by Renee Fowler
Gabe leans back. He pauses to brush the damp hair away from my face. “Actually, I’ve been thinking… If you’re not busy tomorrow afternoon, you could swing by my sister’s place and meet Rose.”
I blink a few times against my suddenly cloudy vision. “Are you sure?”
He nods. “I thought it would be good to do it somewhere familiar, with other people around so it’s not overwhelming. Sort of informal I guess, so she can acclimate… Trin, why are you crying?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you not want to meet her?”
“No! I mean, yes. I want to. I really do.” Laughing, I rub my eyes. “I guess it means you trust me, and… Ugh. Sorry I’m being such a pussy.”
Gabe kisses my forehead and gives me a big hug. “You’re not being a pussy, and I do trust you, Trin.”
I’m overjoyed, happy beyond words, but a sudden invasive thought tugs at the corner of my mind. “Maybe we should talk about this though. I mean… Do you want to have more kids?”
There is suddenly much more white around the blue of Gabe’s eyes than normal. “Uh… maybe?”
“I know you wouldn’t have me meet Rose if… I’m sure I’ll love her, and if things go well one day maybe I’ll be her stepmom, but I don’t know if I ever want to be a real mom. It’s like that alien movie, and the little critter is jumping around in your belly. It’s so gross. I don’t want to push a baby out of my vagina, and the thought of milk coming out of my boobs.” I pause to make a small retching sound. “I prefer them more for recreation, ya know? I just want to be honest with you in case this is a deal breaker. I love you, and I want to be with you forever, but it doesn’t feel right to let you assume that I want something I might not want. Does that make sense?”
Gabe’s eyes go back to normal size, and he relaxes. “That makes perfect sense. I’ve already got Rose, and if I didn’t have any more I’d be okay with that.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“I might change my mind in five years, or ten. Fifteen? That’s way too old. I wouldn’t want to do the whole frozen egg thing. Maybe we could get a dog, but a small one that doesn’t tear shit up. Not yet though. I’m not ready for a dog right now.”
He laughs. “A small dog at some point in the future sounds just fine.”
“But I am ready to meet Rose. She’s a part of your life. She’s a part of you, and I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“You don’t think it’s weird that I don’t want to have a baby?”
Gabe shakes his head. “It’s not weird.”
“Maybe I should get a boob job.”
His lips curls up slightly. “No you shouldn’t. You should stay just like this.”
Chapter 29
Trin
Per usual on Friday evenings, we go out. Tonight I go disguised as Heidi, with my wig of long, auburn hair, and faux tortoise-shell frame glasses. Heidi wears far less makeup than Cleo, softer muted colors, only a swipe of pale pink across my lips nearly the same shade as my fuzzy sweater.
Gabe goes as himself, like always. A black tshirt. Dark jeans. He never accesorizes. I don’t think he’s ever put a thing in his hair besides shampoo, but he doesn’t need to. He is devastatingly handsome just as he is, not to mention exceedingly patient with all the nonsense of my life.
I’m feeling a huge weight off after that conversation earlier. He didn’t make me feel like a freak about it either. Some woman don’t want to be mothers, and maybe I’ll be one of them. No big deal. He loves me despite it. He loves me enough that he wants me to meet Rose, which says more than any words, gift, or gesture might.
Gabe grasps my hands from across the table between us. “So what did you think about that movie, Heidi?”
“It was kind of gross. I don’t know why they have to show all the intestines spilling out.”
He pretends to pout. “Aw, you scawed?”
“Shut up.” I give him a gentle kick under the table.
Gabe’s face turns serious. “I should’ve thought about that, Trin. You probably don’t want to watch that kind of thing now.”
I roll my eyes. “I’ve always liked scary movies. You know that. It just seemed like the gore was over the top. After a point, it doesn’t really add anything to the story.”
Gabe relaxes again.
