Taking Chances

by Taylor, Janelle

  Kirstin took a deep breath. “I’ve often wondered what my life would have been like if I’d never met David or never married him. Maybe I would have ‘ changed during my college years—become liberated sooner. From the beginning, David took control and trained me to his liking as if I were his puppet. I never thought about divorcing him and striking out on my own. If I had, my parents would have been disappointed and appalled because David had them blinded to his flaws. To make certain I didn’t consider it, he constantly talked about how expensive, complicated, and hard the world was; I thought then that his remarks were used to encourage the children to do their best to prepare themselves for those challenges, but I know now they were aimed at me to keep me down. If I’d left him, I’m sure he would have tried to destroy me.” Kirstin grimaced. “Women didn’t have the options they have now. I had no money of my own, not even a way to save any and hide it from him; he made certain of that. I had responsibilities to my children and parents; I didn’t want them to get hurt. It seemed easier to suffer in silence, to keep up the happy-couple charade.”

  Kirstin allowed the bitterness to surface. “After the children were grown, I could have gone back to work and left him, but that’s when Mother became ill. Daddy left her a nice estate but it was eaten up fast with medical bills. Plus, David, the executor of Daddy’s will, paid for the addition to our home and her daily support with Mother’s funds. By the time she passed away, David said there wasn’t any money left for me to inherit, nothing to use to break away from him. I couldn’t even sell her home because it was attached to ours. It was as if David was always outguessing me and blocking my path to freedom. After I recovered from Mother’s death and disposed of her possessions, I realized I had to make a fresh start, no matter what anyone said or thought. David died before I had to face that challenge.”

  Kirstin took a deep breath. “During that time, Katie was the only one who knew what I was planning, and she agreed it was the best thing for me. With a father like David, I’m lucky my children turned out so well. I suppose their friends helped them grow strong enough to not be harmed by his self-centered ways. He used me and the children and my parents to create the image he wanted. I became his property. He considered everything we owned as his. He never let me touch the money; he gave me a monthly allowance, and I had to account for where and how I spent every nickel. Like a fool, I did. Never again.”

  Christopher heard the tone of her last two words and realized how she’d used them several times.

  Kirstin went on as if in a daze. “Since his death, I’ve discovered that he earned plenty of money, but spent plenty financing his image and career. I’ve seen the records he kept locked up of how and where some of the money went, wasted on wooing clients and indulging himself while he balked at every cent I squeezed from him. He always wanted and demanded the best of everything; in a way, he had everything it should take to make one happy. But he never knew it; he was too busy looking and reaching higher for more. He made certain his friends and clients were well insured against tragedies and death, but he ignored his family’s financial needs. He had no investments, savings, or retirement fund for us. I know,” she murmured at his astonishment, “I could hardly believe it myself when I was told that grim news. Where it all went, your guess is as good as mine, or theirs. If women, gambling, or drugs were involved, there was no evidence or clues in any of his records.”

  “What did you do about the terrible mess he left you in? How could he be so stupid and cruel?” Christopher leaned forward and braced his palms on his thighs to listen to her response.

  “I tried to straighten it out without losing everything, which it looked as if I would for a while. His fifty-thousand-dollar life-insurance policy didn’t go far after I settled his debts and buried him. Within two weeks, I needed to get away from the house, so I put it up for sale. The girls agreed with that decision, but Steve had a fit. Katie, Sandi, and Cliff helped me convince him I couldn’t stay there because it was a financial drain.” The way he acted, you’d think he believed I had all that money hidden away!

  “By then, I’d learned there was a huge balance on our home mortgage that had to paid off; I only cleared six thousand from that transaction. I sold most of the furnishings, bought inexpensive and casual ones, and moved into a smaller place. The car, as I told you, was purchased from Sandi and Cliff before they went overseas. They gave me a good deal; that’s how I could afford it. My minivan was paid for, but it needed work and wasn’t worth much for trade-in. After the kids were gone, David didn’t think I needed a better car for my life—the grocery shopping, beauty salon, errands, et cetera. Sandi, Cliff, and Katie thought the red sports car would lift my spirits and give me confidence.” Not Steve, though. He’s still angry about some of my business decisions.

