Monster World

by Michael James Ploof

  Five minutes went by, then five more. I was getting edgy, and Scarlett had turned a dusty shade of blue. I was afraid she was going to die, despite being partially immune.

  “She needs medicine,” Eva whispered.

  “I know.” I continued my search for the goblin. “For now we’ll have to hope your prayer works.”

  She nodded and wiped her eyes, then resumed praying to Celesta.

  The screech of the bat issued from far away, and I scoured the piles of rocks for Doughboy. My frustration was growing. We were pinned down in a terrible position, and the women were exposed in two directions. If it came down to a shootout, I was going to have to get pretty damn lucky. A crossbow was a useful weapon at close range, but at a distance you had to be a pro.

  A small stone landed next to me, and I realized the goblin was directly above us. I launched myself through the air and landed on top of Eva and Scarlett. A heartbeat later, a bolt hit the shovel on my back. I rolled, ready to put a bolt up his ass, but he was gone.

  “Fuck you, you ugly son of a bitch! Come out and fight me like a man,” I screamed, and my voice echoed.

  The goblin popped up over the ledge with his crossbow against his shoulder. I was already aiming at the spot, and we both fired at the same time. The goblin’s bolt slammed into my thigh and sent hot pain surging through my leg. My bolt found its mark as well, and the goblin fell back with a cry of pain.

  I glanced at my left leg and cursed under my breath. The bolt had missed the bone and gone clean through. It had stuck in the ground, effectively pinning me there. I reloaded, acutely aware the goblin’s bolt might be poisoned.

  “You ugly rotten human!” the goblin yelled from above. But then his voice got high-pitched, and muffled screams told me Doughboy had landed on his face.

  “Get him, D!”

  I couldn’t see what was going on up there, but the stones and pebbles raining down told me the goblin was really struggling. He was as good as dead, so I turned my attention to the bat. Doughboy had disobeyed my instructions to focus first on it, or he had somehow subdued the creature, but I didn’t think that was likely. Doughboy must have known I was a sitting duck and taken out the goblin first to save me.

  My estimations were proven correct when the bat suddenly appeared, flying east. I only had one bolt left. I took careful aim as it sailed overhead, squeezed the makeshift trigger, and released the bolt. I watched its flight with excitement, knowing it was going to hit the target, but at the last minute, the bat veered right.

  “Shit!” The bat disappeared behind a long stony shelf, and then Scarlett chanted in her strange, magical language. “Une orlathio et vsoras. Une orlathio et vsoras!”

  Sitting upright beside Eva, Scarlett looked half dead, with dark rings around her bloodshot eyes. But there was life and determination in those eyes, and she stubbornly pulled back her bowstring. The arrow glowed. She released it with a cry. It arced east and zipped out of sight, and a moment later, the fleeing bat screeched.

  Scarlett dropped her bow and passed out. Doughboy landed beside me with a mouth covered in dark goblin blood. “Not sweeeet!” he said when he saw Scarlett. He scampered over and fussed over her.

  I crawled over to Scarlett and Eva, and fished through the archer’s satchels until I found her rum. Then I ripped my pants open and poured the liquor on my wound. I cursed and swore and pounded the dirt as I twisted to pour more on the exit wound. Once that nightmare was over, I called Doughboy over and showed him the wound. He cooed like a dove and blinked big eyes at me. Then he pinched two pieces of dough from his round belly and packed them into the wounds.

  “Thanks, buddy.” I inspected his work. Then I took off my shirt and tore it into two long strips. Eva helped me tie the bandages around my thigh, and I stood shakily to test it out. Doughboy’s magical skin had taken the pain away, and just like the sliver wounds, these would heal quickly.

  With my injuries tended to, I turned my attention to Scarlett.

  I knelt down beside her and shook her gently, “Scarlett, can you hear me?”

  “Monsters everywhere,” she slurred.

  “Scarlett, try to focus. What can I do to help you fight this? What is the antidote for—” I glanced at Eva. “What did she call it?”

  “Dark fern. Scarlett, what is the antidote for dark fern?”

  “Their faces are painted… painted… painted for war,” Scarlett mumbled.

