They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Hah. That’s Mamma. What do you think of her, Sign?” Pozzuoli called over his shoulder to Sign which was wielding an Ice Wand in case he missed something.

  “It sounds like she’s a great wo wo wo ma ma man” replied Sign.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Asked Pozzuoli has he looked at his normally well-spoken Sign. “Is the heat getting to you?”

  ‘Thing some not is right,” offered Sign. His eyes got big and his wheel began to spin furiously. “No. No! Not like this! NOT LIKE THIS!”

  “Take a right at the intersection!” Offered Drimblerod again as he directed the puffing Nulu through the maze that was the backstreets of Aution. “That’s the quickest way out of town and the buildings are not as tall!” Once already, Grimbledung had to put out Door where a large piece of flaming wood had fallen on it.

  “Rat!” Called Grimbledung again as he looked back from the wagon. He was not only keeping an eye out for Rat, but was also making sure the wagon didn’t catch fire again, “RAT WHERE ARE YOU!?”

  “Grim! Up here!” Came a voice from above. Grimbledung looked up and running along the gutter of the building was Rat, “I’ve been trying to catch up for almost two blocks! For the sake of Vera’s Toes, tell that crazy Trolless to stop running for a moment!”

  “Nulu, stop. Rat found us!” Grimbledung called to the front of the wagon. Panting, Nulu came to a stop. “It’s about time.”

  “What are you complaining about?” Asked Drimblerod, “You’ve only been running not even 300 paces or so. Don’t be a Trolling.”

  Nulu turned to glower at Drimblerod. She roughly dropped the tongue of the wagon, “You wanna pull the wagon? I’m not built to pull a wagon. I’m built to look good and run a Bar and Restaurant.” She looked down at her hands. Looking up, she narrowed her eyes at him, “I broke a nail.”

  Drimblerod sat back in his seat. “Now Nulu, you’re doing a great job. Really.

  “Let’s let Rat get up there and you can ride in back. Nice and cozy.”

  “And I lost my business.”

  “We’ll get you set back up. Promise!” He offered as Nulu moved by the wagon. Even with him sitting up on the back of the seat, they were eye to eye as she went past. “I promise!” He said again.

  Rat moved to the front of the wagon as Grimbledung quickly jumped down and transformed the rodent. Quickly, he slipped the harness on the newly transfigured RatShambler. He gave a thumbs up sign to his partner and ran to the back of the wagon.

  “Okay! Everyone on and we’re going to make it out of town in record time.” RatShambler shook his dingy coat and flicked his half tail. “Say when!”

  Grimbledung rolled onto the back of the wagon beside Nulu. “When!” He called. In a flash, RatShambler was at a gallop.

  “You sure you are alright?” Pozzuoli asked again. “You don’t sound so good.”

  “No. It has passed now. I guess that stupid Grimbledung didn’t know what he was doing after all. I’ll be fi ...” Sign exploded into an inferno. Within moments, the wall was crackling with flames.

  “THOSE GNOMES!” Howled Pozzuoli, “THOSE CONNIVING GNOMES! Mamma! We need to go!” He called as he tried in vain to put out the now engulfed wall. In a moment of benevolence, he took a broom and knocked open all the lanterns. “Get out of here Pixies!” He shoo-ed the very relieved Pixies towards the door with the bristle end. “Go Pixies!! Mamma!” He called up at the ceiling. “Time to go!”

  Already, Mamma Pozzuoli was moving down the stairs, “Don’t wait for me. Get on the Shambler!” She called as she huffed and puffed down the stairs.

  When she got there, her husband reached down and swung her onto the back of the saddle. “Andiamo!”

  With a kick of his heels, their trusty Green Shambler, Andiamo, took to a gallop. “Drimblerod and Grimbledung. Just you wait,” muttered Pozzuoli to himself.

  Finally, clear of the taller buildings, RatShambler slowed to a trot. He looked over his shoulder at the glow behind him. It was as if the sun were coming up six hours early. The entire town was engulfed. There were streams of people leaving in all directions. “Rats from a ship,” remarked RatShambler as he turned back to watch where he was trotting. “Where to Drim?” He asked.

  Grimbledung was also looking back at the town. He met Drimblerod’s eyes. “How many people do you think know the truth?” He asked.

