried.

  Why, Heather? What’s going on?

  Grandpa Conrad had a heart attack.

  No. Josh straightened his back and leaned forward over the laptop. How bad is it?

  I haven’t gone to see him yet. He’s at the university hospital.

  Sterling Conrad had always been so active, so much larger than life in everything he did. It was hard to think of him in a hospital bed.

  Josh, you still there?

  Yes.

  He’s asked to see you. How soon can you be home?

  Utah wasn’t home to him anymore, but Heather wouldn’t understand that. None of them would.

  I’ll get on it right away, but give me a couple days to make it back.

  Okay, keep us posted.

  I will.

  After logging off, Josh checked the other messages and the emails from his family, all saying the same thing. Then he navigated to an airline website and bought a ticket from Porto to Salt Lake City.

  The time to leave had come sooner than he’d planned.

  *

  Sofia made her way back to the living room after a few minutes. She’d wanted to give Josh some privacy to find out the reason for all the messages and, from the deep crease on his forehead, it wasn’t good news. She hovered at the door.

  Josh lowered the screen on his laptop and raised his eyes to her. The wrinkle faded a little when he smiled, but his expression was heavy with worry.

  He blew out a breath, then patted the place next to him. “You didn’t have to leave, but thank you.”

  She sat next to him, not knowing what to expect, but he raised his arm over her shoulders and pulled her in. Her favorite place to be—next to his heart.

  If she were stronger, she’d stay away from him. But there wouldn’t be too many more chances to be in Josh’s arms, and maybe she just wanted to give in to her weakness for him a little longer.

  “How bad is it?” She found the courage to ask.

  Josh pulled away from her and leaned forward on his knees, rubbing his eyes. “My grandpa Conrad had a heart attack.”

  Oh no. “I’m so sorry, Josh.”

  “He’s at the hospital,” he hurried to say, “and he’s asked to see me.”

  “Yes, of course.” She’d always known Josh would be leaving, but that didn’t make it any easier on her aching heart. “When are you leaving?”

  “I just bought a ticket for tomorrow after lunch.” Josh turned to her. “You’re working the afternoon shift tomorrow, right?”

  “You don’t have to take me to Guimarães.” She fingered the pendant around her neck, but when Josh noticed it, she dropped her hand.

  The sinking feeling in her chest grew. Tomorrow. Josh was leaving tomorrow.

  The crease between his eyes was back. He touched her hand. “I’m sorry I can’t drive you to see your mother but I have to run errands in the morning, and make sure everything’s squared away before I leave.”

  “I understand; don’t worry about it.” Maybe it was better she couldn’t get the day off and prolong the torture of saying goodbye to Josh. He’d be too busy anyway. “And you probably have a lot of packing to do.” Sofia stood and put some distance between them.

  She walked to the kitchen, filled the kettle with fresh water, and put it on the stove.

  Josh followed her and stopped at the door. “Packing’s not so important.” He cleared his throat. “Will you be home in the morning? I’d like to come see you before I leave.”

  Sofia opened the cupboard doors and looked around for her favorite teacup and saucer, the one Tia Joana had given her. “Yes, I should be.” She set them on the counter and opened the silverware drawer, looking for the curved spoon with the long handle. As hard it would be to say goodbye, she’d regret it if she didn’t.

  “Will you please stop and look at me, Sofia?” Josh’s hands fell gently on her shoulders and she stilled. “I thought we’d have more time for this.”

  Sofia took a step away from Josh and folded her arms. “More time for what, Josh? We both know it would never have worked between us.” She looked away, unwilling to meet his eyes and find something there that would break her r
esolve. “The gospel isn’t important to you anymore, and it’s everything for me.”

  Josh turned from her and rubbed the back of his neck. “I—I don’t want to argue with you the night before I leave. Please.”

  She didn’t either. But what hurt less? Pushing Josh away or parting with him as a friend? Either option would leave a hole in her heart.

  Josh grabbed his things and walked to the foyer. Sofia came behind him, the words wedged in her throat. Please stay. She unlocked the door and held on to the knob.

  “Will you be home?” Josh took a step in her direction.

