Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want?

by BAISDEN, MICHAEL

  “Busy my ass,” I laughed. You haven’t had a date in months.”

  “Look who’s talkin’,” he said as he picked up the phone ready to signify. “If it weren’t for Donna, I don’t think you would ever get any.”

  “Is that right? Well, at least I didn’t get handcuffed to a bathroom sink by two stick up women.”

  I was referring to an incident that happened a year ago when two women at a motel robbed him. They promised him a threesome, a night he would never forget, and they were right. When he got to the room, a man was waiting with a gun and they took his wallet, jewelry, and even his designer eyeglasses. After robbing him blind, they made him strip naked, pose nude while they took pictures, and then handcuffed his wrist to the bathroom sink. It wasn’t until 11:30 a.m. the next morning that the cleaning lady found him buck naked, sleeping on the floor. How embarrassing. But little did I know, he would soon get the last laugh.

  “Now why did you have to go there,” he laughed. “How was I supposed to know they wanted to play cops and robbers instead of doctor and nurse?”

  “Let me stop dogging you partner,” I apologized. “I called to ask if you wanted to go out to our favorite spot tonight?”

  “You know I’m game. What time do you want to meet up?”

  “How about 10:00 p.m.? That way we can get our usual table.”

  At that moment, someone was trying to call me on my other line.

  Is that your line or mine?” Allen asked.

  “It’s mine. Hold on for a second.” (click)

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, may I speak to Robert?” a woman’s voice requested.

  “This is Robert. Who’s this?”

  “Oh, you’ve forgotten me already, huh?”

  “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t like playing guessing games.”

  “This is Kelly, remember me?”

  “Well, hello stranger! It’s about time you called. I thought you faked me out.”

  “No, that wasn’t it at all. I just wanted to think about what I was getting myself into. Have you thought about it?”

  “What’s there to think about? We’re two consenting adults, right?”

  “I guess.”

  “Kelly, I’m on the other line with my friend Allen right now. We’re thinking about going out tonight. Would you like to join us?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Would you like for me to pick you up?”

  “No thanks, I’ll just meet you there.”

  I gave her directions to the club and the time we would be there. I then clicked back over to Allen and told him about my unexpected date. He was anxious to see if she measured up to my physical standards. But I was more interested in whether or not she measured up to my sexual standards. She was cute, but I needed a freak.

  When I arrived at the club, Allen was already there with a woman under his arm. He introduced us and ordered a round of drinks. I rested my jacket on the back of the chair and began looking around for Kelly.

  “So where is your date, Romeo,” Allen joked.

  “She said she would try to be here by 10:30 p.m. but you know how long it takes these women to get dressed. First they have to pile on a ton of war paint. Then they’ll spend an hour trying to squeeze into a dress that’s two sizes too small. And don’t even let me get started on how long it takes them to do their hair. It’s like a major construction project!”

  “Yeah, but you men love it, don’t you?” His date said with her hands on her hips.

  “You’re damn right we do!” Allen and I both replied and bumped fist.

  “So, what’s Kelly wearing?” Allen asked.

  “If I know her, she’ll probably have on a pin-striped business suit. She seems very conservative.”

  By 11:00 p.m. I hadn’t seen anyone who fit Kelly’s description. Once again I thought she had faked me out. I walked around looking for her until a woman asked me to dance. “What the hell,” I thought. No sense in spoiling a perfectly good evening.” We danced for about twenty minutes before I noticed this fine woman on the far end of the floor, getting busy. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was Kelly,” I thought to myself. “But there’s no way she would be wearing that short black dress.” After looking harder, I could see that it was her, and she was getting giggy with it!

  “Excuse me” I said to my dance partner. I need a break.”

  “Maybe I’ll see you later,” she said with a flirtatious grin.

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  I quickly ushered her off the floor and headed for the area where Kelly was dancing, and there she was shaking and grinding to the music. Damn she was looking good! I finally got her attention by waving my hands in the air. She immediately broke off her dance and came to me.

  “Where have you been all night?” she said sounding exhausted. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

  “Yeah right. I guess you expected to find me behind the woman’s ass you were dancing with?”

  “Well I did, didn’t I?”

  “I guess you’ve got a point there,” she laughed.

  “So where is your friend Allen?” she asked.

  “He’s at the table, you want to meet him?”

  “Sure, but let me freshen up a bit first.”

  “You look fine, let’s go.”

  She wrapped her arm around mine and I escorted her over to the table proud as a peacock. When we got there, Allen and his date were hugged up like two teenagers.

