Jordan

by Lindsey Hart

  “Jordan, please. I know you’re mad at me. I’m sorry. If that’s truly what you want to say, I just want you to think about it first and do it in a way that’s not going to harm others. Please understand, I wasn’t trying to sabotage you. I care about you.” She tried to reach out and touch his arm, but he backed away and her heart plummeted straight to the floor.

  I need you to leave.

  “Don’t do that,” Effie whispered, the plea in her voice so much louder. “Don’t push me away just because you’re scared. I’m scared too. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never truly wanted another person or cared about them like I care about you. Don’t push me away. Don’t say things or do things that you can’t undo later.”

  Please. Please just go.

  Jordan squared his shoulders and when he finally was able to look at her again, it was obvious that she wasn’t getting through. Not then, not ever. Jordan had walled himself off. He’d closed up completely. She’d felt him pulling away at the end, in the morning after their blissful, heavenly night together. She’d thought he was just shy, or processing. He was in the middle of hard mourning. He had a lot going on. She’d tried not to take it personally, but it was clear that it was personal.

  “You know,’ she said, no anger or malice in her voice. “I think that this is the only time you’ve been right about being a fraud. The things you talk about, wrote about, it was about facing your challenges head-on. It was about not hiding and not being afraid. You’re the one who said that you have to search for peace. Peace inside yourself before you can ever live a life that’s going to be worth leading. It’s clear that you either don’t want to or can’t. You let someone in for the first time, and you’re scared, and this is how you’re reacting. You’re pushing me away. You’re breaking your own heart before you can even truly feel anything at all.”

  Jordan’s chest heaved, and she thought she saw the barest hint of emotion flicker through his eyes before it was shuttered. He turned and stalked angrily away, in the opposite direction of the exit.

  Effie blinked, staring in disbelief after his retreating figure. If I knew what it meant I would admit that I care about him more than he could ever know. Or at least, that I wanted to eventually.

  She had never been in love with anyone. She’d had boyfriends in the past, but she’d never felt this… this hard aching in her chest, the way her heart felt like it was slowly dying at the prospect of leaving and never seeing Jordan again. Was that love? Could it have been, given time?

  She started walking slowly towards the exit, out to their bus parked behind the building. There wasn’t any use in trying to change Jordan’s mind. He’d spent a lifetime walling himself up to protect himself. He’d got through it the best he could, and he wasn’t ready. Maybe one day…

  Effie used her key to unlock the bus. She climbed inside, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. It was going to be the last time. The last time she was here. In this place, a place she shared with Jordan.

  Anger clawed at her chest, her throat, her lungs. He had no right! He had no right to make her a part of him, to share his heart and soul with her and take hers in return and then shut himself off like that. His fear affected her too. It wasn’t just himself that he was hurting.

  It only took Effie a few minutes to pack up her things. She was wheeling her duffel bag out of the bus, across the parking lot, towards the front of the building where she could probably catch a cab when Ted caught up with her.

  “Missy! Where are you going?” He eyed her bag, his ancient eyes wide and sad looking.

  “I have to go home, Ted,” Effie whispered, trying to choke back the tears. She failed miserably, and they fell in scalding lines down her cheeks.

  “But why? Why are you leaving now?”

  Effie shrugged. Even at that moment, she wanted to protect Jordan. She couldn’t tell Ted what had truly happened. There was a good chance, she knew, that he’d figure it out later, all on his own.

  “I just have to. I’m sorry, I’ll miss you very much.”

  Ted slowly nodded, and she could see understanding glistening in his eyes. In his long life and all his experience, he’d probably seen this a time or two.

  “Go safely then. Do you have a plane ticket or a bus ticket back home?”

  She shook her head. “No. But don’t worry. I’ll figure it out. I have money saved. The tour gave me a bonus up front for signing on.”

  “You know… Jordan is royally fucked now. Who is going to translate for him?”

  Effie actually cracked a smile at the old man’s crass words. Words, she figured, were said just to make her feel better. “I don’t know. I’m sure they’ll find someone. Lots of people know ASL out there.”

  “But none of them are you.” He grinned. “I could sabotage your replacement if you like.”

  “Oh, Ted, no. So many people depend on Jordan. They need to hear what he truly has to say. You need to help him figure out how to do that because I no longer can. It makes me feel better knowing that you’re here to watch over him and guide him. If someone else can help him, even if they are my replacement, then it would make my heart glad.”

  She didn’t have to worry about Jordan feeling something for someone else, the way she knew he felt about her. It was pretty obvious he didn’t even want to feel that much. Knowing it didn’t make her happy. There was a shred of her aching soul that wished there was someone for him, someone he could bring himself to love.

  No one deserves to be alone like he is.

  Her hand slipped away from the handle on her duffel bag. She flung herself into Ted’s open arms and let him hug her hard. His arms had a surprising strength for someone his age. She closed her eyes and did the one thing Jordan wouldn’t do; let herself feel everything at once.