  She stepped back, clinging to the door. “I’ll be here.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

  After Josh left, Sofia returned to the kitchen and made herself a cup of lemon balm tea. She stirred and sipped, struck with the silence in the apartment. Funny how her life had changed in the past two months. Mother no longer lived with her; she’d lost her job, found another, and almost lost it too; she’d finally been accepted to the literature program but no longer could do it. She’d met Josh. And now she was losing him too even though he had never belonged to her.

  With her cup of tea, Sofia walked to her bedroom and sat on her bed. Her phone rested on the bedside table and she typed a text to Margarida.

  Josh is leaving tomorrow.

  The phone rang. It was Margarida.

  “Sofia. How are you feeling?”

  “I don’t know. I know it’s better this way but it doesn’t make it any easier. ”

  “He was just here to tell us.”

  “He told you the reason then?”

  “Yes. He’s pretty worried about his grandfather. I hope he gets there in time.”

  “That would be terrible if he didn’t.” And Sofia had tried to pick a fight with him. How shameful of her.

  “He asked Paulo to go with him somewhere,” Margarida said.

  “At this time of night?”

  “I think he wanted to talk to Paulo without me around.”

  “Don’t ask Paulo about it, okay?” Margarida could take curiosity to the interference level.

  “Fine. I won’t. You didn’t say goodbye yet, did you?”

  “He asked to come by tomorrow.”

  “I know this is hard for you, Sofia, but it’s not any easier for him. You know that, right?”

  Sofia rubbed her forehead. “I should never have let myself become so close to him.”

  “You don’t really mean that. Are you sure you two can’t work it out? Ask him to come back, Sofia.”

  “No, I can’t. There’s no hope, Margarida. Not when he doesn’t even want to talk about coming to church. I’m not making the same mistake I made with Rodrigo.”

  “It’s different. Josh is a member of the church and he’s been through the temple.”

  “And he doesn’t want anything to do it. If I can’t convince him now, I don’t see how it would change after we got married.” In time, they’d grow to resent each other for what the other couldn’t give.

  “Did you pray about it?” Margarida asked.

  Sofia sighed. “Several times.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry for prying so much. I’m sure you know what’s best for you.”

  But Sofia didn’t know what was best, did she?

  Josh had slept four hours. He’d stayed up late with Paulo, making sure all of his plans could be carried out after he left. The missed sleep didn’t bother him as he’d able to recover some of it on the flight back to Utah. But the list of things he still had to do before he left worried him. One at a time.

  He’d been up early to burn the CDs and send the image orders online to the photo labs. Then he packed, and at eight o’clock he was there when the banks opened. At nine in the morning he visited the other businesses and offices, at ten-thirty made arrangements to drop off the rental car at the airport, returned to the hotel to get his luggage and checked out at eleven, swung by Paulo’s work to say goodbye at eleven thirty, and finally made it to Sofia’s building just after twelve. He could stay for almost one hour before he had to be on the road to the airport.

  If Sofia let him stay that long. She’d withdrawn from him the night before when he had told her he was leaving. The need to spend more time with her had grown in his chest to the point he’d almost asked her if he could stay a little longer last night. But what excuse did he have for it, what right to ask such a thing of her?

  None. Not when he loved her in secret and couldn’t give her what she wanted. The courage to confess failed him anyway.

  She buzzed the building’s door open and let him in without a word. Her apartment door was closed when he approached from the elevator. He took a deep breath and wiped his palms on his jeans before knocking.

  A wide smile. She smiled at him when she opened the door. Josh smiled back and entered.

  Sofia wore the black skirt and shirt, the uniform for the café. Bare feet and loose hair.

  “Looks like I caught you getting ready for work,” he said. “Are you leaving soon?”

  “No, no. I don’t have to be at work for a little while yet.” She smiled again and they stood in the foyer.

  Josh reached for his backpack. “I’ve got something to show you.”

  Sofia led him to the living room. “Sure. Come on in.” She stopped at the doorway to the kitchen. “Did you eat yet? Can I get you anything?”

  Her cheerful attitude threw him off for a moment. She was trying too hard, but for whose benefit?

  “A glass of water would be great.” Josh sat at the couch and opened his backpack.

