Camp Rewind

by O'Brien, Meghan

  Alice nodded for a few seconds, worrying her trembling lower lip between her teeth, before she managed to speak. “So basically, you’re saying that my anxiety is the deal-breaker for you. Because I get awkward and scared and turn red on a regular basis…that’s what makes me unsuitable dating material. If not for that, who knows?” With a shrug, she smiled as the tears began to flow in earnest. “Well, I guess I can’t blame you.” She sniffled and turned away, using the hem of her T-shirt to dab at her face while Rosa tried not to steal a peek at the luscious bare stomach she’d just exposed. “You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  Rosa read the subtext of Alice’s tremulous statement. Nobody would want someone like me. Devastated to have caused Alice such a swift, heartbreaking descent from ecstasy to agony, Rosa pulled her into a cautious embrace. To her immense relief, Alice came willingly, allowing herself to be held while her arms hung stiffly at her sides. Rosa cradled the back of her head, memorizing the sensation of her silky hair and the warm body against hers. She expected this would be the last time she’d have the chance. “Alice, this really isn’t about you at all. I’m not suitable dating material. You deserve to be happy, not to live in fear of whatever humiliation lies around the next corner. Not to be pulled into a situation much bigger and so much worse than you have the context to properly imagine. I’m bad for you. Period.” She tightened her arms, pulling Alice as close to her chest as she could, savoring the heart beating against her own. “You’re an amazing person. Probably the most special woman I’ve ever met, truly. Certainly that I’ve ever kissed. I’d love nothing more than to take you out on a date next weekend and see where this goes. You have to understand that I’m saying good-bye now only because I care so much. Nobody in their right mind would willingly attach themselves to a life ruined by the Internet. Especially in the manner mine was.”

  Slowly, Alice’s hands came up to rest on Rosa’s back. “My therapist says that the worst thing for an anxious person to do is avoid the objects and situations that trigger their anxiety. That’s why I came to Camp Rewind. I don’t want to be too afraid to enjoy life. I challenge myself every day to overcome my fears because I want to be happier. The more I do the things that scare me, the easier it all becomes. That’s a lesson you helped reinforce for me this weekend.” She brushed her lips over Rosa’s jaw, hesitantly. “I may not seem like it, Rosa, but I’m a strong person. I had to be, to grow up with my mother. I could be strong for you, too.”

  Rosa felt Alice’s tears against her neck and struggled for a moment with the overwhelming urge to abandon her breakup plan. Maybe they could do this. Maybe Alice could handle her shit. She mumbled, “I know you’re strong.”

  Alice trailed a line of kisses up to Rosa’s ear and whispered, “Then trust me. Let me prove it.” She exhaled and sank a hand into Rosa’s thick hair, pressing their foreheads together. “Hang out with me some more.”

  Rosa surprised herself by weeping, the hot tears spilling from her eyes in an unending torrent of anger and despair. It would be so easy to say yes to Alice. She wanted to say yes. Blocking out the rest of the world was simple here at camp, and for the next twenty-four hours at least, she didn’t doubt that they’d have a blissful time together.

  But then what? Alice might think she could handle Rosa’s baggage, but she couldn’t. Luis hadn’t lasted three weeks before he’d bailed. Granted, Alice was a far superior human being than her most recent ex-boyfriend, but honestly, Rosa would bail on her own life if she could. There was a reason she’d once investigated the feasibility of assuming a new identity altogether. In the end, only the prospect of leaving her parents behind had stopped her. Even though she actively caused them pain on an ongoing basis, Rosa remained too selfish to cut herself out of her family’s lives entirely. What made Alice so scary was her ability to tempt Rosa to act just as selfishly with someone new, even if it would ultimately break both their hearts and harm Alice in the process.

