Camp Rewind

by O'Brien, Meghan

  Alice gasped when Rosa lunged over the counter and grabbed a handful of the man’s shirt, yanking him close to snarl into his face. “Get the fuck out of here before I report you for harassment. Don’t think I won’t.”

  As Rosa held the clearly startled lout in her grasp, his friend’s eyes shimmered with sudden, hazy recognition. “Holy fucking shit. Aren’t you that chick from the Internet?” When Rosa released the first man’s shirt, openly shaken by the accusation, his buddy’s mouth dropped open while simultaneously widening with glee. “The femi-nazi with that solo-masturbation video I used to jerk off to last year! Rose something-or-another.”

  It felt like the world was crumbling around them as Alice watched all the color drain from Rosa’s face. This was Rosa’s worst-case scenario come to life. The very idea that this could happen had nearly prevented her from getting past Camp Rewind’s front entrance two days ago, and now here she was, living out her nightmare with Alice here to witness every excruciating second. Though her heart thudded more violently than she’d realized was possible and her entire body quivered with adrenaline, all of Alice’s normal self-preservation instincts faded away, leaving behind only the urgent need to defend Rosa.

  In as steady and clear a voice as she could manage, Alice said, “My girlfriend’s name is Lila, we’ve been together since college, and she’s too shy to let me take pictures of her at the beach, let alone make naked videos.” Alice narrowed her eyes at the men and stepped in front of Rosa to block her from their view. At a loss about what to do next, she brightened when she spotted Sandy, the no-nonsense, crew-cut counselor who’d helped set them up at the refreshments booth, watching from a short distance away. Alice waved her over, eager to summon an authority figure onto the scene. Then, buoyed by her unexpected show of strength under pressure, she added, “I’m sure both of you paid the same exorbitant registration fee we did for the privilege of spending the weekend here. It would be a shame not to get your money’s worth because you just had to get drunk and run your mouths. I’ve already had the misfortune of seeing Marcia, the head counselor, get really pissed off. You don’t want to make the same mistake.”

  The guy who’d recognized Rosa continued to crane in an effort to look around Alice so he could see her face, but the other man elbowed him sharply when Sandy made her entrance. The imposing counselor put her hands on her narrow hips and stared down the two jerks. “Problem, gentlemen?”

  “No, sir,” snarked the man as he yanked his buddy away from the booth. “Just a misunderstanding.”

  “Fair enough. Keep your misunderstandings far away from these two for the rest of your stay. Got it?”

  “Yup.” Rosa’s “fan” leered at them over Sandy’s shoulder as he and his friend stumbled away. “Not her, my ass. I’d recognize that dimple on her cheek anywhere.”

  “Which cheek?” The friend guffawed.

  “At any rate, I got bored with that vid at least eight months ago. Didn’t get me hard anymore,” he said loudly enough for everyone to hear. “Though you’d better believe I’m watching it again when I get home. For confirmation.”

  Rosa wilted as soon as the men were far enough away that their voices no longer carried. Concerned for her, and shaken—yet still riding a wave of elation over the fact that she’d been able to rise to the occasion and protect her friend—Alice turned as Rosa gave Sandy a weary nod. “Thanks.”

  “If they bother either of you again, let me know and I’ll take care of it.” Sandy granted them each a gentle smile. “You two make a really cute couple. I want all the memories you take home from Camp Rewind to be happy ones.”

  Alice blushed at the realization that Sandy probably assumed they were in a real relationship. Before she could correct the mistake, Rosa said, “We appreciate that, truly.”

  Sandy lingered by the booth for another few minutes, and when it appeared that the bullies had indeed moved on, bid them good-bye with an apologetic nod. “I need to go make my rounds, ladies. Make sure nobody’s fallen where they can’t get up or puked anywhere someone might step in it.”

  Alice wrinkled her nose while Rosa summed up her unspoken disgust. “Drunk field day is gross.”

  Sandy smiled sympathetically. “It sure can be.” She waved as she wandered away to search for a situation in need of her expertise. “Stay out of trouble, you two. One more hour and I’ll let you go a little early, okay?”

  Alice sighed as gratitude swept over her. “I can’t wait.” Taking advantage of their relative privacy, she caught Rosa’s hand and laced their fingers together like they really had been doing this for years. “You all right?”

