Jordan

by Lindsey Hart

  Effie closed her eyes. She knew that her surrender wasn’t long in coming and she wanted to feel everything first. Above her, Jordan’s skin grew as damn hot as her own with the sensual dance of their bodies. Jordan trembled above her and she shuddered below. Her hips bucked upwards, grinding violently as nonsensical moans were ripped from her lips.

  She ground against him, twisting, finding a hard, rocking rhythm that drove them both closer to the brink. The tempo of their breaths changed again. Her lungs screamed for air but she wasn’t coming up for it. Lights burst behind her closed lids, a string of yellows and reds and purples and whites that were violent in intensity. Almost as violent as the spiraling heat pooling in her limbs. It reached every single nerve ending, ignited and fired and burned her body in a way that would leave a permanent mark.

  Her hands scrabbled for him, her hands grasping Jordan’s strong, muscular shoulders. He was so warm, so alive. He was silent above her save for the sounds of his breath. She didn’t dare open her eyes. The room was punctuated with her own little moans and whimpers of pleasure that she couldn’t contain.

  She wanted this. She wanted it so very badly. Jordan’s hands roved over her hips, her back, her arms. He made her come alive. Effie soared. She had never felt so connected, so right, so one with another person before. Her body sang, her blood roared, her heart pounded wildly.

  Jordan leaned over, thrusting harder, hitting even deeper than before and she took all of him. Her body stretched to fit. The delicious friction built, spiraling deep in her belly and her thighs, spreading through the rest of her body.

  When his lips found hers, his mouth demanding and hungry, she surrendered completely. She shattered with a violence that was so intense it was shocking. Jordan ate the sounds of her climax, her screams and cries. She dug her nails hard into the flesh of his shoulder before she raked them down his back, pushing him into her, praying he would never stop. Never stop taking her and that she would never stop giving.

  They went on like that, taking, giving, taking, giving, thrusting, grinding, hip bones crushing together, cries and flesh slapping together until Jordan made a strangled noise in the back of his throat. His entire body tensed as he thrust hard one last time before he all but collapsed on top of her. He was trembling, shuddering, and she held him, her arms wrapped so very tightly, holding him to her, never dreaming of letting go.

  When she finally crashed back down to earth and Jordan rolled to the side. She chanced a look at his face, shy as she ever had been now that the raw need was fading. His gaze met hers and his amazing lips turned up in a soft smile. It lasted for just a second before he looked away.

  Effie froze. She shifted on the bed, pulling herself upright. She wrapped her arms around her knees as she hugged them to her chest.

  No. He can’t be pulling away already. He can’t be. Not when what just happened was the most amazing experience of my life. Is it possible he didn’t feel it too? That he doesn’t want me after all?

  She shook herself, refusing to let her thoughts spiral out of control. She had the presence of mind to realize that Jordan was probably just exhausted. He’d been fevered and ill and hadn’t even really had anything to eat or drink.

  “I’ll get a snack,” Effie whispered. “And something to drink. And then I’m coming back.” The unspoken promise of her words echoed in the silent room, filling the holes and gaps between them, soothing over the horrible doubts in her heart.

  He turned his head and looked at her, whatever was in his eyes quickly shuttered. His gaze swept over her body, setting her on fire from the inside out. The answering sparks flared in his dark blue orbs and gave Effie hope. He nodded once and that was all it took.

  As she quickly threw on her clothing, heart pounding, she was foolish enough to ignore all the signs and let herself hope. Hope that some way, in some world, they could work out. That the string binding them so close together wouldn’t snap, leaving them both adrift and lonely, wanting and aching once more.

  CHAPTER 17

  Jordan

  Find yourself. Find yourself. Find yourself.

  The words echoed, a mantra through Jordan’s dream filled sleep. He opened his eyes and it was all real. All his dreams. There was an angel in his bed. An angel who spent the entire night by his side. Effie, sensual goddess she was, broke down every single wall and barrier. She pierced right through his protective armor and cut straight to the core of him.

