They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Sal’s taking a vacation.” She said flatly. “A long vacation. If you want to keep working, you’ll try not to do what Sal did. Or you may go on vacation too.” Julie moved to the empty chair at the head of the table and eased into it. It creaked in protest. “Business continues as usual.” Julie placed her hands flat on the table. “Nothing’s changed in the operation.” The four males visibly relaxed. “Except.” They tensed again. “You each get an extra three percent cut.” The males all leaned forward. “Gross, not Net.” Smiles crawled across their faces as they made mental calculations.

  They all leaned back in their chairs and exchanged glances. They all nodded and the Gnome spoke up, “You got it Boss.”

  “Big Julie,” said Big Julie.

  “You got it Big Julie,” the Gnome corrected himself without missing a beat.

  We meet upstairs at Jules Clothier and Such. Lunch will be provided. See you on Thraksday around noon.” Without waiting to hear a response, she stood and stormed out of the backroom. To her pleasure, the customer once again jumped and Julie was rewarded with a curse.

  Big Julie operated as a fair but firm - and more importantly - loose handed manager. Profits trickled down to the lowest levels of her organization to the point where everyone wanted to work for her. No one even considered trying to skim off the top because working for Big Julie was, as the word on the street attested, “a Gravy Train, and when you’re on a Gravy Train, you make sure you don’t fall off.” For Big Julie, volume is where she made her fortune. After almost a decade of running one of the most successful syndicates in the Land, Julie’s beloved Raul was unexpectedly poisoned. With Miasma Brew. The exit strategy, long since planned was implemented immediately. Putting Muscles in charge of the operation, she made a clean break and moved to Aution. The pastures there weren’t necessarily greener, but they were definitely less lethal.

  It was there that Big Julie had heard about Mac Displaines and his School of Magic franchise- and its overall legal status. Thinking it would be a good change of pace she called in a few favors to clear any zoning issues and gathered up the funds required to purchase the Gristmill, outbuildings, and surrounding fields. It was all abandoned and mostly condemned so the complex was purchased for coppers on the gold. Backing from local businesses in Aution built the dormitory (Mac schools were well-known successes) which ensured that her investment in the scheme was, overall, low.

  For the very first two semesters, enrollment was at 60 percent. By the start of this semester, their third, there was a waiting list. Big Julie was content. Content and legitimate. Mostly[18].

  Chapter Twenty Nine (Reliquume)

  Wherein the Gnomes and

  Big Julie Discuss Business

  “Yes finally” agreed RatShambler, “If I had to hear about one more cloud that looked exactly like a headless Orc riding a three legged unicorn across a cotton field, I was going to throw up.”

  “That’s what they looked like to me,” countered Grimbledung. “Lookit! We’re almost there!” He squealed as he clapped.

  A full mile from the school, the road abruptly changed from hardpan to sandstone. The wagon practically glided to the front of the massive Windmill. The Windmill’s blades creaked quietly as they glided by. There was no discernible breeze. The double front doors were polished wood and held together with oiled iron strapping. Sitting on each side were two very large stone Gargoyles.

  “Want to come Rat?” Asked Drimblerod, “or you want to stay out here and relax in the fields.”

  RatShambler turned to look at Drimblerod. “Let’s see. Get a proper meal inside, or stay out here in the hot sun and eat grass that birds have pooped on. That’s a tough one.”

  “Grim, can you change him back?”

  Grimbledung looked confused. “But he didn’t say which one he was going to do.” A scornful glance from Drimblerod and Grimbledung produced his wand and jabbed it at RatShambler who once again became just Rat. “Well, he didn’t” protested Grimbledung as he sheathed his wand.

  Drimblerod approached the front doors. He looked at the two Gargoyles. They were immense compared to him. They were a matched set with dragon heads, lion bodies with squatty folded wings, and long sharp talons. They sat on roughhewn stone bases and their heads were angled in so they faced anyone who was at the door. Drimblerod looked from one to the other.

  “Aren’t we going in?” Asked Grimbledung. He hopped from foot to foot, “Maybe we should knock.”

  “I figured they’d ask our names, or demand a password, or something.” He moved in close and peered into the face of one of the Gargoyles. “This is a school of magic after all.”

