Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews

by Amazon Reviewers

  Great addition to my butt collection

  By C Lange, May 31, 2013

  This goes well with my cat butt collection. Anxious to see if a possum one will be available soon. Uncap a cold PBR and let the good times come to you. Only downfall is I have to mount it on something and can’t just carry it around. Would come in handy while hunting or even in the big city to impress the ladies. Butt pocket version?

  Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0044LZ1PA

  4.3 out of 5 stars

  Name: Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

  ASIN: B0044LZ1PA

  Price: $49,999.95

  Be the first in the United States to own one of the finest relaxation devices invented. Used in health clinics all over Europe. Designed by the world famous Biotonus Clinic in Switzerland, specifically for relaxation and stress reduction. The custom designed Relaxman is completely heat-, light-, and soundproof, providing total isolation for the ideal environmental therapy. Inside, the heated water mattress stays at body temperature while soothing, preprogrammed music and lights take you into a deep state of relaxation. Research shows that a 50-minute rest in the negative-ion-enriched atmosphere effectively helps reduce tension, anxiety, depression, and fatigue. Also helps combat jet lag and sleep imbalance. 10’ L × 5’6” W × 4’6” H. Relaxman will be shipped from Switzerland to your door with separate charges to be estimated based on location. (Current shipping costs are just estimates and may actually be lower or higher than quoted.) This is a special order item and subject to possible delivery delays.

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  Good product, should come predecorated

  By Danny L, August 14, 2013

  I bought the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule on an impulse, having always loved small, dark enclosures and general, uncomfortable confinement, as well as the feeling of waking up after drinking too much and not remembering where I am. I was far from disappointed with the product (except for a mix-up in shipping driving me to attempt my own Cardboard Relaxation Unit out of frustrated excitement), but I must admit that it came with unintended consequences, as I am now living in my Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. I quickly ran out of “wall” space, but it now has all the familiarities my former home had, thanks to all the pictures of Steve Buscemi I’ve aesthetically placed within my field of vision to give myself strength in these trying (but relaxing) times.

  7 of 8 people found the following review helpful

  Many Uses

  By B-Money, January 14, 2013

  I received one of these capsules as a gag gift in a white elephant game this past Christmas. I was pretty upset I was stuck with the Relaxation Capsule instead of the highly-desired Barry Manilow cassette tape collection (I was only two people away from getting the collection, but it was already traded twice!). When I got the relaxation capsule into our backyard, I thought I’d give it a try. I was amazed out how, after just 49 minutes in the capsule, I had totally forgot about the Barry Manilow cassette collection. I was so impressed, I bought a few more capsules for the rest of the family. I really like the fact that the locking mechanism is reversible; I can lock myself inside to keep others out, or I can lock my kids inside when I want to relax on the couch to watch my soaps on TV. I have also learned that a hacksaw, some bicycle tires, and a decent amount of duct tape and coat hangers turns the capsule into a great sidecar on a motorcycle or even a slick-looking go-cart. Just make sure your window you cut out is large enough to see in the blind spots. I almost sent an old man to his capsule 8 feet under when I nearly T-boned his station wagon the other day. I would recommend the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule to anyone looking for…uhh…relaxation.

  70 of 71 people found the following review helpful

  Great product for weekend getaways

  By ernie “Lineman_8144”, July 8, 2012

  This capsule has answered all of our babysitting needs. If you are like us, it is hard to find a babysitter for your rotten mongrels. Not only do they defecate on the floors, but their language is atrocious. With this fantastic product, me and the Mrs. can toss the rug rats in the capsule and go about our weekend jet setting. Don’t let your kids hold you back anymore. This is well worthy of the 5 stars.

  Zenith Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001K3IXW8

  3.7 out of 5 stars

  Name: Zenith Men’s 96.0529.4035/51.M Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch

  ASIN: B001K3IXW8

  Price: $81,779.99

  An extreme timepiece that defies the imagination and pushes the boundaries of luxurious style. Featuring solid but lightweight titanium construction and high-end features such as automatic movement, hesalite crystal, and a deployment clasp place this watch in the all-time pantheon of prestigious timepieces.