  No other person on earth had affected his heart and soul the way she did. She broke him and reassembled all the pieces. He knew the truth of it. That he wasn’t sure what they were doing but it was right. Right in a way he never knew even existed.

  Feelings like that are for silly love songs, poems and books, aren’t they?

  He had never once considered that it could happen to him. That he’d find his soul stripped bare and defenseless.

  Find himself? Hell, he’d lost himself, and it scared the hell out of him.

  This was a mistake. The worst kind of mistake. The kind that could destroy me, ruin me and bring me to my knees.

  Effie’s wheat ripened hair spilled over the white pillowcase. The bars of sunlight cast by the blinds illuminated her features and sharpened her beauty. He longed to run his hand over the delicate, soft curve of her cheek, the turn of her jaw. He wanted to taste that sweet spot at her throat once more.

  So incredibly beautiful. This is dangerous. A million things could go wrong before one thing goes right.

  At that moment, Effie’s dusky eyelashes fluttered open. He tried to look away, but she caught him shamelessly studying her and she smiled that soft, tender smile she reserved just for him. The light in her eyes was both enrapturing and terrifying.

  “Jordan,” she breathed. Her smile grew wider. “It’s morning?” Her eyes fell to his hands automatically.

  Yes.

  She waited, expecting more than that. Her smile slowly faded, and it broke his heart to watch her lips turn into a grim line. He wanted to kiss those lips, bring back the dazzling, wondrous smile. Instead, he stared right through her, seeing only the end. A disastrous end. He didn’t do this. He didn’t open himself up to people like this. Not really. Not truly.

  “I- uh- should we get up?” The uncertainty on her face and the flicker of hurt in her eyes was so painful it hurt to breathe.

  I think it would be wise if no one knew about this.

  “What do you think? That I’m going to go tell the entire crew?” Effie pulled the sheet up to her chin as though she could ward away his next words.

  Ted undoubtedly knows. He won’t tell anyone. This was… his hands paused. He knew he shouldn’t say it. He should just stop right there. Protect Effie like everything inside him screamed for.

  “A mistake,” she filled in. “A mistake we did over and over again.” Her lips flattened out into an angry line. He couldn’t look at her eyes. He couldn’t bear to see the disappointment there. “You could have stopped me before it happened. All night. Once is a mistake. More than that is because you wanted it.”

  I wanted to hope that it could be different somehow, but it can’t be and we both know it.

  Effie paused, her lips parted in surprise or anger. “Why are you so afraid?” she finally forced out. “You know as well as I do that this was right. I’ve never felt this way about anyone! You think that doesn’t scare me too? And add to that, you’re my boss. I understand what’s at stake here. I understand that you have a reputation to hold up. Believe me, I get it.”

  You don’t. Not truly. Jordan felt like he was falling. Falling down, deeper, into a pit of his own dark destruction.

  It’s safer to be there than to be with her.

  Don’t let your feelings get in the way of facts. This isn’t love. It’s loneliness and lust. That is all. You need to get up and get dressed. Luckily, we haven’t pulled into anywhere. Pack your things. You’ll move back onto your regular bus.

  Her eyes flew to his face and there was no denying the anger there or
the sharp intelligence burning behind those orbs.

  She knows. She knows that I’m trying to drive her away. That I’m a coward.

  “Don’t do this. Don’t pull away just because you’re finally feeling something real. Don’t drive me out when you know full well that I belong with you.”

  Do I? Sometimes sex is just sex.

  “And sometimes it’s a hell of a lot more than that.” Effie threw back the covers and stood boldly at the side of the bed, completely naked. She stared at him in challenge. She knew she was completely enthralling. Utterly captivating. Totally enchanting. His beautiful nymph.

  I could have that. If only I wasn’t afraid. If only I wasn’t a fraud. If only I hadn’t had to spend my entire life being strong when it’s the last thing I actually am.

  Get dressed please.