  Grimbledung moved beside his partner, grabbed the huge iron ring and knocked loudly on the doors. Drimblerod continued to eye the Gargoyles. They seemed to just be stone carvings. After a few moments, the doors opened and they were greeted by a Dwarf child. “You visiting?” He asked.

  Drimblerod took his attention away from the Gargoyles. “Yes, we were hoping to speak to the Headmistress.”

  “Got an appointment?”

  Drimblerod and Grimbledung exchanged glances. Drimblerod shrugged.

  After a moment, Grimbledung suggested, “Yes?”

  “Follow me” said the Dwarfling as he walked into the foyer. “The office is this way.” The three followed the boy into the Windmill and the door closed of its own accord. One of the Gargoyles winked at the other, who grinned back.

  So what’s a student doing answering the door?” Asked Drimblerod. “Shouldn’t you be in class or something?”

  “This is my free period and I’m answering the door because I am on detention,” answered the Dwarfling blandly. “But it could’a been worse. I could have drawn Latrine duty.” He stuck out his tongue.

  “So what are you in for?” Asked Grimbledung in a conspiratorial tone.

  The Dwarfling put his hands in his pockets. “Littering.”

  Grimbledung shook his head. “Detention for littering? That’s disgraceful.”

  Perking up the youth continued, “And creating a public nuisance.

  “Well that’s more like it then!”

  “Don’t encourage him to follow in your footsteps,” scolded Drimblerod.

  “Why in the Lands were you given detention for littering and how does that turn into being a public nuisance?”

  “Well” began the Dwarfling as they walked, “a couple of weeks ago, we were cleaning up one of the outbuildings to make an indoor sparing ring, and the previous owners lived in the hay loft, and since they lived in the hay loft, they had a lot of room down where the stables used to be. And, having all that room seeing as how the horses were all gone, they decided they didn’t have to take out the trash for a very long time. So when we started cleaning up the place, me and my friend Guthrie decided we would take the garbage down to the dump. So we took some shovels and rakes and loaded the trash up in my ...” He stopped in front of a black door. “Here we are. Miss Julie’s office.” He knocked on it and quickly ran off. “Good luck!” He called over his shoulder.

  “I wanted to hear how that turned into a public nuisance charge,” whined Rat.

  “Bah,” said Drimblerod, “it sounded like it would take him almost 20 minutes to ramble through it. Ask him later when we aren’t on business.”

  “Say, I wonder why he ran off,” wondered Grimbledung aloud, “You’d think ...”

  The door sprung open and what was the largest non-Troll, non-Giant female Grimbledung had ever seen, greeted them. Julie always opened her own door to ensure that whatever student or faculty happened to be on the other side had to deal with her filling the doorframe. As part of the renovations, she had had it rebuilt slightly smaller in width and height so she literally filled it. Since the Gristmill was over a hundred years old, none of the doors matched anyway, so her oddly shaped door did not seem out of place.

  As usual, she stared straight ahead, as if at one point, she actually expected a six-and-a-half-foot tall student to greet her. Sl
owly she lowered her eyes. It was another tactic she used to make sure the students didn’t try to get away with anything- fear was a good motivator. In all honesty however, being around all the youngsters had brought a motherly instinct bubbling up from the nether regions of Big Julie - Former Mob Boss - that she never knew she had. This had brought about another tactic from Julie; dressing up. Unbeknownst to the local gentry of the male persuasion (so far anyway), Julie was “in the market.” If she came across an above average height male who wasn’t looking for a free ride, Julie -Former Mob Boss- would transform rather quickly into Julie –Panther on the Prowl-. She met Grimbledung’s eyes. At half her height, he would have had to own a kingdom to be in the running, she mused sourly. The musing transferred to her face.

  “Gah!” Exclaimed Grimbledung, “We’re sorry to bother you Big ... Big.. BIG” he was overwhelmed. “Julie.” He finished quickly. “I ... I ... I.” He stammered helplessly. From a tender young age, Grimbledung had found taller women of interest to him. Now that he was an adult, that “interest” had turned into full blown Obsession (with a capital Ooooh!); His advances on Nulu were only slightly in jest; he was testing the waters, as it were. Now faced with a buxom and big all over Human, he was agog. “We ... we ... we”

  Drimblerod had been eyeing his partner with interest. He had no idea what was wrong with Grimbledung but it was, at least for a while, entertaining to watch.