  Drimblerod looked around the wagon. “Well,” he began, “counting the people that are in the wagon or not?” Grimbledung continued to stare at his partner. “I’d say as far as important people, just Mayor Shinn.” He looked down at his hands. “That’s it. So one.” That one he knew- he held up a finger. A howl wafted by on the hot breeze from what once was Aution. “On second thought, maybe two,” continued Drimblerod sheepishly.

  The two stared at each other as the wagon bounced along. Nulu finally broke the silence, “So, where do you think would be a good place to ...” She considered her words. “Hide out?”

  Drimblerod looked at Nulu, “You’re going to stay with us after all we’ve put you through?” He smiled, “You are one crazy Trolless.”

  Nulu shook her head, “No, no. You two owe me. And more importantly I owe you. If I left, I’d never get my comeuppance. So where to?”

  “There’s always Big Julie,” offered Grimbledung. “She’s got a lot of space. We’ve got a lot of wands. Maybe we can work something out.”

  Drimblerod considered this for a moment. It would be a good location. It was close enough to the former town of Aution to see how things were going there rebuilding-wise. Plus, he had an Abyssmal Box to retrieve- they were, for all intents and purposes, indestructible. He just needed the coast to be clear to sneak back into town to get it. On top of that, working the school kept the coins flowing. “If she’ll let us set up shop that may work out.” He turned to look at Nulu, “You know, she wanted to start a town around the school. If it’s a town starting up, it’s going to need an Inn.” He smiled at her, “and every Inn needs a Bar and Restaurant. And seeing as how there isn’t a town nearby anymore, she’s got a good shot at making it happen.”

  Nulu considered the business opportunity. Getting in on the ground floor was always the way to maximize profits. The stickler would be Big Julie. Two sizeable women in one location might cause ruffled feathers. “Is Big Julie easy going? What’s she going to think of me moving in on her action?”

  Drimblerod shook his head, “She seems pretty reasonable to me. She’s a real businesswoman so I can’t see her not seeing the profit of having an Inn set up shop nearby. She wants a town and you can’t have a town without an Inn. That’s what brings people around and makes them settle down.

  Grimbledung smiled. The prospect of two large women in close proximity was a dream come true. “Then it’s settled!” He clapped his hands once. “We can discuss the details over some drinks,” he suggested, “Say Nulu, have you ever tried Melonchello? The last time I drank some, I lost three weeks and ended up dead. You’ll love it!”

  Nulu turned and looked forward without saying a word.

  Chapter Forty Two

  Wherein The Gnomes, Nulu, Dummy, and Rat

  Make Their Way to Big Julie

  The clouds scudded across the sky as the motley group rolled along in silence. It had been an hour since any had turned to look back at the column of smoke rising from what had once been the bustling town of Aution. Anything that could have been said - accusatory or consolatory- had been said. An hour ago.

  Drimblerod sat in the front of the wagon, marginally holding the reins. It was more for show since RatShambler knew where he was going and would take (as usual) offence to any offer of direction. Drimblerod’s eyes were closed but only because he was sleeping.

  “Anyone want to hear a song?” Asked Grimbledung, “I just made one up.” He was hoping to break the silence because the clouds were moving too fast to actually form anything interesting for him to look at. ‘Streaks’ just didn’t cut it after an hour. “It’s about the town,” he ad
ded hopefully. Dummy turned to look at him and shook its head. Since they had left town, Dummy had switched with Door and was now on top of it. The risk of fire was gone so he no longer needed to cower under Door, and since Door didn’t seem to have any way to enjoy the scenery, they decided to swap places. Door was friendly that way. “You sure? It’s not very long and it rhymes and everything.” Dummy shook his head again.

  Nulu, who had taken to walking beside the wagon (on the opposite side of Grimbledung) so as to not have to be close to Grimbledung, moved around to his side of the wagon. “Grim, I don’t see how a song is going to make anything better. We lost everything. I lost everything. Everything.” Looked into the wagon; none of its contents were hers. “Everything.” Her face scrunched up angrily, “Since my money was in the bank in town, it’s melted along with everything else. All I have is a Frost Wand to my name and the clothes on my back.”

  “You have your looks,” suggested Grimbledung.

  Dummy nodded and elbowed Nulu in the side for emphasis.

  “That has to count for something, right?” He smiled hopefully.

