MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED

by Violet Shaw

  Jason had been completely stuck on himself yesterday, seemingly without limit. As so often recently, he had made a seriously coked-up impression on Valerie.

  Already during dinner, it had been repulsive to have to sit next to him. A normal conversation was not possible from the very beginning. With a mask-like expression and very stiffly, he sat next to her and had done away with his Jason-show. No flowing sentences escaped his lips; he spoke only in staccato. And his words were so provocative and frank, that she felt shivers inside: “Either one pays before or after, but one has to pay!”

  His words sounded hollow, aggressive, and provocative.

  He didn’t believe in anything any longer. Not in life and not in love. He sounded monstrously disappointed. The question that she inevitably posed was what had disappointed and embittered him so. Actually he was always the one who disappeared out of the life of the other, who slithered away – like a murderer in flight.

  And in answer to an acquaintance who asked what he did professionally, he answered with a renewed wind in his sail and great self-regard: “I’m an investment banker!!!”

  Only the additional implicit follow-up was missing: “And I am untouchable.” Then he looked at the questioner with an ice-cold, superior expression.

  Meanwhile, he was full of disdain for people who weren’t “i-bankers,” that is, successful, and million-dollar salary-earners. The others, those were the twits – were treated as such. Arrogantly and demeaningly.

  And to the question that the acquaintance then posed – where he lived – Jason answered haughtily, with more than a hint of bragging: “I live in Zurich, London, and Eastern Europe. But that’s only professionally. Privately I’m also in the USA frequently, New York, Miami, and LA. I work a lot and carry a large responsibility for the bank, but also know how to live and to enjoy life now and again.” And he laughed loudly.

  The acquaintance looked at him, suitably impressed.

  Within minutes and with his repulsive nattering, he had managed to find a new admirer who satisfied his narcissism.

  “And in Germany I really only like Munich, because the combination of free time and partying is simply perfect; and of course, I like Berlin because it’s the only really large city in Germany!”

  “Cool, I’m happy to hear that, since I’m from Berlin!” his new conversation- partner replied, still full of admiration.

  “Oh, do you like going to Berghain? It’s a really sensational club. And the best thing about it is that one doesn’t have to look very good to get past the bouncer at the door; no, just the opposite. The more destroyed and fucked-over one looks, the more welcome one is there. And then, the Darkroom too, really offbeat.

  “Yes, but it’s also pretty gay there!” the acquaintance replied.

  “Yes, wanton, wanton – I’m all for that!” Jason countered with full conviction in his voice. Now he had managed to irritate his opposite number.

  The person looked skeptically at Jason and then at Valerie.

  Judging by the look on his face, Valerie could see that the acquaintance was asking himself whether Jason was gay or if he were having an affair with her.

  And Jason, as crass and stupid as he was at that moment, was happy that he had managed once again to shock someone and cause general confusion.

  And Jason continued: “And here in Munich everything is pretty special; the city seems like Disneyland, but this impression is very deceiving, because everything here is superficial. Tomorrow no one here tonight will recognize anyone else who was here whom they might see on the street or elsewhere. And one has to come to terms with this superficiality!”

  Then he looked at Valerie from the side with a provocative glance.

  Oh, he wanted to put him off, that was his intention!

  But Valerie replied promptly: “Yes, exactly, that’s right! And everything revolves around youth here, and beauty – Disneyland. One has to be young and beautiful in order to be successful. Youth is the strongest currency here!”

  Now Valerie looked at Jason complacently.

  And he immediately understood her implication that now in his early forties, although he remained very attractive, he wasn’t the youngest anymore. Angrily, he stared at the dinner plate.

  Suddenly Valerie found all of this with Jason too ridiculous. She felt empty because of his lack of feeling, and decided to go to the ladies’ room. There she ran into an old acquaintance, Steven, who was also very attractive. She promptly convinced him to come back to the table with her.