  Zenith was created in 1865 by Georges Favre-Jacot, who, at age 22, was one of the first watchmakers to understand the importance of the principle of interchangeable parts. It’s said that one night after Jacot finished a movement he considered almost perfection, he went out and looked at the stars, feeling them almost speak to him. He saw the gigantic constellation turning around the polestar, similar in the complexity to the movements of a watch’s pivots and wheels on their axes. He decided then to call his new movement and its manufacture after the word that designates the highest point in the universe, Zenith. The star was adopted as a brand symbol, as it is still today. By the time Jacot stopped working in 1929, Zenith had made watch history, winning grand prix medals for timekeeping precision at international expositions in Geneva, Paris, Barcelona, and Neuchâtel. In 1969, the company gained renown for introducing the world’s first automatic chronograph movement, the El Primero. Oscillating at 36,000 alternations per hour, the El Primero was able to measure short intervals to a tenth of a second, an unsurpassed world record. In 1995, Zenith launched a new generation of ultra-thin chronographs, the Elite, recently voted best mechanical movement by the professional press. Since its beginning, Zenith has been recognized with more than 1,565 first-observatory prizes in chronometry, making it the Swiss brand most rewarded for precision.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  250 of 277 people found the following review helpful

  Words can’t explain

  By A. Houwing “A. Houwing”, October 7, 2010

  I finally received my watch after 8 days (not wanting to pay an extra $ for express shipping). As I opened the 24-carat-gold box and viewed the watch for the very first time, I heard the faint sound of angels singing. It was the closest thing to an out-of-body experience. I could not wait to wear it to work the next day and show all of my coworkers at the sanitation department. The next morning, as I was driving to work, I looked into my rearview mirror and noticed a school bus weaving in and out of traffic and going at an excessive rate of speed. As it passed by me doing over 100 mph, I realized that the brakes on the school bus were not working. This was horrible, as the bus was loaded with small children. I knew that I had to do something quick, as it was headed for a bad curve along a 200-foot cliff! I sped up and got right behind the bus. Just when it crashed through the guardrail and hurled over the edge of the cliff, I pressed the “stop time” button on my new Zenith Men’s 96.0529.4035/51.M Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch. Everything around me simply froze in time except myself and my car. I exited my car, opened the back emergency door of the bus, and carried every child out to safety. During this, I did stop for a brief moment and ate lunch from one of the lunch boxes that had fallen to the floor. I then started time back into movement, and the bus hurled over the cliff into a huge ball of flames. Forty-eight children lived that day due to my Zenith watch. Thank you, Zenith.

  223 of 247 people found the following review helpful

  Almost as good as it gets. Almost

  By Mr. Twisted, June 30, 2010

  I think a proper review of this watch needs to
be done categorically.

  Awesomeness: As one reviewer succinctly put it, this watch is more awesome than Chuck Norris riding Godzilla. However, that statement indicates that the reviewer clearly has not realized the full awesomeness of the watch, as depicted by its “Pandora Setting,” whereby a holographic image of Chuck Norris suplexing Gandhi is displayed in full scale. When I first saw it I thought, Yeah, that’s pretty awesome, but what if I want him to do something different like punching Rosie O’Donnell in the face? Well, my friends, that option can be downloaded straight from the watch’s own satellite.

  Value: Poor people can’t buy it, which makes it automatically better. The sad-face expressions on people at the soup kitchen when I show it off are beyond priceless. One time I made a guy think I was going to give it to him because he liked it, but then I was like, “Naw, man. You would probably just sell it and buy a house or something. That’s lame.”

  Ability to conquer foreign lands: This watch actually caused several earthquakes in third-world countries when I set my alarm for multiple time zones.