  “My good looks, a Frost Wand, and a head nod from Dummy is supposed to make me happy?” She clenched and unclenched her massive fists several times. Mercifully, she merely moved to the other side of the wagon without giving Grimbledung another look.

  The group rode on without another word.

  The silence was deafening.

  As usual, it lasted for only a few minutes.

  Chapter Forty Three

  Wherein Grimbledung is Forgiven

  By Everyone

  Except Dummy

  Grimbledung mulled over his current situation. Things looked bleak. That meant it was time for drastic actions. After decades of being involved in bleak situations, he knew that ‘sooner’ was always better than ‘later’ for drastic actions. With a howl he bounded to the front of the wagon, clambered onto RatShambler’s back and made a jump over his head. He was hoping for an impressive landing that would get everyone’s attention. He landed in a heap. When he got back on his feet, everyone was looking at him. Mission accomplished.

  “OK. Let’s have this out,” he began angrily.

  “Don’t you dare spit at me.”

  “Shaddap Drim!” Snapped Grimbledung as he moved beside RatShambler to get a good view of everyone, “Everyone shut up and listen.”

  “No one’s saying anything, Grim” offered Nulu.

  “SHUT. UP!” He howled, “That’s the whole problem!” Nulu opened her mouth to offer a response but a glare from Grimbledung made her just close it again. “Not a word from you people while I talk.” He realized that RatShambler had not actually stopped walking and he was now beside the wagon instead of in front of it and he was steadily losing ground. He drew his wand in a flash, “Rat, I swear if you don’t stop walking, I’ll cut you in half and we’ll see how the enchantment deals with that!” He pointed his wand menacingly at RatShambler’s midsection. RatShambler, not wanting to have to deal with what would invariably be called The Great Splitting Incident of 978, stopped.

  “That’s better,” said Grimbledung as he once again moved beside RatShambler. “Now listen up.” He frowned. “I. SAID. LISTEN!” He aimed the wand from Drimblerod, to Nulu, then Dummy, then back at Drimblerod. He did two complete revolutions of wand aiming.

  “For Delberger’s Hand, what are you getting on about?” It was RatShambler. Since Grim hadn’t pointed the wand at him (last), he felt he was in the best situation to demand an explanation. In the back of his mind, he was also fairly certain that cutting him in half - although probably painful and messy - would not actually do him in. And, truth be told, he was actually interested in knowing how his two parts would reattach.

  Grimbledung did another circuit of pointing his wand at everyone- this time including Rat then he took a deep breath. Then another. Finally, Grimbledung dropped his wand to the ground and began to sob. Great wailings escaped from him as he half-fell, half-sat down. He tugged his ears with his hands as tears ran down his face.

  No one moved a muscle. A Red Bellied Shambler Fly[31] landed on Rat’s shank and chomped down to drink its fill, and even then, he didn’t twitch.

  “I AM SORRY!” Finally made its way out past the sobbing that wracked Grimbledung’s body. He tugged furiously on his ears. “IT’S MY ENTIRE FAULT AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE IT!” He looked up at his companions, eyes red and wet. “I RUINED EVERYTHING!” He fell back and sobbed at the cloud streaked sky.

  “Grimbledung,” said Nulu as she moved around the back of the wagon, “It’s all right. It was an accident.” She moved forward beside RatShambler. She had her arms outstretched and began to kneel to console the Gnome.

  Grimbledung sat up, “You’re just saying that” he sobbed. There was a substantial tendril of snot dangling from his nose but he did not seem to be aware of it in his current state of anguish. “None of you will ever forgive me.” This began another round of ear tugging. The tendril swayed back and forth but still refused to lose its grip somewhere in the nether regions of Grimbledung’s sinuses. He turned and looked up at Nulu.

  When Nulu spied the wayward tentacle, she straightened quickly - Trolless or not, there were things that gave even her the heebie jeebies. Consoling would occur at a distance. “Listen Grimbledung ...” She began. Saying ‘no one blames you’ was definitely not the right phrase since - rightfully so - everyone did.

  Grimbledung looked up at Nulu and finally ran his arm across his nose. Nulu’s stomach did a little flip. Her biggest fear now became the probability of a hug at the end of her pep-talk. “Listen Grim,” she began again. “It’s alright. We can work through this together.” It was noncommittal, non-accusatory, and, more importantly, most likely correct.