  Hanging on to Alice so she couldn’t back out of her arms, Rosa said, “The magic of camp is that the experience is fleeting, and therefore better than reality. Who I am here at Camp Rewind—Lila Sanchez—she’s a lot more fun than Rosa Salazar will ever be. If we part now, you’ll always have these incredible memories of my best self to hold on to. If we attempt to keep this going…I don’t see a happy ending there, for either of us. Let’s not ruin what we’ve shared this weekend by trying and failing to take it into the real world. Please.”

  “My real world is one without friends, without a lover, where I have to pay for the privilege to talk to the only person I ever confide in.” Tension rippled through Alice’s frame, and rising frustration. “I’m willing to risk a few happy memories for even the slightest chance of finding real joy.” Her voice caught. “Especially since the memories we made together already taste bittersweet to me, after this.”

  Rosa released Alice and backed away. She had no counter-argument. Alice wasn’t wrong. Rosa simply…couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”

  “So that’s it?” Alice’s chin wobbled. “We can’t even spend one last day together?”

  How? With as much agony as this, Rosa couldn’t imagine ever touching Alice again. Not when she was so damn undeserving. “I’m sorry,” Rosa repeated, like a dumbass. She wished for something better to say, for some way to fix the mess she’d created.

  Alice’s face screwed up into an expression of pure grief, for just an instant, before she whirled around and rushed off. “Me, too.” Her poorly restrained sobs made the words come out funny, and even from ten feet away, Rosa could see Alice cringe at the sound of her own anguish. “Have a nice life, I guess.”

  Rosa’s heart felt like it had been snapped in two. She was doing the right thing, she was sure of it, so why did everything about what had just happened feel so wrong? Not wanting to separate on such shaky ground, she called out, “Alice…”

  Alice slowed, perhaps waiting for her to acknowledge that she’d been a fool, but when Rosa trailed off, unsure what to offer as a balm for her actions, Alice resumed her steadfast march back to the main camp. Without a word. Without looking back.

  Shattered, Rosa crumpled to the ground, dropped her face into her hands, and cried for both of them.

  *

  Rosa didn’t know how long she sat there on the forest floor with tears and snot running down her face, yanking on fistfuls of her stupid, short hair in a twisted version of penance for her stupid, selfish part in causing Alice so much pain. All she knew was that when the sound of a lively conversation reached her ears some time later, the act of clambering to her feet made her instantly aware that her entire body ached, as though she’d been sitting in place for hours. Her puffy eyes blurred and stung when she tried to dry them with her shirt. Self-conscious about being caught falling apart, Rosa scanned her immediate surroundings to locate the source of the voices, along with the best tree to hide behind.

  Identifying both within seconds of each other, she ducked behind the thick trunk of a nearby redwood and held her breath as a man and woman strolled by. She listened until their conversation about genealogical research, of all things, faded away, then closed her eyes and rested her head against the tree. What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

  No, she reminded herself. Dating you would be the biggest mistake of Alice’s life. That was the whole point.

  Her contrarian inner voice persisted. What life? According to her, she doesn’t have much of one for you to ruin.

  Rosa lifted her head off the trunk and let it fall, delivering a satisfyingly painful smack to the back of her skull. Then she dried her tears one more time and cleared her throat. She’d known from almost the beginning that leaving Alice would hurt, even if she hadn’t anticipated how mutual the feeling would become. Or how shitty she would feel about the way it all unfolded. Still, she’d done the right thing—or at the very least, what she’d spent all weekend convincing herself was right. She took a deep breath, then let it out. What now?

&
nbsp; It was difficult to imagine staying at Camp Rewind until checkout tomorrow afternoon. In fact, it seemed impossible to think about spending even one more night. With Alice in the bunk above hers? Either Rosa’s resolve would disappear or else they’d be in for the most awkward sleepover ever.

  Maybe Alice will leave.

  Rosa’s stomach turned over at the thought that she could be gone already. If Alice had walked straight from the scene of their breakup to the cabin to get her stuff, then directly to her car, she could have driven to the highway by now. Erased from her life in a flash, just like Rosa had claimed to want. Yet the very thought filled her with stark, miserable terror and keen regret so agonizing it nearly brought her to her knees again.

