Monster World

by Michael James Ploof

  My blood boiled.

  I’d left my pizza shovel in the tent, but I had trained in tae kwon do for more than a decade. I had the skills to take care of this. The goblin spun around when he heard me coming, but I was already in the air and landed a flying double kick to his chest that sent him crashing through one of the huts. I ran after him as monkeys screamed and exited. The goblin was just getting back to his feet when I appeared. He still held his saw-toothed sword. He swung it at me wildly, but I dodged in an attempt to get him closer to the center beam. I continued to evade the attacks until he finally struck the beam. His sword was good and stuck, and I hit him with a right uppercut that snapped his head back. A kick to the chest sent him tumbling through the back wall.

  The monkeys watched with growing excitement, and when I blocked the goblin’s right hook and broke his arm, they went wild. The cheers of the monkeys only fueled my fighting spirit, and I brought him to the ground hard. I’d rolled with a lot of sparring partners in my day and had mastered arm bars and chokeholds, but I’d never used them in battle.

  I tangled up the goblin in an armbar, simultaneously choking the green bastard with my legs, and I bent that fucking arm as far as it would go.

  SNAP! The arm broke at the elbow. The sickening sound made my bloodlust bubble over.

  The goblin screamed and the monkeys cheered as I got back to my feet. I picked the goblin up in a pile driver and slammed his head into the ground. Another loud pop sounded, but the goblin wasn’t dead yet.

  Good.

  I picked him up by the neck and crotch so he was looking at the sky, then dropped him over my bent knee and broke his back. Fury surged through me as I rolled him over and punched his face until it caved in. It wasn’t until Eva screamed my name that I stopped.

  I drunkenly rose, my knuckles dripping oily blood.

  “The monkeys are evacuating to a safe house,” she said. “Come on!”

  “I need to get my shovel,” I said and fetched it.

  I followed the thick line of monkeys through the jungle with Eva and Doughboy at my side. The safehouse turned out to be a cave in the side of one of the larger hills on the island, and by the time we got there, half the village was already inside.

  “Hurry!” I urged the monkeys as they scrambled up the hill.

  The bats were still approaching from the east. They were perhaps only a mile away, and I counted twenty. Doughboy and I had dispatched the first two easily enough, but if there were two riders to every bat, we’d be facing forty well-armed goblins. I had no idea what kind of fighting prowess their mounts possessed. With their barbed wings and nasty little mouths, I imagined they wouldn’t be very pleasant to do battle with.

  Out in the open, we had no chance. Once the goblins learned that we’d escaped to the cave, they would pursue us, but at least the cave was defensible. The entrance was small, which meant that the bats wouldn’t be able to get in.

  When the last monkey finally scuttled into the cave, and I’d followed them inside, five strong young males rolled a big boulder into place. I helped them wedge the stone with a heavy pole used for that very purpose.

  The cave was dark, and I didn’t have the means to make fire. It turned out that didn’t matter, because when I followed the sound of footsteps through a narrow tunnel, I came out into a large chamber with a glowing pool of water in the center. Bioluminescent eels swam in the pool by the dozens, and they filled the cavern with sparkling light that played off shimmering, mineral-rich walls.

  “Boonboon!” I called to the chief, and he and a group of young monkeys came over. They gathered around. “We need to come up with a defense strategy.”

  I took a quick headcount of monkeys carrying spears and determined there was at least fifty. The females and children had moved to the back of the cave, and the princess was already over there, trying to sooth their fears.

  She was saying, “Don’t worry. Jake Baker is a great warrior. He’ll defeat the goblins.”

  “I need you to show them what I’m saying, Doughboy. Can you do that?” I asked my doughy bro.

  He hopped up and down excitedly, then melted into a lump with two eyeballs, ready to morph as needed.

  I pointed at Doughboy and asked the chief. “Does this cave have a back door?”

  Doughboy morphed into the shape of the hill we were in, and the narrow entrance formed at the front. Another entrance opened up on the other side.