  Rosa looked down at the ground. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. But…it meant a lot that you said what you did.”

  “I’m sorry you had to deal with it.” Alice squeezed Rosa’s hand mildly. “Those guys sucked, but I survived. How about you?”

  With a listless shrug, Rosa mumbled, “I’ve been better.”

  Worried about Rosa’s state of mind, Alice decided that a change of scenery was in order. That, and social isolation. Kissing, too. Intentionally brightening her tone, Alice said, “Want to take a walk into the woods after Sandy lets us go? I’m almost positive my bar for privacy has been lowered substantially since yesterday.”

  Rosa stunned her by tearing up, biting her lip, then finally pressing the back of Alice’s hand against her mouth. She exhaled shakily and closed her eyes. When she finally spoke, it sounded as though the effort caused her physical pain. “Alice…” Alice dreaded what she would hear once Rosa managed to utter the rest of what she had to say, certain that nothing capable of putting that much sadness into her soulful brown eyes could possibly feel good to hear.

  She was right—it didn’t feel good, at all, when Rosa suddenly delivered both a perfect cliché and the kiss of death in four succinct words. “We need to talk.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Unfortunately, they couldn’t really talk until after Sandy had released them from duty. Rosa knew that even before she blurted out the dreaded phrase, but the large, laughing group of men and women who stumbled up to their booth while the statement still hung in the air—while Alice stood there, mouth agape, undoubtedly struggling to parse its meaning—made it excruciatingly obvious that she’d chosen the most inopportune moment possible to drop that kind of bomb. Avoiding Alice’s gaze, Rosa silently poured cups of water for the crowd. After a beat, Alice joined her. When their steady stream of customers finally thinned out, then vanished altogether, Rosa spent an awkward minute tidying up without speaking. She was afraid to return to the topic she’d foolishly introduced too soon.

  Finally, Alice broke the silence. “That sounded ominous.”

  Rosa tried not to wince. She really shouldn’t have said anything until they were alone. Then again, she’d been worried all afternoon that once they were, she’d simply lose the nerve to initiate the difficult conversation they needed to have. As much as she wanted to let go of all her hang-ups and enjoy one last day with Alice—maybe even sneak off and fuck her again—after the morning they’d had, Rosa couldn’t help but feel like the most selfish asshole in the world for even considering the idea. It was clear that she meant a great deal to Alice and, with each passing minute, increasingly apparent that Alice would be more than happy to see their fling extend beyond the weekend. Despite the obvious caution she’d shown with her words, Alice had hinted at her desire for an impossible future in a dozen subtle ways. Unfortunately, even Rosa had slipped a couple times, dropping casual comments as though they might actually have a shared “after camp” to look forward to.

  Stupid. She’d been so stupid.

  It had to stop. Now.

  Unable to look Alice in the face, Rosa said, “I know.”

  When Alice spoke again, her voice sounded thick. “Have I done something wrong?”

  “No, Alice.” Chest burning, Rosa poured water into a handful of cups she’d arranged in a circle, almost wishing for more campers to interru
pt them. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I promise.” She swallowed thickly, hating herself for what she was about to say. “It’s me.” Another cliché.

  “Is this because Marcia caught us?” Alice sounded so sad, so beseeching. “Or because of what that jerk just said to you?” After a beat, she touched Rosa’s shoulder. Tenderly, she said, “You know that doesn’t matter to me, right?”

  Rosa shrugged away without thinking, too ashamed to accept her kindness. She didn’t turn around, not wanting to see the hurt she knew must be etched across Alice’s beautiful face. “I know, but it matters to me.”

  “So…” Even without looking, Rosa could hear exactly how much pain she’d inflicted. Alice whispered, “You don’t want to hang out with me anymore?”

  Closing her eyes, Rosa pulled back from the situation and, in a moment of sickening clarity, viscerally understood exactly how callous she must seem. She’d taken Alice’s lesbian virginity not much more than thirteen hours ago, becoming only the second person her new friend had ever slept with. Now, the very next afternoon, she was fumbling her way through a half-assed breakup speech—a full day before their time together would have reached its natural end. She’d never intended to cut Alice loose before the end of camp, but then again, she hadn’t realized how being with Alice would make her feel. How frightening it would all become, and how fast. Nor had she allowed herself to appreciate how Alice would almost certainly feel after such a formative experience as the one they’d shared in that boathouse. Not until too late.