  “Excuse me love birds,” I interrupted. “I’d like for you to meet Kelly.”

  “Hello, pleased to meet you,” Allen’s date said.

  “Wait a minute!” Allen shouted. “This is Miss Connecticut? No wonder they kicked you out of the state. With an outfit on like that you’re probably illegal.”

  Kelly reacted by laughing and slapping him five, which surprised me. She had seemed laid back and a little boring when we met. Now she was a sociable butterfly and dance machine, but I liked it, I liked it a lot. For the next couple of hours we talked, drank and made jokes about the people in the club. When the party was over, I invited her over to my place for a nightcap. This turned out to be a big mistake. I was about to disclose my residence to an absolute psychopath. But once again, my smaller head was doing all the thinking.

  It was 3:15 a.m. when we made it upstairs to my apartment. After hanging up our jackets, I offered her something to eat, but she wasn’t hungry, at least not for food.

  “Do you have a towel I can wash up with?” she said.

  “Sure I do,” I replied while reaching into the linen closet. “Use this one.”

  “What about a T-shirt?”

  “Ah, no problem, is there anything else I can get for you?”

  “I’m not making you uncomfortable, am I Robert?”

  “Absolutely not,” I lied.

  I could feel the sweat pouring down my back and the bulge growing in my slacks. She casually grabbed the towel out of my hand and went into the bathroom. As the door closed behind her, I went into action. First I took my pants off and slipped on a pair of shorts. Then I selected my old school slow jam playlist on my IPod to set the mood. I love listening to The Isleys Brothers, The Whispers, and Marvin Gaye when I’m having sex. Finally, I took a couple of condoms out of my drawer and put them in my pocket, just in case. Shortly after setting things up, I heard Kelly calling for me to give her a hand.

  “Robert!” she shouted. “Could you come here for a minute?”

  “What is it?” I asked from outside of the bathroom door.

  “I need you to hand me the soap.”

  “No problem!”

  The bathroom was foggy from the hot shower. I grabbed the bar soap out of the soap dish, and I reached my hand inside the shower curtain hoping to catch a peek.

  “Here you go,” I said as her hand took the soap. All of a sudden she pulled my arm and the rest of my body into the hot shower.

  “Hey! What are you doing?”

 
; “Just relax and enjoy the sights,” she said.

  In a very exotic fashion, she reached down and pulled down my shorts. I tried to speed up the process by giving her a hand, but she wouldn’t let me.

  “I’m doing this,” she protested.

  “Be my guest.”

  For the next thirty minutes we had passionate sex underneath the showerhead. Luckily for me I had my soggy condoms on hand. We did it standing up, on her knees, and against the wall. She was so flexible I could have bent her over the curtain rod. “This is too good to be true,” I thought to myself. When the morning came, I found out just how right I was.

  When I woke up the next morning, Kelly was staring down at me with those spooky light brown eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was admiring my body or regretting what had happened. Without saying a word, she sprang off the bed and into the bathroom. I assumed she was ready to go so I put on my robe and opened the blinds. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Just as I was about to make breakfast, Kelly came back into the bedroom ready for more.

  “Where do you think you’re going, mister?” she asked.

  “Well, I was about to scramble some eggs.”

  “I’ve got something for you to scramble all right!” She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back onto the bed. After reaching inside my nightstand for another condom, we were at it again. But this time she was talking crazy while we were doing it.

  “Oh, Robert you’re so fine. Give it to me baby, come on. Deeper, deeper.”

  “You want it all baby?”

  “Yes, all of it, from now on. You’re my man now. You’re mine.”

  “Chill out with all that possession talk; you’re killing the mood.”

  “I’m just talking, baby, just enjoy the ride.”

  I let her statement slide and went back to getting busy. She was a complete wild woman, growling and screaming, “Fuck me, fuck me!” After an hour of this unappealing session, I got up and went to the bathroom. That’s when the telephone rang and the answering machine picked up. It was my girlfriend Donna.

  “Hi honey it’s me. I just called to remind you to meet us at the park at two. Tamera has been asking about you all morning, so don’t be late. Oh yeah, how did it go last night at the club? I know Allen was acting a fool as usual. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Anyway, I’ll see you later, bye.”

  From inside the bathroom, I could hear Kelly mumbling under her breath. When I walked into the living room, she was rushing to put on her clothes.

  “Hey, what’s the rush?” I asked.

  “I can’t believe you Robert.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I guess I was the back up date for last night, huh?”

  “Look, all I did was ask you out. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing except you lied to me about the status of your relationship with your baby’s mother. You two have something serious going on. I may be young, but I’m not stupid.”

