MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED

by Violet Shaw

  “I can’t since I have my girlfriend with me tonight, but my friend is still available!” At the same time, he gestured toward Frank, who was indeed available, and thanks to his cynicism, would in all likelihood remain so.

  The women looked at him in dismay; their enthusiasm had become disappointment and indignation. They gave Jason hateful looks.

  But Jason snorted with laughter, and his laugh sounded disdainful, mean, and cruel.

  He really enjoyed making the girls angry and watching them run aground.

  Valerie was more and more taken aback by the situation. Who had she gotten involved with here?!

  He was the greatest ass whom she had ever met, who was totally in love with himself.

  She swore to herself that she would never allow him to belittle her, to get her down.

  She wouldn’t put up with his act. She was a strong woman, in control of her situation, who wouldn’t allow herself to be intimidated by a man.

  He would find her to be a hard nut to crack.

  If she hadn’t put her baggage in his car already, she would have definitely stood him up this evening. But now she didn’t have much choice other than to go into the lion’s lair.

  Oh, such dire proverbs – how will sex with him turn out?!

  Inwardly she felt a shudder at the thought of having to have sex with him.

  But Jason was apparently now in his element; he was playing at being aloof, with the deliberate intention of arousing her interest. Later he told Valerie in passing, with a certain coolness in his voice and without blinking:

  “If I’m really hot for a woman, I stand by when she’s at it with someone else and she’s getting really off on it. And then I have to watch and suffer.”

  He avoided looking at her, and with an expression of boredom on his face, looked at the floor instead.

  His words didn’t miss the mark in their effect on her.

  At first his admission frightened her. She was irritated in light of such a statement.

  And she wondered about this inappropriate, seemingly out of the blue admission.

  Why did he mention this precisely now, shortly before they were to have sex for the first time?

  Was he completely broken and messed up and not interested in normal sex any longer? Or did he only want to make himself seem important and shock her a little bit?

  At the same time she also found his idea of sex and lust interesting and it aroused her.

  On the other hand, she was overcome by the feeling that he would ask too much of her with his sexual desires. She wasn’t ready for that, at least at this point in time.

  She sensed that she wouldn’t do justice to his unbridled lust and would never be able to satisfy him completely. And this was only the beginning! What could she anticipate would happen to her thereafter?!

  Valerie had the vague feeling that she would cross a border with him, a border that she was not yet ready to cross.

  And although Jason had just seriously irritated Valerie, she tried to be as indifferent as possible, and to answer him on the same cool conversational level as his:

  “Oh, yes, and you’ve never experienced that?” she responded, taking pains to sound as matter-of-fact as possible, as if she herself practiced what he described on a daily basis.

  “No, not really.”

  “Oh, so she only did it for you?”

  “Yes, more or less.”

  “Well, then, it’s really nothing.”

  Both looked at their glasses without a word, trying hard to convince the other of their respective coolness and hardened selves.

  She sensed that it was a pact with the devil. But despite that, she couldn’t retreat from his appeal.

  She was already lost.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “Nothing special,” she lied, since in the last few minutes a number of thought patterns had formed in her head.

  “Let’s go dance!” Jason demanded.

  On the dance floor their bodies moved in time to the music and they looked into one another’s eyes. Jason was careful to come across as disinterested as possible. And Valerie did the same. Both of their faces expressed complete indifference.

  Valerie moved her body sensually with the rhythm of the music. Suddenly Jason pressed himself against her back. She could feel his erection.

  A smile broadened across her face. She was looking forward to the night.

  Despite all of her misgivings.

  “Jason,” she screamed with indignation. She sat on his couch and stared in outrage at the scene that was playing on the television screen in front of her: A half-naked woman in her underwear and strappy high-heels stretched lasciviously and moaned loudly.

  It couldn’t possibly be true – but this person was apparently completely disturbed and perverse and even needed an extra push before having sex with her for the first time, to get in the saddle.

  Jason laughed aloud. “You think that I’m showing a porno film? No worries -- I do have some pornos here, but this is a George Michael DVD.” He laughed aloud again and flashed his gleaming white teeth.

  He seemed to like the scene. He apparently enjoyed shocking her.

  Oh no, she was kind of stupid, how could she fall for such a cheap trick! He came toward her with a mixed drink:

  “Here you are, for you; let’s dance a little!”

  They began to dance with one another in front of the couch. Their bodies moved rhythmically to the music of George Michael.

  His facial expression remained impenetrable and cool. He didn’t move a muscle. Poker-face.

  She, too, despite the rhythmic dance movements, remained cool.

  He danced toward her from the back and pressed his erect member against her through his trousers.

  He began to undress her while they continued to kiss one another without stopping.

  Their faces remained serious.

  Then he sat down on the couch and said:

  “Come, take it in your mouth!”

  She knelt in front of the couch and took his penis into her mouth.

