They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  “You want more wood?” The man said angrily as he jumped to his feet, “You got it. Let’s go get some wood, boys.”

  Grimbledung raised his hands plaintively, “That’s all I want is more wood.” He then clenched his hands into fists, “SO GO GET MORE WOOD!” The last Jamboree Grimbledung had been to, had set up a small mine cart with wood in it for people to roast Marsh Mallows and Marsh Pixies on. Grimbledung had to stand in line for several minutes while his Mallow tried to bargain its way off the stick. It almost ruined his whole evening. This time, he wanted to make sure everyone could roast their treats all at once and -more importantly- without any pleading. That’s how a good Jamboree was run. “That’s how a good Jamboree is run” he said to no one in particular- which was good because no one was listening.

  For the rest of the day, Grimbledung screamed and cajoled his workers in setting up The Square. Finally, to everyone’s relief, the sun finally set and the Jamboree officially began.

  Chapter Forty

  Wherein the First Annual Jamboree Begins

  Grimbledung stood on the stage with Mayor Camthalion Shinn on one side and Drimblerod on the other. He looked out at the crowd in front of him. It seemed that the whole town had turned out for the event. Even a few Orcs stood head and shoulders above everyone else. Word had indeed gotten out. Here and there, he saw a Gatherers Division button on someone in the crowd- according to the agreement; they ate and drank for free.

  “Welcome to the First Annual Aution and Gatherers Division Jamboree!” Said Grimbledung to the large crowd before him. No one responded. “We’re really glad you came and I want to thank a few people before we get the festivities started.” The silence was overwhelming.

  “First to Mayor Shinn, a tribute to Elfkind if there ever was one. “This entire event is happening because of him. All him!”

  Mayor Shinn’s stomach suddenly filled with butterflies. He turned to look at the odd Gnome which now had put his reelection in danger. He took a step away and to the rear from Grimbledung. “And of course my partner Drimblerod Axebreath!” Again, no one made a sound.

  From behind the crowd, a howl broke the silence. Everyone looked at Akita who was crouched on the roof of the massive, four-story Guilds House. The tallest in town, it housed the Midwifes, Healers and Undertakers (Local 423); Miners and Assays (Local 213); and the Scab and Blackleg Guild -which was only a guild by name of course[29]. Obviously.

  In any case, Akita was silhouetted in the moonlight. He let out another howl, arms splayed wide and chest out. Everyone took a step backwards towards the stage. A stampede was imminent. Akita leapt in what seemed slow motion.

  While in the air he twisted around so he was looking down when he cleared the pile of wood- which was now almost three stories tall. He made it all the way to the stage and landed with two feet and one paw right where the mayor had been standing. The stage creaked dangerously. As he stood slowly he winked and whispered to Grimbledung, “Levitation wand.” When he reached his full height, the entire crowd took a step back to their original position.

  “That’s all the talkin I want to hear from this stage! Get some music and ale flowin’ orrrrrr there’s gonna be some citations issued!” The crowd exploded into cheers as Akita hoped off the stage and made his way to the nearest Ale booth. Even with his amicable entrance, everyone got out of his way.

  The minstrel players took the stage like they were storming a keep. “Outta the way, youngsters!” Warned an olden looking Dwarf who was armed with an equally ancient fiddle. “Let the professionals work.” He drew his bow across the strings and they hissed to life. Most of the crowd looked at the Dwarf. The hiss transformed into a lively tune that was quickly accompanied by several other minstrels. Even as the crowd began to mill about, an open space appeared as an impromptu dance floor was made directly in front of the stage.

  For several hours, the minstrels played in shifts (according to union rules) and a good time was had by all. Not a fight had broken out only partially due to Akita’s prowling; the lumbering Orc Brute Squad (hired by Akita) made sure that differences were resolved peacefully. It was common knowledge that there were no innocent parties when Orcs broke up a fight. In fact, sometimes, innocent bystanders were used as weapons by them.

  “Grim,” began Drimblerod as he put down his mug, “I have to say, this is by far one of the best Jamborees I’ve been to.” Grimbledung smiled in response. “There’s plenty to drink, lots of different foods to eat, plenty of places to sit, and not a single fight. There’s even a great breeze so it doesn’t get too stale here in The Square with all these people. I can’t imagine how it could be done better.”

