Birthing Balls

by Long, Andie M.

  “Cam. I have a proposal for you.” I say.

  “Oh yeah?”

  It’s Kid Zone’s second birthday next month. I wondered if we could do a fundraiser for BabyLove? It’s a charity that helps those whose pregnancies, for whatever reason, haven’t gone as planned. You know maybe the baby was premature or born with a disability.

  “That sounds amazing.” Cam says.

  “I’ll sort out all the fundraising side of things, if you just arrange the day.”

  “Not a problem. We can have a bake sale for a start. Perhaps get a celebrity to appear?” She looks at me. “Last year’s worked out okay in the end.”

  Last year Dora had asked a golfer to appear and Trey’s father, Leo, had walked in the door. Yes it had worked out in the end but goodness there had been a rollercoaster ride of emotions to get there.

  “Just promise you won’t let your mum organise it.”

  “I heard that.” Said Dora. “If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have Leo back or that baby on the way.”

  “Yes, Dora. I’m very grateful, really.”

  “Oh, god, I’m flipping sick of heartburn.” Lindsay goes in her bag. “Oh crap, I’ve not brought my Gaviscon.”

  “Here you go, love. Have some of mine.” Dora goes in her bag and gets a bottle out. “I can’t go anywhere without it now. I’m going back to the doctors, they’re going to put me on some long term medication for mine. At least yours will disappear when the baby comes, and look, look how my stomach has bloated up. It’s hateful. Makes me feel miserable.”

  Dora and Lindsay get into a conversation about heartburn and bloated bellies.

  “Have you had any heartburn?” Cam asks me.

  “Erm, no, nothing.” I say and note the burning gaze from the two Gaviscon addicts at the table.

  “You’re so lucky,” says Lindsay. “I bet you have the baby in like half an hour and mine takes four days to come out.”

  “Well, they say second children are usually faster, but I was seventeen hours with Trey.”

  “Seventeen hours? Of like contractions and pain and shit?” Says Lindsay. “How does anyone ever decide to repeat it?”

  “You forget as time passes.” I say at the same time as Dora says. “Can’t resist the penis.”

  “Thought you might have asked your gran and auntie if they wanted to come tonight?” I ask Cam.

  She fixes me with a wide eyed look and turns to her mother, but Dora is ogling a table of men in their twenties who have just taken their seats.

  “Mum is really annoyed because my auntie has fixed her wedding for the week before mine.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t care less. As long as it's not on the same day, but mum says my auntie has done it on purpose to try to overshadow her celebration.”

  “Hers?”

  “Yep, it’s my mother’s wedding now you know.”

  We roll our eyes.

  “Is it going to become a project?”

  “Oh no, I’m going to have to keep a tight rein on mummy dearest as I think it’s going to become a competition and we know how she gets with those.”

  We mock shiver.

  “Oh, Cam. I have your back.”

  “It’s not my wedding I’m afraid for,” she says. “It’s what she might do to Miranda’s.”

  “Oh well, plenty of time for it all to smooth over yet,” I say and pat my friend’s hand.

  “Yes, hopefully her new grandchild will distract her.” Cam says.

  Lindsay mimes hanging herself and we fall about laughing.

  Dora has no clue, she’s still ogling the other men.

  Chapter Six

  Sunday 2 July 2017

  Dora

  I’m feeling a bit down to be honest. There was a time during Cam’s birthday dinner where I saw I was a bit of an embarrassment. I’ve always just been me, but maybe at forty-seven, Cam and Ty need a more sensible mum? To distract myself from my feelings of gloom, I open up Facebook and there he is again messaging me - Derek. I’ve blocked him several times, but he makes another profile and sends me yet another message. It comes up as a message request and I always accept it, read it, take a snapshot and then block him. I will have to report him to the police if he doesn’t stop, but I’m scared he will come after Tim for GBH after Tim punched him.

