Monster World

by Michael James Ploof

  “Okay. What do you need me to do?”

  “Follow the rest of the instructions. No matter what happens, get that concoction down her throat one way or another.”

  “I will.”

  “Sweeeet?” Doughboy asked.

  “You and I are going to set up a welcoming committee, give these fuckers a surprise party they’ll never forget.”

  “Sweeeet,” said Doughboy and rubbed his hands together.

  I handed Eva a crossbow.

  “Will I need this?” she asked, startled at the weapon in her hands.

  “Let’s hope not, but if you get a clear shot at the Goblin King, don’t hesitate to take it.”

  She nodded and glanced at Scarlett. “She’s fading.”

  “The concoction will be ready soon,” I said and watched the approaching goblins, wondering if it would be ready in time.

  The bats were close enough for me to see the Goblin King on the one in the middle. He was distinctly tall and skinny, looking like a proud skeleton on the back of his massive bat.

  “You ready, D?” I asked, and he nodded grimly.

  Eva tested the contents of the pot with her finger. She shook her head, indicating it wasn’t ready.

  “Let’s buy Scarlett some time,” I said, and Doughboy hopped into my hand.

  The bats were gliding in for a landing rather than flying over us to attack. I walked out to meet them after all five had touched down. The goblins climbed down. The Goblin King was the only one to remain in his saddle. He walked his bat toward us as the goblins fanned out around him. There were two mages among them; the rest carried crossbows and swords.

  I stopped twenty feet from Eva and stood tall with a crossbow in one hand and the enchanted pizza shovel in the other. The king, in turn, stopped twenty feet from me. His mount flexed its long wings before tucking them in and hooking the ground with the barbs on its wing joints.

  To my surprise, the king clapped slowly.

  “Really?” I said to Doughboy. “A slow clap?”

  D shook his head. “Not sweeeet.”

  “The champion of the Goddess Celesta,” he said regally.

  “The name’s Jake Baker,” I said in a gravelly voice, “but you can call me Death.”

  “How intriguing,” he said, amused. He wore a jet-black leather suit with an ’80s rock star bulge in his crotch. His coal-black hair was slicked back tight. His light green skin was smooth and wart-free, and his teeth gleamed white when he smiled.

  “I’ve killed more of your goblins than I can count,” I said. “But I’ll give you this one chance to turn around and fly away.”

  One of the goblins got a little too close for comfort, and I put a crossbow bolt between his eyes.

  The other minions looked at the dead goblin, then at their king, who burst into raucous laughter. They crowed right along with him, pointing at the dead goblin and calling him an idiot. Sounds of their merriment echoed through the clearing and made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

  I glanced at Eva, but she shook her head again: still not ready.

  When the laughter died down, the king was grinning.

  “Jake Baker, such a quaint name for a champion. But I like it, and I like you, Jake. You have given us an excellent chase and have proven yourself a resourceful man. I tell you what, you hand Princess Evangeline over to me, and I shall forgive the deaths you have caused. Not only that, but I shall make you a commander of my great army. You will be a lord of the underworld, respected and feared by all. What say you, Jake Baker?”

  I looked at Eva again, and my heart thudded when I saw her administering the antidote to Scarlett. She smiled at me, and I mouthed the words, I love you.

  I fired my crossbow at the goblin king, and all eyes watched as his hand shot up and grabbed the bolt, stopping it an inch from his forehead.

  The goblins waited.

  I waited.

  Doughboy waited.

  Behind me, Scarlett gasped and Eva sobbed.

  “Wrong answer,” said the Goblin King.

  “Now, D!” I yelled and sped right when my friend shot out his tentacle-like arms, grabbed a goblin twenty feet away, and snapped onto its face.

  Crossbow bolts screamed toward me, and I spun my pizza shovel in a dizzying routine that deflected or smashed them all. Then I buried the blade in the closest goblin’s head. I jerked my weapon out as the mages launched fireballs at me in unison and ducked behind the dead goblin, using him as a shield. The two burning projectiles slammed into the body, and it disintegrated before my eyes. Another fireball came toward me, and I batted it with my pizza shovel. It ricocheted, hit the king’s bat in the chest, and the beast went down hard.