  “No, Jordan. Not until you look at me. Look at me! Tell me that sex is just sex. Tell that to my body that you just loved. That just loved you. Say the words again! I dare you.”

  His hands stilled on top of the cover. He raised them but couldn’t make a sign.

  I can’t do this. I can’t. The light of morning changed everything. When his mind wasn’t a tangled, confused mess, when his heart was already aching, he couldn’t take the chance. He knew he couldn’t survive it.

  I’ve spent my entire life running. Everything that happened taught me that it’s better to protect yourself than it is to have any kind of weakness someone can exploit. I’m more of a fraud than I ever was.

  Effie understood exactly what he was thinking. Her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes softened, silently pleading. “I’m not them, Jordan. I swear I wouldn’t hurt you. Now. Ever. We can do this, if you want it. Because I do. I want it so badly. I know how you feel. I coasted through my life. Never took a chance. Never saw anything. Never did anything. I never left the town I grew up, my family. I never lived until this job. Until I met you.”

  A horrible, oppressive silence settled over them.

  I’m sorry, Jordan finally signed, full of regret already. I can’t take the chance. At the end of the day, this isn’t right. Not while we’re on tour.

  “Not while we’re on tour. You mean not ever! I know exactly what you’re saying, Jordan. Maybe you were right. You are a hypocrite. You tell people to live their lives to the fullest. To take chances. To live without regret. You tell them to look deep inside themselves and find what they want most and go for it or they won’t be happy. What a load of bullshit!”

  Effie stalked across the room, savagely gathered up her clothing, and began pulling it violently on.

  Jordan froze. Get up. Go to her. Kiss her. He ignored the pleading voice inside himself. He did absolutely nothing at all.

  Her clothes finally in place, rumpled and askew, her eyes blazing with the fiercest rage and the deepest hurt, Effie turned to him one more time.

  “I’ll leave. I’ll go back to my bus. I’ll chalk this up to a one-night stand that I’ll probably regret for a long time. I don’t know how I could have been so wrong about you. This wasn’t wrong, but you make it feel that way. I’ve never felt so cheap in my entire life, Jordan. I’ve realized that you aren’t the man I thought you were. I thought you were strong, but you’re not. You’re shriveled up inside, too terrified to truly live. You live through your talks and you live through the pages of your writing. You have no other life. You have nothing.”

  She left, her painful words swirling around the room. He settled back against his pillows, blinking hard against the shameful burn of tears. He swallowed hard, pushing down the sick regret that crawled up his throat.

  He waited for a few long heartbeats before he sat up again. He threw off the covers, almost violently. He dressed nearly as violently as Effie had.

  In the end, she would see that he was right. It never would have worked. He’d spared them both the worst of the heartache and the pain. Considering how damn much his chest ached at the moment, it was no small mercy.

  CHAPTER 18

  Effie

  Effie stood under the bright, hot lights, facing the crowd. She closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath.

  She glanced at Jordan out of the corner of her eye. He was set to begin. His charcoal suit looked like it had been tailored to his body, a body she now knew intimately, the greatest mystery and secret she’d ever known. His black dress shirt, as usual, was buttoned right up as far as it would go, hiding the scars below.

  Scars that he let me see, that he told me about and let me touch.

  As though he sensed her burning gaze on him, Jordan turned slightly. His lips flattened out. All the sorrow and anger she’d seen in his eyes the day before was back.

  What we did was supposed to be a start, not a goodbye.

  It didn’t surprise her, given his current black mood and what he’d done, the implosion of that morning, and all he’d told her the night before, that he’d come to self-destruct. It was apparent from the minute he started signing what he had come to do.

  So, it’s not just me he wants to push away. It’s everyone.

  He was winding up to it. To what he had confessed to her about feeling like a fraud. She knew she had a choice. Tell everyone his most intimate secrets, tell those people out there what he wanted to say, what he’d told her. She could tell everyone that he thought he was a failure. That he thought his methods didn’t work.

