Resilient

by Patricia Vanasse

  “Oh. I don’t know why I thought that.” A strange relief washes over me. “Sorry!”

  “I guess we do hang out together a lot, and that could give the wrong impression.” She shrugs and grabs me by the hand. “Come on! Let’s get you something to drink and then I’ll take you to meet Matt.”

  She hauls me through the crowd and I do my best to ignore all the emotions, but it’s hard to control and it feels like a ton of voices are screaming in my mind. I’m getting claustrophobic, and I feel pain starting to pulse in the back of my head. I stumble after Brianna.

  We walk into the kitchen and I grab a bottle of water sitting on the countertop. I take the lid off, tilting it onto my lips and letting the water flow down my throat—it makes me feel better, as if the room is not so cramped anymore and the noise is subsiding; for now, anyway.

  I put the bottle down and I take a look around. Brianna and the guy across the countertop are studying me. “I guess you were thirsty huh?” she says and I nod, a little flustered.

  “Want more?” The guy hands me another bottle.

  He stands at the other side of the bar; there are bottles of liquor spread across the counter, which is blocked off to everyone but him.

  “Don’t you want something other than water?” Brianna asks. “Michael here can make pretty much anything.” She gives Michael her cup and bats her long eyelashes. “Refill, please!”

  Looking at her up close, I see that she is very pretty. Long, curly blond hair, light brown eyes, and a slim body. “So what’s it gonna be?” she says.

  “I’ll stick with water, thanks.” The last thing I need is alcohol in my system. I’m already feeling dizzy with everyone’s emotions invading my mind.

  “Don’t you want to try my mimosa and see if you like?” Brianna offers me her cup. I bring it close to my nose and it smells fruity and citric. It actually makes me want to taste it, but I hand it back to her with a face of unchecked disgust. I can’t take any risk of the alcohol acting like a megaphone to the already harsh roar. What if it gets out of control?

  I look around again, but I don’t see Kyle. I wanted to talk. “Do you know Kyle?” I ask Brianna. “I want to say hi.”

  “I sure do. I know where you can find him. He is usually playing pool with Matt in the media room. I can take you to him if you like.” I nod as I take another sip of my water, and she gestures for me to follow her.

  We walk outside and the loud music becomes a background noise. I take a deep breath, and I’m glad for the fresh air. There are a lot less people here, but their emotions are still whispering in my ears, waiting for me to crack open so they can take hold of me again.

  I follow Brianna into a separate building, connected to the back of the main house. As soon as we walk in, I see Adam resting his foot against the wall, talking to a pretty blond girl. They are laughing about something. I can’t distinguish her feelings among the other ones in here, but just by the way she is looking at him, I would say desire is what she’s exuding. She is all over him.

  He looks in my direction and our eyes lock. I’m the one to look away, and I spot Kyle at the pool table.

  “I told you he would be here,” Brianna says, walking in their direction. “Kyle and Matt are addicted to pool. Sometimes they bet money, but Kyle usually wins. Matt!” She calls out. “Come here, I want you to meet someone.”

  I see a tall, slender, dark-haired guy walking in our direction. “Hey, babe!” He says. “Where have you been? “ He gets closer and kisses her.

  “Livia, this is my boyfriend, Matt.”

  Matt looks at me and his eyes widen. “Welcome to Whidbey!” He steps in close and embraces me.

  “Nice meeting you, too!” I tell him and he turns to hug Brianna.

  “Glad you made it,” Kyle says as he approaches us. “Did you have trouble finding the place? It’s a little hidden from the road.”

  “I came with Adam,” I tell him. His emotions reel from happy and relaxed to resentment in a split second, and I see his body stiffen. The shift of his emotions is so intense that I feel the need to explain, and fast. “He just gave me a ride so I wouldn’t drive by myself. Our parents had dinner together, so it sort of just worked out that way.”

  “Good,” he says, blatantly lying. One thing I’ve learned during all these years is when people are lying. “I’m almost done with the game here. I want to take you to meet some of my friends when I’m done, if that’s okay with you.”