  Grimbledung’s smile widened, “Wait till you see the best part.” He stood and climbed onto the stage. When he got there he drew his wand. “Hey Mister Dwarf, give me a Look- Up-Here riff.” He said to the grizzled musician.

  Still in the middle of his song, the Dwarf gave a sideways nod to Grimbledung, finished his bar, then drew his bow across the strings and created a jagged sound much like a Stone Golem battle cry. Most everyone turned to look at the stage. “Many thanks” said Grimbledung as he moved to center stage. “I just want to say thanks for coming to the First Annual Jamboree! Make sure you tell your friends about it and next year it’ll be even bigger!” He shouted. Everyone stared at him.

  “Let the Dwarf play!” Came a lone response from the back of the crowd.

  Several people clapped their approval.

  “Yes, yes! The Dwarf WILL play!” Shouted Grimbledung back as he pointed his wand at the immense pile of wood. “While we all roast our snacks!” With that he jabbed his wand at the pile. A stream of molten lava shot out of the wand in a large arc, hitting the pile near the top. It immediately burst into flames and the fire continued down as the lava dripped down. Within moments, the entire mass was ablaze. People near the inferno took a step back from the heat. Quickly the temperature in the square went up several degrees. Grimbledung turned to Drimblerod, “Woo- good thing there’s a stiff breeze.” He gave a wave to the Dwarf. “Play on, good Dwarf,” he said. The Dwarf picked up his tune right where he left it off.

  “Great huh?” Said Grimbledung.

  “FIRE!” Someone behind him called.

  “Yes! A fire to roast your snacks!” He called over his shoulder, “Bring out the Marsh Mallows and the Marsh Pixies! Two for a copper!” He smiled at his partner, “And you were worried you wouldn’t have a good time.” He waggled his ears, “Shame on you!”

  “FIRE!” Someone else shouted.

  Grimbledung hopped off the stage and sat back down beside his partner,

  “The fire’s a big hit.”

  “It seems to be.”

  “FIRE!”

  “Well, you know. I was at a Jamboree once,” began Grimbledung, “and they had a little ...”

  “FIRE!”

  “ ...cart like they use in mines. You know the kind I’m talking about?” Grimbledung asked.

  Drimblerod nodded with his mug to his mouth.

  “Right, and they had wood in it and it was blazing pretty good ...”

  “FIRE FIRE!!”

  Grimbledung looked over his shoulder and shook his head, “Some people need to get out more.”

  “FIRE!!!”

  Two people rushed past and bumped Grimbledung as they went. He gave them a sidelong glance and continued, “Anyway, since it was a little mine cart, there was a long line to get to it. I figured if I ever threw a Jamboree, I’d make it big enough for everyone to use at once.”

  “THE INN!! THE INN!”

  Grimbledung winked, “Sounds like people are having a great time. Want to walk around and see how things are going?” He asked as he stood. Another person ran by, knocking him back into his seat. “Watch it!” He called at the rapidly leaving person. He stood again and had to avoid another two people- one of them an Orc- hurrying by. “What’s going on?” He asked no one in particular.

  “THE GUILD’S GOING UP!!”

 
; “What Guild is going up where?” Asked Grimbledung as he took a drink of his ale. “You gotta watch those Guilders or they’ll take over the place.” He put his drink back on the table. “Maybe we can talk to the Blacklegs next year.”

  “THE GUILD’S GOING UP!!” Someone else shouted.

  Drimblerod turned to look.

  He was sorry he did.

  Chapter Forty One[30]

  Wherein During First Annual Jamboree

  Becomes the Great Fire of 978

  Drimblerod’s eyes got wide, “The Guilds?” He quickly clambered onto the table and looked around, “GRIM! The Guilds House IS ON FIRE!” From his vantage point he was now taller than the heads of most of the human-sized people in The Square. They were all running one way or another. There was a bucket brigade snaking its way towards the Inn. It was completely ablaze. It looked like the bonfire had burned unevenly and collapsed into it. “The Guilds House!”

  Grimbledung climbed onto the table as well. “Is that the Stables?” He asked pointed over Drimblerod’s shoulder, “Over there?”