  “Scarlett! Tell us how to help you!” I said and shook her more violently.

  “Just need sleep.”

  “Scarlett!”

  Eva doused her with water, and the archer’s eyes shot open for a moment.

  “Book…in my pack. Book,” she managed to utter before passing out again.

  I riffled through her pack. There were two books, one titled Monsters of the Badlands and Where to Find Them, by Red Black, who I instantly assumed was Scarlett’s father, and the other book titled, Poison, Potions, Antidotes and More, by Penelope Primstone.

  I pulled out the book on poisons and paged through it. It was arranged in alphabetical order, and I frantically flipped through until I found the Ds and located dark fern.

  “Here it is!” I said excitedly. “‘Dark fern is deadly to most creatures, but the body can be tempered to withstand poisoning. Partial immunity can be obtained by adhering to the following one-week regimen.’” Scarlett already had that, so I jumped to the next part. “‘If poisoning occurs, it is important the second step be administered within twelve hours or imminent death or partial paralysis will occur.”

  “Oh no!” said Eva.

  “‘If given in time, the antidote will return the victim to full health quickly.’” I read the list of ingredients, and my hope died. “‘One blood fern leaf, two drops of poppy milk, one tear of dragon, three pinches of dried, ground albino toad skin.”

  “How are we going to find all those ingredients in twelve hours?” Eva asked looking as worried as I felt.

  “Maybe she has some of them,” I suggested. We didn’t find anything in the pack, but when I was going through one of her satchels I found a small pouch that felt like it held shot glasses. I opened it up, my heart leaping when I found it contained a dozen small vials. They were labeled, and I read aloud with growing excitement.

  “Here’s poppy milk and tear of dragon,” I said.

  “Oh, there’s the dried toad skin,” said Eva.

  I couldn’t find blood fern.

  “Damnit!” I cursed. “Where are we going to find that?”

  “Look in the back,” Eva suggested. “Maybe there’s a glossary.”

  “You’re a genius!” She was right. I located blood fern and several locations were it could be found, including the forests around the Monster Bane Mountains.

  I closed the book. “We’ve got twelve hours to find blood fern and try to make this concoction.”

  “But it’s so far to the mountains,” said Eva.

  “Then we better get moving.”

  I located a gnarled tree with straight branches and fashioned a litter as fast as I could. Eva helped me secure Scarlett with some rope from the archer’s pack. By the time we finally headed out, we had precious little time left until the poison killed or paralyzed her, so we got our asses moving.

  Eva didn’t complain as we pulled Scarlett through the dusty canyons and up the steep inclines. She was as worried about Scarlett as I was. Doughboy used his stretchy extremities to help us up the steepest inclines, and he tugged on the litter like a bungy cord, scampering ahead and then heaving it toward him as we pushed from behind.

  The sun beat down relentlessly as we crossed the desert. When we hit a long expanse of dry cracked clay, we made good time. The litter skated over it easily, and for a time Doughboy was able to pull Scarlett alone while we jogged beside him. I kept watch on the eastern sky, knowing there were still goblins out there. The Goblin King had an uncanny way of finding us, and I wondered again if there was some kind of tracking spell on Eva or if such spel
ls even existed. When I asked her, she told me that those spells existed, but she wasn’t aware of the Goblin King putting one on her.

  The day waned, as did our strength, but the desert went on and on forever. When we reached a new hill with hopes of finding a forest beyond it, there was only more desert. After hours of disappointment, we finally took a break.

  I was covered in sweat, my throat was dry, and there was hardly any water left in the skins. The dry air, dust, and sun had forced Eva and me to drink more often than we should have. We hadn’t been able to get Scarlett to drink, and I was worried she would die of thirst before the poison had a chance to kill her.

  “We’re never going to make it,” said Eva, huffing and puffing beside me.

  “Never say never.”

  “I feel like I’m going to die. I can’t go on like this.”

  “So you feel like you’re going to die? Scarlett is going to die, so it’s time to put on your big girl panties and help me the rest of the way. You can do this, Eva. I believe in you. You’re a powerful young woman, and when you put your mind to something, shit gets done. Right?”