The truth is, the content of that creepy letter scared me far less than the fact that it was left in my house. It was so cheesy, like the person who wrote it came up with that crap after watching some low budget horror production. I want to eat your eyeballs, and make gloves out of your skin? All these months later, I’m hardly phased by it, which is all the more reason I wish Gabe would give his little investigation a rest.
“This must be so lame for you,” I say. “Everyone else gets to go on dates to bars and such, and you’re stuck with me eating ice cream.”
“Meh. I’ve never been much for drinking.”
“Your friend is right. You really are a little angel.”
Gabe gives me a radiant, angelic smile. “Me and that friend have spent a lot of nights breaking up fights in all the bars around town, and pulling over the idiots driving home from those bars. Those probably aren’t places I’d want to frequent off duty.”
“You might have a point.”
“Besides, it’s not every day a guy gets to share a shake with Heidi… Hold on. What’s your last name supposed to be again?”
“How many times have we been out now, and you don’t even remember my last name? That’s offensive.”
“Sorry. Juggling three different women is harder than I thought.”
I scoff. “You’re cheating on me with two other women? Maybe you aren’t the little angel I took you for, Gabe Barton.”
“I may not be a little angel, but I’m not a cheater either.” He lifts my hand to brush his lips against my knuckles.
“You’re my angel,” I say in a saccharin voice.
Gabe’s dimples deepen as he smiles. “You are so different than you used to be.”
“I am?”
“Mmhmm.”
“I’m not that different. I still like scary movies, and ice cream, and giving you a hard time.”
“You’re sweet though. You’re more affectionate.”
“You mean I’m not an immature bitch anymore?” I give his hand a small squeeze. “I guess I grew up a little bit in all that time. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s been almost seven years.”
Gabe’s phone rings. His smile fades out to a look of confusion as he peers down at the screen before answering. As he speaks briefly in clipped tones, his face grows harder. Suddenly there’s a panicked glow lighting his blue eyes.
“Trin, we need to go.”
I haven’t been to the hospital since the day I visited my mother, and I’ve never been to the emergency room. Well, I suppose I went there the night I overdosed, but I don’t remember any of that.
Gabe’s grip on my hand is tight, and he strides fast enough I nearly have to jog to keep up with him. They told him over the phone Rose was uninjured, but he needs to see it for himself.
Rose’s pale face is pink and splotchy, and her eyes are red, but she’s not crying when we burst into the small triage room. A nurse in a colorful scrub top is keeping her entertained with a blown up latex glove tied at the wrist, which they are batting back and forth like a volleyball over the edge of the exam table.
Gabe snatches her up, and her arms wind around his neck. He feels around her limbs, almost like he’s checking for a broken bone. I’m not sure if he even realizes he’s doing it. At the same time he lays a series of loud, smacking kisses around her face until she’s giggling.
“Where’s Mommy?” she asks in a small voice.
Gabe meets my eyes briefly, then affects a smile for his daughter. “How about I go find out, and you can sit with my friend?”
He thrusts Rose into my arms, and I freeze for half a second. I wanted to meet her, but n
ot like this. She’s just been through something traumatic, and I feel completely incompetent and unprepared to help her. “H-Hi, Rose.”
“This is Trin,” Gabe says, stroking her hair back over her shoulder. “She’ll take care of you until I get back.”
The nurse looks up to me. It’s an unusual name, and this hospital is located right next to Trenton, where most everyone knows who I am. I can see the recognition dawn across her features despite my disguise.
“You okay?” Gabe asks me.
I nod quickly, although I feel far from okay. This is certainly not the gentle and casual first introduction we had planned, but he needs to find out how Leah is doing. The fact that Rose is completely uninjured makes me hope her mother faired just as well, but the fact that she’s not here with her daughter has me concerned. They wouldn’t tell Gabe much over the phone. Hopefully he can get some information out of someone around here.
“Do you two want to wait back here?” the nurse asks in a soft voice.