  Ability to offend hippies: It offends hippies. All of them.

  Ability to offend bleeding-heart whiners: This one chick was like, “You could sell that and build a house for poor people!” And I was like, “Yeah, I totally could. But that would be stupid because then I wouldn’t have this awesome watch.” She was upset, which was pretty cool.

  Ability to cure disease: If everyone bought this watch, absolutely no money would go to disease research and all the people with disease would die, so all the disease would die with them. It’s sound logic and in the owner’s manual for the watch.

  Ability to stop terrorists: I would say that Jack Bauer wears this watch, but this watch actually wears Jack Bauer as an accessory.

  Faults: There is only one fault with this watch—that it is priced low enough for wannabes and posers to buy it. I want a watch that only the most elite can afford; I don’t want to see Joe Blow wearing this watch, because then I would have to throw it away. That’s why it got four stars instead of five. Also, I bought two of them because I like to put them both in a cage and watch them fight for my love.

  177 of 201 people found the following review helpful

  Did not get me the attention I deserved

  By Meredith Bergin Bailey, March 16, 2010

  When I bought this watch, I was hoping that all my rich friends would flock to me in jealousy. But no one recognizes this freaking watch! They keep fawning over so-and-so’s Rolex and so-and-so’s Cartier. I had to hire a guy to interrupt me at the country club with, “Excuse me, is that the Zenith Men’s Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch that’s worth $145,000 and truly sets you apart as a god among men? Attention, everyone. This man is wearing a watch that is worth more than my house!” So when you buy, make sure you click on the “frequently bought together” link that will include a servant to praise your watch around your friends and at cocktail parties and wherever you need to show people that you are better than them.

  778 of 849 people found the following review helpful

  Great watch, but not without shortcomings

  By Cletus, January 26, 2012

  After a rather painful and embarrassing mishap with the Emma Boston Terrier—10 × 10 Iron-On Heat Transfer For White Material I decided to splurge on myself at Christmas. Noticing that the price had dropped on this watch, I figured it was time to purchase…time. Man, this watch is awesome, does everything it’s supposed to do, is dead-on accurate, attractive, etc. Really, for the watch itself—5 stars. But it’s imperfect in its perfection. It’s TOO accurate. So now my phone rings, like…every day. Some dude from the International Meridian Conference, in Greenwich, UK: “What time do YOU have?” Every freakin’ day. And really early in the morning, too.

  I was all “Geezus, do you KNOW what time it is?” the first couple of times they woke me up, until I realized that…they didn’t. “GMT is an absolute time reference,” my *ss. My wrist is apparently the “absolute time reference” now. Which is a lot of power for one person to wield. And I AM only human, even when I’m wearing the watch.

  I was feeling lazy the other morning, and didn’t feel like rushing out of the house, and I confess I abused the power. So when they called, I told them it was actually 17 minutes, 28 seconds EARLIER than it really was. Messed things up, but good, for the rest of the planet (sorry!), but I got to finish the paper and have a second cup of coffee and didn’t get docked for being late when I got to the office. So—totally worth it. No worries, though. I have a plan. I’ll gradually put those 17 minutes and 28 seconds BACK, over a 2-week span of phone calls. Because my watch says that I CAN.

  What Does This Say?

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345470303

  4.6 out of 5 stars

  Name: What Does This Say? (Paperback)

  ASIN: 345470303

  Price: $13.50

  Another collection of the heartwarming and hilarious Family Circus cartoons of Bil Keane, featured daily in nearly 1,500 newspapers worldwide!