  “Back door,” I said and pointed. “Is there a back door?”

  Sudden understanding flashed in the old monkey’s eyes, and he nodded so eagerly that his nose repeatedly hit him in the forehead.

  “Great. Show me where it is.”

  I followed Boonboon around the pond, past the females and the young, and down another tunnel. We hooked a right in the ever increasing darkness, but then light shone through a hole just big enough for me to crawl through.

  “Give me a minute,” I said, and together with doughboy, I crawled through the hole.

  I exited on the side of the hill opposite the village. The bats and goblins were nowhere to be seen, and I wondered if they had just flown over the island and continued westward. I climbed the hill to get a better view, and my heart sank. The bats had landed, and they were right in front of the cave entrance. I was about fifty feet above them. There were stones scattered about, small enough to move, yet large enough to kill whoever they fell on.

  I hurried back inside, and with D’s help, told the monkeys my plan.

  A heavy bang echoed through the cave, and a guttural goblin voice rose outside. “Human! We know you in there. Give us princess and live. Do not and die. You have fifty breaths to decide.”

  “Fifty breaths. What a douche,” I mocked under my breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no princess here. Thanks, see you later.”

  “You lie,” said the orc. “Ravens follow you and princess. The Goblin King comes soon.”

  A raven squawked, and I glanced at the tunnel leading to the mouth of the cave. The bird was sitting on a stone and watching me with one eye. I grabbed a rock and chucked it at the little bastard, but I missed.

  I grabbed ahold of Doughboy and threw him at the raven. The bird spread its wings to fly, but Doughboy covered the raven like a calzone. Five seconds later, he was spitting out feathers.

  The monkeys nervously chittered when they heard mention of the goblin king, and the princess gave me a worried look. I moved closer to the tunnel so my voice would be louder and cupped my hands over my mouth.

  “I am Jake Baker, the Goblin Slayer, Champion of the Goddess Celesta, Hero of Earth, Slinger of Pies, Wielder of the Legendary Pizza Shovel, and I have claimed the princess for myself. Leave now and give your king this message: if he continues to pursue the princess, I will have his head!”

  “Goblin King no fear humans,” was the snide reply. “We no fear human.”

  “You’ve got one last chance,” I warned.

  “And you have no breaths left,” said the orc. A heavy bang shook the cavern.

  “Boonboon, you and your monkeys ready?” I asked the old chief.

  He nodded and said in a wise old voice, “Ready.”

  I glanced at Eva, winked, and headed toward the back door.

  When Doughboy and I reached the top of the ridge and looked down, I found the goblins still waiting outside the cave. A closer look revealed they were setting up something against the rock that blocked the door. I couldn’t get a good look at the device from my vantage point, but I got the impression it was some kind of bomb.

  “We gotta hit them before they set that thing up, D. Help me get the stones ready.

  I gathered bowling ball-sized rocks and stacked them by the edge. Doughboy helped, and soon we had a good pile.

  “Ready?” I said to Doughboy crouching beside the pile. He wrapped his doughy tentacles around a stone and nodded.

  “Three, two, one….”

  I heaved a rock over the edge without looking and quickly fol
lowed it up with another. Down below, the goblins cried out as rocks crashed around them. I lobbed one right after another and gave them each a slightly different trajectory.

  I heard the telltale flapping of bat wings and glanced down. There were seven dead goblins and one bat below, which put a smile on my face. The other goblins had backed off, and three of the bats were taking to the air. One of the goblins saw me, and I barely had time to duck before a crossbow bolt twanged off the stone where my face had been.

  “Damn, that dude’s a good shot.”

  One of the bats rose to the ledge, and I was face to face with a scowling goblin. I meant to throw Doughboy at him and run for the back door, but he held onto my wrist, and the rest of his doughy body stretched out and latched onto the goblin’s face. I yanked hard, pulled the goblin out of the saddle, and Doughboy snapped back into my hand.

  “Dude! That was sweet!”

  “Sweeeeeet,” he repeated in a gremlin-like voice.