  Grimbledung sniffed as he wiped his eyes, “You’re just saying that. I’ve ruined everything,” his tears began to finally dry up, “I had a good place to live, good income, a good job, and good friends.” He looked up at Nulu. “No, I didn’t have good friends. I had a family for the first time in centuries.” A torrent of tears followed along with another round of ear tugging. “Now I have nothing!” He pulled his legs up to his chest and began to rock back and forth.

  “Grimbledung,” offered Drimblerod, “Nulu’s right. We will work through this. And you haven’t lost everything. We’re all safe and together. And we’re not getting rid of you because of a little fire.”

  RatShambler turned to look at Drimblerod, “Little Fire? Have you not looked over your shoulder lately? Even from here you can still ...” He was cut off as Nulu slapped his flank. Hard. To add insult to injury, she didn’t even hit the Shambler Fly. “We can work through this.” He finished simply through clenched teeth.

  “Do you really mean it?” Asked Grimbledung as his tears slowed again. The rocking was still going on.

  “We do” said Nulu. Drimblerod and Dummy nodded. RatShambler, rear stinging, nodded as well. Even door underneath Dummy clattered his latch.

  “So why don’t we all get in the wagon and get to Big Julie’s place and see what we can lay our hands on as far as land?”

  “You really mean that Drim?”

  “I do, Grim,” Drimblerod smiled at his partner, “Let’s go find a new home. For all of us.”

  Grimbledung stood and wiped his nose again. This time with the other sleeve. Nulu took a precautionary step backward.

  “If you say so.” He moved past Nulu (who had moved her hands to her pockets to avoid implying there were hugs to be had) and to the back of the wagon. Pushovers. As he hopped on the back of the wagon, he was unable to control himself so he gave Dummy a sly wink.

  Dummy flailed its arms around frantically. He had just been going along with the others to ensure his continued employment and existence. Even with a head full of cotton bunting and straw, he knew what that crazy Gnome was doing. Now, he had no way to warn the others.

  “Yes, Dummy. We’re all glad that’s behind us. Now let’s sit still while
we make up some time. We really need to be at Julie’s place before nightfall,” offered Drimblerod.

  Drimblerod snapped the reins at RatShambler who begrudgingly picked up a faster than normal (for him) pace. Mercifully, the snapping reins finally made the nearly gorged fly go in search of a nice shady spot for a nap.

  Chapter Forty Four

  InTerN Mission; Failure

  Corporal Colossus stood on the hill outside of Aution. The fully ablaze Aution. He felt as hot as the flames he was watching. “Any sign of them?” He called again. He had his men spread out along the top of the hill in an effort to spot his compatriots.

  After several long minutes, one of the Halflings spied Corporal Gigantus and his squad as they filed out of town. “I see them!” He called triumphantly, “On the northern edge of town!” He pointed to assist his Corporal to see where they were.

  Corporal Colossus moved beside his man, “Good work, Mountainous. Go let them know where we are.”

  With that the private took off towards the line of Halflings, waving as he went. Colossus turned and scowled at the remaining Halflings, “Anyone have any word on who started the fire?”

  The second in command Halfling spoke up, “No one from our group did it, Corporal. Maybe it was the Intel Squad. It’s always dangerous when you take Intel Folk and put them out in the wilds.” The other Halflings murmured their approval. Whenever something went wrong –justified or not- it was the Intel Halflings that were to blame. It was not mere coincidence that their banner had an old grey Scape Goat on it. The ‘Goat of Knowledge’ the Intel Folk reverently called it. Everyone else knew the real reason.

  “If it was them. They better hope none of them made it out of town.” Corporal Colossus said to no one in particular. He turned and watched as his man finally caught the attention of the other squad. As his man reached the head of the column they seemed to exchange words. Then he saw that Halfling punch his Halfling in the head. The group marched past the now unconscious Mountainous. “So Corporal Gigantus, you made it out as well.” As they came, he counted the Halflings behind him, “And with all your men.” Losing men in battle meant they weren’t around to discipline later. If one was going to lose a battle, one should at least have the satisfaction of Criminal Incompetence Assessment (CIA) proceedings. Blaming the Intel Folks was fun, but could grow tedious after a while. Having a CIA to kick around fresh blood solved that.