  Doughboy had latched onto the face of a tall, muscular goblin with a huge club. Soon he’d taken over the bastard’s mind and was attacking the other goblins.

  A crossbow bolt suddenly tore across my cheekbone, and I zeroed in on the shooter, who was frantically trying to reload.

  “Move, coward!” screamed a sword-wielding goblin with red eyes.

  He pushed the archer out of the way and stomped toward me, growling and dripping drool from his too-big mouth. I maneuvered so he was between me and the other archers, and when he lunged for me, I met his strike with the flat end of the pizza shovel. His sword shattered into a hundred pieces, and as the goblin stared at the broken hilt, I relieved him of his head.

  I sliced the next goblin’s throat, then hacked off the left leg of another. There were now only six goblins left, but I couldn’t see the king. Doughboy had left a trail of bodies behind him, and he had killed one of the mages. The body he controlled had taken a beating, but if he felt anything, he didn’t let on.

  I cut through the remaining goblins like a cornered animal. After I’d killed the last goblin in front of me, I raced over to help Doughboy, whose host was now on the ground being stabbed repeatedly. I took care of his attacker, then finished off the last goblin by going into MMA mode. I wrapped my legs around him and squeezed tight, then boxed his ears and twisted with all my might. We rolled and I came out on top, and I snapped his neck.

  “Well done!” said the Goblin King.

  I pulled myself to my feet. The king was standing in front of me about ten feet away, but he was also to my right, left, and behind me. There were four different Goblin Kings, and I wondered which one was real.

  The one between the girls and me might have been the real one, but that seemed too obvious. The one to my right was close to Doughboy, which seemed like something the well-preserved king would not risk. That left the one in front and to my left.

  “Enough of your tricks. Stand and fight me like a man.”

  “Like a man?” An identical sneer was on each face. “The valor you speak of has killed many men indeed. I do not play by such virtuous and stupid rules. It’s much more fun this way.”

  I picked up a discarded crossbow and aimed it at the king in front of me. He smiled. All of them smiled and looked at me without fear.

  “It’s a shame really. If you had agreed to my terms, I was content to allow the redheaded beauty to live,” said all four kings. They all raised their right hands. Each one had a glowing ruby ring on the middle finger.

  I suddenly noticed that only one of them cast a shadow.

  I took aim and fired at the king between me and the girls. The bolt slammed into his ruby ring. It exploded, taking the king’s hand with it.

  He let out a horrified cry as he beheld the meaty stump. The other three illusions faded, then vanished.

  I stomped toward him with the pizza shovel, and he sneered and thrust out his left hand. There was a flash of blue light, and Doughboy flew by. The spell slammed into him, and he hit the ground in a smoldering heap. Rage surged, and I vaulted through the air and buried the blade in the Goblin King’s head. It split in two and opened like flower petals as he fell to his knees.

  Balancing a boot on his shoulder, I yanked it free.

  Panting, I looked at Eva and Scarlet
t.

  They smiled at me, and my heart swelled.

  “It’s over,” I said.

  I walked apprehensively over to Doughboy and knelt beside him. He looked like a fresh loaf of sourdough. All that remained of the animated little shit he had once been were his big eyes, closed peacefully.

  “Ah, shit, D.” My vision blurred with hot tears. “Why’d you have to go and be a hero?”

  Eva ran over and knelt beside me.

  “I think he’s gone.” My voice cracked, and she put an arm around my shoulders.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I choked down my sorrow and put him gently in my pack. There would be time for mourning later. I had to make sure all the goblins were dead, loot the bodies, and get the girls out of there. The bats had flown away at some point during the battle.

  “Are you strong enough to walk?” I asked Scarlett.

  “I don’t think so. I’m sorry.” She looked guilty. “If I hadn’t let myself get hit with that damned dart, you wouldn’t have been slowed down so much, and Doughboy would still be alive.”

  “Don’t blame yourself,” I said. “Shit happens when you’ve got the Goblin King after you.”