  When she pulled away, she wasn’t surprised to see that they were both crying. “Tell Joran one thing for me, Ted?”

  “Of course, Missy, anything at all.”

  She took a deep breath. “Tell him that he’s not damaged.”

  Ted nodded solemnly. He didn’t brush away his tears and she didn’t brush away hers. She turned and when her fingers closed over the handle of her duffel, it was with the finality of an end of one thing and the start of another. She knew as she walked across the asphalt parking lot, that Jordan would be with her for the rest of her life. First loves were just like that.

  CHAPTER 19

  Jordan

  He knew he’d screwed up. His grandfather had told him to find himself. It was his last advice for Jordan. He felt like he’d truly known what his grandpa meant when he was with Effie. He’d found out more about himself in the past couple of weeks than he’d learned in a lifetime. He knew that if he could just open himself up, she’d help. She’d help him find what it was that he needed to.

  The previous two weeks had been the hardest of his life. He’d lost his grandfather and he’d lost Effie too. No, not lost her. Driven her away.

  Tell him he’s not damaged. Jordan had been tough his entire life. He’d never cried until he met Effie. When he’d found Ted at the bus after the show and he’d told him what Effie had said, he’d gone into his room and shut the door and bawled like a baby.

  He knew he should have dropped everything and gone after her then. As it was it had taken him two weeks after that, fourteen entire days, to realize what an idiot he was. He’d canceled his shows for the following week and flown to Wyoming.

  Now that he was here, at just past five in the morning, a ragged piece of paper with Effie’s address written down on it, he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to say.

  Sorry would be a good start.

  He slowly climbed out of the rental car and shut the door without a sound. His eyes remained fixed on the small bungalow with the white siding, black shingles and the red door. It was an ordinary looking house in a small town that was very much like every other small town. Towering trees lined the quiet street. Birds chirped overhead, occasionally swooping down to ho
p around on the manicured front lawns.

  An ancient minivan sat in the small asphalt driveway that ran past the house. The backyard was fenced in and there was no garage.

  It was far too early to ring the doorbell, but Jordan walked up the concrete sidewalk. He climbed the set of stairs and raised his hand. He should have waited until a decent time, but he couldn’t. I’ve waited far too long already…

  He knocked gently, hardly expecting an answer, so he was more than a little surprised when the door swung inwards a minute later, and Effie stood there. The second she saw him, her beautiful eyes went wide with surprise. Her full lips parted, and a gasp escaped.

  “Jordan,” she whispered.

  God, I love the sound of my name on her tongue.

  Hello, he signed. His eyes swept over her body and he realized she must be on her way to work. She had on a plain white shirt, black pants and runners. There was a hat in her hand with some kind of logo on it, but it was turned into her leg and he couldn’t read what it said.

  “I was just stepping out the door to head to work. What are you doing here?”

  Where do you work?

  “The bakery. It’s downtown. I walk there right now, while it’s nice, so I have to leave an hour before my shift starts at six.”

  That’s early. Could I be any lamer? She has to get going. Say it. Tell her. His hands felt like they were made of lead. They hung at his sides and it was a long minute before he could force them to make any kind of movement. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I made you leave and that I said what I did.

  Effie hesitated. She blinked hard, her lips clamping down into a thin, firm line. She gave a little shake of her head. “It doesn’t matter, Jordan. It’s done now. I don’t even know why you came here when you could have just sent a text or something.”

  He realized he’d said the wrong thing. It was so damn hard to express how he really felt, especially with just his hands. He watched, horrified, as she shoved past him, shutting the door tightly behind her. She didn’t hesitate to leave him there. She walked up the sidewalk to the street, turned right and continued right on walking.

  I can’t let her go again. I’d be a fool if I didn’t go after her.

  Jordan finally forced himself into action. He sprinted after Effie, the polished dress shoes he’d mistakenly worn pinching his toes and chaffing his heels with every single step he took. He wished he could call out her name, make her turn around, plead with her. He could do nothing. He had no voice, he had only his hands and his facial expression to rely on.

  She spun when she heard him approach, saving him from having to do anything so humiliating as tapping her on the shoulder.

  She stopped walking and her shoulders rose and fell as a long sigh escaped her alluring mouth. Her hands moved to her hips, hat still in hand. Her eyes held a challenge. “Why are you here, Jordan? Really? Hurry up and say what you have to say because we both know you have shows to do.”

  I canceled the shows.

  “What? Are you serious?” Surprise registered on her face. She already knew that he chose to push forward no matter how hard it was.

  For the next week at any rate. I had to come. I’m not just sorry that I made you leave. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry, most of all, for myself. The way I acted. I should never have treated you like that. You were just trying to help.

  “You don’t get it, Jordan. That’s not why I left.” Effie’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “That’s not at all why I left. The stuff about the show could have been worked out.”