  Another bat and rider appeared, and I used Doughboy like a yo-yo again and plucked the rider from his seat. When a third bat with two riders crested the ledge and fired crossbows, I tossed Doughboy in front of me, spinning him like I was making pizza. He fanned out six feet wide and caught the bolts, and I pulled him in, spun him around my back, and launched him at the goblins. He remained attached to my wrist, split into two tentacles, and latched onto their faces.

  As they fell screaming to the rocks below, faceless and bleeding, their bat flew away with the other two. Doughboy snapped back to me, and to my surprise, he had a crossbow and bolt quiver in his octopus-like tentacles.

  “Damn, you can do a lot more than eat faces.”

  “Sweeeet,” he said with a grin.

  More of the goblins were taking to the sky, and we would soon be overrun. “Time to retreat.”

  Back inside the cave, I nocked a bolt and readied my crossbow. Two bats landed on the ledge about fifty feet away, and four goblins leapt off. I fired the crossbow at the closest, missed, and nocked another bolt. Now that I had gotten the hang of the trajectory, I took careful aim and let loose. It hit the goblin in the neck, and oily blood poured as he fell to his knees.

  Ten goblins down, thirty to go.

  The other goblins leapt for cover behind the larger rocks, and a moment later they popped up and fired their own crossbows. I need only lean back to be out of the line of fire, and after the projectiles twanged off the stone, I returned fire. My bolt hit one of the bats in the nasty little mouth, and the beast reared back and fell over the cliff. The goblins cursed me and fired again, then they were joined by eight more. Soon a steady barrage of bolts was exchanged, but eventually I was forced to retreat down the tunnel. From the front of the cave came a loud explosion, and I realized they had planted and ignited their bomb.

  “I need you to hold the back door,” I told Doughboy and put him down on the stone. “No matter what, do not let them through.”

  He nodded and offered me a crisp salute, then scampered back, laughing like a little devil. I raced back to the main cavern and through the sparkling light. The females and their young were chittering fearfully at the sound of battle from the front tunnel.

  “Jake!” Eva yelled as I passed.

  “I’m on it!” I called and hurried to the mouth of the cave.

  Smoke and dust hung in the air from the explosion, but the light shone brightly through the hole blown out, illuminating the entrance and casting shadows of the attacking goblins across the stone. A group of young monkeys were holding the front line, but the goblins were pouring in at a steady clip. They would soon be overwhelmed.

  Taking a deep breath, I charged into the fray. My spinning shovel gleamed in the sunlight as it severed heads and limbs. I was on a rampage. My years of training took over as I fended off the goblins’ clumsy attacks. I cut through my enemies, and the monkeys, heartened by my prowess, redoubled their efforts and fell upon the goblin horde with their primitive spears. They used teeth and claws and their superior agility to overwhelm them, and we fought them back to the mouth of the cave.

  We killed about a dozen goblins, and when we exploded from the mouth of the cave, those remaining began to retreat. The monkeys chased the goblins as they urged their bats into the sky, and we took down four of the winged beasts before they could get away.

  I yanked my blade out of the back of a dead goblin as the bats flew east. The monkeys rejoiced, hopping up and down and dancing around me. They chanted my name, but the celebration was soured when I saw the extent of the casualties. At least a dozen dead monkeys lay outside the cave, and there were more inside.

  I remembered the goblins who had tried to get through the back, and I sprinted into the cave, turned the corner into the main chamber, and almost collided with Eva.

  “Where’s Doughboy?” I asked frantically.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “What happened? Are they gone?”

  “We scared them away,” I said and continued past her.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To check on Doughboy!”

  She followed me, and soon we found the little dude sitting in a pile of goblin bodies, munching away on heads like it was a Sunday picnic at the park. He glanced up with a wide, bloody smile, then went back to his munching.

  “Gross!” she cried. She gagged, and Doughboy and I shared a laugh.

  I made sure all the goblins were dead, but one of the bats was perched near the ledge, tied to a boulder with a rope.

