Taking Chances

by Taylor, Janelle

  Christopher cut off her dreamy thoughts about him as he continued. “Nor can I risk causing dangerous lab accidents trying to do things I know I can’t manage. The same is true for teaching med students; I can’t hold an instrument in the correct position or apply the right amount of pressure needed for making a precise incision. I can do most things with my right, but not delicate surgery, not even on a cadaver whose life wouldn’t be in jeopardy with my clumsy attempts. Students would wonder why I was trying to teach them procedures I couldn’t demonstrate. And teaching just basic subjects doesn’t interest me at all.”

  Kirstin realized that much as she loved research, if she could no longer do it, she would accept that reality and find another satisfying job. Life was too short and unpredictable, she now believed, for being miserable and unfulfilled. Yet, men were different from women. It seemed as if most women could adjust to changes quicker and easier than the average man and could make the best of them.

  “The day before Peggy’s wedding I was told nothing else could be done; surgery was my past. It was a hard time because I had to put on a happy face to keep from spoiling her special day. As soon as she was on her honeymoon, I sold everything, packed up, and moved to the ranch. I told myself I had to be content with knowing I’d done great things be1fore the attack: I’d saved or bettered lots of lives.”

  “So few people can say that, Christopher.”

  “It’s easy and peaceful here. I’m accepted as I am. Local folks think I’m important and special, some think I’m downright perfect. I don’t need total use of both hands to be a country doctor or a successful rancher. If I can’t be a surgeon elsewhere, I’d rather be in New Mexico. Here, I don’t have big social occasions where embarrassing accidents can happen or I’m not introduced as the poor soul who had his career knifed. Peggy’s wedding was also the last time I saw Laura and Harry. It didn’t improve my sorry mood that day to see them so blasted happy and successful. I received a letter this week from Harry. He wants me to become a surgical consultant on several cases and three new projects he has in mind. I know what he’s doing, still trying to make up for the past. He thinks I’m wasting myself here and keeps scheming to get me back into the swing of things.”

  Kirstin believed there were many important and satisfying things Christopher could do with his skills and knowledge, including research and teaching, if he would accept his limitations and left this secluded area. Though she was empathetic about his disability, he could do something else or learn to be happy doing what he was doing now. But he had to change on his own when he was ready and willing. Maybe she could help point him in that direction before she left …

  Christopher stretched. “Speaking of swings, how about watching a little golf for a breather? Let’s see who’s the big scorer today.”

  Kirstin watched him switch the channel to the Master’s Tournament. She knew he was exhausted by his revelations. She knew now why he could no longer play the sport, and her heart ached for him. “Why don’t I get our snack ready? You check the scoreboards while I do.”

  Kirstin prepared popcorn and drinks, then returned. She warmed to the smile of gratitude he gave her, for more than the service.

  They watched the tournament for two hours. They talked about the ones they had attended, past and current golfers, names and descriptions of the course’s famous holes, and about the club and town where it was held. At some points, they revealed more about their ex-mates and talked about their children and her grandchildren. They brushed over politics and other topics of mutual interest.

  At six, he asked, “Ready for me to cook our steaks?”

  She followed him into the kitchen. “What about the baked potatoes?”

  “I put them in over an hour ago while you were in the bathroom doing your test. They should be done soon. Care for a glass of wine? … Sorry, I forgot for a minute.”

  “I know, with or after a meal,” she agreed. “You go ahead and have some. I don’t mind. I would mind more if you didn’t because I can’t.”

  “You make a person feel totally at ease,” he complimented as he fetched wine for himself and a diet drink for her.

  “Thanks. Anything I can do to help even if it is your turn in here?”

  “Just keep me company. You in a hurry to leave after our talk? Afraid I’m too confused to be your friend?”

  “Of course not. I would be suspicious if you were perfect. Besides, I’m on vacation and I’m not balanced, remember? And you promised me a ride on one of those Appaloosas and a tour of your ranch.”

  “So I did,” he concurred.

  Kirstin wondered at the slight strain between them. How did one behave under such circumstances; their intimate chat seemed to imply an impending affair. Surely the situation and moment would arrive soon. Would she know what to do and say when it was decision time?

  “Kirstin?” he hinted, deliberating the same subject. “I don’t want to do or say anything to upset you or embarrass you. And I don’t want to rush you into anything, even if our time together is limited.”

  Kirstin’s mind was in a whirl: speed things up or slow them down?

  Christopher noted her hesitation. “Should I have kept my mouth shut? This kind of situation is new for you, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. David was the only man in my life, and this nineties style of dating is unfamiliar to me. You’re well versed in the rituals, but I’m unsure of how to act and what to say. I know that’s silly, but I can’t help it.”

  “It isn’t silly at all. If you didn’t take the time to get to know me and make certain I’m worthy of your attention and friendship, I wouldn’t be interested in you. Just relax and enjoy dinner and my company. Let things happen naturally. If it’s right between us, we’ll go from there. If you decide it isn’t, I’ll understand and back off. I admit it’s lonely out here, but you’re not a passing diversion. I really like you and want you. I won’t try to coerce you into anything. But I will make saying no as difficult as possible.”