  I know why you really left. I screwed up. I don’t have any answers. I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not. Sometimes I still think I’m that kid who was told by everyone that he didn’t deserve anything good. That’s why I said I felt like a fraud. Because deep down, that’s who I still am. I’m afraid, Eff. With you, I felt like I could be something different. I felt like I could be someone I didn’t even know it was possible to be. There hasn’t been a single person who has truly wanted to know me. Until you. It scared the hell out of me. It still does.

  “So, you could have just said, slow down. You could have said that you were scared or that you needed more time or that you needed me to know that it wasn’t always going to be easy. You could have said any of those things and I would have listened. But you didn’t. You took the coward’s way out and told me to leave.”

  Her words cut him to the quick. He knew every single one of them was true. I know, he finally signed. I can’t say anything except that I was scared senseless. I was wrong and I’m sorry.

  “So why come here? Why come when you could have just texted like I said. You could even have asked Ted to call.”

  Emotion rushed up, hard and strong and he was actually glad right then that he couldn’t speak. He wouldn’t have trusted himself to get the words out, but his hands moved freely. Because when I’m with you, it’s like you said. I’m not damaged. I don’t feel broken. I feel like… like some string is pulling us together and wrapping us up. After you were gone, I felt more alone than I ever have before.

  “You did it to yourself.”

  Yes. I did. And I’m here now because I needed you to know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that’s corny and cliché, but it’s true. I feel like every single minute, every second that brought me here, brought me you. And as for needing more time, that’s true. We do. As for being scared, I am. I’m afraid that you’ll come back and I’m even more afraid that you never will. I was trying to protect myself and, in the process, I ruined my heart and I hurt you. I can never tell you how sorry I am…

  Effie’s hat fluttered to the ground. She stepped forward and gripped his hands, cutting off his ability to sign anything further. When she finally looked up at him, her beautiful sky-blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. There was pain there, but there was also hope and love. So much love. She was the first person on earth to look at him that way. To look at him like she was seeing right through him, straight to his soul.

  “I don’t want to be in and out of feelings or in and out of jobs. I told my parents that I left the tour because I was homesick, and they were so disappointed. I also told them that I’m going to apply for college in the fall. I want to be a social worker. I want to make a difference. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life until I met you, and now I know. I have you to thank for that.”

  She let her hands fall away from his so that he was able to speak to her once again. What you said up there, when you were purposely not translating for me, it was incredible. If that’s what you want to do with your life, I know you would be the best at it. Everything you said to me after as well, it was very insightful and very true. Your words have run through my head a thousand times since you left.

  She swallowed hard. Her eyes flew from his hands to his face and never left. “It is what I want to do. I am going to apply, but I want to do most of the courses online. That way I could work from anywhere.”

  He finally realized what she was trying to tell him. She needed him to ask, not because she was too proud to fill in the gaps for him, but because he needed to tell her that he wanted her more than anything on earth.

  You once told me that I need you and that’s why you were there. It’s true. I do need you. I need you more than anything or anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me because we really just met, but it feels right. It feels true in a way that nothing else ever has and I need to trust that. I want you to come back, Effie. It isn’t right without you. I’m not right without you. I blamed other people, the entire world really, for the things that happened to me. I knew it was my fault as well, but this was entirely my fault. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I would be honored if you came back to the tour.

  Effie blinked away tears and rolled her eyes. A fragile, watery smile turned her lips up. “What about back to you? Would you try and make it work or would you tell me to leave every time I got too close? It’s truly only you who can decide if you’re going to be broken
or let yourself be damaged. That’s what I meant when I told Ted to tell you…”

  You’re right. I’ve always known it. I want to make it and I want it to be with you. I want to try. No, I want to do so much more than just try. If you give me a second chance, I swear that I’ll never push you away again. I’ll never hurt you like I did.

  “But how can we know? It’s only been a couple weeks.”

  I know what I know now, and I know that if I was too scared to take a chance and work towards this with you, I would spend a very long time regretting it.

  “So that’s how we’d know. Just take it step by step, one day at a time?”

  Yes. I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life and I guess I sort of am. We’ll set our minds to our story. The story we want to write together. It’s amazing how my entire perception has changed. I realized that it doesn’t take years to change your life. It can all change in one single moment. Also, Ted asks me every single day when I’m going to man up and go and get you back.

  Effie laughed softly. The sound was musical and lyrical and trickled down the block. She was brighter than the early morning sun, a shining star in the midst of his darkness. He hadn’t realized just how black and cold his life was until he got near the warmth of her light. “No shutting down this time? No shutting me out? No using every single excuse not to feel? If I come back, I’m coming back for good. That’s what we have to work towards. There being an us, every single day.”

  Yes. An us. I promise. No shutting down. No shutting you out. No trying to protect myself. I know I can’t keep myself safe from this. You’re already there, inside of me. You always were. He waited, the silence stretching on between them, his heart pounding in fear that she would say no. So, will you come back, Effie? Will you take a chance on me?

  She slowly shook her head. “No, I’ll take a chance on us. No one ever has it made. No one has all the answers. We’ll work on it together, one day at a time. I won’t give up if you promise not to.”