  “I…I guess.”

  “Say it like you mean it.”

  “Yes!” she said a little louder.

  “You can do better than that.”

  “YES!” she screamed.

  “That’s more like it!”

  She leaned forward, grabbed my face, and gave me a long, passionate kiss.

  “What was that for?”

  “Just for you being you.”

  Doughboy got between us and laid a big wet kiss on Eva’s cheek while at the same time face-palming me away. She giggled and pushed him back playfully, yelling “Yuck” between laughs.

  “Hey, that’s my lady you’re kissing.” I pried him off and we wrestled around.

  We pulled that damned litter for hours, and every time we came to a new ridge, we found only more desert. The sun was getting cozy with the western horizon when I laid the pole down, groaning against the pain of the open blisters on my palms, and dropped to my knees. Eva and Doughboy watched me with concern, but when I put my palms together, they joined me on their knees.

  “Celesta, dear goddess, if I have any favors left with you, I would ask that you show me the Monster Bane Mountains. Please let them be over this ridge. Amen.”

  I nodded at Eva, and Doughboy helped us up as best as he could. Hand in hand, the three of us walked to the top of the ridge. When we reached the summit, Eva let out a tearful laugh.

  In the distance the Monster Bane Mountains loomed, and I let out a tearful cheer.

  “Sweeeet!” Doughboy said, and we fell all over each other, hugging and jumping for joy. We fell to the sand and rolled back down to Scarlett in a happy cuddle puddle.

  A crossbow bolt hit me in the right shoulder.

  I instinctively pulled my pizza shovel from its mount on my back and turned the blade wide. Two bolts winged into it, and I saw our assailants. Four goblins were riding on the back of a mean-looking bat, and one of them held a glowing staff in one hand.

  “Doughboy!” I yelled and held out my right arm.

  He jumped, and I hauled off like an outfielder throwing a Hail Mary for the out at home plate. Doughboy sailed through the air toward the big bat, but the creature quickly barrel rolled and swerved right. Doughboy was a stretchy little son of a bitch, though, and he shot an appendage toward the bat as he fell, and wrapped it around the winged beast’s neck.

  Doughboy snapped toward the bat like a rubber band and covered its face, and I watched with great satisfaction as the bat and screaming goblins crashed to the ground.

  “Protect Scarlett!” I yelled to Eva, then hauled ass to the downed bat.

  It was down but was far from dead, though one of its legs was broken and dangled sickeningly as it tried to buck Doughboy off its face. The four goblins were trying to get out of their saddle. I intercepted the first one when he darted toward the women.

  The fat bastard carried a crossbow in his left hand and a long, jagged sword in the other. He fired the crossbow first, but I deflected the bolt with my shovel, twirling it like a Kung Fu master. He lunged with the sword, but I batted it aside when I came around with the butt of my weapon, then sliced across his fat belly.

  The goblin looked down at his guts spilling onto the sand like hot spaghetti. I severed his head, then moved toward the next in line. I easily dispatched the next two, and the third one was so demoralized, it ran away. I followed and took him out.

  When I returned to my friends’ side, Eva was untying Scarlett from the litter. She saw me coming, she dropped what she was doing, and ran to me with tears streaming down her face.

  “It’s okay,” I said as I leaned on her, leg aching. “It’s over.”

  “You’re hurt,” she said when she saw the crossbow bolt in my shoulder.

  “It hit the pauldron. Let’s get Scarlett in the saddle.”

  We returned to the bat, and I moved around to the front, where Doughboy’s face lay over the bat’s face.

  “You got this?” I asked him.

  “Sweeeet,” he said and made the bat flap its wings.

  I looted the dead goblins, ignoring their shitty money and going for the weapons. I strapped three crossbows to the four-man saddle, along with the mage’s staff and his two satchels, which were filled with all kinds of weird shit.

  I strapped myself in behind Scarlett and Eva. “Take us to the mountains, D.”

  The bat’s wings flapped furiously, and Doughboy made it hop along on its one good leg until it worked up enough speed to take off. It was shaky at first, but soon we were soaring through the sky on warm winds.