  “Why didn’t you just leave me? I would have.”

  “You wouldn’t have. Besides, we’re a team, and the rule is no one left behind.”

  “You’re a good man, Jake,” she said. “Someday it’s going to get you killed.”

  I shrugged. “You gotta go some way.”

  I took two fresh crossbows, two quivers of arrows, and the Goblin King’s other ring, the one he’d used to kill Doughboy with. It was bound to be worth a shitload of money. It seemed pretty powerful, and that wasn’t the kind of thing you left behind. I also took the two dead mages’ staffs, jewelry, and satchels.

  The Eye of Zodin was setting in the north by the time we left. Our mood was forlorn as we walked through the tall pines in darkness. I was numb from the loss of Doughboy, but there was also a feeling of peace from knowing our pursuers were dead, and we’d be soon safe on the other side of the mountains.

  Several hours later we finally reached the foothills, and our way became much steeper. The mountains loomed before us, shimmering with specks of blue in the waning light of Zodin’s Eye. It wasn’t hard to find a suitable cave for the night, and soon I had a good fire going.

  I laid on my fur blanket and fell in and out of sleep as Eva tended to Scarlett. It was strange seeing someone usually so selfish fussing over someone else. It was also sad to see Scarlett so in need. She was usually so strong, vibrant, and full of life, and to see that light shine so dim seemed to put a damper on the whole world.

  I awoke hours later to Eva telling Scarlett a story about a rabbit in a hushed voice. She sounded tired, but she coaxed Scarlett to keep drinking water and fed her smoked pork, and I smiled as I drifted off again.

  When I awoke again, Eva was sleeping beside Scarlett, who was snoring softly. Her color was a lot better, and her chapped lips were covered with a balm. It even looked as if her hair had been washed, combed, and braided.

  I got up and groaned like an old man at the pain in my leg. I moved to the fire, unwrapped the soaked bandage, and tossed it aside. The wound looked red and raw, but it didn’t stink or have any puss in it, so I doused it again with rum and wrapped another cloth around it.

  I tossed a few more branches on the fire and went outside for some fresh air. The eastern sky was well lit, and I knew the sun would be up any minute. I glanced at my right shoulder, where Doughboy probably would have been sitting if he had made it through the night. I imagined him staring at the rising sun with his big anime eyes, and in my mind I heard him.

  “Sweeeet,” he would have said, and I laughed at the thought.

  My laughter turned to burning sorrow in my throat, and I cried.

  “I can’t believe you’re gone, little dude.” I had a sudden thought and shouldered off the pack to look inside. My heart beat hard as I fumbled nervously with the buttons. I thought maybe, just maybe he would be healed and I would see him grinning up at me.

  He hadn’t changed. Those big eyes remained closed, and his once soft skin was hard crust.

  I watched the sun chase the darkness west, and I turned until I was looking up at the mountains looming before us. They sparkled red, orange, and pink, and I wondered what lay beyond them. I’d heard a lot about the wider world, but I had yet to get past the Badlands. I imagined the celebration the king would throw when I brought his daughter back to him and the accolades they would bestow on me.

  First things first, Jake. First things first.

  Scarlett was getting better, thanks to the enduring attention of the princess, and I decided we would camp in the cave until she was fit for travel. Now that the Goblin King was dead, I didn’t really care how long that took. It was refreshing to not have that threat looming over us, and by then I wasn’t too worried about the other monsters roaming the badlands. I had seen my share, and I had beaten them all.

  I spent the afternoon hunting in the pine forest east of our cave. Doughboy was no longer around to protect the women, but Scarlett was fit enough to draw a bowstring, and Eva had already killed with her dagger.

  It took a few hours, but eventually a nice young buck walked into the clearing I was scouting from the boughs of a tall pine. By some miracle, the buck walked my way, and I let a bolt fly. It was not a clean shot, and I chased that damn buck for miles. By the time I found it on its side in a ravine, I was sucking on fumes.

  Exhausted, I dropped down beside it and patted its shoulder. Its eyes were cloudy, and its breathing was shallow.