  Drimblerod followed his partners pointing hand to the far side of The Square, “No, no. That’s the Courthouse. The Stables are over there” he explained as he pointed to where the Stables were currently burning. Realization washed across his face, “The Courthouse? That’s only a block from our shop!”

  Glowing ashes flew by as the wind picked up. “We need to check on the shop,” suggested Grimbledung as he surveyed the area. Several other buildings were completely engulfed in flames- Aution was, like most other towns, constructed of wood. Unfortunately, Aution was the oldest town in the area which meant all the wood had been drying for two centuries. It was dry, seasoned wood. Perfect kindling in the shape of a town.

  “There they are!” Grimbledung heard a familiar voice call. He turned and saw Mayor Shinn moving his way through the crowd. He was making good progress because his path was being cleared by two Orcs. “Don’t you move!” He commanded.

  “I think it’s time to go,” suggested Drimblerod.

  “Back to the shop?”

  “Maybe a little farther than that. At least until things cool down around here.” Drimblerod said without a bit of humor. The fire had spread and was moving not only downwind at a frightening pace, but also spreading sideways thanks to the brisk breeze that aided embers from jumping across streets and alleyways.

  “I think you’re right. I’ll follow you,” said Grimbledung as he turned to look towards where the shop was- while he looked, a fire hopped the street to the next block. Their block. Out of the corner of his eye, Grimbledung saw movement beside him and he startled as he turned. Oddly, he saw nothing there. Fate rested her arm on Grimbledung’s shoulder and surveyed the mayhem. She smiled and patted an unseeing and unfeeling Grimbledung on the shoulder. Even though he did not know Fate was there, it still gave her great satisfaction. With one last pat, Fate moved off, smiling.

  The Gnomes burst into the shop which was brightly lit by the quickly approaching inferno. “Rat! We need to go now!” Called Drimblerod as he moved behind the counter. He pulled a bag of holding from under the counter and began to rake the more valuable wands into it. “RAT!”

  Grimbledung went into the back room (the curtain had never been rehung) and was greeted by a frantically flailing Dummy. “I’ve got you, Dummy. We won’t leave you.” He said as he pulled Dummy from his platform and muscled him to the cart in the backroom. “Hang on, we’ll be right back.” He grabbed a backpack of holding (also from the latest Gally Wuck trader) and moved to the front. The store was as bright as noon. Grimbledung looked across the street. The Stumbling Drunk was ablaze. “Nulu!” Grimbledung tossed the backpack to Drimblerod without even looking. In a flash he was out the door and across the street. He burst into the establishment as a full sprint (for a Gnome anyway), “NULU!” He called.

  “Down here!” He heard Nulu voice from behind the bar- which was completely aflame. She had taken shelter in the cellar. “I’m trapped and the stairs are on fire!”

  “MOVE TO THE FAR CORNER!” Grimbledung shouted over the roar of the flames.

  “WHICH CORNER IS THE FAR ONE?”

  Grimbledung hopped back and forth in panic. “I DON’T KNOW! JUST PICK ONE! STAND ANYWHERE EVEN!”

  “SO WHY EVEN BOTHER MOVING IF I CAN STAND ANYWHERE?”

  Grimbledung howled in a combination of panic and rage. “STAND STILL THEN!”

  “THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING!”

  He drew his wand and aimed it at the floor. A stream of molten lava sprang from it and began to burn a hole in the floor. Within moments, there was a hole straight into the cellar. Grimbledung got on his hands and knees. “Nulu! Can you see the hole!”

  “Yes! I was standing right under it when you made it! Why didn’t you tell me to stand someplace else?”

  Grimbledung stood so he could hop back and forth several times then dropped back on all fours. “Stay out of the way and I’ll make it a lot bigger so you can climb up.”

  “Are you calling me fat?”

  Grimbledung stood and hopped back and forth again. Females! “Stand back!” He worked the lava stream around the edges of the hole as he circled it. The floor was wood over what appeared to be sandstone so it melted quickly. Finally, Grimbledung lowered his wand, “Now frost the edges and jump out!”