  He looks at me and I’m almost tempted to turn him down. There’s a sort of resentment within him, a sadness that I don’t understand.

  “Sure,” I say despite my discomfort. “I’m going to grab a drink and I’ll be back.”

  “I’ll see you soon.” He walks back to his game and I turn to leave.

  “Wait up!” It’s Brianna shouting at me. “I’m going with you.”

  We walk back to the bar, stopping a couple of times to meet some of Brianna’s girlfriends. “Look to your right,” she says. I see Adam and that same girl from before. “That’s Lindsay, Adam and Kyle’s ex-girlfriend.”

  I look at her, confused. “What do you mean? They shared the same girl?”

  “No!” She laughs. “She dated Adam first, then he got sick and tired of her trying to control his life, and he broke up with her. She wanted to make him jealous and hooked up with Kyle. I guess he just couldn’t resist her.” Brianna shakes her head in disapproval. “Adam and Kyle were best friends, but Lindsay messed that up.”

  “If Adam didn’t like her anymore, why did he care about her and Kyle dating?”

  “He didn’t care for her, and he wasn’t jealous, but he was upset with Kyle. He felt betrayed. Everyone knows not to mess around with a friend’s ex.” Brianna is matter-of-fact. “Lindsay doesn’t give up, and she throws herself on Adam every time she sees him.”

  Brianna looks at the scene one last time, irritated, and then grabs my hand. I glance back at Adam, and the sight of him laughing makes me wish I was the one making him laugh. I shake my head—I don’t know where that came from, I don’t even like him. He’s rude, but that could just be me. Brianna sure likes him; I can feel it when she talks about him. He must be a good friend to her.

  I grab another bottle of water, and I feel Michael’s eyes on me as I turn to leave. Brianna and I find her friends dancing in the living room. There is a DJ playing everything from pop to alternative. Brianna drags me onto the dance floor where her friends are. I hold the bottle tight in my hands, almost wishing I could splash it on my face.

  “Michael is checking you out!” She says. “I think he’s hot, but he’s always getting in trouble.”

  I glance at Michael and he’s watching us. “I’m not interested in trouble!” I tell her.

  Brianna and I dance among her friends, and I’m beginning to do a good job at keeping people’s emotions away from me. But I can feel my mind starting to get tired. I constantly take a sip of my water to stay the effects that are bound to come, but just as I’m about to loosen up and get lost in dancing, a heavy pair of hands twines around my waist, startling me. I whip my head around—Kyle.

  “Hey, you didn’t come back, so I came looking for you.”

  “I lost track of time.”

  “No problem!” His emotions are more stable now and his frustration has subsided. I turn around to face him and I see Adam leaning on the kitchen counter, looking at us, or perhaps, looking at me. I can’t read his expression but his eyes look icy, and I wonder if the hostility is intended for Kyle or me.

  I ignore Adam’s stares and dance with Kyle, who pulls me closer to him, moving our bodies together with the rhythm of the song. I haven’t been out dancing in so long, I feel a little rusty, but Kyle’s moves keep me on track. Matt and Brianna come over to dance with us. I find myself smiling back at them, and I’m starting to feel glad that I came.

  After a couple of songs, Kyle lets go of me. “Do you want something to drink? I’m thirsty!”

  I show him my bottle of wa
ter and notice it’s empty. “Sure. I’ll take a Coke and I’ll meet you outside. I need some air.”

  When Kyle leaves, I look to where I last saw Adam, but he’s gone.

  I push my way through the crowd gathered in the living room and I feel goosebumps rising along my skin. I’m losing control of my filter. My mind is tired and it’s taking it out on my body. I try to walk faster, but people are starting to loosen up on the dance floor, leaving little space to walk through.

  When I finally make it into the restroom, I fight the urge to wash my face. That always makes me feel better, but right now, I’m so tired from all the effort I’m using to keep people out that I just rest my head on the mirror. Finally, I take a couple deep breaths and take a couple of gulps from the faucet.

  As I walk into the living room, someone bumps into me and my back hits the wall. Lindsay is standing in front of me.