  Holding his hand, Valerie returned to the table with her attractive friend. She wanted to challenge Jason and provoke him.

  And her performance didn’t undermine its effect.

  With the most relaxed demeanor Valerie turned to Jason and said: “May I introduce an old friend of mine to you?”

  Jason immediately hissed: “No!!!”

  His expression was one of pure hate. He was completely enraged, and looked at Valerie and Steven bitterly angry.

  Valerie didn’t allow herself to be put off: “This is an old friend of mine from Frankfurt,” she said to Jason confidently and charmingly, “please say a quick hello?”

  But Jason was angry and not in control of himself, and his alleged cosmopolitan behavior fell apart: “No!!!,” he yelped at Valerie and stared into the darkness in front of him. Steven laughed aloud, visibly amused over the performance that Jason had put on:

  “Valerie, it looks as if I’m really not welcome here. Your friend is infinitely jealous, apparently. I’d better to back to the bar!”

  But just as Valerie wanted to turn to Jason again, he had disappeared from the table. After a few minutes had passed, she went to look for him, and found him directly in front of the DJ-Stand.

  He seemed to be lost in thought and apathetic. The dancing crowd moved in front of him and he stood there, distant and removed, like an extra-terrestrial, next to the dancers.

  It was a surreal sight. He probably had just snorted a line, Valerie thought to herself.

  Apathetic, as if in a time warp, he looked up at Valerie, as she came near: “Our meal is on its way, let’s go back to the table!” he said.

  “And how did you enjoy St. Moritz?” Jason asked her as casually as possible, just as he was about to guide the next bite of Dorado toward his mouth. He didn’t change expression. Poker-face. As always when it got serious.

  “Very much, actually, until you got there, but then it became quite exhausting!”

  And before Jason could respond, Valerie continued:

  “Since our last vacation in St. Moritz – at the latest – I’ve been convinced that you’re psycho, and I wanted to tell you that when we were there. But I changed my mind because I decided that it wouldn’t make any difference and wasn’t worth it!”

  Jason’s expression still had not changed.

  He had simply swallowed Valerie’s realization that he was psycho, without batting an eye. He showed no reaction.

  From the outside, he was very cool, as if they were talking about the weather.

  Still relaxed, Jason looked at Valerie and said:

  “Valerie, please excuse me, I didn’t mean it that way, you have to believe me. You really mean a lot to me and I know that I made a big mistake!”

  Valerie looked at him very seriously, with her eyebrows raised.

  “Yes, alright, not just one mistake, I’ve made many; but I’ll make it up to you! I promise!”

  Valerie continued to look at him skeptically. She had stopped being angry with him some time ago, and didn’t even want to be, but when the topic of St. Moritz came up she couldn’t simply generously ignore it, and really didn’t want to.

  Suddenly, Jason jumped up from the table as if he had been stung by a tarantula:

  “Excuse me for just a moment; I’ll be right back,” he called over his shoulder.

  What was all this about now? Where was he going so fast? Valerie followed Jason with her gaze, but he had already disappeared out of her range of visi
on.

  That was so typical of him. As soon as the situation became serious and too hairy for him, he simply beat it. It was too much for him; too much emotional upheaval, and above all, too much responsibility and confrontation with another person. He didn’t want to be involved with that; it was all too exhausting.

  Why had she even tried to talk with him seriously? Ultimately, everything was supposed to be nice and easy between the two of them, and superficial at best.

  Resigned, Valerie picked at her plate. And as quickly as he had disappeared, Jason had returned and was standing in front of her. Valerie hardly believed her eyes. He held an enormous bouquet of roses in his hands!

  He really was absolutely crazy, up for any kind of surprise. And although meanwhile, a rousing party atmosphere had taken over the premises and everyone was busy with themselves, the entire table stopped and stared at Valerie and Jason.

  Valerie was perplexed and caught unawares, and before she could say anything, Jason spoke:

  “I’m really very sorry, Valerie! I hope you’ll accept my apology now!”