  She was a real piece of shit. Even more justification for keeping Alice away from her messy, painful, chaotic existence.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with you.” Rosa knew she owed Alice an explanation, yet she wasn’t entirely sure how to present her reasoning in a way that wouldn’t trigger an argument or, alternately, make her seem like a calculating asshole who’d simply used Alice for sex. “I love spending time with you, Alice. But that’s the problem. I’m pretty sure I love it too much, and I think maybe so do you. And I…I told you I was just looking for a friend here at camp. Some casual fun for a few days, nothing more.”

  Another trio of women approached the booth seeking water, interrupting her stilted speech. Rosa pushed already-filled cups into their hands, glad when they scooped them up and scampered off to watch whatever activity currently had the crowd roaring. No longer able to stand not knowing how Alice was reacting to her shittiness, Rosa turned to face her.

  Alice’s eyes swam with tears. “We can’t hang out today because we like each other too much?”

  Rosa couldn’t imagine feeling any lower. “When I signed up for camp, I never expected to meet someone like you. My goal for this weekend was to maybe have a no-strings-attached fling, if I could work up the nerve, but that was it. I mean…I wasn’t even going to tell whoever I hooked up with my real name. At this point in my life, with the way things have been—the way they are—even a casual hookup feels like a huge, scary step to take, but this thing with you…I know it’s more than a meaningless fling. For both of us.”

  Alice inhaled to speak but quieted when Sandy reappeared at their booth as though conjured by their shared distress. “Hello again, ladies.” She gestured to a tree about twenty feet behind her back, where the more sober of Rosa’s harassers stood with his arms folded over his chest. “Jason is going to relieve you of your duties a little earlier than planned. You’re free to go enjoy the rest of your afternoon.”

  Rosa couldn’t help but smile at the idea that justice, however minor, was being served. “Where’s his friend?”

  “In the main office speaking with Marcia.” Sandy smirked. “No doubt wishing he could sling cups of water instead.”

  “I warned him,” Alice mumbled. Then, louder, “Thanks, Sandy.”

  “Yes, thank you.” Rosa stepped out from behind the booth, grateful for the opportunity to continue their difficult talk in private. She felt a sick certainty this conversation would end with both of them in tears. “Good luck dealing with that asshole.”

  “I can handle him.” Sandy flexed her impressive arm muscles. “Go, have fun. Stay away from the boats!”

  Reddening at the playful admonishment, Alice nodded fervently. “We will.”

  They left in silence. Once they were well away from the field and the noise of the other campers, Alice picked up right where they’d left off. “So I’m more than just a meaningless fling?”

  Rosa gave Alice a sidelong glance. How honest should she be? If she confessed the true depth of her feelings—the fact that she was freaking out precisely because of how badly she wanted to keep seeing Alice after camp was over—it would only make what she had to do that much harder. Not wanting to lie, she tried to downplay her emotion. “I care about you deeply, Alice. I like you. I’m afraid that if we keep doing what we’ve been doing…” All they’d really done was enjoy the other’s company, no strings attached. She was simply assuming that tomorrow Alice would ask for more—and knew herself well enough to realize she would want the same. “I guess I don’t want saying good-bye to hurt any more than it already will. For both of us.”

  Alice held onto her upper arms, as though she’d caught a chill despite the eighty-five-degree summer weather. Her eyes had gone watery again, and despite the fact that her knuckles had turned white with the force of her grip on herself, Rosa could see she was trembling.

  Alice took a deep breath, then said, “But if we both like each other—if, maybe…we’re both developing real feelings—do we really have to say good-bye?”

  This was exactly what Rosa had feared would happen. Being candid about her feelings had been a calculated risk; she hadn’t wanted Alice to believe their entire friendship was a farce or that her only aim had been to get into an ostensibly straight woman’s panties, but her admission of real, albeit conflicted, emotion had clearly opened the door to a fantasy Rosa couldn’t possibly fulfill. “Yes,” Rosa said firmly. “Definitely, we have to say good-bye.”

  “Why?”