  “Does it?” Christopher asked with a grin to lighten her tension.

  Kirstin smiled. “Yes.” She had decided not to go into too much detail about her problems with her son tonight.

  “Didn’t you receive anything from the wreck that killed David?”

  “Not much; the other driver was uninsured. He was dirt poor, so there was no point in suing him. He had a wife and kids; I couldn’t bring myself to prosecute him. The crash was his fault, Christopher, but it was an understandable accident. If he’d been drunk or careless, I would have forced the issue. Katie, Sandi, and David’s company agreed with my decision to let the matter drop. Steve didn’t; he was upset about losing his father and wanted the man punished; I figured he’d change his mind when he settled down and would be sympathetic.”

  Christopher grasped that hadn’t been the case and that there were other strains between them. “So you filed on David’s insurance and company?”

  Tell him? Why not? “For some crazy reason, David had the bare minimum. UMC: 15/30/ 10. That’s irresponsible, especially for a man in the insurance business. The agent who delivered the bad news couldn’t venture a guess as to why a top man in the company didn’t have proper coverage. You can bet I have auto policies so my children wouldn’t be put in a bind, and thank heavens I took out life and health insurance before I was diagnosed as diabetic; if not, I couldn’t get coverage now, or without a sky-high rider or an exclusion clause.”

  “What do those initials and numbers mean?”

  “Uninsured Motorist’s Coverage, fifteen thousand for one person killed or injured, thirty maximum no matter how many people are in a car, and up to ten thousand on the vehicle. His Mercedes was totaled and he still owed the bank twenty thousand on it. I collected the fifteen plus ten, but I had to pay off twenty, so I only had five left. Actually I had fortyseven-fifty after the deductible. As you can see, that left little for daily expenses and to invest in my future or cover any medical needs I might incur. My health insurance won’t cover expenses for Type II Diabetes, and, as you know, monthly supplies and routine tests are expensive. I hope the ADA can get that changed; it isn’t fair. Some diabetics can’t take proper care of themselves because they can’t afford the monthly medical bills of three to five hundred dollars, plus the triyearly exams and tests.”

  Christopher hoped she wasn’t looking for a wealthy man to support her. He didn’t think so, but he had been wrong about Laura. He moved the topic away from her physical condition. “Why would he behave so … ‘irresponsibly,’ as you called it?”

  Kirstin shrugged and sighed as she recalled her exasperation during that arduous time. “I don’t know if it, was an oversight by David or if he simply assumed he had plenty of time left to get his business affairs in good shape. The worst part is the mystery about where all the money went. Even his checking account had only enough cash to pay for a few months’ bills. My lawyer and I couldn’t locate any hidden accounts or a safety deposit box. Unless something turns up one day, the money’s lost, or it was spent on God knows what. It was just something else David stole from me and the children. Our home should have been almost paid for, would have been if he hadn’t refinanced it last year without telling m
e and done something with the cash. Everything was in his name, so he didn’t need my signature for anything. The lawyer and accountant found it just as odd as I did that David left behind such a small estate, and they were astonished that I was so ignorant about our finances. But it’s the truth.”

  Christopher was assured of her honesty.

  “I’ll never be that stupid again. I was petrified to learn how to manage a budget and deal with all those men and papers. For a while, I feared I might be sent to jail for fraud or tax evasion or such, but the lawyer and accountant explained taxes and inheritance laws to me. Fortunately, David had been honest in those areas. He had a will, but it didn’t expose his secrets, just left me everything, including a mess. I was terrified the IRS would be suspicious of my claims and audit me. I didn’t know any better. Katie helped with the countless forms and meetings. There’s so much to do when someone dies, especially when you’ve been kept in the dark about finances. It’s crazy how your imagination runs wild when you’re ignorant and suffering.” She shuddered in remembrance of those fears. “I doubt my daughters would wind up in such a predicament; they learned a lot from my situation. When you’re married, everything should be owned and decided jointly. There shouldn’t be any secrets and selfishness. And a husband should prepare his wife to take over in the event of his illness or death. And she’d better have a skill to help her find work afterward if necessary.”