  “Oops, sorry!” She snarls. Disdain mixed with anger is radiating from her, twisting in my stomach and building up an anger of my own. A smile surfaces on her face, but it’s not from happiness.

  “Pay attention ‘because I’m only going to say this once,” she warns. “Stay away from Adam. He is mine.”

  “He’s a big boy; he can do what he wants.” I return her fake smile. She stares me down, but she can’t find her words.

  I turn to leave, her gaze burning on my back. She has broken any self-control I had, and now my head is starting to hurt again. I’m getting nauseous. I need to get out of this place.

  When I get outside, I sit down on a metal bench, cupping my face with my hands. I try to shove Lindsay and everyone else out of my head—rage is boiling inside of me, anxiety is roiling in my stomach, sadness brings tear to my eyes, and happiness makes my lips twitch. I don’t even know which emotions are my own. I just know I’m tired and I can’t do this anymore.

  I close my eyes and I try to regain control of myself, only to find no strength. I may have had enough for tonight.

  “Livia?” Adam’s voice startles me as he sits down next to me. “Is everything okay?”

  “I don’t feel very good.” My voice comes out cracked, and I feel his hand holding my arm and helping me up to my feet.

  “Let’s go. I’ll take you home. Too much to drink sucks.”

  I shrug his hand off me. “I’m not drunk.” I say stumbling.

  Adam slides a hand around my waist, trying to hold me steady. I hold his shoulders for support and he looks into my eyes, our faces only inches apart.

  “Hey Livia! Are you all right?” Kyle steps outside from the pool room.

  “Uh, yeah,” I say, and I watch as Adam and Kyle exchange looks.

  “I’m going to take her home; she’s not feeling good.” Adam tells him, his hand tightening on my arm.

  “Whatever you say,” Kyle says and turns to go, but he stops and walks back to us.

  “Can I talk to you before you go?” He glances at Adam. “Alone.”

  “Kyle, you talk to her later,” Adam presses. “She’s not feeling well. Let me get her home.”

  “Mind your own business,” Kyle retorts. I can feel his annoyance growing, and I don’t want to be caught in the middle of a fight.

  “I’m sorry Kyle, but can we talk later?” I say. “I really don’t feel good right now.”

  Kyle presses his lips together. I look at Adam and, he’s got a confused expression on his face. He holds my hand and pulls me up behind him. At the same time, Brianna and Matt walk out to us.

  “What’s up”? Matt asks. He looks as apprehensive as I am.

  “It’s okay,” Adam tells him. “We were just leaving.”

  Brianna comes from behind Kyle and pulls him away by his shirt, and Matt puts his arms over Kyle’s shoulders in hope to keep him from rushing Adam, I can only assume. Adam watches Kyle before walking away. At that moment, I notice Kyle’s anger diminishing, almost gone. Just like that, for no apparent reason.

  Kyle stumbles off, mumbling what sounds like, “Don’t mess with my mood, bro.”

  I look at Adam confused. “What just happened?”

  “Let’s get out of here.” Still holding my hand, he starts walking to the Jeep. “You don’t have to go home because of me.” I say, pulling my hand out of his grip. He stops to consider me.

  “Who said we’re going home?” He starts for the Jeep again.

  “Where are we going, then?” I draw up alongside him. He smiles, and warmth brews inside of me.

  “You’ll see. Just trust me.”

  We get in his Jeep and leave the party. I take a deep breath and let go of my filter, finally being able to feel nothing but my own self, which is anxiety balanced at the top my stomach—I look at Adam and wonder why he’s having this effect on me.

  “Did you have fun?” He asks, looking out of the window as if he doesn’t care to hear my answer.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  He looks at me now, his eyes widening in curiosity. “Sure.”

  “Did you want me to pretend to be your date because you wanted to make Kyle jealous as payback for hooking up with your ex?”

  That question has been clogging my mind since I learned what happened between the two of them. I just didn’t give it much attention until now.

  For a moment, Adam’s lost for words. “Wow,” he eventually blusters. “Brianna doesn’t waste time.” He shakes his head. “No, of course not.”

  “I’m not sure I believe you.”