I’d much prefer staying here than trying to keep Rose occupied in the crowded waiting room we recently zipped past. “Yes, please. Thank you.”
She pauses to pat the top of Rose’s head. “This little one must’ve had an angel watching over her, that’s all I can say.”
Shit. What the hell is that supposed to mean? How bad was that accident? I know I shouldn’t ask for specifics in front of Rose, and even if I could, the nurse leaves before I have the chance. Now we’re alone together, and I feel woefully inept. I sit down in one of the two, molded plastic chairs. For right now she is content being held. Her small fingers tangle in the necklace dangling around my neck. “I like your shoes,” I say, because I have to say something, don’t I? “They’re the same color as my sweater.”
“They’re pink.”
“Mmhmm. That’s my favorite color.”
“Mine too.”
Then I proceed to ask her about her favorite book, TV show, song. Anything to fill the silence. The first time I spotted Rose all those months back in that toy store, I thought she looked like Leah, and she does, but there’s a lot of Gabe peeking up at me too. She’s got his eyes, and the same long, slender nose. There’s something reminiscent about her cheekbones as well.
“Where’s my mommy at?”
“Your daddy went to go find out, but I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”
She reaches up towards my fake glasses, and I let her pull them off my face. I settle them on her nose, and she laughs.
God, I hope Leah is okay. It feels like Gabe has been gone forever. Rose reaches for my necklace again, and I slide it off over my head, and settle it around her neck. I pull the wig off, and plop it down over her strawberry blond hair, which she gets a kick out of. Thanks to her short stature, it trails as far as her waist.
Rose hops down off my lap, and runs around in a tight circle, watching the auburn hair flutter behind her. My own hair is pulled back into a tight bun at the nap of my neck.
“You look like Rapunzel,” I say.
Rose smiles wide at the comparison. She has a dimple like Gabe, but only on the one side.
Gabe wanders back in. He lets out a small, downtrodden laugh at the sight of his daughter in my Heidi disguise. His shoulders are stiff, and I can see the muscles in his jaw twitch as he grinds his teeth quietly.
“Is she…” I let my words trail off.
“She’ll be okay,” he whispers. “Rose, are you ready to get out of here?” he asks at normal volume.
It’s not until we are back at Gabe’s apartment, and after Rose’s elaborate night time ritual, that I understand okay is a relative term. Leah suffered a serious concussion, broke her pelvis, shattered her leg. She also lost the baby she was carrying. Eventually she will be okay, but it’s going to be several surgeries and a long time recuperating before that point.
I’ve had moments of jealousy and bitter resentment towards Leah in the past, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
“I swear to god, if he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him myself,” Gabe says in a low tremoring voice while we are huddled together on the couch. Rose is fast asleep, but her door is open in case she wakes up. So far she seems mostly unaffected by recent events, but he’s as clueless as me when it comes to this. Will she have nightmares? Should he talk to her about what happened, or wait and see if she brings it up?
“Who was it?”
“Martin Stamper. I’ve arrested him for DUI, so has Shane. I don’t know how many he’s had, but all they ever do is give him a fine, have in sit in county for a bit, then push him right back out the door. He ran a red light, and slammed into the driver’s side. I said he was going to kill someone one day, and he eventually did.”
He ended up killing himself, and Leah’s unborn child.
“You ready to head to bed?” Gabe asks. “Rose wakes up early. She’s up before the roosters some mornings.”
I’m a little surprised he wants me to stay. He’d been so insistent on transitioning me into Rose’s life slowly, not overwhelming her. Maybe he figures in light of everything else, she won’t notice. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be alone. Whatever it is, I don’t bother to ask.
I didn’t bring anything with me, and I have nothing at Gabe’s place. I sleep in one of his shirts like last time. In the dark, we lay tangled together in the center of his bed. His door is left open too in case Rose wakes up. “I talked to the officer who was on the scene,” he says quietly against my shoulder. “He said it was… He doesn’t understand how anyone walked away from it.”