  Kirstin frowned. “But that’s off the subject. So you see, I always put everyone’s needs and wishes above my own. I was Jim and Mary’s daughter, then David’s wife, then the children’s mother. I lost my identity and dreams along the way. You asked if I’d changed. Yes, during my marriage for the worst and since my husband’s death for the better. A little over a year ago, I decided it was past time to learn how to take care of myself. I also decided it was my turn to come first for a while; I suppose that sounds silly and selfish and aggressive to a man.”

  Christopher lifted one hand to caress her flushed cheek with his fingers. “No, Kirstin, it doesn’t. I understand what you went through, because I had a sorry and shallow marriage myself.”

  She came to full alert. “You did?”

  “While I was a resident, I met a nurse named Laura who worked her charms on me like magic, like David did with you. I discovered too late she was only trying to capture a promising doctor who would earn lots of money and give her prestige. I divorced her six years ago. She’s remarried and living in Maryland with her new husband and kids. The man she dumped me for is a wealthy plastic surgeon, an old friend of mine: Harry Stoker. He gave her everything she wanted, more than I could, including a perfect face and body—he’s one of the best in his field.”

  “I’m sorry, Christopher; that must have hurt you deeply.”

  “It did, at first. No, I guess it humiliated and angered me more than anything. She was trying to coax Harry into taking her away from me. Being my supposed friend, he was resisting. Laura set it up for me to catch them in bed together so a decision would be forced on him.”

  Kirstin’s gasp of shock halted him a moment. “That’s right, I’m positive it was a trap for Harry. I’ll admit he loved her, but he married her fast to make sure my pain and his seemed worth what we both endured. I have to admit, I never believed Laura would ever be satisfied, but it appears she is. Unless I’m mistaken, they’re blissfully happy together. I made plenty of money and we lived high; I was a busy and noted surgeon; I could heal about anybody, but it wasn’t enough for her. Maybe I wasn’t enough for her. Before you ask, I have no emotional ties to Laura; I realized later, it had been over between us for a long time. Maybe I was as much to blame as she was; maybe I also chose her and used her as the ‘perfect wife’ to help me on my climb upward.”

  Where did that crazy remark come from! Yet, it felt genuine to him. He admitted to himself that he’d always put the blame on Laura for their failed marriage, but maybe some of it was his fault. He’d made her out a villainess in his mind when perhaps she’d only been misguided. His ex-wife appeared changed for the better; Laura had matured, softened, become compassionate. She and Harry had been wrong and selfish, but it was past time to forgive them as she’d pleaded in her recent letter and time to stop letting the past hurt him. Kirstin is really changing you!

  Kirstin wanted to ask if a fight with Harry or Laura had injured his hand. She waited for him to continue.

  “I threw myself into my work and I dated countless women, was a party animal for a while. The only thing I’m glad about is that I didn’t mislead or intentionally hurt any of those women. My work was fulfilling, but I never met any woman who got to me, until you were dropped in my lap. We have a lot in common, Kirstin, and we enjoy each other. I think we can become good friends. I want to get to know you better.”

  Tingles raced over her. She tried not to sound tonguetied or to blush as she said, “I’ve told you all about me, except about my problems with Steve. I’ll explain those later. Why don’t you continue?”

  “Four years ago, there was a traffic pile-up on Interstate-83 near Baltimore where I lived at the time. Some of the victims were brought to Johns Hopkins where I practiced. I wasn’t on duty that night, but I was at the hospital. I needed to check on a nervous patient I was operating on the next morning and I had to pick up notes for a paper I was writing for a medical journal. They summoned me to Emergency and put me in charge of the woman who had caused the chain reaction of wrecks.”