  “I want,” began Grimbledung again. “I WANT!” He said louder than he really wanted to.

  Julie took a step back from the door. It felt as if this unintelligible Gnome was the panther and she was the prey. It was unfamiliar territory. “Can I help you?” She asked, hoping for a well-spoken answer from the other Gnome.

  “Yes,” began Grimbledung. “You can help me.”

  Drimblerod, realization rushing across his mind, slapped his partner’s ear. “Cut it out! We’re here on business.”

  Finally, thought Julie, a sentence. She addressed the articulate Gnome, “Business with what? Are you applying for a job?” The increase in student body had made her put notices out for persons able to teach magic, physical fitness, as well as the standard compulsory classes; it was a fully accredited franchise after all. “Come in.” She said as she moved behind her desk. “What are your specialties?” She asked a she moved to sit behind her desk. Partially to look official, and partially to put a piece of furniture between her and the other, disturbing Gnome.

  “Wands” Grimbledung spat out, “we do wands.” His tongue still was not in synch with his mind. He had a big smile across his face and didn’t know how to get rid of it. He thought of kicking wet, baby River Seals, but that just made him giggle.

  “We aren’t in the market for a professor of the Art of Wand,” began Julie, “What we really need is someone to teach etiquette and someone who can teach Alchemy and also Potions.” She looked at Grimbledung, “But I have a feeling, that is not your forte. What are your credentials, Mister Gnome?” She asked the coherent Gnome.

  Drimblerod slapped Grimbledung’s ear. Finally, the smile left his face. “I apologize for my partner, Miss Julie. He doesn’t get out much.” That brought the smile back to Grimbledung’s face. Drimblerod pressed on, “I am Drimblerod. Drimblerod Axebreath. This is my partner Grimbledung Sixtoes.”

  “Esquire,” Grimbledung said as his mouth caught up with his head.

  Drimblerod continued: “We run Second Hand Sorcery, a well- established wand shop in Aution.” He waited to let that sink in. He had practiced his pitch several times in the wagon- not only to make sure that the deal went well, but also to block out Grimbledung’s cloud-describing antics. “We have been expanding our business and thought that your school could benefit from our wide selection of wands.” He glanced at the chair beside him. Julie had not offered them seats and did not look like she would. The pitch was not going well. “We would be willing to offer wands at bulk prices for your students to practice with and would also be willing to buy back any the students do not keep or break at the end of the year. Your outlay of money would be held at the bank in Aution to assure you that your deposit is safe. At the end of the year, we settle the account and...”

  “Who keeps the interest?” Julie interrupted.

  Drimblerod was prepared for the question. “We do as part of our fee, and to offset wand costs to keep prices as low as possible,” he answered smoothly. “That way your parents won’t feel like they are being gouged. If their kids break a wand, then of course, they will be expected to buy another one, but unless a student is a chronic wand breaker, we will give them a deep discount on their replacement wand.”

  “What’s the buy back on the wands?” Julie asked again. As she did, she glanced at the chair beside Drimblerod.

  Inside, Drimblerod did a little flip. Julie’s glance meant that she was considering offering them a seat. Things were looking up! “We buy back at fifty percent sale price which is well above industry standard.” This was true; many wand salesmen treated wands like beasts of burden and depreciated them accordingly. However, the dirty secret with wands was that usually, they improved in quality with age because they became more stable, or in some cases were actually improved by owners with new spells being imbued on them. Of course, sometimes conflicting spells were imbued on a wand which usually rendered them highly unstable. A Levitation Dispel! Wand was a combination that did not work well at all. “And, as I said, if a student loses or breaks a wand, we will replace it at a steeply discounted price. Sixty percent off.”

  “Have a seat,” said Julie. The two Gnomes sat in their chairs. It was only then that she noticed they had a rat with them. It sat on the floor between them. “I am so sorry, would you like a chair too?” She asked the rodent.

  Rat shook his head. “I’m fine right here. Go ahead with the business part of this expedition. I’m waiting for the lunch part.”

  Big Julie smiled. “Don’t worry, you don’t get to be my size by skipping or scrimping on meals.” She looked at Grimbledung, He was still ogling her. Sighing, she turned to Drimblerod, “To be frank with you Drimblerod, we’ve been telling students to bring their own wands with them but that has led to some issues with standardization of wands, as well as some who show up with none at all. It has been bugging me because I don’t think that’s very professional. I’d love a display of wands that we can offer the students depending on what year they are in.”