  The messages are leering and obnoxious, just like him. It’s not helping my mood. Facebook is supposed to distract me from life, not to have more problems thrust in my face. Usually, I’d comfort eat with some chocolate or have a nice cuppa or a coffee, but that just sends my heartburn mad. I need to face facts. I’m getting old.

  Seeking comfort and reassurance, I strip off my clothes and slide in next to Tim who’s having a lie in. I cuddle up to his naked body (he always sleeps in the nude whereas I like my pyjamas). He makes a grumbling noise that I’ve disturbed him and then just ignores me. A naked, quite fit, warm female body at the side of him and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. I stay there for a few minutes thinking about how I fit like a glove to his body and then I move my leg a little reminding him I’m there. Nothing. I turn over, climb out of bed and get dressed, feeling more dejected than ever.

  I’m just a boring middle-aged woman now. Approaching menopause and falling generally to bits. Might as well let my hair grow grey, not bother with the gym, and generally think fuck it. I open my laptop and look through the self-help section seeing if there’s anything there that can motivate me into getting my groove back, but I can’t find anything relevant. Time to put yourself out to pasture Dora and let the young ones have their time on stage.

  I go online and cancel both my gym membership and my upcoming hair appointment. Instead I make the appointment I’ve been putting off at the doctors to get my medication for the acid reflux that won’t go away.

  Tim doesn’t look in any rush to go out for Sunday lunch today so I decide we’ll forget that and I’ll warm up a couple of pizzas later. I get a glass of milk that I hope will calm my oesophagus a bit and get the photo albums out from when Cam and Ty were babies. I tear up as I look at their cute little faces and I realise how much I’m looking forward to being a granny. Maybe I should do granny things like go to the bingo or start knitting?

  For the first time in forever I don’t seem to have a focus. Beth could manage without me at Kid Zone now she has use of the kitchen staff. The kids have their businesses under control and Lindsay has said she’ll keep an eye on Ty’s emails and become his PA as she’s fed up waiting for the baby.

  I apply online for the local bingo. There’s an afternoon session. Fuck it, I’m going.

  Monday 10 July 2017

  Cam

  There’s something wrong with my mum. She’s not interested in anything other than she keeps going to the bingo. But it’s not an obsession. There’s no sparkle to her eyes when she talks about it. In fact her eyes are dull. I’ve been talking to her about the party for the second anniversary of Kid Zone and she’s nodding and saying all the right things but she’s not my mum. My usual overenthusiastic, wanting to take over, centre of attention, mother.

  “Okay, what’s going on, Mum?” I ask her. She’s come to Kid Zone for her usual cuppa. She’s dressed in baggy jeans and a smock style tunic top, both in grey. Her hair is in a ponytail and doesn’t look like she’s paid too much attention to brushing it. She has no make-up on, her nails aren’t painted and there’s no slight fake tan. In fact she’s washed out and pale, and more than that. There’s no smile on her face.

  “There’s nothing going on, darling.” She says to me.

  “Bullshit, mother. You aren’t yourself at all.”

  She sighs. “I don’t know who myself is, Cam. To be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself right now.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Cam.” She puts a hand across mine. “I know I’m a bit of an embarrassment to you at times, and well, I’m calming it down. You’re settling down yourself, getting married and it’s your
time in the spotlight, babes. I’m going to just take my place now, as grandma and mother of the bride. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I spruce myself up for the wedding, but I’m just easing off a little. Accepting middle-age and my twilight years.”

  “Mother, you’re only forty-seven, not seventy-four.”

  She shakes her hand at me. “You try to look younger and all that happens is you attract middle-aged perverts. What’s the fucking point?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  And my mum breaks down in tears, something I haven’t seen for years, as she tells me about how Derek has been harassing her and how she has just simply had enough.

  I’m heartbroken. I’ve never seen my mum like this. She’s always strong, completely insane and well, my mum. To see her being vulnerable like this is a shock to the system, and it makes me face up to my own behaviour. Sometimes I have rolled my eyes and despaired at my mum. I never realised that it knocked her confidence and that half of what she puts on show is no doubt an act. It takes getting older yourself to realise these things. That parents are human and have their own foibles and because of that twat bastard my mum is feeling like she can’t be herself. I vow that I will sort him out. I know what my mum would have done had the boot been on the other foot, and its time for a little revenge. Later I’ll ring Beth. We’re a dream team at putting guys in their place and it’s time for action.