  Shit, she thought for the second time that day. What have I done?

  Chapter Fourteen

  After leaving Rosa in the woods, Alice went directly to the women’s cabin intending to pack her bag and get the hell away from Camp Rewind for good. She ran out of steam once she reached her bunk, stopping short at the sight of her travel blanket lying, still rumpled, atop Rosa’s mattress. It hadn’t been moved since she’d woken up yesterday morning to run off and hide, the pivotal incident that had no doubt caused Rosa to deduce, perhaps correctly, that Alice wasn’t skilled at handling the unexpected. For a woman whose life was defined by unexpected—and often painful or frightening—interactions with malevolent men, Alice’s skittishness would have served as a giant red flag: this chick isn’t ready for prime time.

  Not wanting to sit on Rosa’s bed, but no longer ready to leave, Alice steeled her nerves and then ascended the metal ladder to the top bunk she’d claimed by default. She climbed onto the mattress with exaggerated caution before peering down over the edge once she’d finally settled in. Despite her unease about the distance separating her from the hardwood floor, she celebrated a moment of silent triumph for once again conquering a fear. Regardless of what happened with Rosa, the weekend had been full of such minor victories, and she was proud of herself for each one.

  Alice had been lying there for only a few minutes before the cabin door opened and slammed shut. A familiar, hushed whisper caught her attention as the new arrivals made their way deeper into the room. “Give me five minutes. That’s all I need.”

  “Confident, aren’t we?” Enid giggled quietly. When they reached Bree’s lower bunk, one bed over, they climbed in together. “I’m more than happy to let you try.”

  The distinct rustle of clothing being shed launched Alice into a split-second decision to speak up. “Fair warning. You two aren’t alone.”

  Bree rolled off the mattress and stood up between their bunks, peering at Alice in concern. “Hey, girl. You all right?”

  Alice knew she couldn’t possibly look all right. Ignoring her upbringing, and the natural shame she felt about sharing her problems with others, she answered. “Not really.”

  Bree frowned. “Yeah, Lila didn’t seem all right, either.”

  Alice tried not to care. “You saw her?”

  “In passing.” Enid appeared at Bree’s side, brows drawn. “We wondered where you were.”

  “Oh.” Alice stared up at the ceiling and debated whether to say anything more. She really shouldn’t involve other people in her business. Then again, she didn’t want their mutual friends to think she’d broken Rosa’s heart. “She decided we shouldn’t hang out anymore. She doesn’t want to see me again after tomorrow and felt like any more time spent together would only make saying good-bye that much harder.” Her face screwed up as a fresh wave of pain rolled over her at the reminder of Rosa’s lame reasoning. “I don’t know. Whatever.”

  “Alice.” Bree’s tender recitation of her name did nothing to quell the tide of her resurgent tears. “Want me to beat some sense into her?”

  Alice laughed helplessly and hid her face behind her arms. “Tempting.”

  Enid stroked her calf with so much affection that Alice nearly fell apart entirely. “I’m sorry, honey. That’s rough.”

  “She could have at least waited until tomorrow,” Bree said. “I wouldn’t have expected Lila to be so heartless.”

  “That’s what I said.” Alice lowered her arms and looked at Bree and Enid. My friends. Warmed by their presence, she decided to see if talking through the pain would diminish it in any way. “Lila felt like she already cared about me too much, and she could tell how strongly I feel about her. She has…complications in her life that have absolutely convinced her that she’s no good for anyone. Particularly someone as shy and prone to anxiety as me. These complications are so…complicated…that she refuses to even consider maintaining a friendship, let alone go out on a real date. She doesn’t want me involved in her problems in any way, even though I keep telling her I don’t care and that I can handle it. If it means she stays in my life, I’d pretty much handle anything.”