  Kirstin watched dark sullenness engulf him. His green gaze narrowed and chilled. His tone was cold and bitter.

  “She was cut up badly and bleeding like a stuck pig, but that wasn’t the main problem; she was high on a combination of drugs and hysterical with pain and confusion. She was ranting and raving because her boyfriend had dumped her for another woman, after emptying their apartment and bank account. All she wanted to do was get out of there, find him, and rip him to shreds with her fingernails. We couldn’t get it through her dazed head that she was hurt and needed treatment or that she couldn’t leave because she was under arrest. There was a cop posted outside the door to make certain she didn’t get away. She was a wild woman, flooded with adrenaline and strong as an ox. She was beating on the two nurses and fighting with me, but we couldn’t sedate her because of the drugs, not until we got a blood sample and its results. We called for an orderly to help subdue her, but he arrived too late. So did the cop when he heard the ruckus. She grabbed a scalpel off the setup tray and sliced the wrist, fingers, and palm of my left hand several times before we got her under control and tied down. What she severed, Kirstin, was my career, the love of my life.”

  She knew not to say, I’m sorry, so she listened and observed.

  He held up his left hand, rolled up his sleeve, and showed her the damage as he talked. “Neuropathy: permanent nerve damage in my wrist, palm, and three of my fingers. She sliced through nerves, tendons, and ligaments, and severed the artery. Most of that was repaired through a series of surgeries over a year’s time. I had therapy, too, but it didn’t restore the full use of my hand, not to the point of my being able to perform delicate surgery. Valuable time was lost before a surgeon could get to me. I have a permanent loss of feeling and function in some areas, so I can’t hold or control instruments; I can’t even close my hand completely, and I drop small things all the time. When I realized my career was over and I got tired of the sympathy, I became a rancher and country doctor. Sometimes I can’t even stand to hear about or watch anything pertaining to surgery, especially micro and heart surgery. I was in my prime, but that … witch stole my life from me. To make it worse, a lawyer got her off on temporary insanity. She ruined lives and cost people a bundle of money, then walked away unpunished, free as a bird. It was the first time I was tempted to take a life instead of saving one, at least beat the hell out of her.”

  Kirstin fretted over the violent streak in Christopher. He had not dealt with his tragic past, and that worried her. Yet, how could he seem so kind and compassionate
if he truly were cruel and vindictive? Wasn’t it only natural to be resentful of such losses?

  Christopher realized he must be sounding evil to her; he forced a calm tone. “I received a big insurance check, so I had no money worries. ‘Preferred Disability,’ they called it. Covers eighty percent of lost income until I’m sixty-five. They gave me total disability instead of partial because I can’t do my chosen occupation: surgery. But there are some things money can’t buy or replace. If I had my way, I’d rather be a poor surgeon than a rich rancher.”

  “But you’re doing wonderful work here as a doctor. The locals need you and love you. The ranch is prosperous. You have a daughter who’s doing well for herself, too. You have a lot to be greatful for, Christopher.”

  “You’re right, Kirstin, and I am. But I can’t help feeling denied of the thing I loved most, besides my daughter. After I was forced to retire, Peggy wanted to move close to me, but I convinced her that was foolish because she and Phil were already engaged and getting married soon. Her wedding was one of my last public appearances, you might say. Friends, colleagues, and acquaintances were always pitying me and giving me advice. It’s amazing how nosy and insensitive or ignorant some people can be when you’re down on your luck. I heard, ‘You can always teach or do research’ so many times that I was turned against both of them.”

  “Have you ever reconsidered that decision?” She saw him frown.

  “I need better control of my left hand to do research; my overworked right one can’t do everything that’s necessary. I can’t hold test tubes, or use instruments, or do animal surgery, and anything similar with only one good hand. If an assistant has to do everything for me, why go into research? It’s foolish.”

  Kirstin was tempted to point out how well he did when he was treating her, and waiting on her, but she knew he wasn’t in the mood to hear that, not yet … She would love to be his assistant, his other hand. It would be fantastic to share a lab, do experiments together, and—