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  8 of 8 people found the following review helpful

  It’s like chocolate for your eyeballs

  By Johnny Tremain, July 28, 2011

  To experience Family Circus, is to stare into the face of God himself. I recently spent a long hot summer afternoon outdoors wrapped in a camouflaged snuggie, with a piping hot mug of Swiss Miss in one hand, and this book delicately splayed open in the other. Exploring the subtle complexities of this, yet another, Keansian masterpiece, prompted me to re-examine everything I thought I knew about the universe and my place in it. This flash of genius, known only as Family Circus, is truly why the caged bird sings. Indeed, this work of art makes Maya Angelou look like an illiterate hobo upstart who, as they say, does not have her tray table in the fully upright and locked position. Keane can flash me with his genius any time. Although his works have been callously relegated to the category of “comics,” this underappreciation and lack of recognition of something so worth recognizing, only serves to highlight the poignant, philosophically-laden messages contained within his short quips, and the plight of humankind in general. If only I could liquefy this book and take a bath in it, I would achieve total nirvana.

  62 of 68 people found the following review helpful

  The secret revealed!!!

  By Johny Bottom “Insane and lonely guitarist”, December 20, 2007

  Hear me people! The scribble on the front cover held up by PJ is not an original scribble! I knew I had seen it before, but I could not quite place it. Finally like a bolt of lightning, I sat up in bed at 2:45 AM and knew where I saw that scribble! I quickly opened my bottom drawer and pulled out my copy of the Necronomican. It was right there on page XVIII!! I only had two hours before I started my shift at McDonald’s. It was Thursday morning and that meant I had to be there very early to unload the truck delivery. I looked at the cover of this Family Circus book and could not unlock my gaze on Jeffy. “What does this say?” “What does this say?” “What does this say?” It mocked me, it called me, it demanded my attention. Then from out of nowhere I got an idea. I opened this Family Circus novel to the LAST page. I then proceeded to read the book BACKWARD! Then true horror struck my heart. Start with the last cartoon, write down the last letter of each caption and work your way backward to the first cartoon where Dolly is trying to take the skin off a cupcake. When you have all the letters written down, this message will appear…“Thel is the goddess of lust and desire. She lives for the pleasure of the flesh. Prices slashed at Jerrys, all items must go. Buy one spatula get one free.” Cold chills ran up and down my spine as I deciphered the what I now call the “Da Keane Code.” I have quit my job at McDonald’s and now work full time at home with a mountain of Family Circus books, the Necronomican, and the Book of Revelation. I believe I can pinpoint the exact time of the Rapture. I will report my findings as I discover them.

  9
of 15 people found the following review helpful

  The Twentieth-Century American Ideal Deconstructed

  By J. Kowalski “mumon”, November 7, 2008

  Bill Keane seriously created culture, a mirror to suburban American life in the mid-20th century. This critique was something that was fittingly read once a week on the day one would regularly spend mornings worshiping a guy who was nailed to some wood for having the temerity to say that people should be nice to each other. It was telling though that the words and terms such as “napalm,” “CIA,” “assassination,” “race riot,” “LSD,” “lynching” and a whole host of terms were kept out of Keane’s hermetically sealed idyllic world. Keane was a subtle propagandist, but let’s face it, it’s not BS-ing to say this. Keane was “safe,” unlike the guy who did Zippy the Pinhead. But I get more of a kick out of reading Zippy to my kids than I ever would with Keane. Kids ran around with dotted lines marking their trails though.

  Maisto Fresh Metal Tailwinds

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004JFMOGK

  3.4 out of 5 stars

  Name: Maisto Fresh Metal Tailwinds, 1:97-Scale, Die-Cast United States Military Aircraft—US Air Force Medium-Altitude, Long-Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator with Display Stand (Dimensions: 6” × 3 ½” × 1”)

  ASIN: B004JFMOGK

  Price: $28.99

  The RQ-1 Predator is an unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV) the United States Air Force describes as a MALE (medium-altitude, long-endurance) UAV system. It can serve in a reconnaissance role and fire two AGM-114 Hellfire missiles. The aircraft, in use since 1995, has seen combat over Afghanistan, Pakistan, Bosnia, Serbia, Iraq, and Yemen. It is remote controlled by humans so is therefore not an autonomous aircraft.