  He studies my reaction. “Then don’t, but I’m telling the truth.”

  We are quiet all the way to Fort Ebey State Park. I read the sign as Adam pulls his car into the parking lot. “Not supposed to be here after dusk…” I mutter.

  “It’s beautiful at night when the sky is clear and it’s a full moon, like tonight,” he says, getting out of the Jeep. “Forget the stupid sign.”

  I look up to see the moon. He is right; it is a full moon. I didn’t even notice it. I hesitate for a moment before stepping out of the truck. Adam holds the door handle at the same time I try to pull it open.

  “I thought I would have to carry you out,” he says, opening the door for me.

  “You might if you expect me to walk up that hill with these shoes,” I say, squinting at the rough trail ahead of us.

  “C’mon. We just need to get to the top of that hill. Then you can sit down.” He grins at me and I sigh, but I follow him all the way to the top. The trail is uneven, and I hold Adam’s arm for steadiness—pretty convenient for him, I think brazenly.

  “Look to your left,” he guides, “but be careful. It’s really steep. Beyond this point is a hundred-and-eighty-foot drop.” Upon reaching the top, he settles himself down on the grass and pats the spot next to him.

  The moon is almost golden, and reflects on the water. “It’s beautiful!” I say as I sit down next to him, taking my sandals off and letting my bare feet slide over the soft grass. The view is stunning: the moonlight so intense and the bay so calm, it’s like the most brilliant mirror image. I draw in the smell of saltwater and I can hear tiny waves lapping against the rocks below, making a melody of their own.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many stars before,” I add. I have to admit, I’m glad that Adam brought me here.

  “Yeah, we don’t have city lights. This is one of the perks of living in a small town.” He’s looking at me and not the stars. “Imagine this place on a bright, sunny day.” He lies down with his hands behind his head. “The Olympic Mountains are all around, and sometimes you can get a glimpse of Mt. Rainier, if you’re lucky.”

  “I can imagine.” I lie down next to him, close enough for our arms to touch.

  We don’t talk for a while, and I don’t feel the need to talk, or to hear him talking. It feels wonderful, the silence. The only time I’m not sensing someone is when I’m alone. It’s good to be next to him sensing only myself. I’m at peace, yet not alone.

  I turn my head to look at Adam. He has his eyes closed and his legs drawn up. His
face is beautiful, and even more so in the full moonlight. It brightens his features and emphasizes his strong jaw line. He has perfectly drawn lips, which look almost inviting right now. I wonder how it would feel like to kiss him.

  I’ve only kissed two boys. One was John—I was fourteen years old and neither one of us had ever kissed before, so, we decided to try it on each other. It was a disaster. We didn’t know what to do. The worst part was that I could feel all of his fear and frustration while he was kissing me. I knew it wasn’t pleasant for him but I didn’t care; it wasn’t for me either.

  The second time was behind the bleachers at a school dance. Mike Carter a boy a year older than me who was as desirable as he was sweet. That time would have been good if not for knowing exactly what he was feeling. The sensation was too strange. With Adam, it would be different. I wouldn’t have to know. I could enjoy myself.

  He opens his eyes and sees me ogling.

  Embarrassed, I turn my attention back to the sky. “I thought you had fallen asleep.”

  “And then you’d take advantage of me.”

  “No! I was just…” I trail off, not knowing what to say. “Can we go? It’s getting late.”

  “We just got here!” He smiles in amusement. “How about we play a game?”

  “What game?”

  “I ask you a question, you answer, and then you ask me one. It’s a good way to get to know each other.” He turns his body to the right so he’s facing me. “Before you decide I’m the worse person ever, you should know the facts.”

  “As long as you tell the truth.”

  “You have my word.” I laugh despite myself as he asks, “If you had to choose between day and night, which would you pick?”

  I frown for a second, thinking. “Day,” I say “Wrestling or football?”

  “Wrestling for sure,” he answers. “Favorite cartoon character?”

  “Ha! Definitely Daria; I feel like we have something in common.” I chuckle while Adam’s eyebrows scrunch together. I guess he’s having a hard time finding the similarities. “Yours?”