  Rosa exhaled in frustration. Hadn’t Alice been listening when she’d laid out her life story? Hadn’t she already lived a single hellish morning in Rosa’s world? “You know why.”

  “Because of the article?” Alice very tentatively slipped her hand into Rosa’s. This time Rosa didn’t pull away. “I told you, I don’t care about that. Any of it.”

  Rosa barked laughter, a harsh sound that echoed through the trees surrounding them. “That’s because you have no idea what it even means!” When Alice flinched, Rosa softened her tone. “Look, you admitted you’re not online much. You have no idea what it’s like to be ridiculed and shamed on a global scale. To have your family and friends be harassed because of you. Yes, the worst of it has died down by now, but you saw what happened back there with those guys. I probably still have at least one incident a week like that. Sometimes more. Some of them far worse.” She battled a wave of grief, depressed that a bunch of Internet trolls had effectively ruined her first chance in years to have a legitimately fulfilling relationship. “I can’t guarantee the whole controversy won’t get stirred up again, and again. On the Internet, information—including photos and video—is eternal. This whole situation…it’s something I’ll always live with.” She swallowed. “I can’t have you live with it, too.”

  “So…what? Your plan is to be alone for the rest of your life?” Alice sounded so heartsick that Rosa had to blink away the tears that suddenly clouded her vision. “Rosa, that’s tragic. Seriously, seriously awful.”

  Disturbed by Alice’s conclusion, Rosa frowned. “I didn’t say that.” She hesitated. “No, that’s not the plan.”

  “I see.” Alice bit her lip, loosening her hold on Rosa’s hand. “So you do think someone out there could potentially handle being with Rosa Salazar…just not me.”

  Pain flared behind Rosa’s temples, making it hard to think. “Alice—”

  “You never promised me a damn thing except a friend here at camp, with fun on
the side,” Alice said. “I do know that.”

  “Good.” Rosa cleared her throat, wishing that Alice’s concession actually made her feel better. “Listen, it’s only because I care so much that I don’t want to drag you into my bullshit. I’ve only recently started to put the pieces of my life back together. Right now, dating, even casually…would be hard. Too hard.”

  “For me?” Alice stared straight ahead at the ground some distance in front of them. “Or for you?”

  “Both.” Rosa lifted Alice’s hand to her mouth, kissing each knuckle in turn. “Sweetheart, I can’t watch you suffer because of me. I just can’t. So please, don’t ask me to.”

  It was Alice’s turn to laugh without humor. “What do you think you’re doing right now?” She dropped Rosa’s hand and stepped to the side, out of reach.

  A spark of anger flickered in Rosa’s chest. “You said it yourself. I never promised you anything. Even after last night…I promised you nothing beyond this weekend.”

  “You’re right, you didn’t.” Alice swiped the back of her hand over her eyes. “I guess I never imagined you’d drop me right after fucking me. Or abandon me before we could spend one final night together.”

  Rosa’s anger turned into nausea. “This isn’t about abandoning you.”

  “Maybe not, but that’s what it feels like.” Alice stopped walking not far from the edge of the main camp, right before they hit the thick of the surrounding redwood forest. She turned to face Rosa, arms folded over her breasts. “You know, I never asked to keep seeing you after camp until you brought it up. I never asked you for anything.” Her exasperation was plain to see. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t have tested the waters tomorrow when we were actually saying good-bye, but you could’ve just let me down easy then. Why do this now?” Her voice broke, and twin tears rolled down her cheeks. “When I can still feel you inside me?” She whispered the last two words.

  “Because I can’t keep going like this without saying anything. I already feel like enough of an asshole, so the last thing I want to do is string you along in any way.” Rosa’s teeth chattered briefly as she battled the urge to succumb to her sorrow and regret. “Alice, it’s obvious how much you care about me—so much that you’ll subject yourself to situations that terrify you, or even just make you uncomfortable, for my sake. As much as I appreciate that—God, as much as it staggers me that you think I’m worth any amount of discomfort—I can’t stand to see you deal with any of the shit I regularly endure. Not you. Now, or in the future.” She tensed her jaw and gathered her resolve. “All I can say is…I’m sorry. I was selfish, and…last night probably shouldn’t have happened. It was my mistake.”