  We flew toward the Monster Bane Mountains as the sun disappeared behind them, and soon we were flying over the forest in the foothills. I saw pines and ferns.

  “Bring us down in that clearing!” I told Doughboy.

  He brought the bat down nice and easy, but no sooner had the beast landed than it lurched, stumbled, and fell dead in the grass. The fall jostled us pretty good, and I cursed under my breath when Scarlett’s head flopped around lifelessly.

  “Help me get her down,” I said to Eva, unstrapping myself.

  I carried her to the edge of the clearing and laid her on the fur blankets Eva had spread on the ground. Then I fetched the book on antidotes and studied the drawing of a blood fern.

  “D, I need you to watch over Scarlett while Eva and I search for this plant. Can you do that?”

  He puffed out his chest and flexed his arms.

  “He should come with me,” said Eva. “When we find the plant, we’re going to have to have a fire ready. You could get that started while we’re gone.”

  “Good idea, but don’t wander too far.”

  I gathered deadwood, never letting Scarlett out of my sight. When I had a good-sized bundle, I put stones in a circle and dug a shallow pit. Using Scarlett’s fire starter, I had flames going in no time.

  I turned my attention to Scarlett. She didn’t look good, and worry squeezed my heart. Her lips were chapped, and her skin was ashy gray. When I pressed an ear against her bosom, I heard a weak heartbeat.

  “Come on, Eva….”

  I remembered our skins were bone dry and cursed when I realized I’d have to leave Scarlett to find water.

  With any luck, Eva and Doughboy would be back soon, so I took off with the skins and her pot. It took more than ten minutes of stomping through the thick underbrush before I finally located a small creek. I filled up both waterskins, then the cooking pot, and hurried back as fast as the jiggling water allowed.

  Eva and Doughboy were back, and the look on her face told me they had been successful.

  “We found it!” she cried.

  “Good job.” I moved to the fire, balanced the pot on the coals, and covered it with the lid.

  I rubbed my hands together. “Let’s try not to fudge this up.”

  I read the procedure out loud. “‘One blood fern leaf when the water is st
ill cool.’” Eva dropped it in. “‘Two drops of milk of poppy when the water turns green and the fern’s oil floats on top.’” Eva added the milk of poppy at the correct moment. “‘One tear of dragon when thirteen bubbles form on the bottom of the pot.’”

  We watched for bubbles, the wait excruciating. When one formed, we started counting aloud. “…two…three…four…five….”

  “Not sweeeet!” said Doughboy, and I sent him a quelling look.

  He pointed, and I groaned. What shitty timing!

  “Six, seven, eight, nine,” Eva continued.

  “Keep counting,” I said, squinting at the eastern sky.

  “What is it?” she asked nervously, then added, “Ten, eleven.”

  I stared at silhouettes of five giant bats. They were a few miles off, gliding just below the clouds.

  “Twelve, thirteen. Jake!”

  “Put in the tear of dragon,” I said and shifted my attention off the approaching bats and back to the book.

  “What’s out there?” Eva asked.

  “Bats,” I said.

  Eva shrieked. “They’ll see our fire.”

  “I know, but I’m not letting Scarlett die.”

  Eva pursed her lips and nodded.

  “One disastrous problem at a time.” I let out a long breath and continued reading. “‘Finally, three pinches of dried, ground albino toad skin when the water is raging. Cover and remove from heat. Wait until cool enough to drink, then administer one cup to patient by way of mouth.’”

  Eva came to stand beside me. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight.

  “There are too many of them,” she lamented. “What are we going to do?”

  “We’re going to finish giving Scarlett what she needs. It should be ready by the time they land.”

  She looked up at me with teary yet determined eyes. “Perhaps I should just turn myself over to the Goblin King. Maybe he will let you both go.”

  “Not an option, babe,” I said. I kissed her, then held her tight. “We’re going to get through this.”

  She trembled in my arms. “We were so close.”

  I held her at arm’s length and made her look me in the eyes. “No more of that talk, understand? Doughboy and I aren’t going to let anything happen to you two.”