  Bree grumbled under her breath, apparently affronted on Alice’s behalf, while Enid nodded thoughtfully and said, “So she’s trying to protect you from whatever’s going on in her life, as well as the possibility of experiencing additional heartache by getting more attached than both of you already are, before your inevitable split.”

  “That’s her argument.” Rising, Alice sat cross-legged on the top bunk. “I just want her to give me a chance to prove that I can handle her baggage. Only because she admitted she has real feelings for me. If I thought she didn’t also want to see where our friendship might eventually lead, I wouldn’t have pushed back even if I did think her timing was terrible. But she implied that in a perfect world, she’d take me out to dinner next weekend. If she hadn’t said that, I’d accept this like a big girl and walk away. Honestly. I would never impose myself where I’m not wanted.”

  Bree and Enid exchanged a look. “Based on how upset she seemed when we saw her, I don’t believe you’re unwanted,” Bree said. “Not for a second.” She glanced over her shoulder as though actively resisting the desire to storm out, find the source of Alice’s distress, and drag her back there to talk things through. “I understand being scared, but I really wish she’d treated you with more care.”

  Alice managed a weak chuckle as her sore eyes watered anew. “Me, too.”

  Enid laid her hand over Alice’s with a reassuring squeeze. “Give her a little time to regret what happened. Maybe she’ll rethink her opposition to involving you in her complicated life.”

  “Well, I say make a grand gesture. Show her that you’re more capable of dealing with shit than she realizes.” Bree shrugged, apparently unable to suggest what form such a gesture might take. “Or else do something so epically romantic that she has no choice but to take a chance on you.”

  Alice suddenly felt like she’d been dropped into the plot of a romantic comedy for which she had no script. She was wholly unprepared to play her role. “I have no idea how to do that.”

  Enid patted her hand. “Give her some time, and talk to her in a few hours. Until then, you’re free to spend the day with us.”

  Bree seemed mildly surprised by Enid’s offer but accepted the gesture in stride. “Totally.”

  Alice blushed, perfectly aware of what they’d come in here to do. Just because her sex life had once again gone dormant didn’t mean theirs should as well. “Actually, I should probably go talk to Jamal in arts and crafts. I told him I’d give him some advice on doing a simple robotics lesson for a future camp session. He seemed pretty excited about that, so…” She noted the way Bree lit up at the implication that she’d soon have Enid alone. “But…maybe we can hang out tonight at the dance?”

  She really didn’t want to go stag.

  “Sure thing.” Bree eased into a broad smile. “Escort two beautiful women to an event? Go ahead, twist my arm.”

  Enid shot her lover an amused wink. To Alice, she said, “Careful, or she’ll invite you to spend all night with us.”

  “I certainly would,” Bree said seriously, “if I thought Alice were into that kind of thing.”

  Somehow managing
not to wither and die of embarrassment, Alice bit back a grin while she fanned the flames that rose in her cheeks. “Also tempting,” she admitted. Experiencing an instant of out-of-body awareness, she registered what she’d just said. I’m flirting. With someone who isn’t Rosa! Maybe she really had grown. Still, even if she could summon the confidence to participate in a threesome, her heart wouldn’t be in it. Not tonight. “Unfortunately, I’m too hung up on the first woman I ever slept with to even consider adding a second and third to the list.”

  Bree and Enid’s eyes both widened at her revelation. “Oh. Wow.” Bree hesitated. “Well, maybe that’s the problem?”

  Enid elbowed Bree hard enough to elicit a yelp. “I think Bree meant to ask, ‘Did she ever imply that your relative inexperience was one of the reasons she’s reluctant to get more serious?’”

  Alice shook her head, then shrugged. “I’m pretty sure that’s not it, but…” She searched Bree and Enid’s faces. “You guys think that’s an issue?”

  “Not so long as you don’t treat her like an experiment.” Enid patted her again. “Given how devastated both of you look about the idea of losing touch with someone you met only forty-eight hours ago, I don’t believe that’s your intention at all.”