  He could really drive a person mad. Just a few minutes before, Valerie had wanted to drag him over the coals, and now within seconds, he had her. She was on Cloud 9 again and feeling infinitely blissful.

  He managed to win her back again and again. She gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Heaven and hell; there was nothing normal in their relationship.

  And just as Valerie thought her joy couldn’t be any greater, Jason asked her:

  “I have a vacation coming up next week, finally. Would you like to come with me to New York and Miami? Then we can spend some time together again at long last. What do you say?” Valerie smiled at him; this had turned out to be some evening. First she had cursed him again and now she was considering joining him on his vacation.

  Her powers of reason said “no!!!!” but her heart said – no, screamed – yesss!!!”.

  “Yes, I’ll gladly come with you, but with one condition!”

  “Whatever you want, Sweetie!”

  “You have to promise me that you’ll play none of your lousy psycho-games. Otherwise, I’ll get on the next plane back to Germany!”

  When she landed in New York, the size of the city seemed incredible to Valerie. They took a taxi from John F. Kennedy airport into Manhattan and she saw the skyscrapers reaching up to the sky. The skyline of Manhattan seemed like a stage-set in a puppet theater to her.

  Valerie realized immediately that here she would have to get along with Jason. They couldn’t fight here, for the city was much too big and dangerous. Here she wouldn’t be able to simply say good-bye to Jason after a fight, and disappear into the darkness on her own.

  Yet, despite all her fears they spent a very beautiful, exciting, and romantic time together in New York and Miami.

  Valerie had never been in New York before and she loved the Big Apple right away. The dynamic, power, and joy of life that emanated from the city was infectious, and immediately carried over to her.

  And Jason was the ideal New York guide since he had worked there for a time as an “i-banker”, and knew his way around perfectly.

  And actually, Jason was pure New York. He seemed to downright melt into the city. Jason was New York in both the positive as well as the negative characteristics of the city.

  They stayed in Soho for four days, in a cool, stylish boutique hotel, which had that New York feeling.

  Even their arrival was sensational. In the lobby that afternoon, the most interesting people had gathered: a mixture of the international fashion-

  and art-scene. There was no room here for conventional conservatives and provincial thinkers. Even on the elevators, the newest and coolest music was piped in.

  Their room on the 27th floor was a beautiful dream, and thanks to their floor-to-ceiling windows, they were able to enjoy a panoramic view of lower Manhattan. Valerie especially enjoyed being able to see the skyline in the background during sex. This was the life, pure and simple, and exactly as she had imagined life with Jason would be. This was her idea of happiness; to feel absolutely free and at the same time live a jet-set life.

  New York, and Soho in particular, embodied the epitome of everything anyway.

  They went to the nearby Mercer or Soho Grand Hotel for dinner, and Jason had a few friends in New York whom they visited. They were all seemingly cool, sophisticated, and smart.

  Their best evening was spent at the Soho Grand Hotel. Contrary to the impression its name might suggest, it wasn’t a dusty and boring grand hotel; rather, completely the opposite. The Soho Grand Hotel was one of the coolest, offbeat, and amusing hotels that Valerie had ever seen. Already in the hotel lobby, one stepped into a different, outlandish, almost mystical world. Everything was bathed in a dark light and background music.

  As they entered the building, a shrill costume party was under way. It was a party primarily for transvestites and many gay people; a feast for the senses.

  An illustrious, shrieking group – and except for Valerie and Jason, all of those present were outrageously dressed. Even New York fashion week couldn’t keep up.

  A transvestite who had dressed up as a mermaid in turquoise, came storming in Valerie’s direction: “Honey, you look amazing tonight. But why didn’t you dress up?”

  Everything was this side of the bourgeois world. Here Valerie was in her element; she felt at home.

  “I think that New York will miss you when we leave; you’ve become so much a part of it!” Jason realized with amusement.