  She laughed. “I really like you, too, Christopher. I’ve never met any man with better qualities.”

  He took that as permission to pursue her, at a safe speed. He grinned and chuckled. “Let’s get started. Those steaks look scrumptious.”

  Kirstin and Christopher readied the table and salads before grilling the steaks. As the meat cooked, he took a seat beside her on the second step and leaned back against the next one. He stretched out long legs and braced his back against the wood, elbows resting on it and fingers interlocked over a flat stomach. They were quiet for a time as each gazed over the land before them on a balmy evening under a clear sky.

  He felt calm and happy, relieved to have the dreaded talk behind him and more relieved by the way she had accepted it—and him. “Feeling all right?”

  She smiled and nodded. “It’s all so peaceful. It has wild beauty. Did you spend a lot of time here while you were growing up?”

  “Yep. I had plenty of great times, and got into plenty of boyish mischief, too. There’s a big tree on the pond in the south pasture. When I was twelve, I tied a rope to one limb and would swing into the water. It was going fine until the knot came loose, I smacked the bank hard, and nearly broke my neck. It was back to Scouts and knot-tying lessons.”

  She laughed. “You’ll have to show me when we take our ride.”

  “It’s a promise. I’d better turn the steaks.”

  Afterward, he came to take a seat between her pants-clad thighs with his back to her. He reached up and pulled her arms over his shoulders and covered them with his across his chest. “This is nice, the best way to end a day.”

  Kirstin closed her eyes a moment and inhaled his manly scent. She felt the steady beating of his heart beneath her hands. It was more than nice; it was wonderful, stimulating, romantic. She couldn’t imagine doing this with David … Suddenly she found herself pulled into Christopher’s lap with him grinning down at her.

  “Now, that’s definitely better.” He gave her a leisurely kiss.
Her head rested against his left shoulder while his hand stroked her amber mane of loose curls and waves. “Your hair looks like ripe wheat beneath the autumn sun.” He caressed her cheek as he asked, “Is this shade natural or does this color mean you spend a lot of time outside or in a tanning booth?”

  “After David died and I made new friends, I spent as much time at the beach as I could. I have friends who own condos at Hilton Head and the Isle of Palms. We girls slipped off for as many weekends as we could. California is sunny most of the year, so I won’t look totally foreign when I get there. I don’t tan easy or much because I use gobs of sun block and stay inside during the heat of the day, but I have a little color.”

  He read between the lines: her life had changed greatly—since her husband died. “You like the beach?”

  “Yes. It’s tranquil and relaxing. I love the sound and feel of the wind and water and sun when they join. Do you like it?”

  “In spurts.” He realized she was trailing her fingers up and down his right arm as she spoke in an almost dreamy state. He kissed her nose, then set her aside to check the steaks.

  Kirstin was reminded of his problem as he held her. There was a long scar on the underside of his left wrist where repair surgery had been performed.

  “Ready?” he questioned after removing the meat from the grill.

  “Ready,” she replied, standing up and swaying slightly.

  “You dizzy or weak?”

  “Nope. I just got up too fast. A normal reaction, Doc, nothing more.”

  “Hold my arm,” he suggested, and cocked his elbow toward her.

  “And risk knocking those steaks out of your hand? No way. I’m fine.”

  Christopher placed the laden plate on the table while she fetched the potatoes from the oven and salads from the refrigerator. He refilled his wineglass and got her a glass of skim milk. Seated, he made no attempt to conceal the trouble he had cutting up his meat. She noticed how he held the fork between his index and second fingers because he couldn’t close the span between his thumb and fingers. He prepared his potato with butter, sour cream, and bacon bits, then selected his dressing and poured it over the salad.

  Kirstin tasted the steak first. “It’s divine, Christopher. You for hire?”

  “You looking for a cook?”

  “Maybe. After years of cooking, it would be nice to have someone do it for me after a long, hard day at work.”

  “Want to be a career woman all the way? A totally liberated female?”

  She laughed. “Why not? Meals and taking care of a house are hard work; they require a lot of time and energy if you do them right.”

  “I see. You want to eat both cakes, freedom and femininity?”

  “I like being a woman, but if I do the same job as a man, I should get the same pay and recognition.”

  “When you compete with men, you run a risk of being forced to act like one,” he told her.

  “I only compete with men at work. I can do just as well as they can, even better than some. I pay taxes and support myself. Why shouldn’t I have the job and life I want if I earn them?”

  “Do I hear resentment in those words?”

  “No. I personally haven’t had problems with men at work, but I have friends who’ve had bad ones.”

  “Maybe some men feel threatened or confused by this relatively new independent and aggressive female.”

  She almost held her breath as she asked, “Do you dislike liberated women? Do you think a woman’s place is at home?”

  “Plenty of women work these days, but not many love their jobs as much as you do. But you don’t strike me as a die-hard feminist. You’re intelligent, Kirstin. Obviously you’re good at your job and you work hard, otherwise, you wouldn’t be at Medico. I respect you for having brains and beauty. That’s quite a combination. Plus, you’re great company. I think you can do anything you desire. What are your future plans?”

