Underwood, Scotch, and Cry

by Brian Meeks

  Arthur had decided his No drinking before ten in the morning rule was more of a guideline.

  It had actually started out as a pretty good day. Landon Barton wrote a really nice review and even said that he may have been too harsh on his original Killing Hemingway review. The other article in the New York Times wasn't long, but it did give an accurate account of how the first day had gone.

  There had been a better than expected bounce in the sales, and both Arthur and Kat let the possibility that things weren't as bad as they had thought creep into the conversation. It was short lived.

  Kat brought up The Magellan Apocalypse: Map Runners on Amazon and noticed some new reviews, all bad. At first, it seemed like an anomaly because a short while later another five-star review showed up, but then within a half hour there were a bunch more one stars.

  "This is crap," Kat said.

  "I've had bad reviews before. It's part of the game. Not everyone is going to like my little space adventure."

  "Yes, but these aren't real reviews."

  "There isn't any law that says they need to love the story. Just because someone doesn't like my work doesn't mean their opinion isn't valid," Arthur said, playing the devil's paralegal.

  "Look, this one from Sally McEwen reads, 'It was poorly written. I hated it. Don't waste your money.' And when you click on her name, it's her first review."

  "I remember my first time. Ironically enough, her name was Sally, too. She had really big..."

  "You're not taking this seriously."

  "Or was it Sarah?"

  "All the one-star reviews are by people who've never written a review before."

  "Well, this did get a lot of press. Maybe they're new to e-book reading?"

  "This one from Derrick Sloan-Cooper just says 'boring,' and it's his first review, too."

  "Wait, did you say Derrick Sloan-Cooper?"

  "Was he your second?"

  "Okay, I deserved that," Arthur said, walking around behind Kat, putting his hands on her shoulders and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Let me see more of those one-star reviews."

  Kat scrolled down, and after Arthur read a few more of the names he said, "He's a bastard."

  "I think that last one was a woman."

  "No, I mean these are all from James. Those names are minor characters in his books."

  This made Kat really furious, unlike anything he'd seen before. Her rage was so pure in its focus on James that Arthur did the only thing that made sense. He made a screwdriver for them both.

  Kat took a sip. "I think mine needs a little more screw in it," and held out the glass.

  Arthur added a bit more vodka. "Is there any sort of appeals process we can go through with Amazon?"

  "Yes, but it's really hard to get them to take down bad reviews. It's worth a try, though. What I really want to do is show the world that James Walcott is a bastard."

  Chapter Forty

  Winifred hadn't been to the Lucky Bird before, and she liked it immediately. Barry had said he thought she would, and he was right. The décor was mostly Asian, but there were also about a dozen electric guitars signed by some of the pioneers of rock and roll.

  The menu was just as eclectic, with ten pages of traditional Chinese food, one page of sushi, and on the last page "the best Southern fried chicken north of the Mason-Dixon line."

  Barry read the bit about the chicken. "The owner is a brilliant chef who fell in love with a woman from Georgia. It's her mother who taught him the recipe. I honestly struggle to decide between the chicken and the other dishes, which are all amazing, every time. He also does Thai food, but it's not on the menu."

  "How did you find this place? I mean, you can't even see the front door from the street."

  "My dad brought me here for my eighteenth birthday. It was just after they opened, and he knows the owner somehow."

  The waitress filled their water glasses and asked if they needed more time. Winifred said she did, but what she was really thinking was she needed more time before she served up the honesty she'd been dreading all day.

  She loved how happy Barry was to share his favorite restaurant with her. After they ordered, he told a story about a time his mother, father, eldest sister, and he had come here when he was twenty or twenty-one. His mother, who rarely drank, enjoyed the plum wine a little more than she should have, and her normally serious demeanor let a bit of a playful side show through. He said she was never quite so stern after that.

  Not long after the food arrived, Winifred found the courage to tell Barry everything. His reaction was nothing like she'd imagined. He simply took her hand and told her everything would be all right, and that her shoes looked really nice. It was an inside joke from their second date, and for the first time all day Winifred smiled.

  The next three hours were spent eating, drinking and holding hands while Winifred told every story she could remember about how much of a jerk James Walcott had been since she started working for him.

  By the time they left the restaurant, holding hands and walking toward Central Park, she didn't feel so bad about her stolen book. A boyfriend was better than a book.