“But they did. Eventually Leah will be back on her feet, and Rose doesn’t have a scratch on her.”
“I know, but I can’t stop thinking about what if.” His voice is thick, and I hear him swallow close to my ear. “I’ve been called to scenes like that… with kids… that could have been her.” He makes a small, anguished choking sound near my shoulder.
I don’t have the words to comfort him. I don’t know if there are words that could, and I don’t really think that’s what he wants or needs right now. I do the only thing I can do, what I should’ve done all those years ago. I hold him tight while he lets it out.
Chapter 30
Gabe
I set my alarm a little earlier than usual so we’d be up and at ‘em before Rose, but it’s not my alarm that ends up waking me. “Good morning Daddy.” Rose pries my eyelids open with my fingers. “Can we go see Aunt Becca now?”
“I don’t think Aunt Becca is awake yet,” I mumble.
I blink a few times, rub my eyes, and stretch my arms over my head. The events of the previous night hit me all at once. I flip the cover back and pull Rose snug up against me. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.” She wiggles out of my grasp to bounce around the bed.
Trin gumbles incoherently behind me, and I am suddenly all the way awake.
“Morning Trin.” Rose leaps over me to greet her.
Trin’s eyes spring open. She gives me a slightly worried look, and I shrug. Rose seems as unaffected by this as everything else. “Morning,” she croaks. Her eyes sweep over towards the window. “Is it morning?”
“Technically.” I did try to warn her, but I’m not sure Trin believed me.
“I want breakfast,” Rose demands.
“What do you want?” Trin asks, sitting up and pushing her tangled hair back away from her face.
“Pancakes!”
“I don’t have the stuff to make pancakes here.” Actually, I don’t have much of anything in the kitchen. I originally planned on swinging by for some groceries before picking Rose up a few hours from now. I’m almost never here anymore except when I have my daughter.
“I can run out,” Trin offers.
“There’s not much open yet.”
“I’ve got the stuff at my place.” Trin presses her lips together, and gives me an awkward smile. “I don’t know what you want… I’ll just shut up now. I’m not sure if I can cram my foot any further in my mouth at this poin
t.”
Rose laughs, flops down, and shoves her foot in the direction of my mouth. I pretend to gobble up her toes, then give Trin a shrug. “We could if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.”
Maybe this will be good. Trin has a roomful of crap over there for her niece, so there will be plenty of distractions for Rose. I’m still unsure of what’s going to happen, or how Leah is doing, but it’s too early to call her sister and inquire just yet.
When we arrive at Trin’s place, Rose is a little overwhelmed by the sheer size of the home, but she quickly perks up when Trin asks if she wants to help make breakfast.
Trin dumps all the raw ingredients into the bowl, and offers to let Rose stir. She tasks me with cutting up some fruit, then has me hold Rose off to the side so she can watch her cook. “You have to wait until all the bubbles pop, that’s when you know it’s time to flip.”
“Can I flip one?”
“I don’t want you to get burned, but you’re going to help decorate them when I’m finished.”
Rose got a kick out of arranging the fruit on the pancakes in the shapes of a face. She got an even bigger kick out of operating the can of whipped cream, and ended up making a hell of a mess. Trin just laughs, swipes up the excess that somehow lands on her cheek, and licks it off her finger.
Despite her previous proclamation that she’s not good with kids, Trin seems to do just fine with her niece, and Rose is already taken with her. Maybe she doesn’t want to have kids of her own, but I’m more than happy to have her be a part of Rose’s life. She’s so relaxed and natural with her, right up until we all sit down to dig in. Trin stares off at a spot over Rose’s shoulder with a troubled expression.
All of my concerns have been centered around my daughter, but maybe this is moving a bit fast for Trin. An almost four year old is a lot to heap on someone. Maybe it’s more than she really wants.