  And the sightseeing, and the shopping trips, all were over the top in New York. They visited Central Park, Rockefeller Center, with its impressive view over all of New York from the “Top of the Rock,” the MoMA and not least, the giant and overpowering shopping temples like Bergdorf Goodman or Macy’s.

  In New York, the city of unlimited possibilities, one could have everything at any time of day, as long as one had the necessary pocket change at one’s disposal. It was a gigantic, wonderful, and interesting metropolis.

  They spent their last evening in the city at dinner in the Nolita district, in the hip Swiss restaurant, “Select,” which was currently in favor. New York life simmered outside, while the coolest New Yorkers met for fondue and raclette in the little restaurant, which had been furnished to resemble a Swiss mountain lodge.

  From New York they traveled on to Miami to relax and enjoy life at the beach. Here too, Jason knew his way around perfectly. They stayed at the Setai Hotel directly on Miami Beach, where the international jet-set congregated.

  Miami was wild, colorful, loud, and shrill. During the day, they spent their time on the beach, and in the evening, they savored the night-life.

  And Jason really expended every possible effort to make it an exciting and harmonious time. He was like a different person, with no sign of his psychosis.

  Valerie assumed that it was probably the vacation atmosphere that put him in such a relaxed mood. It was almost too beautiful to be true, but he was really like a new man.

  Could it be that everything between them would turn for the better?

  The sight of her friend Chloé absolutely frightened Valerie. She hadn’t seen her for over a year, since she took her “time-out,” which is how she described her stay in the psychiatric clinic.

  A broken-down woman – Oh, God, she is a broken-down woman! That was Valerie’s first reaction at the sight of her girlfriend. At the same time she was taking pains not allow her shock to be noticeable.

  Chloé was only a shadow of her former self; she was hardly recognizable. She had cut her hair to chin-length, probably as an expression of her inner rebellion, and colored it very dark, almost black. In combination with her pale complexion and the rigid, worry-plagued facial expression, she had a dark, mystical, almost sinister look.

  She had forfeited her radiance. Her entire body expressed insecurity and malady. There was nothing to be seen of any joy in life. Within a year, she had mutated from a radiant young woman who
had suffered with depression from time to time, into a broken woman.

  It was unfortunately clearly apparent to the outside world, and no longer possible to deny that she was mentally ill.

  What did they do to her in the clinic? That was the first thought that Valerie had when she saw her friend. How could it have reached this point?

  Apparently the stay in the psychiatric clinic had really not helped to improve her situation. Rather, quite the opposite, the stay in the clinic had worsened her illness, as anyone could now see.

  No wonder, Valerie thought to herself, for she had taken a skeptical stance long ago against everything that had to do with the psychology/psychiatry topic. In her eyes, this so-called science was only a pseudo-science.

  Moreover, she took the position that the more one busied oneself with one’s psyche, the worse it got. One always had to protect oneself and one’s immediate environment through work, sports, and similar activities, and ultimately through a full life. And her friend’s appearance instantly validated a whole variety of assumptions that she had held regarding this topic up to this point.

  By being given strong psychopharmaceuticals, Chloé had been sedated and immobilized. There was no life within her any longer. Apparently everything was all the same to her; she felt indifferent to all and everything. As emotionally over the top as she always was earlier, so full of life and energy that she didn’t know how or where to release it, she was now equally as dull and emotionless. The change in her character was almost more frightening than the change in her outer appearance.

  Valerie had to control herself so that she wouldn’t burst into tears in front of her friend in light of the tragedy that she was witnessing.

  They had destroyed her in the clinic, treated her, or whatever one wants to call it, to the point of destruction. That was suddenly clear to Valerie. With the help of therapies, brain-washings, and strong pharmaceuticals, they had created a new person – and this person didn’t appeal to Valerie at all.

  Chloé was trapped in her victim’s role, and beyond that as passive and dull as a fish.