  It had been a long day by the time Arthur and Kat decided to turn in for the night. Even Maltese seemed worn out.

  Decked out in a pair of Arthur's sweatpants and a Clint Black tee shirt, Kat crawled into bed and lay her head on his chest. "I'm afraid that my well of ideas has run dry."

  Arthur stroked her hair. "I'm not really thirsty for winning this battle anymore. How do you feel about dating a starving artist...we are dating, right? I mean, we've never..."

  "I'll change my Facebook status in the morning."

  "What is it now?"

  "Searching for prince charming."

  "And tomorrow?"

  "I've found a frog that's close enough."

  Arthur laughed harder than he had in years. She got him. And any story that has a guy like him getting a gal like her is definitely one with a happy ending.

  He brought his hand up under her chin and pulled her toward him for a kiss. She had the loveliest eyes, and Arthur stared at them as he thanked God for all that he had. "I'm going to wave the white flag tomorrow."

  "But there's still a lot of time left."

  "His pre-orders have Beautiful Gears ranked number two overall on Amazon, number one on Barnes & Noble, iBooks, Nook, Google Play, and I'm sure there are bookstores lining up to make a fancy display on the day it comes out. If he doesn't beat me on day one, he will have such a lead we'll never catch him. I'd rather just move on and get back to writing."

  "That's a very grown-up attitude. It sounds odd coming from you, though."

  "Despite my best efforts to avoid growing up, you've managed to make it happen. I'm just going to have to live with it, I guess."

  "We gave it a good go, though. I don't have any regrets. You?"

  "Just one."

  "Oh?"

  "Yeah, the Clint Black tee is my favorite and..."

  Kat smiled and sat up, pulling it over her head. "Is that better?"

  "Much."

  "Here's your precious tee," she said, handing it to Arthur.

  He chucked it across the room and pulled her back into his arms.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Mr. Jensen personally escorted Arthur and Kat to a table in the back. The lunch crowd was bigger than Arthur could remember.

  "Arthur, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but if it's any consolation, the subscriptions to Le Salon have doubled since your press conference, and you, my friend, now have a lifetime membership with an unlimited tab that I'm going to pick up."

  "I'll drink to that. Thanks."

  A moment later, Barry arrived with Winifred, who seemed nervous.

  Arthur stood and welcomed them. "Barry told me what James did to you and also that you quit your job this morning."

  "I'm so sorry."

  "No need. The book business can be pretty cutthroat, and it was my big mouth that got us all into this mess. I
'm moving on."

  "It's just hard to stomach that he's going to get away with it."

  "Let's not talk about that. So, I'm looking for an assistant. I suddenly have need of someone who can keep me on track so I can publish a lot more books. I've had a recent financial downturn and need to get to work. Are you interested?"

  "Yes!"

  Drinks were brought around, and the sullen mood shifted toward happy. Barry announced that he had finished a new screenplay, and he was quite sure it was his best work. Kat raised a glass and toasted Barry.

  The laughing and good cheer stopped when James walked in with his entourage. He was dressed head to toe in the latest summer line of arrogant bastard.

  Arthur stood. "Thanks for coming, James. Please, have a seat." He pointed at the table across from theirs.

  "So, have you come here to wave the white flag and admit that you're no match for my pen or my genius?"

  "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have."

  James grinned and looked at Kat. "Perhaps you'd like to trade up, now?"

  Kat didn't respond.

  "Oh, I see my former assistant has joined you. You seem to fit right in here, Winifred."

  Winifred didn't say a word. She just glared at him.

  One of James's crew, a woman with pink and green hair had her phone out and was videoing James. He said, "I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to have such a historic event captured for posterity."

  Arthur stood and walked over to James and held his head low. "I suppose you've earned that right. It's up to you."

  James said, "Whenever you're ready."

  Arthur cleared his throat. "Earlier this year, here at The Salon De Paris, I picked a fight with this man, acclaimed author James Walcott. I said some terrible things and questioned his ability to write. It got heated after that and a writing challenge was made. We wagered one million dollars, which if I won, I was planning on giving to charity. I don't know James’s plan, but the point is we set out to prove who was the better writer.

  "My book, The Magellan Apocalypse: Map Runners came out a few days ago, and though I beat the release of Beautiful Gears by a month, the pre-sales have made it clear that my first foray into science fiction will not be nearly as successful as the brilliant book Beautiful Gears.