  Drimblerod did another flip on the inside. He was expecting to have to bargain more to get the deal done. “Then it’s a good thing we passed by this way, Miss Julie.” He was staying formal with the woman to ensure he didn’t accidentally insult her and ruin the deal. It was already an uphill battle with Grimbledung’s antics. Thinking back, Grimbledung’s comments to Nulu now made sense. He leaned back in his chair. “You’ll have to forgive my partner here. I think he’s just overwhelmed.”

  “Overwhelmed?”

  “Well, to be honest with you, when I heard the school was run by a ‘Big Julie’, I expected it to be a rough and tumble, edge-of-the-law looking male. Then when I heard you were a female. I expected someone ...” He was now in dangerous territory. Middle of Orcistan covered in brown gravy dangerous. “Much, much more rough looking,” he finished.

  “Well said.” Julie sat back in her chair. “You were half right. I did run a pretty profitable Organized.” She considered her choice of words- thanks to her previous line of work, she was always mindful of incriminating statements- especially in front of strangers. “Business endeavor,” she finished in a manner she felt her Troll Lawyers would approve of.

  “Yeah. Really stacked nicely” said Grimbledung. Pixies tended to speak their mind so at times, Grimbledung could not tell when his inner monologue became his outside voice. His eyes got huge as he realized he was speaking out loud. “The business arrangement that is.” He said quickly, “It’s well put together.” He looked at Drimblerod hopefully. “Right?”

  Drimblerod ignored him, as he hoped Julie did. “Hey
, Miss Julie, do you think we can get a tour of your school?” Drimblerod asked, much to the relief of his partner who was now sweating at the thought of a serious ear whacking.

  Julie stood. “Sure thing.” Anything to get Grimbledung’s mind out of the gutter. “Do you want to come too?” She looked down at the rat and was at a loss of what to call him, “ahhh ...”

  “Rat. Just Rat.”

  “Want to come along, Rat?”

  “If there’s a meal at the end of the tour, count me in.” Rat shook his fur. “I’m famished.”

  “You’re always hungry,” commented Grimbledung as he reached down and picked up Rat. “I’ll tote you along so you can save your strength.” He sat Rat on his shoulder. “Ready when you are Julie.” He said. He was deliberately avoiding looking at her.

  “I’ll direct you from back here so I’m not blocking your view,” she suggested (mercifully) to Grimbledung as she offered them the door ahead of her.

  Grimbledung exhaled. He did not realize he was holding his breath. “Sounds great! Being at your behind would really make this tour hard for me.” He blushed deeply. “Err, what I meant was I would be really hard being behi ...” He stopped. That wasn’t going to work either. Grimbledung decided to just look at the floor quietly.

  “We’ll start here on the first floor” said Julie ignoring the strange Gnome’s volley of entendres across her bow -metaphorically speaking. She pulled the door closed behind her. “This is a pretty good operation we have going here.”

  (part of) Chapter Thirty

  Wherein Julie Gives the Gnomes (and Rat)

  a Tour of the School

  The four of them moved out of Julie’s office into the large central common room which was set up like a library. Like Secondhand Sorcery, it seemed much larger on the inside than it did from the outside. Bookshelves were freestanding in no particular order yet still readily accessible. Overstuffed chairs, benches, and several tables also seemed to be placed by whim. Even so, the area was well used and there were plenty of pathways leading between the maze of bookshelves and seating options. The edge of the central room was only apparent because of where the thick, colorful carpeting ended. The hardwood floor beyond the carpeting created a wide hallway which arced around the middle of the Gristmill. The classrooms were pie-shaped, fanning out from the central hallway and each had several windows. A tightly wound spiral staircase in the very middle of the structure ran to the very top. Above, the floor of the level above was a full fifteen feet overhead. Exposed beams thicker than Julie’s arms radiated from a central ring. The central ring did not touch the spiral staircase which just twisted up out of sight. There were no supports in the middle of the room to break up the flow. Nowhere on the first floor was there a feeling of being pent-in, much less that one was inside an ancient, albeit massive, windmill.