  Jordan was hurting. His grief was terrible and only compounded the wounds that were already heavy on his heart. She’d taken him out of it for a short time. She thought he’d even gone willingly. She was sure what they’d felt was real, but she knew like he had said, it wasn’t all black and white.

  She should have translated what he was saying, but when her voice came out, she chose instead, even after everything he’d done and said, the way he’d hurt her, to protect him. She chose to save him from himself. She chose to, because like she told him, things got better. It wasn’t always pain. He would only hurt all the people he had helped by expressing his doubt.

  Effie took a deep breath. She closed her eyes. “Tonight, I’m going to tell you something different. I’m going to tell you that I don’t have all the answers. I’m still searching, just like everyone else, trying to find my way. Life is a battle you have to fight every single day. I’m still working on it and on myself. Life is about discovery. Finding your heart, finding yourself, searching for what life means to you and what you mean to life. Some days are worse than others, but you will get through. You can’t give up or stop trying. You can’t stop… hoping for love and kindness and happiness. Feelings are just that, feelings. They don’t last, and we can’t enslave ourselves to the moment…”

  She went on, saying things, pulling them from a place deep inside of herself that she didn’t even know existed.

  When she finally opened her eyes, Effie didn’t miss Jordan’s frigid glares or the way his signs changed, becoming frantic and more punctuated, angry. She kept going and there was nothing he could do but stand there. Finally, he had no choice but to pick up where she left off and trail into his more regular speech.

  At the end of it all, Effie breathed out a sigh of relief. She was shaking, soaked with sweat, trembling like a leaf. She hardly dared to breathe.

  The crowd went wild. They applauded for longer than she’d ever seen. A surge of happiness swept over her. She’d saved him. She was the one who had done it, had spared him when he couldn’t save himself.

  She knew he’d be angry, but she didn’t expect just how much. Backstage, Jordan grabbed her arm and pulled her aside, into a darkened corner where no one else could see them for the moment.

  His hands flew in a flurry of furious signs.

  She watched his hands while trying to take in the expression on his face. His blue eyes were steely and blazed with anger. His jaw clenched so hard a muscle jumped near his cheekbones. His breath was uneven, and his hands thrashed so violently she could hardly even read what he was telling her.

  You had no right�
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  “I had every right,” she hissed. “You can’t just go out there and hurt people because of your grief and your self-doubt. It’s normal to feel those things, but you can’t destroy other people’s lives because you want to hurt yourself.” Her words brought him up short. He paused, his breaths loud between them.

  What are you talking about?

  “You’re hurting, Jordan. You have to think about the things you say, especially out there, and how you say them because it truly does matter. I’m sorry, I couldn’t let you do it. If you want to talk about some of that other stuff, you can, but you can’t tell people that you feel like everything you’ve said is a lie or that methods that have saved others don’t really work. It would be so harmful.”

  Jordan’s eyes grew wide and his nostrils flared. His entire body trembled with rage. You were hired to do a job. You are supposed to translate what I say, when I say it.

  “Not tonight. And we both know that it isn’t just a job anymore.”

  He paused for a moment and his eyes were so hard and so cold it frightened her. Where had all his tenderness gone? Had his trust in her evaporated? Had all they shared meant nothing at all? When he finally responded, she almost couldn’t believe she’d read his signs right.

  You’re fired.

  “Are you- are you serious?” She spluttered angrily. “You really want me to leave because I tried to help you?”

  You proved that you’re not capable of doing your job.

  “Or that I’ve done it too well.” Her eyes searched his, but he blinked and looked away. “Why are you really firing me? Why do you really want me to go? Because you’re afraid? You’re afraid of letting someone in? You’re scared of actually feeling something when for your entire life that’s been your method of coping? Numbness?”

  His hands shook, and he still didn’t meet her eyes. His breathing was loud, as loud in her ears as her own rapid heartbeat. She couldn’t truly believe what he was saying. She knew he was angry. She tried again, tried to cut through whatever was going on, try to cut through the layers and reach his heart again.