  “Thank you,” I said as I stood and took my enchanted shovel in both hands. “Your sacrifice with help a princess to survive, and for that an entire country is grateful.”

  “Venison! It’s what’s for dinner,” I said as I walked into the cave a few hours before sunset.

  “Drop the weapon, friend.”

  Two men and two woman stood in front of the fire. I couldn’t make out their faces. The man who had spoken was tall and wide-shouldered, like a college linebacker. Eva and Scarlet were sitting next to each other on the other side of the fire. Eva looked afraid, but I saw mild enjoyment on Scarlett’s face and perhaps a bit of annoyance.

  “You mind if I put the haunches down first?” I asked and continued walking into the cave.

  “Stop,” Linebacker said evenly, and I heard a bowstring creak.

  I dropped the hunks of meat on the ground and scowled. “Listen, dude”—I took the enchanted pizza shovel off my back and slapped it against my left hand—“I just survived a naval orc battle, a horny school of murlocs, three ugly trolls, an army of goblins, and the fucking Goblin King himself. Believe me, I have no problem adding a pack of cutthroats to the fucking list.”

  “Settle down, friend,” said Linebacker.

  “Go fuck yourself, and get away from the women!”

  The bow creaked again, and I glared at the archer. “Give it your best shot, cocksucker, but you better kill me.”

  “We’re not here to kill,” the leader said calmly and raised a hand to the archer.

  “Then what the hell do you want?”

  “To negotiate.”

  “Why the hell would I negotiate with you? You have nothing I want or need. The way I see it, you’ve invaded my camp, and I’m perfectly within my rights to kill you all.”

  “Perhaps,” he said, and stepped into the last bit of sunlight streaming in through the entrance. “Maybe you’d kill us all, maybe not. But this I know: there is another way to proceed, and it can end with all parties benefitting.”

  “Tell your men to fuck off and point those arrows somewhere else.”

  He nodded, and his cronies lowered their weapons.

  “I’m tired, and I’m hungry,” I said and walked toward him.

  He was about forty-five years old, grizzled but handsome, with a week-old beard and about half a dozen scars across his face that were suspiciously u
niform. His green eyes reminded me of Scarlett’s, and I choked back surprise. I glanced at her, and she nodded.

  “You’re Red Black, Scarlett’s father,” I said. “You’re the author of Badland Monsters and Where to Find Them.”

  “Correct you are, sir. Might I shake the hand of the man who saved my daughter’s life?”

  “Of course,” I said affably, and the mood in the room changed in an instant.

  “Rusty, you and Ruby butcher that deer for the good man. Jade, pour us some wine. Let’s get some wood on this fire, for I feel there are tales to tell.” He slapped me on the shoulder, and I laughed maniacally.

  When shit got weird on the other side of the mountain, shit got really weird.

  I went over to Scarlett and Eva. “What the fuck is going on?”

  “Family reunion, I guess,” she said hoarsely.

  “Please, sit and drink,” said Red. “I shall explain how things work east of the Monster Bane Mountains.”

  “Anything spoken of this night will pertain to Princess Evangeline,” I said and winked at her. “Surely you should invite her to your circle before me.”

  “Of course,” he said with a bow. “Where are my manners?”

  A moment later a short redheaded young man pulled up a wooden stump for the princess. He even put a cushion on top.

  “Please join us, princess,” Red said and extended an arm.

  I sat after Eva did, and Red sat across from us. Jade handed us all full tankards—even Scarlett, who was propped up against the wall. Rusty and Ruby were skinning the deer, and three others I hadn’t been introduced to yet were guarding the mouth of the cave.

  “They are Emerald, Azure, and Periwinkle the Steel Fist, but you can call him Perry,” said Red Black. “They, like Scarlett, are my children.”

  “Who’s the matron of Clan Black?” I asked half-jokingly, but everyone hung their heads.

  “Pearl left us many years ago,” Red said.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No worries.” Red raised his glass. “To Pearl, the Mother of Clan Black, Slayer of the Colossal Man-Eater, Vhreshmire, Guardian of the Badlands.”