  After a moment, the edges of the hole were frosty. Nulu jumped up and made it half way out of the hole. She clawed her way out in an effective albeit unlady-like manner. When she was back on her feet, she stared at the hole. It was over twice as large as she was. “What are you saying, with a hole that big?”

  “The town is burning down and you’re worried about your hips?” Grimbledung flailed his arms around, “FOCUS!” He turned and ran from the burning restaurant with Nulu close behind. As he crossed the street, he noticed it was bright enough outside that he had a shadow. Glancing up he saw the Magicked moon above the shop basked in orange firelight- it was full. Grimbledung stopped in his tracks.

  Nulu, carried by momentum, skidded past him. “What are you doing?” Moving back, she grabbed him by the arm, “Didn’t you just yell focus at me? You need to follow your own advice, you daft Gnome!”

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Right, right. But it’s such a nice enchantment I hate to leave it behind.” He pulled his wand from his wrist sheath. “Com’ere Moon!” He commanded. Obediently, the moon left its position above and a little in front of the door and moved to Grimbledung’s outstretched hand. He tucked it under his arm. “Right. Now we need to run! Like I said, focus!” He grabbed Nulu by the hand and pulled her into the shop.

  “Stop holding my hand!” Nulu complained.

  They entered the wand shop as Drimblerod was finishing adding the wands from the shelves to the pack. “Where have you been? And where’s Rat?” Drimblerod noticed the moon under his partner’s arm, “Good thinking, Grim. That thing was a werebear to concoct.”

  Grimbledung smiled. It quickly turned into a grimace, “We need to get out of here before the Mayor finds us!”

  “Wait. You’re responsible for this?” Nulu gestured out the window at the inferno.

  “I don’t think we should discuss this now! Let’s get out of town!” Behind him Door clattered open and closed. He turned to look, “Door! No, we aren’t going to leave you behind!” He turned to Nulu, “Can you put him with Dummy on the wagon?”

  “And get on it yourself because we’re going. Now” said Drimblerod as he put the last of the wands into the pack.

  Nulu stepped outside the store and gripped the door with both hands. With a quick jerk, the entire frame came loose. “Got ya, Door. Let’s go.” Door rattled its catch in thanks. Turning it sideways, she started to enter the shop as she did, she turned to look at the Stumbling Drunk. The roof was caved in and bottles behind the bar were bursting randomly. With a sigh, she scooted into the shop and made her way to the back of the store. She hefted the door over the side of the wagon. “Get down, Dummy and put th
is on top of you. You’re liable to burst into flame if anything drops on you.” Flailing its arms, Dummy fell over. Nulu laid the door on top of Dummy and it grabbed Door from underneath to keep it in position.

  “LETS GO!” She said as she jumped into the back of the wagon.

  Grimbledung and Drimblerod were both upfront. They turned to look at her and then at the empty harness upfront.

  “You’re kidding me. First the big hole in the floor. Then my entire business goes up in flames. Now I’m a beast of burden?” She glowered at them.

  “We’re Gnomes! The wheels on this thing are bigger than us,” offered Drimblerod.

  “It’s not our fault we’re our size,” added Grimbledung. “I blame my parents.”

  With a snarl, Nulu jumped out of the wagon and kicked the rear doors of the shop open. One came off its hinges and ended up on the other side of the alleyway. It promptly caught fire to match the building it was leaning against. “OK. Everyone hold on and keep an eye out for Rat.” Nulu grunted as she shoved the wagon out the shop and into the alleyway. She grabbed the tongue of the wagon and started towards the main street. Flames danced over their heads, carried by the rapidly increasing wind. Fueled by the heat, there was now a substantial wind billowing down the alleyway.

  In his shop, Pozzuoli wielded an Ice Wand in one hand and a Disintegrate! Wand in the other. “Take MY store? That’s not going to happen! You good up there, Mamma?” He called to the ceiling. With the pandemonium around him, he had dropped his accent. Now was the time for action, not appearances. The entire of Aution would burn to the ground but not the Haberdashery.

  On the roof with two Ice Wands, Mamma Pozzuoli kept adding to the walls she had created around the store. “It’s fine up here, Papa. At least it’s not lava this time!” She called down. Merely a fire? No molten rivers of lava barreling down on her? Child’s play- she wasn’t even panicking. “What do you want for dinner tonight?”