  “To remain with Medico in research. It’s challenging and fulfilling, and I get a great salary and benefits. My life is nice. But who knows?”

  He sipped his wine. “That sounds a bit uncertain.”

  “Things happen,” she murmured. “Life has a way of changing drastically when we least expect it.” Kirstin was baiting him to talk about his feelings and opinions, but he reacted differently.

  “Such as the accident which killed your husband?”

  Her fork stopped in mid-air. She lowered it to her plate. “I was referring to that and to the incident that brought us together. For now I plan to remain where I am, but something could change my mind. If I had been badly injured in my accident, I would have been forced to alter my life, as you were. With the state of the economy and world problems, Medico could shut down; I could get fired or laid off; they could transfer me again to another research center; I could become disabled by my condition, or by another illness or accident. In the past eighteen months, I’ve learned that life can be cruel at times. Haven’t you?”

  “Absolutely, and change is hard. Downright painful at times.”

  “I have food in my stomach, so can I have a glass of wine now?” she inquired to get off the topic. She didn’t want anything depressing to spoil their evening.

  Christopher served her a glass of white zinfandel.

  “Do you still have feelings for David?”

  She almost strangled on the wine but she answered calmly. “I’m not grieving or pining for him, if that’s what you mean. I thought I was clear on what kind of man he was and how I felt about my past.”

  “Do you see other men? Anybody left behind in Georgia?”

  “I’ve dated, but I haven’t met anyone special, and I haven’t been looking for a replacement. I like my new life as it is,” she said, not wanting him to think she was husbandhunting if that was his worry.

  “You don’t like bachelors?”

  What facts are you searching for, Christopher? “Some are insufferable playboys, or mother’s boys, or worse. I met one who was looking for a cover for his gay lifestyle. Another had a violent temper which bordered on dangerous rage. Another’s list of conquests would circle this house ten times. Why women dated him more than once I’ll never guess. One bachelor couldn’t even go to the bathroom without asking his mother’s permission. One wanted to get married after two dates because it was time for him ‘to settle down and have children.’ I’ve raised mine and I don’t care to begin a new family at my age, especially with my health problems. I’ve met men who only wanted to spite ex-flames or ex-wives and some who wanted mothers for their kids or women to take care of them. I’ve met all kinds.”

  “So, you’re still looking for the right one?”

  “I haven’t been looking and I don’t intend to start. If and when it happens, great; if not, I’m doing fine. I have children, grandchildren, friends, and work to keep me happy and busy. How about filling me in on your lovelife? I’m sure it’s more colorful than mine.”

  “One more question?”

  “Spit it out, Doc.”

  “Did you ever think of doing anything besides research?”

  She hesitated before answering. “I wanted to be a surgeon.” She saw how he gaped at her. “It’s true. But when I was growing up, most women were pediatricians or OBGYNs or nurses in the operating room, not the surgeon. I was still dreaming about it when I went into research. I loved it. It was like finding my niche. I could do research and surgery, on animals of course.”

  “Ever been sorry you didn’t carry out that first dream?”.

  “No. Several times when an animal nearly died or did die during surgery or afterward, I was relieved it wasn’t a person. I don’t think I could handle that. It must be terrible to lose a patient and then wonder if you didn’t react quickly enough or in the right way. I can’t imagine walking out of that room to tell a waiting family that the patient didn’t make it.’ In all honesty, I know now I couldn’t do it. I have what I want from life.” Kirstin realized how her last sentence must have sounded but she did
n’t correct her words to mean only the job she wanted.

  “Coffee and dessert? I bought sugar-free cookies for you.”

  “No, thanks. You outdid yourself tonight, Doctor Harrison; that’s the best steak I’ve eaten anywhere.” She didn’t press when he evaded telling her about his past or current romances. No doubt he found it difficult to expose his feelings to another person. Besides, she didn’t want to appear overeager or demanding. Earlier, he had been more open and honest than she had expected. But she would like to make certain she had no rival. Who was the hateful woman on the telephone?

  “Thanks, Kirstin, for being you,” he murmured. “Good friends are hard to find.”

  She smiled. “Did I talk too much?”

  “Not enough. You’re absolutely fascinating.” He saw her glow with pleasure. “You amaze me. You’re level-headed and perceptive. You’ve worked hard to create a good life for yourself. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before.”

  She cleared her throat. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never received so many compliments before, at least not sincere ones. I’m glad I met you, Christopher Harrison; you’re good for a woman’s ego.”

  “Why don’t you go into the den and sit down while I clear the table? Equal rights, remember?”

  She laughed. “If you think for one minute I’ll demand to help because I’m a woman, you’re mistaken, Doctor Harrison. I think I’ll freshen up while you take care of the kitchen.”

  “Cold-hearted feminist,” he teased with a broad grin.

  “I am not. I’m just sticking to. our deal. When it’s my turn, I’ll whip you up some meals you’ll never forget.”

  “How about eleven of them, one every other day for the next three weeks? That would leave you two days to drive to San Diego and settle in before reporting to work on May fourth?”

  He had checked the calendar to see how long I could stay. “Is that an invitation to be a long-time house guest, Doctor Harrison?”