  “How in the hell can you gather all that by listening to a phone call? All she did was remind me to come see my daughter. I do that every Sunday afternoon.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now, I’m a little upset,” she said as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door.

  “Wait a second,” I shouted. “I don’t even have your number.”

  She stopped momentarily to write down her cell number. I convinced her to give me a minute to put on my shorts so I could walk her downstairs. After I escorted her to the lobby, I dashed back to my apartment and threw on a pair of old blue jeans to meet Donna and Tamera at the park. As it turned out, that would be the last time I enjoyed myself at the park without looking over my shoulder.

  For the next three days, I was out of town on business. I called home every night to check my messages but Kelly hadn’t called. I didn’t want to give her my cell number. I had that number for years and I don’t give it out until women pass the thirty days crazy test.

  Just so happens Kelly hadn’t passed her probation period. I was thankful that she hadn’t called. She was a little too dramatic for me.

  When I got back in town on Wednesday afternoon, I stopped by the apartment, dropped off my bags, and went to the office for a short conference. By 4:00 p.m., all of the meetings were wrapped up and I had received time off for a job well done. All I had to do was meet a client downtown at 7:00 p.m. and have him sign some papers. After that, the next five days were mine. When I called to check my messages at home, there were three messages from Kelly. I dialed in my code to retrieve my messages.

  “Hello Robert, this is Kelly. Why haven’t you called me? I really need to talk to you. Call me back right away.” (Beep)

  “In case you didn’t get my first message, this is Kelly again. I need you to call me back immediately, this is urgent!” (Beep)

  “Look Robert, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing but you’re fucking with the wrong woman. Either call me back this instant, or I’ll come see you. And you won’t like it!” (Beep)

  “What is this woman’s problem?” I asked myself. I blocked my cell number and dialed the number she left me on the pager twice, but no answer. When I called my answering machine at home, there were three identical messages on it. She was seriously tripin’. But I didn’t have time to deal with her at that moment. I had an important meeting downtown and I needed a quick shower and a nap. I collected all of the contracts, threw them into my briefcase, and headed for home.

  When I drove up to my apartment building, Kelly was parked out front in a red BMW. I parked my Audi in the underground lot and went to see what she wanted. As I approached her car, she jumped out with her hands on her hips. She looked pissed and ready to pop. I insisted that we go upstairs to my apartment so we didn’t make a scene for my neighbors. She locked her doors, grabbed her purse, and followed me to the elevator. I lived on the 25th floor, so the conversation began immediately after the last person got off on the 5th floor.

  “What is your problem leaving me those kinds of message?” I shouted. “Are you out of your mind?’

  “What else was I supposed to do? She replied. “You didn’t call me for three days, or return my messages.”

  “That doesn’t give you the right to call me up talkin’ crazy. And it damn sure doesn’t give you the right to stake out my apartment like a detective.”

  As the elevator doors opened onto my floor, we held our tongues until we got past the nosy neighbors who were in the hallway. Once inside my apartment, I sat her down on the sofa, and played back her messages on the machine. Can you believe she had the nerve to start crying?

  “I’m sorry Robert. I didn’t mean to say those nasty things. I just wanted to talk to you, that’s all.”

  “Get up, and come with me!” I shouted.

  I walked her into my bedroom and pointed to the unpacked suitcase lying on the bed.

  “I’ve been out of town on business for the last three days. I can’t just drop everything I’m doing to call you, understand?”

  “I said I was sorry,” she sighed. “What else do you want me to say?”

  “Right now I’d like for you to leave.”

  “But I don’t want to go,” she said as she put her arms around my waist. “Let me make it up to you.”

  “I don’t think that’s possible Kelly.”

  “I’ll do anything you say Robert,” she said as she began to unsnap my pants. “Just don’t ask me to leave.”

  All of a sudden my complaining stopped. She pulled down my slacks, dropped to her knees, and began giving me oral sex. And while I was standing there moaning and groaning trying to keep from biting my lip off, she somehow managed to undress herself and maneuver me onto the bed. I couldn’t believe it. There I was having unprotected sex with this deranged lunatic after she had threatened me over the phone and come over to my house unannounced. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. So, I snapped out of it long enough to pull a condom out of my nightstand and slip it on. I should have ended it right
then and there; that flesh took over my common sense.

  I must have dozed off because when I looked up at the clock on the headboard it read 6:30 p.m. I had to hurry to make my seven o’clock appointment.

  “Kelly, get up!” I shouted

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I have somewhere to go.”

  “I’ll just wait here for you to get back.”