  "Yes, I've read it and have to admit it was better than my effort. I'm here today to admit on camera for the world to see that I've learned a valuable lesson. James Walcott is not the horrible author I had claimed...he's not an author at all...Beautiful Gears was written by Winifred Grave and stolen by her boss, James Walcott."

  "That's preposterous. I'll sue you for slander and grind you into the ground, Byrne."

  "Furthermore, not only did he not write the book, he's been trashing mine with one-star reviews. There are dozens, and all seem to have the names of characters from his other works."

  James screamed. "Turn that damn camera off."

  The pink and green-haired woman just stepped back and kept filming. "This is YouTube gold."

  "You don't have any proof. I'm going to sue you for everything you have and see you rot in jail."

  A voice from the back said, "Go right ahead, James, but I for one will be testifying on Arthur's behalf."

  James turned around. "Landon, what are you doing here?"

  "I got a call yesterday from my new friend Barry. He had the most salacious story to tell, and I do love a bit of gossip."

  "They're lying, all of them."

  "You know, I found it strange when I read the advance reader copy you sent me that the main protagonist was a strong female. You've never used women for more than titillation in your novels. You're a narcissist and sexist through and through."

  "Don't believe them."

  "Oh, but I do, and here's the proof," Landon said, pulling out Winifred's leather journal. "She started writing Beautiful Gears by hand."

  "She obviously did that after she decided to quit as some sort of revenge. Winifred has had a ridiculous school girl crush on me for years. She's a bitter, foolish girl."

  "You're done, James. I have a massive notebook full of character sketches, and the files from her laptop with time stamps showing her writing the novel. And I have one more thing," Landon said, turning around.

  Billy, Sue, and Maren entered.

  "You see, they're all willing to testify that not only did you not write Beautiful Gears, you hired them to not write your book from the beginning. You're a fraud, and you're done."

  James grabbed a wine glass and threw it at Landon, who moved out of the way. He bolted for the door, but two uniformed members of the New York Metro Police blocked his way.

  Arthur made a motion for the woman with the camera to point it back at him. He held up his phone. "Less than an hour ago, I received a message from James's publisher. They've pulled the book and will be issuing a full apology to Winifred. They've also pulled the rest of his novels until they can be sure he was the author."

  The woman with the camera said in her best journalist voice. "I guess this makes you the winner. What will you do with the money?"

  "If the day ever comes that he pays up, I'll let you know. Now, would you and the rest of James's friends like to join us for lunch?"

  James's former friends accepted Arthur's invitation. Lunch bled into happy hour, and that led to a long evening of song and celebration.

  The new lunch guests used their phones to go online and delete the horrible reviews they'd left about The Magellan Apocalypse: Map Runners, and they all bought pre-orders of Asin's Hope. It was the best apology Arthur could think of, and he accepted it by buying lots of champagne for all.

  As closing time neared, Arthur and Kat floated around the dance floor, and he whispered, "Thanks for getting me through this."

  "You're welcome. Hopefully, you'll keep yourself out of trouble in the future."

  "After talking with Barry, I'm thinking I might like to try a screenplay. I mean, how much trouble could I get into in Hollywood, right?"

  Kat smiled, confident that whatever came next, it would be an adventure.

  The End

  Letter From Brian

  Dear Reader,

  Thanks so much for giving Underwood, Scotch, and Cry a read. I hope you enjoyed my snarky look at the world of Indie Publishing.

  You might be curious if the book Arthur was working on really exists. Well, it does! In fact, Arthur Byrne has published three books in The Magellan Apocalypse series.

  •Book 1: Map Runners (FREE - Click Here)

  •Book 2: Asin’s Hope

  •Book 3: Red Swarm

  Naturally, the next question would be what about Beautiful Gears? Well, Winifred, with the help of Arthur, has finished Beautiful Gears and it should be available in the fall of 2016.

  Arthur Byrne has also written a delightful book called Killing Hemingway. One reader described it as “A bedtime story for adults.”

  As for me, Brian D. Meeks, I’ve written a few others too and would be thrilled if you gave them a try.

  •Henry Wood Detective Agency

  •Henry Wood: Time and Again

  •Henry Wood: Perception

  •Henry Wood: Edge of Understanding

  •A Touch to Die For

  •Secret Doors: The Challenge

  •Underwood, Scotch, and Wry

  Happy Reading,

  Brian D. Meeks