  “They left one behind,” Eva said, and I put a finger to my lips.

  The bat’s wings were tucked in, its head barely visible under one of them. It was at least eight feet tall, and a rope ladder hung from it. A dark leather saddle was strapped to its back.

  I expected trouble from the winged rodent, but to my surprise, it didn’t react at all when I grabbed the lead.

  “You’re mine now, bat,” I said and pulled.

  The beast walked forward on its hind legs and the barbs on its wings, and black eyes regarded me blindly.

  “This is going to be better than a rowboat,” I said to Eva.

  “I’m not riding that thing.”

  “Oh yes you are, unless you want to row yourself.”

  “But it stinks,” she said, pinching her nose.

  She was right. The giant bat smelled like eggs and moldy basement, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from using it. I’d flown with my uncle over a dozen times in his little Cessna. With the bat I could get the princess back to her kingdom and myself back to Earth much faster.

  Leading the bat, I joined the chief at the mouth of the cave. The monkeys were afraid of it at first, but when I assured them it was now mine, they continued to sing my praises.

  “I’m sorry I’ve brought you so much trouble,” I said to the chief. But he and the monkeys didn’t blame me or the princess. It seemed they thought the goblins would have attacked anyway, and I had saved them, as was foretold.

  I didn’t bother correcting them.

  We took the dead monkeys to the village, and the survivors prepared for a ceremony. I would have liked to stay and pay respects to the furry fallen heroes, but the longer we remained on the island, the longer the big-nosed tribe would be in danger.

  Using Doughboy, I explained to the chief we were leaving, and he nodded and blinked his tired eyes.

  “Ginclaw Boogapaw hut doog dringo,” the chief told the villagers, and they sighed.

  “Ginclaw must fly into the sunset,” I said. “But I shall never forget you, my friends.”

  The monkeys weren’t going to let us go without expressing their gratitude with gifts. They loaded us up with baskets of fruit, woven hats, and ceremonial spears. I didn’t have the heart to tell them we didn’t need half of it, so I packed the stuff on the bat and secured it with vines.

  After a final farewell, we climbed on the bat and waved goodbye. The monkeys cheered as the bat took a running start and rose into the air. My stomach lurched and Eva cried out, then I
steered the bat west. Soon we were gliding over the water.

  “This is incredible!” the princess yelled because of the wind.

  “Beats the hell out of a rowboat,” I said, and she laughed merrily.

  We flew west over the placid waters, and soon the little island was lost behind us. Eva held tight to my waist as I steered the bat onward, and Doughboy stood upon the bat’s furry neck with his doughy cheeks flapping in the wind.

  With any luck, I would be able to fly the bat all the way to Evangeline’s kingdom, after which I could get the hell back to Earth and try to forget this whole crazy adventure ever happened. And then what? Go back to slinging pies? Spend the summer chasing tail and playing “Call of Duty?”

  And what if the goddess couldn’t get me back to Earth? What if I was stuck here?

  One thing at a time, Jake. One thing at a time.

  “Jake, look behind us.”

  I turned in the saddle and cursed. The ravens were following us, and farther away were three more bats, one of which looked about two times bigger than the one we were riding.

  As if it knew its master was behind us, the bat began giving me trouble. It jostled its head around, chomped at the bit in its mouth, and tried to change course.

  “Oh no, you don’t!” I yanked on the reins to show it who was boss.

  “It’s the Goblin King, I just know it!” said Eva, full on losing her shit.

  “Calm down. I think I see land ahead.”

  I gauged the distance between us and our pursuers as compared to us and the landmass.

  It was going to be a close one.

  I snapped the reins harder, urging the bat to go faster. The Goblin King was getting closer, and the landmass ahead was still miles away. I began to fear we might not make it before he and his warriors caught up to us. I still had the crossbow, but I didn’t think I could control the bat and shoot at the same time, and the princess was useless in that regard.

  “We’re not going to make it!” she screamed in my ear, holding me tight.

  “Never say never, baby.” I forced the bat into a dive.