  She had fun spoiling him.

  Then they began to go at it with fervor.

  He screwed her on the couch, on the kitchen table, and finally on the parquet floor in all kinds of variations.

  Yes, this was unbelievable sex! Thats how it should be, she thought.

  Jason, too, seemed visibly enthusiastic and asked:

  “Should I continue to fuck you or should I come?”

  “Yes, come!”

  “Should I come in you, on your breasts, or on your face?”

  “Come on my breasts!” she encouraged him. After he came, they lay closely entwined on the carpet.

  They didn’t say a word to each other. Valerie had to gather herself together first.

  She had never experienced anything better.

  She had always had fun before when having sex, but this was completely different, a totally new world, another dimension for her. She was entirely overwhelmed, downright overcome, but didn’t want to let it show under any circumstances.

  Finally all indications spoke to the fact that she absolutely was going to get into trouble with the womanizer.

  Apparently he experienced such an encounter on a regular basis and it was normal for him.

  Jason broke into her thoughts; his face was directly facing hers, and he grasped her forcefully by the shoulder blades:

  “Hello, are you still speaking to me?”

  They laughed at one another, enjoying that liberating after-sex feeling.

  Valerie was under the shower still struggling to find herself.

  She was still half in a fog. Wow, sex with him was pure insanity. It was exactly as she dreamed it would be.

  Jason really knew what he was doing.

  He wasn’t only very smart, attractive and sexy, but he was also insanely good in bed.

  Valerie was suddenly struck by the feeling that she was overly challenged by him.

  How would she be
able to hold on to this man? He had a hundred thousand offers and loved life more than Valerie.

  He found himself in the fast-lane of life. And even if he would never admit it, she could feel it quite tangibly.

  And Valerie felt like a little child next to Jason. He was ahead of her in life’s experiences, so much so that she felt trivial next to him. A secretive aura surrounded him as well; she wasn’t quite sure with whom she was dealing.

  She had the lingering feeling that he didn’t actually take her seriously and merely considered her a side-interest, or a part-time playmate, so to speak.

  It’s true that she had spent the weekend with him and was a welcome guest at his apartment, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that he actually had other interests.

  In order to calm herself, she turned the spigot to ice cold. Sex had satisfied her, nevertheless she had unfortunately not become de-stressed thereafter.

  The spray of cold water had a calming effect, calming for her stressed-out nerves.

  It didn’t make any difference what kind of life Jason would specifically lead, she told herself, it was all the same to her.

  Now she was here with him and she should consciously try to enjoy the time together instead of torturing herself with demanding questions regarding his personality.

  When Valerie opened the bedroom door, he was already lying in bed.

  He looked up briefly as she stepped over the threshold; he casually held a daily newspaper in his hands.

  Naturally, it was clear that even after hot sex he had to read the latest news about the economy. Business as usual!

  Valerie tried to read his facial expression. What did he think about the sex? But as was always the case, he seemed cool and serene. His facial expression revealed not the tiniest flicker of emotion.

  She hardly slept a wink all night. Despite the long evening, the alcohol, and the fantastic sex, she couldn’t find her way into a deep sleep.

  She was in complete turmoil. Happily in turmoil and agitated at the same time.

  Jason didn’t appear to be affected by all of this. He was free of any worries and blessedly snored next to her.

  He embraced her from behind in his sleep and patted her right knee now and again as he slept.

  Now she was finally with him in Zurich.

  Oh, heavens, the sex was fantastic. But she still didn’t know any more about him. The previous evening had brought more confusion than clarity. What kind of a person was this who lay next to her in bed?

  Presumably she was about to fall in love with the greatest womanizer in the world.

  Was he indeed so hardened, as he always appeared on the surface? Or was that all only a façade, behind which more was hidden?

  And what did he actually want from her, what kinds of intentions did he have?

  Presumably he considered her to be one playmate among many and will already have lost interest in her tomorrow?

  She was sure that many women came in and out of this apartment on a regular basis!

  Rarely had a man appealed to her as he did. But was that good for her? Should she actually be happy about that?

  He was impenetrable, an absolute puzzle. Everything with him was an adventure, and therefore also absolutely uncertain. She couldn’t assess him at all, which was completely new for her as it pertained to men and also provided a certain challenge. She could never feel sure of him.

  For this reason she had always felt certain resentments against him, because of her fear of getting involved with him and then of losing herself.

  She actually wanted to go through life freely, without being dependent on a man. These thoughts stayed with her and kept her busy throughout the night.

  His penthouse was immense, much larger than she had imagined it. It was actually much too large for a single person.

  Something bare and empty emanated from the apartment, though, as if someone hadn’t lived there very long. It looked like a home that hadn’t yet been fully furnished by its new inhabitant – everything looked temporary.

  Nonetheless, the penthouse immediately appealed to Valerie a great deal.