  “Mum. You need to be yourself and if that’s a blue fringed, Barbie tee-shirt wearing, forty-seven-year old, well you need to own it.” I tell her.

  She smiles at me, again it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m okay, love, honestly.” She lies.

  Saturday 15 July.

  Cam

  The bunting is up and Kid Zone’s second anniversary party is under way. We have the bake sale and some sponsored activities. I spoke to Beth this last week and also decided that we would do some renovations and make a sensory room for children where the party corner is. The parties can be held at the rear side of the building instead and we can block the back of the building off for the sensory room. We did a questionnaire amongst parents and the idea was a resounding success with parents saying there wasn’t anything like that in the area. It feels good to be giving back to the community. Both Beth and myself are successful businesswomen and we owe it to the community to put a little back. Once Beth is settled with baby number two we’re considering holding a monthly meeting to encourage any other women thinking of setting up their own businesses and offering advice too.

  My mum has turned up today in a V-necked cotton tee shirt and a pair of jogging bottoms. My dad pulled me to one side earlier and asked me what the hell he could do as she spent every night either going to bingo or watching the soaps on the television, something my mum has never done.

  “I think she’s depressed.” He told me.

  “No, Dad.” I reassure him. “I just think she’s a little lost and hopefully today will sort some of those issues out for her.”

  “Oh yes?” My dad asks.

  “Wait and see.” I wink. “Now I must see to the party, just bear in mind later, that all of this was for the greater good.”

  “You’re making me nervous, Cam, but seeing as you’re the most sensible of my offspring I shall keep calm and carry on.” I kiss his cheek. “Go and keep Leo distracted. Beth’s helping me with something.”

  I notice my brother is at the back of the room looking glum and I walk over to check in with him. What’s up with my family?

  “Ty. You okay?”

  “Yeah, glad to be here. No danger of being smacked in the head with a paperback.”

  “What?”

  “Linds is begging the baby to come early. She’s totally fed up and spending her days on the sofa looking like Buddha. She keeps picking up 600-800 page paperbacks saying that she bets she can’t get to the end of them before the baby will come. Of course she’s reading them at a rate of knots with her doing bugger all else and as she gets to the last page, she launches the book like a missile. I don’t think she’s trying to get me deliberately, but it’s Lindsay so you never know.”

  “You ever thought of marrying the girl to change her surname? See if it makes her less angry being a Turner.”

  “Think I’ll concentrate on surviving fatherhood first.” He tells me. “Now while I’m here, you need any help with anything, or shall I go sit with Dad?”

  “Actually, I could use your camera work,” I tell him and I fill him in on the plan.

  So I discovered that Derek was a plumber, and I made an appointment for him to come to Kid Zone at two, making up some crap about there being a leak on the radiator in my office. As soon as Beth spots him pull up in his van, she gives me the nod and I walk into my office and wait for Beth to bring him in.

  “Derek’s here, Cam.” She tells me as she shows him through.

  “Thanks, Beth.” I tell her.

  “Hello, gorgeous.” Derek says to me. “So you’re having a problem with wetness, hey?”

  “I am.” I say to him flirtily, while trying not to dry heave. “In fact, there’s no leak on my radiator at all, Derek. The moisture is all between my thighs.”

  Derek’s eyes almost pop out of his head. “What?”

  I stand and stare at him. “Are you sure it’s my mother you want?” I lift up my tee and flash him my bra. “Wouldn’t you rather have a younger model?”

  “Fucking hell, yes.” Derek replies, stroking the front of his trousers.

  “I’m going to freshen up in my bathroom. Take your clothes off.” I demand. I escape to the bathroom and text Beth and Ty. We don’t have a vast amount of time for what we’re about to do.