  When Sofia returned, he asked her to take a seat next to him. She crossed her legs, still smiling. Okay, let her smile. He wouldn’t say anything about it. The last thing he wanted was to start an argument with her.

  Josh withdrew the CD case and hand it to her. “I got you printed copies as well, but I didn’t get them back in time.”

  Sofia smiled and turned the CD case in her hand. “What’s in it?”

  “Some of the images I took during this trip.” He placed a small flash drive on the coffee table. “I didn’t know which format you prefer.” It had all the images of them together, but he wanted to surprise her.

  “That’s so thoughtful, thank you.”

  “I also ordered a large print and a photo album and you should receive them in a few days. They’re coming by courier so they’ll check with you before the delivery.”

  Sofia sat for a moment, holding on to the CD. “I have something for you too.” She rose and walked to the kitchen. When she returned, she had her hands cupped together. “I didn’t have time to think of more. I’m sorry.”

  Josh tugged her arm gently until she sat next to him. She drew his hand forward and placed a small object on it.

  A key chain. And attached to it, the Young Women’s logo pendant. Josh held it.

  “This is the one I gave you, isn’t it?” He stared at the piece and swallowed. How much this little pendant meant to her. He remembered the words she’d said that evening in Paulo’s kitchen. Hard to forget those words. And now she’d put the pendant on a key chain for him. The meaning behind the gesture and the object overwhelmed him.

  “Look at the back,” she said in a soft voice.

  Josh turned it. Nu6:24. “The book of Numbers?” He drew his phone from his pocket and tapped the screen a few times until he reached the verse: The Lord bless thee, and keep thee. It was a blessing. For him.

  He turned to Sofia. “I know how much this pendant means to you. Thank you.”

  Sofia’s smile trembled and she nodded, not meeting his eyes. “You’ve been a great friend, Josh.”

  That little ache in his chest, the one that had been growing there since he’d learned of his sudden departure, sent him a kick to the heart. Sofia’s words, their meaning—she was saying goodbye, not till we meet again. He’d hoped they could stay friends but maybe she didn’t want to keep the friendship after he left.

  “Can I check on you once in a w
hile?” He shortened the distance between them until their knees touched.

  Sofia again nodded, and when her hair fell over her face, Josh brushed it away from her cheek. So soft. She closed her eyes at his touch and Josh leaned toward her.

  “We shouldn’t kiss,” she said quietly.

  That silly rule of hers. If this was going to be the last time he saw her for who knew how long, how could she expect him not to kiss her?

  Josh matched her tone. “You’re right, we shouldn’t.” He sat closer to her and drew her into his arms, slowly, carefully, ready to pull back if she resisted. But she didn’t, and Josh tightened his embrace. “How mad will you be if I kiss you anyway?”

  Sofia settled against him and rested an arm around his back, lifting her gaze to him. “Not very mad.” She closed her eyes and met him halfway.

  Josh had planned a tender farewell kiss, something for Sofia to remember him by, but at the feel of her lips on him, his hands cupped her face and he pressed his mouth against her. Sofia gasped, parting her lips, and he deepened the kiss. There was nothing but her skin, his thumbs on her cheeks, that heady scent of hers as he breathed her in, her curls tangled in his fingers. And the smooth, silky taste of her he didn’t want to ever forget. It was him who needed something to remember her by, and he couldn’t get enough of her. He wanted to kiss her until his lips knew the sound of her name.

  When Sofia’s hands dropped to his waist, Josh pulled away and rested his forehead against hers, catching his breath.

  Ask me to return. Please. Ask me to come back to you.

  But she didn’t ask him. She didn’t say a word.

  *

  Sofia would not cry. She would not cry in front of Josh.

  And she would certainly not ask him to come back, as much as she wanted to. In the long run, it would be better for both that they didn’t prolong a doomed relationship.

  Her hands lingered on his biceps, then his forearms, committing to memory the feel of him when they dragged away from each other. As if she could forget him, even if she tried. Not after the way they’d kissed.

  Josh stood and shouldered his backpack. Sofia followed him to the foyer and unlocked the door, pulling it open a little. He took her hand in his and cupped the side of her face with the other hand, then kissed her forehead in a last goodbye.