  It was extremely bright, large and spacious, consisting of two floors.

  One entered on the first floor and went straight through a hallway to two bedrooms and two baths, which were situated across from each other.

  The gigantic living room on the second floor had a window wall in the back, which opened onto the terrace.

  The terrace offered a view of Zurich-West, where industrial chic ruled. There was also a classic view of the sea, although Circle 5 was a hip, trendy residential district that fit Jason’s lifestyle perfectly.

  At first she wasn’t quite sure what it was about the apartment that irritated her so much, but then she realized that Jason had no personal items, no souvenirs, on view.

  There wasn’t a single photo of his family or friends in his large home.

  And he didn’t own any books, although he did have a doctorate, if only in business administration, but still.

  In any case, despite the Ph.D., he wasn’t intellectual, but she knew that before. A solitary volume lay on a sideboard in the living room, a modern art book with an apt title: Breasts.

  Valerie opened the book and read the dedication apparently written to Jason by one of his friends, whom Valerie didn’t know:

  “Happy Birthday, Jason, enclosed are a few pictures of one of your favorite topics! I hope we’ll see each other soon on a jaunt through the community!”

  Valerie had to laugh; he had only one book at home – and that was about breasts!

  And at least at first glance, that was the most personal item that could be found in his apartment.

  On the upper floor, there were pictures hung above the oversized sofas – modern art in black and white.

  But she also had the impression that the pictures were not chosen with complete conviction and without any particular enthusiasm for the artist, but rather were bought in an ad-hoc manner because “one” simply had to have a couple of modern pictures hanging on the wall.

  One had the feeling that the person who lived here was not home very often and was often inclined to move.

  In the kitchen, he handled the frying pan with ease: “Should I fry you an egg sunny-side-up?” She was sitting at the table across from him and said “no thanks.”

  After he had taken his shower, his hair was still wet and shimmered even darker than usual.

  He moved around the kitchen happily and in high spirits, dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt, placing plates, bread, cheese, and sausages on the table with lively gestures.

  “Did I snore last night?” he asked her.

  “No, you did not.” Valerie lied.

  She didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable in his usual habitat and certainly not disturbed in any way because of her presence.

  “Ah, you’re very diplomatic!”

  Jason had immediately seen through her.

  “Would you like coffee or tea?”

  “Coffee, please; might you perhaps have a latte macchiato or something similar?” she asked, since she had discovered a giant espresso machine in the farthest corner of the kitchen earlier.

  “I’ll make you a coffee with milk. I don’t know how the espresso machine works; it belongs to an investment banker from London. We shared the apartment until recently. She’s supposed to come by on Sunday to pick up the rest of her things.”

  Valerie had heard about the ominous banker yesterday evening. Jason had taken over the apartment from her after she had transferred to London for work.

  And although Valerie continually assumed that Jason was having various affairs, her inner voice said that wasn’t the case with the banker.

  Valerie didn’t even know what she looked like.

  There were no traces of her in the penthouse except her cosmetics in the bathroom.

  He placed the coffee on the table: “Please, help yourself!”

  He was eating his egg, and staring at her the wh
ole time, when he said: “I was always alone. There was no one there for me.”

  He laughed to himself as he formed the sentence – as if he wanted to extract the sharpness and tragic elements from the words and compensate them for it.

  Valerie was totally irritated. She had never heard anything like this before.

  She was somewhat aware of his difficult past, and his having been robbed of his childhood, which consisted of years of unhappiness; but she had heard about it by complete coincidence from a third party.

  Until now, she had always avoided speaking with him about his childhood, with concern for his feelings. She didn’t want to open old wounds and above all, didn’t want to present herself as a pseudo-therapist.

  Everything was to remain loose, casual, and uncomplicated.

  Particularly for him.

  “My parents weren’t there for me; they were concerned only with themselves; I couldn’t depend on them at all, and was always alone!”

  But before Valerie could pose more probing questions regarding his childhood, he closed the topic with the words:

  “But okay, that’s all water under the bridge. In any case, I want to do better than my parents. I want a family and children no matter what!”

  Thereafter, without Valerie having asked, he presented his resume in quick takes:

  “I pursued the doctorate in business administration in Munich for five years. How could that happen?! It’s incredible, but I made so many mistakes! How far along in my career I could have been today if I hadn’t been so lazy.

  I gave no thought to my professional future at that time.

  I had no idea what the topic of my dissertation would be. And no one helped; I was completely reliant on myself.

  Then I visited my advisor during office hours and said to him: “So, what should I do, I can’t seem to move forward in finding a topic, and I’m reading so little!

  And his only answer was:

  Well, then go to the library and read!

  Great, I thought, that doesn’t help me move forward!

  Subsequently I flew to the U.S. to do research, and I approached the people at the university.

  Hello, my name is Jason,” I said; “can you help me move forward with my work?