  I walk back out of the bathroom and try hard not to laugh at the middle-aged man in front of me who actually believes I could fancy him. He has a slight pot belly, and hairy legs and I don’t want to look at the dick hanging between them. When I do look it’s not a bad size to be fair and I wonder if that’s what gives him his swagger.

  Just in time a knock comes on the door.

  “Shit.” I put a panic-stricken voice on as Beth says. “Cam, you got a minute?”

  I run over to the fire exit. “Just go out there round the corner for a sec while I get rid of her.” I whisper-hiss.

  “I’ll go in the bathroom.”

  “No! She might go in there. Look, there’s a curtain that will hide you and no one goes around the back. It’s just all abandoned buildings around there.” I look at his cock. “And keep that hard for me, because when I let you back in there’s no time to lose.”

  I open the fire door and he slips outside. Quickly I turn the lock being as quiet as possible.

  Then I run and open the door to Beth. “Done.” I shout walking out into Kid Zone.

  Tyler runs back in holding up his phone. “Got it,” he says. “He didn’t see me.”

  “Right, let’s go.” I tell him, “before Mum or Dad notice we’re acting strangely.”

  We walk outside and around the back of the building to the rear of my office to find Derek. I have his clothes in my hand.

  He looks at me wide-eyed. “Give me my clothes back. What’s going on?” He looks from me to Tyler, who has his camera in his hand.

  “Derek. You’re a fucking idiot pervert and I’m going to give you a clue about yourself. You’re not fanciable, you’re pathetic and more than that, you’ve upset my mother. Now you need to move out of the area and we need to never hear from your sorry arse again, or these photos and the video we just took.” I point to Tyler, “are going to the police. A naked man hanging around a children’s play centre?”

  “You’ve no proof it was at the play centre. I was round the back so it could be any industrial estate.” He snarls.

  “The fire door says Kid Zone on it, mate, and there you are rubbing your dick outside it,” adds Tyler. “Plus, if you don’t move I’ve access to golf clubs and I’ll make sure you’re beaten up with them on a regular basis. You fucking leave my mum alone.”

  “Ok
ay, okay. I’ve been offered a job in Portsmouth, anyway. The further I am away from you nutjobs the better. You make me sick.”

  “Yeah, about that.” Tyler says, and he picks up a bucket from behind him. I’d been wondering what it was doing outside.

  Water flies across a naked Derek, complete with chunks of carrots and cake and the other evidence of just cleaned up vomit. “A kid ate too much of the bake sale.” Tyler adds.

  I throw Derek’s clothes at him and we walk away. When we get back inside, I thank Beth and I hug my brother. “Thanks, bro. No telling Dad, okay? Don’t want to threaten his masculinity. I’ll fill mum in but let Dad think it was his fisticuffs that saw Derek off.”

  “Agreed.” Tyler fist bumps me. “I’m gonna get back to Buddha, Cam. I’ve bought enough from the bake sale to keep her sweet for the rest of the evening.”

  Back in Kid Zone, Beth gives me another thumbs up as she looks out of the window. I pull my mum to one side.

  “Mum, I’ve taken care of Derek. I’m going to tell you everything later, but you will never see him again. Now, Mum, I’ve hated seeing you fed up. You know it’s perfectly normal for children to be embarrassed by their parents and you’re doing me a disservice currently by trying to be normal. I hate it. Now go and stand near Beth while I make my Kid Zone anniversary speech.

  Mum smiles at me, a hint of genuine warmth in her eyes. “He’s really gone?”

  “Yes, now go over there.” Doing as I ask she walks over to Beth.

  I take to the microphone set up at the back of the room.

  “If I could have your attention for a moment.” The room quietens down as much as it can do with young kids there. “Thank you so much for being here for what is already the second anniversary of Kid Zone. I can’t believe it’s been two years since the business opened. Once again I have to draw your attention to the fact that this is a team effort.” I name my staff one by one and they all receive a round of applause.